Going insane

[eoghanacht]

okay I dunno whats going on right here right now but partner is acting really weird, saying odd things, um wish I knew what to do, she knows there are helplines to phone but never phones (mental health lines), she was supposed to phone this resource centre about what program they have for her, she never phoned and never does...... what the f am I supposed to do?????? Its driving me up the wall.......... and I've got me own stuff to deal with and this ....whats happening right now... has happened many times before........ I said she seemed 'off' tonight, she says yes I am dunno why, I know you don't like it either' so I said 'well it upsets me, yeah' (as I can't really cope with her stuff being out of control at times and then my own problems).......................
help




me.

[eoghanacht]

Update.. Um I'm surprised no one replied.... faerie's ok as she's in Oz, but anyone else? .....


Anyway.... things calmed down.

me

[ranae1221]

Hey Eoghanacht,

I'm not sure what is up with your partner.....but I am guessing that if she was supposed to look into programs for mental health issues, then she must be having some mental health issues going on.

It can be so frustrating to see someone you care about suffering, and even more frustrating when that person knows what to do to get help yet doesn't.

Sadly though, until she (or anyone) is ready for help, they aren't going to take that step.

(There is an exception to that though. If you feel that she is in danger of harming herself, then you-or anyone else- has the responsiblity to get help for her by calling the appropriate people, whether 911, police, crisis line, etc).

So what the f are you to do? Well, without knowing all the details of the situtation, this is what I would do:

Keep encouraging her to make that phone call. Remind her why she needs to make that phone call-you want the both of you to work on getting better so you can be happy and healthy together. That how she is feeling now, isn't how it always has to be. But she won't get better, she won't feel better if she doesn't take the first step.

[Faerie]

Hey Sweetie,

Sorry to hear you are still having problems with your partner.

I agree with the above post 100%

Like I said in your other thread you have to start putting yourself first, no matter how much you love her and how hard that is.

Your mental health and your recovery is the most important thing.

I am with you all the way.

You know I'm only a PM or email away at all times.

Love you loads,

Faerie xx

[eoghanacht]

Ok back today on the board..
Jessica- thanks for the advice, but I've already done that. I don't think it's a question of wanting to do it anymore, I think it used to be like that; now it's down to just being.. dunno, lazy or stubborn? I'm not a nasty or bad pesron, it's just the way it is...I've cared for her for over 5 years, carried her.. she doesn't seem to want to do things at times after she has said that she wants, yes wants, to do something specific (like bettering herself educationally);in other ways she seems to ..'play' me...there is soooo many issues. Sometimes it's been extremely close to us splitting up. Hasn't happened yet..

Faerie- I honestly do know what you mean about putting myself first, but does that mean changing in a way, in order to have a go at her, so that she listens and stops thinking of herself so much??
I am a pretty nervous bloke (sorry Jessica.. bloke= guy)-at times, especially with this current state of mind that I'm in (not sure if it's the meds or what).
Take care both of you please

me

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by eoghanacht

Ok back today on the board..
Jessica- thanks for the advice, but I've already done that. I don't think it's a question of wanting to do it anymore, I think it used to be like that; now it's down to just being.. dunno, lazy or stubborn? I'm not a nasty or bad pesron, it's just the way it is...I've cared for her for over 5 years, carried her.. she doesn't seem to want to do things at times after she has said that she wants, yes wants, to do something specific (like bettering herself educationally);in other ways she seems to ..'play' me...there is soooo many issues. Sometimes it's been extremely close to us splitting up. Hasn't happened yet..

Faerie- I honestly do know what you mean about putting myself first, but does that mean changing in a way, in order to have a go at her, so that she listens and stops thinking of herself so much??
I am a pretty nervous bloke (sorry Jessica.. bloke= guy)-at times, especially with this current state of mind that I'm in (not sure if it's the meds or what).
Take care both of you please

me

If I might chime in here...

I think she's not phoning the help line because she has depression/mental illness which often causes a person to feel self-destructive and therefore resistant to help, and resistant to change. I've been there. Sometimes staying miserable seems like the better option because it's what we know and we're afraid of success and happiness. Doesn't make sense to a non-depressed person, but that's how it can be. I would say start by getting her to do little things to make herself happy, or that nurture herself. Make sure to encourage her to stay busy and that she's doing her share of chores (if you live together). Depression can cause a lot of self-centeredness, even if it's negative, so you might encourage as an activity or date you two go volunteering somewhere whether at a soup kitchen, a nursing home, or somewhere else. Do nice things for her and build her up and if she loves you, she'll do the same for you. Try to get her out of her place and into the world and tell her it'll be fun and that you'd really appreciate if she came along.

Are you seeing a therapist and if so, what does he/she say you should do? And you Brits don't have the excuse of too little money or no insurance so if you're not seeing one you should. Perhaps ask your therapist if she can come along for one of the sessions so she can get a taste of treatment and how non-threatening it can be.

I apologize if you've already tried all this before. I don't know if you need to change so much to have a go at her, as confrontation may not break her out of her shell but send her inward. It's like when you're in a plane and it goes too high and the masks come down. You have to put yours on first before you put it on your child, not that I'm comparing her to a child. You have to stabilize yourself first before you can hope to stabilize her. You have to be an example to her of how one can make it through depression and live more happily. And tell her it would give you joy to see her happy and that you want to help her take baby steps to get there. I guarantee you she probably doesn't reach out for help because it seems too daunting as well. Talk to her about what you're doing for your depression and make it seem less scary to her.

Of course if she talks about killing herself you need to rush her to the hospital or call 911.

I'm also a nervous bloke, but there are ways to deal with that, aside from the meds. Try meditating like once a day and exercising 3-5 times a week, if you don't already. Maybe you need a meds adjustment. Although this is just a nerve-racking situation. Make sure you have a place of solace whether in your dwelling or somewhere in your town/city. Somewhere where you can escape and recharge.

Just keep trying to get her to see her own beauty and that you suffer when she suffers and tell her she deserves to be happy over and over again until she believes it.

Take care.

[eoghanacht]

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

If I might chime in here...

I think she's not phoning the help line because she has depression/mental illness which often causes a person to feel self-destructive and therefore resistant to help, and resistant to change. I've been there.


I'm not sure about this one, to be honest. I've also been there. I 'go' there every now and then, when I get major episodes of depression- you know, the extremely dark ones...
..but I don't know if that's the real reason as to why she won't phone. Seems to be that she does want to, so....


Sometimes staying miserable seems like the better option because it's what we know and we're afraid of success and happiness. Doesn't make sense to a non-depressed person, but that's how it can be. I would say start by getting her to do little things to make herself happy, or that nurture herself. Make sure to encourage her to stay busy and that she's doing her share of chores (if you live together).


...Err... yea. This is one 'issue' that I have... she doesn't help at all with the chores. One time, when we were living down at Worthing, West Sussex, I travelled by train to my Mum's house, to pick up some of our stuff that we had left there; came back to Worthing with a large, heavy Rucksack full of gear.. only to find the apartment in darkness, and the washing up still not done. She had gone to bed early, that was all.


Depression can cause a lot of self-centeredness, even if it's negative, so you might encourage as an activity or date you two go volunteering somewhere whether at a soup kitchen, a nursing home, or somewhere else.


One thing I haven't told anyone yet (not that I remember)- is that she does have a disability with her lower back: 2 'Bulging' Discs, which means she can't do too much at once, she can't walk far far, can't sit for a long time, etc.It isn't constant, so there are times when she can definitely help out and do other stuff. I'm not an ogre, or anything near that(!), so I don't ever expect her to do too too much.


Do nice things for her and build her up and if she loves you, she'll do the same for you. Try to get her out of her place and into the world and tell her it'll be fun and that you'd really appreciate if she came along.

Hmm. The Love thing is a bit.. complicated? I do really care for and about her, always have and always will, that's the sort of man I am; it's just that.. well.... um..... I didn't want to be with her in the first place. I lost someone close close to my heart... the first g/f that I ever had... and, she... 'had' to go with someone else.... and um.. I was in my own 'Hell'. Darker than dark. So, after finding my current partner, at first it was just a friendship... I didn't want anyone..... just wanted to suffer... and, as things developed... I said ...'Well. If I've lost ******* , I might as well be with this new woman, it doesn't matter.
Now you know.

Are you seeing a therapist and if so, what does he/she say you should do? And you Brits don't have the excuse of too little money or no insurance so if you're not seeing one you should. Perhaps ask your therapist if she can come along for one of the sessions so she can get a taste of treatment and how non-threatening it can be.

...I know you pm'ed me about one of the lines here.. but it isn't just that the system is logjammed... the Tourist Board put out these images and adverts about how fantastic and amazing England/the UK is.... but it isn't the complete picture.... there is an Underside, a Rough Part, to every large city in the Western World. Don't matter one iota if it is UK, USA, Canada....
And there are plenty of poor people, too. When we were living in Worthing, we were (foolishly)- living on Credit.... when that ran out, we were counting the small change in jars... yes, the pennies... From that time on, I've made it clear that I never want to be in that position again...
I'm not seeing a Therapist at the moment, I'm on a Waiting List..

I apologize if you've already tried all this before. I don't know if you need to change so much to have a go at her, as confrontation may not break her out of her shell but send her inward. It's like when you're in a plane and it goes too high and the masks come down. You have to put yours on first before you put it on your child, not that I'm comparing her to a child. You have to stabilize yourself first before you can hope to stabilize her. You have to be an example to her of how one can make it through depression and live more happily. And tell her it would give you joy to see her happy and that you want to help her take baby steps to get there. I guarantee you she probably doesn't reach out for help because it seems too daunting as well. Talk to her about what you're doing for your depression and make it seem less scary to her.

Of course if she talks about killing herself you need to rush her to the hospital or call 911.

I'm also a nervous bloke, but there are ways to deal with that, aside from the meds. Try meditating like once a day and exercising 3-5 times a week, if you don't already. Maybe you need a meds adjustment. Although this is just a nerve-racking situation. Make sure you have a place of solace whether in your dwelling or somewhere in your town/city. Somewhere where you can escape and recharge.

Just keep trying to get her to see her own beauty and that you suffer when she suffers and tell her she deserves to be happy over and over again until she believes it.

Take care.

ACK!!!!!!!!! I did the 'Quote' bit totally wrong... Grrrrrr.... I added my replies inside the quote box.... so just read them in there... sorry......


I agree with all of the above but Clay, but it's difficult at times.. 'Must Try Harder'. And yes she deserves to be happy. So do you. So does Faerie, And Jessica, And..... etc.

[Faerie]

Sweetie,

I don't think you have to change too much about yourself to put yourself first and I certainly don't think doing so means having to 'have a go' at her.

Just don't buy in to her mind games anymore.

If she wants to play passive aggressive games ignore them.

Although I do agree with Clay about treating her with kindness when you can, you love her after all and expect the same in return.

She needs help and if she won't do that for herself you cannot force her. If she becomes suicidal call 999.

Focus on yourself and your recovery, perhaps if you set the example she will follow.

I'm sorry I can't give you more advice than this.

Love always,

Faerie xx

[eoghanacht]

Good to see your post, Kel, worried about you yesterday!.

I agree with the Mind Games bit.. although at times it drives me crazy.
You know I've said that.. many times we have 'almost' split up.. sometimes I've said to myself.. 'If only we'ed just stayed friends'......
Anyway. Nothing You or Clay or Jess can do about that, although if you were a real Fairy.... now that would be something, huh...

[Faerie]

Well I'm not a fairy but I am a witch, will do a healing blessing for you my friend on Sunday night, Sunday being the best day for such rituals.

I hope that will go a little way in helping you,

Much love,

Kel xx