Could this be as a result of prison? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

sclarke64448 · 08-11-2009, 01:46 AM

Dear all

I'm new to this forum. You will usually find me in the friends and relatives of alcoholics section. However I'm trying to come to terms with something that happened recently. My alcoholic boyfriend has suffered depression in the past and has had counselling and been on pills. When we got together three years ago he leaned heavily on me and I was only too happy to be there. (I've since learned about being Co-dependent!!) Anyway earlier this year he was in quite a tough jail for six weeks. He had never been to jail before, but it was as the result of a one-off incident which happened four years ago involving his ex, and because he's avoided fines, court appearances, probation, etc, ever since.

During his time in jail he was sober the whole time. First time I'd EVER seen him sober. (Though admittedly as he drinks non-stop - slowly but all day every day - you would not know he's not sober if you didn't know him - he can really hold his beer!) In that time he wrote me eight or nine lovely letters, saying this had really made him realise how stupid he'd been, he wouldn't go back to drinking the way he did before, etc. And he wanted to step our relationship. He wrote to his parents telling them how lucky he was to have me too.

Before prison he had been estranged from his dad and little brother for three years, had not seen his gran in that time, and was estranged on and off from his mother and children in that time. His younger brother was the one who was hardest on him - telling the whole family not to give him the time of day until he quits drinking.

During and after prison he was welcomed back into the family fold and, for the first time, he let me meet his children. I also met his dad and stepmother for the first time, his little brother, his adult brother and his wife and child, and my boyfriend's grandmother.

Six weeks after all this, he dumped me! It took him three years to wholly introduce me to his family, who all absolutely loved me and asked how he landed a girl like me, and then he dumped me!

As I said he did have mental health issues in the past, but I thought that's where they were - in the past! Two weeks after he came out of prison he did say to me he wasn't feeling right and he felt he was suffering post traumatic stress. He begged me not to tell his family though. He said it was as the result of a violent incident he'd witnessed in prison where a young lad was stabbed in the stomach with a broken bottle.

After we broke up I re-read the letters he wrote me while in prison, only to discover he'd been moved off the tough wing and on to a 'trouble-free' wing the day before the stabbing. His words were something like, "It's a good job I was moved when I was as the next day a lad was stabbed with a broken bottle!' So he never witnessed it at all. Or he lied in the letter, but why would he do that. Surely it's better to not mention the incident at all?

Any thoughts any of you have on this would be most welcome. In all our time together he was loving, attentive, never violent, sometimes threatening but not very often and not really enough to intimidate me. Since our split he's sent me a threatening text and asked his ex to text me on his behalf to remove my pictures of him from facebook. Even in our last week together I didn't notice any change towards me. It literally happened overnight.

As I said he has had mental health problems in the past. In our time i've seen him so upset he's developed a stammer and not been able to communicate with me (on one occasion) and twice I've seen him paranoid - one time I put my house alarm on at night and locked up and he thought I was going to hurt him. Another time (when he was homeless) I took him back to mine and let him sleep for a few hours (he'd had none for four days and nights - literally) and when I put him to bed he thought I was going to call the police (he was on the run for not appearing in court!)

Please help. I've been attributing it all to drink so far but am I really missing something major on his emotional make-up?

sclarke64448 · 08-11-2009, 01:49 AM

I maybe should add, regarding the pretence that he'd actually seen the stabbing, I honestly believe he convinced himself he witnessed it. Either that or he was an excellent actor. Unless he lied in the letter to protect me and my fears. Any thoughts on this separately would also be welcome?

Thanks for your time everyone.

smacked · 08-11-2009, 12:51 PM

I just wanted to say this..

Most mental health "issues" are chronic and lifelong conditions.. it's more about managing day to day with appropriate treatment and choices.

I don't know about his issues, or what made up his emotional 'makeup', scientists have been debating the nature versus nurture issue for eons and haven't come up with any conclusions yet. A lot of mental illnesses are thought to be a combination of biogenical (nature) and environmental (nurture) epidemiology.

ALL of that aside, are you protecting yourself? Regardless of any reasons behind his addictive or violent behaviors.. are they ok with you? A lot of people have been through a hell worse than him, and have never hit, threatened, or become dependent on any drugs or alcohol. A lot of us have. Your job in this is YOU... where are your boundaries? What is ok with you, and not ok with you? Does giving him excuses for any of his actions make them any more 'ok' to you?

I live with a lot of mental health diagnoses, but they aren't my life, or excuses to mistreat people, stay addicted to substances, or live in an irresponsible way. How I live my life is my decision, and it is also his..

I doubt that was helpful, and I honestly don't know what you're looking for by way of advice or info.. but I noticed that no one had answered so I figured I'd share a little.

Bamboozle · 08-11-2009, 01:45 PM

Hello, sclarke.

Please take care of yourself.

Regardless of his conditions, whatever they may or may not be, you have to look out for your safety and mental health.

If he really does have mental illness, then it is his responsibility to take care of it (unless he’s completely incapacitated, but it sounds like he’s not).

I am responsible for continuing therapy and taking my meds and remaining sober. No one can do it for me.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. Maybe you want to understand why he did this to you…I don’t know. He can only save himself if he wants to.

Rancorous · 08-11-2009, 10:32 PM

It really bothers me when people stay with their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever despite the fact they have continually proven to be violent, hurtful, or otherwise untrustworthy. I really don't understand why you would want to put yourself through so much pain. I know you don't want to hear any of this, but I think you could do a lot better. My honest advice is to move on, it doesn't matter whether he saw the stabbing or not, you're not together anymore anyway. Having a relationship just because you are lonely and feel the need to stick to someone is not worth all that grief and is very unhealthy. I strongly urge you to find a hobby/activity and keep yourself busy in a healthy way before you drive yourself crazy.

sclarke64448 · 08-12-2009, 01:44 AM

Hey Smacked thank you so much for your answer. I guess I've been trying to figure him out and it has only dawned on me I've been focusing so much on the fact that it may be drink and forgetting that he has had issues in the past. As he always acted pretty happy go lucky etc around me and as I don't really know that much about mental illnesses I'd pretty much forgotten about his counselling, depression, etc in the past. As for me, I have become obsessed not with the fact we've broken up, but just with how he broke up with me. How he was so Jekyll and Hyde about it. I am going for counselling, but not private counselling, I'm going to Al Anon (well actually it was my first session last week and I have another one tomorrow) and I've also decided to go to AA to hear an alcoholic's possible explanation. You're right, I have to take care of me. I spoke with his landlord tonight who has given him a warning he will be out as he has not been paying his rent since we broke up. Part of me is thinking he won't have the cheek to call me after what he did (My story is in my profile dated a couple of weeks ago "Can't stop crying" if you're interested). But then another part of me thinks yes he would. Anyway I'm rambling and now I should be working. Thanks again !!

sclarke64448 · 08-12-2009, 01:55 AM

Thank you Bamboozle and Rancorous. I know you're both right but it is easier said than done when someone has just changed completely overnight. I am not divorced and have no children. He was separated from the mother of his two children a year before we met. He always raved about the fact I came without baggage and said he wouldn't have looked twice at me if I'd had a child as he'd done such a bad thing sticking around for his own two (until I got through to him - now he still sees them as far as I know) and last night I took a call from his landlord saying he wasn't paying towards any bills in his house but had taken six loads of washing - all belonging to his current girlfriend - a mother of four - and it was her kids' clothes. I just don't understand how someone can completely change. And yes I probably will drive myself crazy which is where Al Anon and AA counselling is coming in as I feel it's the only way something will get through to me as I just cannot make sense of it on my own. And I know I shouldn't even try but I can't let it go.

08-11-2009, 01:46 AM	#1 (permalink)
sclarke64448 Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: London Posts: 143	Could this be as a result of prison? Dear all I'm new to this forum. You will usually find me in the friends and relatives of alcoholics section. However I'm trying to come to terms with something that happened recently. My alcoholic boyfriend has suffered depression in the past and has had counselling and been on pills. When we got together three years ago he leaned heavily on me and I was only too happy to be there. (I've since learned about being Co-dependent!!) Anyway earlier this year he was in quite a tough jail for six weeks. He had never been to jail before, but it was as the result of a one-off incident which happened four years ago involving his ex, and because he's avoided fines, court appearances, probation, etc, ever since. During his time in jail he was sober the whole time. First time I'd EVER seen him sober. (Though admittedly as he drinks non-stop - slowly but all day every day - you would not know he's not sober if you didn't know him - he can really hold his beer!) In that time he wrote me eight or nine lovely letters, saying this had really made him realise how stupid he'd been, he wouldn't go back to drinking the way he did before, etc. And he wanted to step our relationship. He wrote to his parents telling them how lucky he was to have me too. Before prison he had been estranged from his dad and little brother for three years, had not seen his gran in that time, and was estranged on and off from his mother and children in that time. His younger brother was the one who was hardest on him - telling the whole family not to give him the time of day until he quits drinking. During and after prison he was welcomed back into the family fold and, for the first time, he let me meet his children. I also met his dad and stepmother for the first time, his little brother, his adult brother and his wife and child, and my boyfriend's grandmother. Six weeks after all this, he dumped me! It took him three years to wholly introduce me to his family, who all absolutely loved me and asked how he landed a girl like me, and then he dumped me! As I said he did have mental health issues in the past, but I thought that's where they were - in the past! Two weeks after he came out of prison he did say to me he wasn't feeling right and he felt he was suffering post traumatic stress. He begged me not to tell his family though. He said it was as the result of a violent incident he'd witnessed in prison where a young lad was stabbed in the stomach with a broken bottle. After we broke up I re-read the letters he wrote me while in prison, only to discover he'd been moved off the tough wing and on to a 'trouble-free' wing the day before the stabbing. His words were something like, "It's a good job I was moved when I was as the next day a lad was stabbed with a broken bottle!' So he never witnessed it at all. Or he lied in the letter, but why would he do that. Surely it's better to not mention the incident at all? Any thoughts any of you have on this would be most welcome. In all our time together he was loving, attentive, never violent, sometimes threatening but not very often and not really enough to intimidate me. Since our split he's sent me a threatening text and asked his ex to text me on his behalf to remove my pictures of him from facebook. Even in our last week together I didn't notice any change towards me. It literally happened overnight. As I said he has had mental health problems in the past. In our time i've seen him so upset he's developed a stammer and not been able to communicate with me (on one occasion) and twice I've seen him paranoid - one time I put my house alarm on at night and locked up and he thought I was going to hurt him. Another time (when he was homeless) I took him back to mine and let him sleep for a few hours (he'd had none for four days and nights - literally) and when I put him to bed he thought I was going to call the police (he was on the run for not appearing in court!) Please help. I've been attributing it all to drink so far but am I really missing something major on his emotional make-up?

08-11-2009, 01:45 PM	#4 (permalink)
Bamboozle I got nothin' Duck Hunt 2 Champion! Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: My house. Posts: 4,776 Blog Entries: 14	Hello, sclarke. Please take care of yourself. Regardless of his conditions, whatever they may or may not be, you have to look out for your safety and mental health. If he really does have mental illness, then it is his responsibility to take care of it (unless he’s completely incapacitated, but it sounds like he’s not). I am responsible for continuing therapy and taking my meds and remaining sober. No one can do it for me. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Maybe you want to understand why he did this to you…I don’t know. He can only save himself if he wants to. __________________ A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

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08-11-2009, 01:49 AM	#2 (permalink)
sclarke64448 Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: London Posts: 143	I maybe should add, regarding the pretence that he'd actually seen the stabbing, I honestly believe he convinced himself he witnessed it. Either that or he was an excellent actor. Unless he lied in the letter to protect me and my fears. Any thoughts on this separately would also be welcome? Thanks for your time everyone.

08-11-2009, 12:51 PM	#3 (permalink)
smacked Heathen Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: La La Land, USA Posts: 2,349	I just wanted to say this.. Most mental health "issues" are chronic and lifelong conditions.. it's more about managing day to day with appropriate treatment and choices. I don't know about his issues, or what made up his emotional 'makeup', scientists have been debating the nature versus nurture issue for eons and haven't come up with any conclusions yet. A lot of mental illnesses are thought to be a combination of biogenical (nature) and environmental (nurture) epidemiology. ALL of that aside, are you protecting yourself? Regardless of any reasons behind his addictive or violent behaviors.. are they ok with you? A lot of people have been through a hell worse than him, and have never hit, threatened, or become dependent on any drugs or alcohol. A lot of us have. Your job in this is YOU... where are your boundaries? What is ok with you, and not ok with you? Does giving him excuses for any of his actions make them any more 'ok' to you? I live with a lot of mental health diagnoses, but they aren't my life, or excuses to mistreat people, stay addicted to substances, or live in an irresponsible way. How I live my life is my decision, and it is also his.. I doubt that was helpful, and I honestly don't know what you're looking for by way of advice or info.. but I noticed that no one had answered so I figured I'd share a little.

08-11-2009, 10:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
Rancorous Misanthrope Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Indianapolis, Indiana Posts: 92	It really bothers me when people stay with their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever despite the fact they have continually proven to be violent, hurtful, or otherwise untrustworthy. I really don't understand why you would want to put yourself through so much pain. I know you don't want to hear any of this, but I think you could do a lot better. My honest advice is to move on, it doesn't matter whether he saw the stabbing or not, you're not together anymore anyway. Having a relationship just because you are lonely and feel the need to stick to someone is not worth all that grief and is very unhealthy. I strongly urge you to find a hobby/activity and keep yourself busy in a healthy way before you drive yourself crazy.

08-12-2009, 01:44 AM	#6 (permalink)
sclarke64448 Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: London Posts: 143	Hey Smacked thank you so much for your answer. I guess I've been trying to figure him out and it has only dawned on me I've been focusing so much on the fact that it may be drink and forgetting that he has had issues in the past. As he always acted pretty happy go lucky etc around me and as I don't really know that much about mental illnesses I'd pretty much forgotten about his counselling, depression, etc in the past. As for me, I have become obsessed not with the fact we've broken up, but just with how he broke up with me. How he was so Jekyll and Hyde about it. I am going for counselling, but not private counselling, I'm going to Al Anon (well actually it was my first session last week and I have another one tomorrow) and I've also decided to go to AA to hear an alcoholic's possible explanation. You're right, I have to take care of me. I spoke with his landlord tonight who has given him a warning he will be out as he has not been paying his rent since we broke up. Part of me is thinking he won't have the cheek to call me after what he did (My story is in my profile dated a couple of weeks ago "Can't stop crying" if you're interested). But then another part of me thinks yes he would. Anyway I'm rambling and now I should be working. Thanks again !!

08-12-2009, 01:55 AM	#7 (permalink)
sclarke64448 Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: London Posts: 143	Thank you Bamboozle and Rancorous. I know you're both right but it is easier said than done when someone has just changed completely overnight. I am not divorced and have no children. He was separated from the mother of his two children a year before we met. He always raved about the fact I came without baggage and said he wouldn't have looked twice at me if I'd had a child as he'd done such a bad thing sticking around for his own two (until I got through to him - now he still sees them as far as I know) and last night I took a call from his landlord saying he wasn't paying towards any bills in his house but had taken six loads of washing - all belonging to his current girlfriend - a mother of four - and it was her kids' clothes. I just don't understand how someone can completely change. And yes I probably will drive myself crazy which is where Al Anon and AA counselling is coming in as I feel it's the only way something will get through to me as I just cannot make sense of it on my own. And I know I shouldn't even try but I can't let it go.

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