help?

[divvd]

hello, soberrecovery.com. my name's david, and i'm an addict. i also have bipolar type II with titches of borderline mixed in for good measure.

i'm uninsured, unemployed, and recently came unhinged. example: it's taken me about 10 minutes to write and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite these first two 'paragraphs,' and i typically type at well over 100 words per minute and almost never have troubles articulating my thoughts.

i've been sober from my good ol' DOC, meth, since June 15th. aside from the expected anxiety associated with the comedown, i've been riding a splendid hypomanic wave which had me writing poetry again, producing music again, and just being...me.

then something happened. poof. i'm in the worst mixed state i believe i have ever been in. crying jags segueing into squealing highs which jump to balled fists and fits of rage, irritability, non-sequiturs, stilted speech and fractal thought patterns. i have had a constant headache and constant screeching, rushing thoughts inciting these emotions now for at least a week.

music helps, til i get about a minute in and i start picking apart what a talentless hack i am because i'll surely never be able to produce music of any quality whatsoever.

meditation? please. i can't stop the thinking. i just can't.

aromatherapy? no dice.

talking to friends? i start out fine, then want to yell at them for no reason, but restrain myself, and then piercing pain cuts through my head and i have to leave or end the conversation.

it goes deeper than that, i don't know if i'm really getting my point across-- don't really know if i do have a point. again, this articulation of thoughts is beyond me. i'm retyping and retyping every sentence until i'm sure it makes sense.

i guess i do have a point to posting this: does anyone have suggestions/homeopathic solutions which have worked for them? i'm just scared it's never going to end. i know it's almost silly to say, but it's my valid feeling.

anyone have some words of advice?

anything would help--

thank you,

david.

[Astro]

Hi David, I thought you articulated and typed perfectly so give yourself a little credit for that. I don't have any experience with this but I wanted to welcome you to SR.

What I might suggest is that you post this in our Meth forum here Suboxone/Methadone Maintenance or Detox - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information No need to retype it all, just copy & paste You might get more opinions and suggestions there.

Glad you're here, please keep reaching out for help and support.

[divvd]

i'm not exactly clear on why i should post in a methadone/suboxone forum. this is mostly relating to my bipolar attack.

[Astro]

Maybe I misunderstood David, but I thought you indicated that some of your anxiety was a result of detoxing from meth.....

Originally Posted by divvd

i've been sober from my good ol' DOC, meth, since June 15th. aside from the expected anxiety associated with the comedown

Anyway, I just thought your post might see a little more action in that forum, and there might be members with similar experiences that can share with you.

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by divvd

hello, soberrecovery.com. my name's david, and i'm an addict. i also have bipolar type II with titches of borderline mixed in for good measure.

i'm uninsured, unemployed, and recently came unhinged. example: it's taken me about 10 minutes to write and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite these first two 'paragraphs,' and i typically type at well over 100 words per minute and almost never have troubles articulating my thoughts.

i've been sober from my good ol' DOC, meth, since June 15th. aside from the expected anxiety associated with the comedown, i've been riding a splendid hypomanic wave which had me writing poetry again, producing music again, and just being...me.

then something happened. poof. i'm in the worst mixed state i believe i have ever been in. crying jags segueing into squealing highs which jump to balled fists and fits of rage, irritability, non-sequiturs, stilted speech and fractal thought patterns. i have had a constant headache and constant screeching, rushing thoughts inciting these emotions now for at least a week.

music helps, til i get about a minute in and i start picking apart what a talentless hack i am because i'll surely never be able to produce music of any quality whatsoever.

meditation? please. i can't stop the thinking. i just can't.

aromatherapy? no dice.

talking to friends? i start out fine, then want to yell at them for no reason, but restrain myself, and then piercing pain cuts through my head and i have to leave or end the conversation.

it goes deeper than that, i don't know if i'm really getting my point across-- don't really know if i do have a point. again, this articulation of thoughts is beyond me. i'm retyping and retyping every sentence until i'm sure it makes sense.

i guess i do have a point to posting this: does anyone have suggestions/homeopathic solutions which have worked for them? i'm just scared it's never going to end. i know it's almost silly to say, but it's my valid feeling.

anyone have some words of advice?

anything would help--

thank you,

david.

Hey David,

First of all to SR. I only hope you can get as much benefit out of this forum as I have.

I have major depression, so while I don't know exactly what you're going through, I've been in a similar state as you. It feels like your mind is tearing apart. That said, it's completely normal to feel it's never going to end, I've felt that way more times than I can count. The good news is that your disorders are containable, treatable and can be reduced and you won't always feel so out of control.

It sounds like you need a serious endorphin release. If you have any energy left, the best thing I can recommend that always helps lift my depression is exercise. The therapeutic length of time is 30 minutes, though 60 minutes makes me feel great and calms down my thoughts a lot. I agree meditation will be impossible at a time like this and will just make you feel more frustrated. But you can gain the benefit of mindfulness techniques by immersing yourself in what you love. That means now is NOT the time to shy away from your music. I know that sucks to hear when you're in such a state, as I often shy away from my writing at those times. But if you can put your hectic thoughts to some productive use, and I know music helps you focus, you'll find yourself calming down. I'm a perfectionist and I always am self-critical of my writing before I even have two paragraphs done. Then I have to remind myself: Guess what? No one has to ever hear it! You can consider it an experiment. It's more important you do it and train your ears. Consider it sketching. Then later, when you're in a better frame of mind, you can work with the ideas you've sketched. You can get therapy and lay down the framework for something great. Don't think you always have to manic to create. Some of the best art came come out of our misery and help see us through it. It's pointless to criticize you work, just enjoy the process and the moment you're in, no matter how tasking. Also, I always find actively listening to music is a form of meditation. If making music is absolutely too frustrating to do right now, try listening to a piece of music or an album with a lot of layers and focus your hearing on the individual instruments. If you tell me what type of music you're into, I could give you some recommendations. That's a form of mindfulness.

As far as remedies, if you can find some fennel seed in your cabinets or at the store, that helps with anxiety. So does calcium. Still the best thing to do first is to get an endorphin release that doesn't involve hurting yourself or others (not that I'm saying you would).

And you know yourself better than anyone, but from what I know meth withdrawal is pretty serious and can take time, so don't completely discount it as to your current state. But an addictions counselor would be able to tell you that better than I. And while meth withdrawal may have nothing to do with your current state, just introducing yourself and your story in the Substance Abuse board will help your long-term recovery and relapse prevention. You might even find someone with similar problems to you. And don't be afraid to post about mental health problems there as they play a part in relapse prevention and your recovery.

See if you can try some or one of the things I recommend. If not, hopefully someone else will have some better suggestions. Either way keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.

Take care,
Clay

[ClayTheScribe]

David, have you tried getting onto Medicare or registering your mental condition as a disability? If it's keeping you from functioning or looking for jobs, then it should count. There should be no reason for you not to be receiving psychiatric care and addiction counseling. I love our "wonderful" health care system...

[ranae1221]

Hey David,

First kudos on being sober for over 2 months. That's great.

i guess i do have a point to posting this: does anyone have suggestions/homeopathic solutions which have worked for them? i'm just scared it's never going to end. i know it's almost silly to say, but it's my valid feeling.

It's not silly to say, and I have felt that way too, and some days still feel that way.

Honestly, the only thing that worked for me on a long term basis was getting on the right medication for my mood swings and depression, and seeing the right counselor to learn better coping skills.

When I am having a really bad day and having a hard time from giving into those negative thoughts, there are a few things I do. Distraction is the main way I have found to get through a bad day; watching a funny TV show, going online, playing a game, etc. Anything to distract me for a bit. When all else fails, I take my night meds and go to bed early.

Are you taking any medication for the mood swings and depression? Are you seeing a doctor? If you don't have insurance (from being unemployed) have you checked to see if you qualify for your state's Medicaid? With Medicare there is usually a 2-4 year wait period and you have to be approved for disability and/or SSI first. But with Mediciad it is much quicker and easier to get on.

What about any mental health clinics in your area? Many here where I am have a sliding scale fee available based off your income. They can also help with getting medications (if meds are needed) and/or give you samples.

If you need to apply for disability through Social Security, it would be best that you are under the care of a doctor who can help justify if/why you are not able to work. The doctor would also need to be willing to state that you are expected to be disabled for at least 1 full year.

When I was 21, I had my first 'breakdown' and could not function. I took a medical leave from work, and at the end of 3 months could not return and had to quit. I ended up going on Medicaid and disability for about 1 1/2 years. This allowed me to really work on getting myself healthy. Eventually I was able to return to work and now have a great job (though it is very stressful).

anyone have some words of advice?

To tell you that, though it seems impossible, it can and will get better. Take it from the people here who have been where you are.

Keep talking, keep sharing. Even if you feel like it doesn't make sense, that's ok. Just getting it out sometimes can be a big help.

[Faerie]

Hi David,

I have severe depression, anxiety and most importantly to you borderline personality disorder. [I hate that it is called a disorder]

One thing I found that really helped me was dialectical behavioral therapy [DBT]

I joined a DBT group for people with BPD and Bi Polar.

There I learned skills to help manage my thought patterns and gain mastery over unhelpful and racing thoughts. It was amazing how much I learned about how the brain works and how we really can control our thoughts.

I live in Oz and the group was free, not sure if this would be the case where you are.

Either way it could be worth looking into DBT either on a one on one basis or in a group environment, it really helped me.

I totally understand how you feel right now, I too am a recovering addict. [Codeine]

Much love and understanding,

Faerie

[ClayTheScribe]

David,

Since you're uninsured, know there are free support groups you can go to. Narcotics Anonymous would be one. There's also something called NAMI (National Association Of Mental Illness) Connections which is a group of people with mental illnesses who get together once a week and discuss what's going on with them. The last meeting I went to I got great advice and resources. You can find one in Utah by visiting here. They might have some advice on how to get treatment when uninsured.

[divvd]

Originally Posted by Astro

Maybe I misunderstood David, but I thought you indicated that some of your anxiety was a result of detoxing from meth.....

forgive me if i sounded rude, please, i didn't intend to. i've always had this bipolar problem so i figured it was appropriate to post here, in the mental health forum. i've been having attacks this bad the last two years, so i'm not sure if it's related to detoxing from meth as i was such a short-term user, though i was using copious and constant amounts for three months straight, i/v, more as a self-medication for the bipolar than for anything else. when i was going through what i understood as detox, trust me, it was ...much worse than this. but i was in a non-medical homeless detox center (as i was homeless at the time), and was able to somewhat comfortably detox.

i also figured, hey, it's a 'sober recovery' site, so i'll probably have some addicts find me and help me out if they want to. and i'll probably wind up cross-posting in other forums when i get in the mind state to better function as a forum user, haha.

Originally Posted by ranae1221

First kudos on being sober for over 2 months. That's great.

thank you

Originally Posted by ranae1221

Are you taking any medication for the mood swings and depression? Are you seeing a doctor?

when i was homeless, i was seeing a doctor at a free clinic, as well as a social worker for therapy sessions. they didn't want to get me onto medications because i had a very high risk of ODing/suicide attempts. then i started feeling better, and my therapist/MSW student was going to refer me to the psychiatrist, but the funding for the clinic came up short with the economic downturn and all mental health assistance was lost.

also: medications/drugs just... complicate things. side effects are too severe, cost is too high, et al. i'd like to try more homeopathic or self-help methods

Originally Posted by ranae1221

To tell you that, though it seems impossible, it can and will get better. Take it from the people here who have been where you are.

Keep talking, keep sharing. Even if you feel like it doesn't make sense, that's ok. Just getting it out sometimes can be a big help.

again, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Originally Posted by Faerie

One thing I found that really helped me was dialectical behavioral therapy [DBT]

I will definitely look into DBT. thank you.

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

David,

Since you're uninsured, know there are free support groups you can go to. Narcotics Anonymous would be one.

going to an NA meeting tomorrow. started feeling a lot better tonite and took the time to look at the local schedules.

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

There's also something called NAMI (National Association Of Mental Illness) Connections which is a group of people with mental illnesses who get together once a week and discuss what's going on with them. The last meeting I went to I got great advice and resources. You can find one in Utah by visiting (here). They might have some advice on how to get treatment when uninsured.

see, one of my friends on facebook had a link to NAMI and I had even looked at it recently. but with all this confusion going on in my head, i just...can't navigate a new website very easily. thank you for the direct link. so much. haha.





i'm also going to be interviewing with a bishop of the LDS church on sunday to get into a wonderful work and training program they have to help out those who are struggling, regardless of his or her religion/etc. i know they have counseling services. i know they have insurance help. i have quite a plethora of services available to me, i know. i'm just... struggling when in the heat of the moment.

thank you all.

[Chamabama]

Astro and Divvd - I think you two might be talking about different things. I could be wrong, but I suspect that when Divvd wrote "meth" he was refering to Methamphetamine (AKA Crystal or Crank) not Methadone. That might be causing some miscommunication between the two of you. Forgive me if I'm wrong!

[ranae1221]

i'm also going to be interviewing with a bishop of the LDS church on sunday to get into a wonderful work and training program they have to help out those who are struggling, regardless of his or her religion/etc. i know they have counseling services. i know they have insurance help. i have quite a plethora of services available to me, i know. i'm just... struggling when in the heat of the moment.

It sounds like you are very much on the right track. It can be all very confusing to navigate the different services and programs out there, and even more so when you are already feeling bad.

Faerie mentioned the DBT skills training. This was the one form of therapy that I also found the most helpful. In fact much of what I was learning I was sharing with other people I know. The DBT skills were orginally designed for persons with BPD, but I believe they quickly found out that the skills is helpful and useful for anyone, regardless of a specific diagnosis or not. I would also highly recommend this type of training to anyone.

I don't really know of anything homeopathic in place of medication. For me, medication was and is the only thing that has kept me somewhat normal (whatever normal is anyhow). Maybe when you start seeing a counselor or doctor they would be able to recommend something.

Keep up the good work, and keep us updated on how you are doing!

[ClayTheScribe]

David, I'm not surprised you don't want to take medication. Most people with bipolar disorder don't want to take it, especially when they're manic. But as far as I know there really are no homeopathic cures or treatments to significantly make an impact on your condition. Bipolar disorder necessitates medication these days and you likely won't feel relieved of your burden until you get on some. Yes the side effects suck, I know that pretty well, but they're better than feeling like you're in chaos and hell all the time, not being able to function.

As far as supplements go, what's helped me are fish oil capsules, Vitamin C, B vitamin complex, and CoQ10. There's other supplements like 5-HTP and others that help with depression, but I would consult someone at the vitamin store or a homeopath before taking them. You can also alleviate some of your depression by changing your diet. I've heard going on a hypoglycemic diet can significantly help depression. But that link just talks about depression, not bi-polar disorder. From what I know about bipolar disorder if you want to have a livable degree of functioning and happiness, you're eventually going to have to get on a med or some meds. That's why I'd encourage you looking into Medicare or Medicaid or to go on disability so you can start receiving some help.

[divvd]

Originally Posted by Chamabama

Astro and Divvd - I think you two might be talking about different things. I could be wrong, but I suspect that when Divvd wrote "meth" he was refering to Methamphetamine (AKA Crystal or Crank) not Methadone. That might be causing some miscommunication between the two of you. Forgive me if I'm wrong!

exactly what i was thinking but couldn't articulate. thank you lol.

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

David, I'm not surprised you don't want to take medication. Most people with bipolar disorder don't want to take it, especially when they're manic. But as far as I know there really are no homeopathic cures or treatments to significantly make an impact on your condition. Bipolar disorder necessitates medication these days and you likely won't feel relieved of your burden until you get on some. Yes the side effects suck, I know that pretty well, but they're better than feeling like you're in chaos and hell all the time, not being able to function.

i just have the problem of wanting immediate relief and i suppose that's why i was focusing so heavily on the homeopathic, etc. even thought of getting some kava and just taking it until the thoughts all stopped, which very likely could have killed my liver.

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

As far as supplements go, what's helped me are fish oil capsules, Vitamin C, B vitamin complex, and CoQ10. There's other supplements like 5-HTP and others that help with depression, but I would consult someone at the vitamin store or a homeopath before taking them. You can also alleviate some of your depression by changing your (diet). I've heard going on a hypoglycemic diet can significantly help depression. But that link just talks about depression, not bi-polar disorder. From what I know about bipolar disorder if you want to have a livable degree of functioning and happiness, you're eventually going to have to get on a med or some meds. That's why I'd encourage you looking into Medicare or Medicaid or to go on disability so you can start receiving some help.

see, i'm on fish oil, vitamin c, calcium, and vitamin b12, now, which all just happened to be in my house (living with my parents again, thank god). also, i'm hypoglycemic already, so getting on a hypoglycemic diet would make it worse. trust me, i've tried that already lol. and thank you so much, you're a great great great help to me.

just...i've checked all the options for disability/medicaid/medicare when i was in the hospital most recently, beginning june 17th or so. i had a nasty little incident where i injected bleach into myself (made sense at the time considering how high i was) which then caused necrosis of various tissues in my arm and i almost died/almost lost my arm/almost lost function of my arm. luckily i came out of that. i consulted with, first, the financial aid people at the hospital, then finally with the medicaid counselor at the homeless clinic. but, unfortunately, due to my age, race, and gender, i am not able to get financial aid whatsoever from any of the charitable providers that were there, let alone the government.

they way they see it, i'm male-middle-class-white. i must have some means. alas, i've screwed myself over with my drug addiction and mental illness, thereby preventing myself from having the life i 'deserve.'

c'est la vie, i suppose.

today i interview with an LDS bishop to get working with the LDS/Mormon church to help myself out. they're great for things like that, even though i am no longer LDS, and in fact gay. they will pay me a fair salary and aid me with schooling and whatnot. i've just been so stressed and have had a constant migraine since june that...sometimes i snap and vent on places like this.

thank you all!

[spittake]

Hi David! Welcome!

I'm a former meth addict. I noticed a lot of ways in which it had f*cked with my brain. My depression and motivation and overall life perspective took a real beating, as well as my memory and ability to work things out (forget about reading and writing!).

It's been 8 months since I last used, and my cognitive faculties have all but rebounded entirely. It takes awhile for your brain and body to recover, but if you stay off the sh*t, you will recover.

Glad to have you around; this place has helped me a lot!

[divvd]

Originally Posted by spittake

Hi David! Welcome!

I'm a former meth addict. I noticed a lot of ways in which it had f*cked with my brain. My depression and motivation and overall life perspective took a real beating, as well as my memory and ability to work things out (forget about reading and writing!).

It's been 8 months since I last used, and my cognitive faculties have all but rebounded entirely. It takes awhile for your brain and body to recover, but if you stay off the sh*t, you will recover.

Glad to have you around; this place has helped me a lot!

thank you so much, man. i knew it was rough, but i had no idea how freakin' hard and painful it was/could be. i thought the physical comedown was terrible with benzoes and opiates. but the psychological comedown from meth is ******* insane. i've already overdosed once on opiates since i quit just trying to get my brain to stop. it's good to hear that there may be light at the other end of the tunnel, and that it's just out of sight at the moment. sigh.

thank you again.

[herowmr]

Pls discuss clearly whats the main issue.

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by herowmr

Pls discuss clearly whats the main issue.

If you read the thread you would see he's getting sober off of meth, but he thinks his bipolar is out of control and wants some homeopathic remedies for it as he has no health insurance. Some people suggested he could be still dealing with meth withdrawal. I think it's that on top of his mental illness.