Fed up with this Disease

[eoghanacht]

Well I could write and write and write and write all night.
But why? Why should I? Why do I feel like this? I'm not 'Mad'. I have issues to deal with, not to be judged by so-called society as insane or 'mad'.
You know what? I have been waiting for help for a few years now and then bam, all of a sudden, when I am in group at Rehab, (recent)- I learn that I could've started receiving counselling for free- 6 sessions I think- at a place in my town. Now why didn't 'they' tell me this before.
Why is the system so warped? Because it's over flowing? I don't think so.
Why am I like this? When will the pain stop??? when will the thoughts and flashbacks ever stop??
Sorry.
Sorry, I had to get it out of my head. like i said, I could write and write...
sorry anna and any mods, if here is the wrong place to write like this, i won't do it again. sorry.

sorry

[Rowan]

No need to apologize, this is a safe place to vent. I am sorry for your frustrations.

[hauntedbyjmb]

I am so sorry you have to deak with a system like yours. I have cried out so many times for the flashbacks to stop too. They just do not know the hell one mins equals or feels like months. Please come back and vent and get support here. There is more love here than I ever could imagine and I love this place. I am new but people here really love, honor and support each other. Thanks for sharing! ((((EOG))))

[eoghanacht]

thanks haunted. Thanks for the hug as well ((((haunted)))). I'm sorry you're going thru the same kind of carp as well.
I'll probably post again later tonight. well hope you have a good day.
me

[eoghanacht]

Only me again.
Yes, that is what I say. But, depression is not a definable 'thing' in my book, or rather it is but it isn't. What I mean is each persons depression, be it major or clinical (sometimes labeled the same)-is unique, because each person is unique or different. And I hate this computer, because the cursor keeps jumping everywhere. But there again what do you expect from a Windows machine.

(yea. I know. Now people will say that their windows-based machines run fine. Oh well, each to their own. Like I was saying before, see? Different).

Ok. NOW I'll Rant. I soooooo f***ing WISH that society wouldn't judge me and others like me. But there again it's like I was saying before, eh? No one individual is the same because then life.....if you can call THIS 'Life', ..would be Boring. But they judge us as different exactly BECOZ we ARE differnt to them. Well I think so anyway!!!! I not selfish or pushy-shovy or arrogant or disrespectful....and all of these character traits I found on my walks in ONE day in people around me... in my town... in this crazy place called Croydon.
I HATE it here. I can't believe that I haven't hit anyone yet (I've come pretty close many many many etc etc times)- precisely because people ARE so like this....I'm truly not a violent person whatsoever... but they are so ignorant and bad, it drives you....
Yes I know... just switch on my MP3/4 player and Zone Out to your own Zone, whatever music you're into (Metal/Rock)- or, the really great one: 'just ignore them.' Err..... How???? When they're all around me?
Ok I'll shutup now. sorry.

<---- at times.

[ranae1221]

the really great one: 'just ignore them.' Err..... How???? When they're all around me?
Ok I'll shutup now. sorry.

Or come here and continue to vent your frustrations. A safe place, where you WON'T be judged. Where you can feel whatever you are feeling and it not be wrong. It just is what it is.

And I don't think you have any reason to need to shut up or apologize.

I hope tomorrow will be a bit better than today for you

[eoghanacht]

Thanks Jessica. And thanks for the comments. Also thanks bam for your thanks too.
Well if you guys had my life, I'm sure you'd be off the wall or similar by now.. or worse. There again, I don't know what you guys go thru everyday or week.. could be worse than mine. I know that there are people in worse or even far worse situations than me.. I like to read, mostly learn about stuff, from around the world ..there's far worse places than here, for that I know...

Today was .. hmm. worse than yesterday (! sorry!), I've learnt (from reading (again)- that I also have symptoms of other psychoses- avoidant personality disorder, slight schizoid pers. disord., and.. another one which I've forgotten.)
Great huh? Well anyway there was that.
And then tonight my 'partner' (I do the hyphens before & after the word becoz I often don't feel that we are an item)
-had a go at me, for not eating all day! adding that our relationship isn't working really .
!Why haven't I eaten? Well some might know the answer... yep, severely depressed. Want to cut but not allowed to. Well I suppose I could always burn instead as I normally do that.
oh well
Oh I forgot.. Today I called the local 'Mind' office (Mind is a UK charity that works for people with mental health issues), and asked for some counselling.. they offer 20 sessions for free, but there is a bit of a waiting list.

[eoghanacht]

Sorry I forgot
If anyone has msn messenger and wants to talk sometime, I'll try and arrange it. Also I need friends anyway. sorry again

[ranae1221]

I am sorry today was a worse day.

I wish I had something positive to say or to cheer you up, but I have also had a rough day and am running low on any positiveness.

I am glad to hear that you made a call for help, even if there is a waiting list. That is a good first step.

One thing though, is to be careful when reading and diagnosising yourself. At times, we can all fit certain traits of any diagnosis, but that doesn't always mean it's a true diagnosis for us. The best thing would be to have a complete eval and then let the doc discuss possible diagnosis with you. Then once you know for sure, you can begin looking into what treatment would work best for you.

I hope tomorrow is even just slightly better for you.

[eoghanacht]

thanks Jessica.
I'm sorry that you also had a rough day. Do you have any support? Locally?
Are you getting counselling?
I guess you're right about the self-diagnosis thing, although from what I have read, it's like.. the symptoms that they have listed for certain personality disorders are the same that I have read more than twice elsewhere.
Anyway, I'm sure the Psych docs at MIND will let me know.

One thing I don't get.. not many people responding to my post, even though I'm known by quite a few people here. Hmm.
Oh well

[ranae1221]

Do you have an appointment scheduled yet, at MIND?

I am not seeing a counselor right now. I was doing ok for a few years, last year started doing bad again and went back into therapy for about a year. I stopped again about 4 months ago.

Therapy helped, but I feel I have pretty much come as far as I am going to or made as much progress as I can. Therapy was a HUGE help and I wouldn't be where I am in life without it. I don't know, I might go back soon. I've had a lot more stress in my life, trying to juggle work and taking care of my grandparents-who aren't getting along and fight all the time and no one else in the family will help 'we're too busy' is all I hear- and I just feel stretched too thin sometimes.

My bad days are nothing like they used to be, so for the most part I can get through it without giving into my unhealthy ways of coping.

My doc is trying to work with my medication, so I am hoping that will help. My depression is nothing like it used to be, but it's still there. While it's not as bad as it was, I get tired of always fighting those negative thoughts. I just can't see living the rest of my life still feeling sad and wondering what the whole point of being is.

Anyhow, LOL I don't mean to depress anyone. It's my own stupid warped thinking right now.

As far as people not stopping in here or commenting even though they know you- there could be several reasons for it. Maybe they don't know the thread is here. Maybe they have to stay away from this forum so it's not a trigger (I have to do that sometimes). Maybe they are having a tough time themselves and don't want to bring anyone else down. Maybe they just don't know what to say. It doesn't mean they don't care. Try to not take it personally. You never know what is going on in someone else's life.

I hope today was an ok day for you.

[Faerie]

Hey Sweetie,

You know I love you very much, you have been such a great friend to me.

I'm so sorry you feel so bad.

Depression is a B**ch isn't it?

It took a few years to find the right meds and psychologist for me and without them I would probably still be trying to kill myself.

It's great that you have contacted MIND, I'm sorry there is a waiting list.

Are you on any meds, have you ever tried them?

I know what you mean about flashbacks, you know my story and I get them often, they're really disturbing.

I'm not on msm but you know you can PM me anytime and I can always send you my email if you like.

I'm 100% here for you Mate, you are not alone,

And vent here as much as you like, the rest of us do and there's no need to apologise.

So much love,

Kel xx

[eoghanacht]

May Trigger (not about abuse, though.)


Ok sorry for anyone that is kind of watching this thread that I didn't post sooner but .................................................. .............
had a bad night.
Ok I guess first I'll relate to you kind people about the night. (thinks: 'Hmm...that's a song by Disturbed, isn't it?')... sorry. one of my fave bands at the moment.
Anyway.... ok, I really can't wait for the counselling to begin (more about that in a bit), because I am seriously concerned about my mind, it's um not ok at the moment.
Last night... well as usual I got to bed late, around 3:30 I think.
Closed my eyes and started to drift, only to get images of my dad (he was ok)-in me head... you have to know right now that he passed away 3 years ago from cancer)- and errr the images were of when I first saw him after an abscence (we were living elsewhere at the time), he was like a living skeleton.......... um and then I started to shake and stuff.. anyway sorry.. err when I tried to shut my eyes again...had differnt images, of a skull and demonic stuff.. so I just had to get up... posted on another forum (not here, a mental health one), and just stayed up until around 5.30...
finally managed to get some sleep in after that.
so yea.. a bad night I guess. Oh well.

The counselling... basically.. found out that it's not 6 but 20 sessions. That's good. But I guess it's only good if 'my' counselor is okay for me, if you see what I mean..it will be the first time that I've had counselling after the event that traumatized me back in 2002.. so pretty nervous.

Anyway.. finally received the forms today in ou mailbox.. they had posted them a whole day after I 'phoned.. not very good really, especially if you're in crisis mode.. but yea, I know that there are Helplines available but it helps if you don't have a stammer which I do (only sometimes, but worse when I'm on the phone to someone I don't know).
Jessica- I know what you mean when you say about having to help over at our grandparents and noone else does... flippin' hell... that is exactly where I am.. not with grandparents but with my mum... even when she has been ill, where is my brother or sister helping out? Nowhere...........
i am glad and happy for you that therapy helped for you. But I'm sad -rather, feeling for you- that you have to go again, not that it's bad, just that I wish we all had some kind of thing in our lives that solved all the issues and problems- if you see what I mean?

As for doctors... errr yea... I could write a whole book on our last doctor (I call him Dr Death), the mistakes he made.... as for our current one.. not much better, but unfortunately it's not aas simple as ABC to find and register with an understanding doctor over here...

Can't believe I'm writing so much... what the f is going on?!.
Sorry about that and also sorry for the length of this.

Also Jess, you don't depress anyone whatsoever.. you're writing your thoughts and feelings out, and that's a good thing, I wish that more people did that, sometimes it's a help..... use whatever coping skills that help for you.

Kel.. thanks for replying.. I almost left the boards (yea I know it's silly, but it happens)-because only Jessica replied.. anyway: thanks, I know you're going thru some difficult times at the moment (as well as you Jess)- and I don't ever ever want to put you out.
yep. Depression is a b***h (or a F***ing hell)-sometimes. Although I know that for some it's hell everyday. That's why I like to help.
Meds.. errr I'm on venlafaxine (Effexor), 75mg. Obviously it's not working, but I'm gonna wait to see the MIND people to up it.
Sorry that you too have flashbacks. Do you have coping mechanisims that you utilize/use? What helps? Got any good manuals to help? (I'm thinking of depression or ..other manuals/workbooks).
Well take care.. both of you.
me

[Faerie]

Hey,

Being there for you would never put me out mate.

On a selfish level it makes me feel better to be able to help people.

Look at this way, you feel like s**t and still support me all the time.

Just know I'm only a PM away if you need me, I'm in Oz so will be up when it's the middle of the night for you.

SO much love,

Kel xx

[ranae1221]

Hey Eoghanacht,

How are you doing? I hadn't seen an update for a few days......hope you are hanging in there

[eoghanacht]

I'm ok.. ok actually that's not true, I'm not too good at the moment. Relationship issues (Oh really? nothing new there, then).
sorry. I've been thinking of making a new post anyway, so I'll do that in a bit.
Tonite.
me

[Faerie]

Hi There Mate,

Sorry to hear you are still struggling.

Will look out for your new thread/post.

I always look forward to your PMs.

I love you very much,

Kel xx

[eoghanacht]

O-k... I was thinking of posting-up an entirely new topic, but.. I dunno, maybe I'm just tired (me, tired??), after 2 days of .. dunno how to classify this.. 'Hell'? (errr... well, what traumatised me was Hell, (and what happened after), and then it happened again (I might share one day. Might.)...

Um so nope, not 'Hell'. Let's see.. what about "2 Days of Umbunctious Unedifying stipulatious Manifests" yea.
Ok so after typing that.. you will definitely think I'm bonkers...:
Anyways....

What I'm gonna do is this. The other day I decided to keep 'Notes' on my notebook/laptop for my blog on my websites, so that I don't keep flippin' forgetting to update my blog, if you see what I mean. Like a Reminder.
Anyway... I have written on/in there.. all or most of what happened. So I am gonna cut and paste it onto here. I'll have to edit it a bit. Just a bit...

THOUGHTS FOR BLOG....

Sun 16th <-- of August!

Woke up late- 2.30pm; after usual, went for a fag and felt like crap (breathing really bad, head full of thoughts, but foggy);
off balance...
after a while felt sick. This passed after the 4th coffee.
I think I need to see the doctor. Dr Death Part 2. Yep he's a waste of space as well.
I think I need to stop smoking now (even though the other half of me is saying no, you don't).
Very concerned about it though, as I have a LOT of stressors in me 'life' at the moment. these are not in any order, it is a list:

1 depression- sometimes severe (last week I had thoughts of suicide).
2 me face- the redness not going away + pores opening up here and there so that I have an even craggier complexion than already
3 this s***hole of an area <--- it really is, folks..
4 (partner's Name): laziness (when her legs and back are ok or not bad or good); the tooth thing..................
5 Mum and my stuff <--- lots of stuff over at me Mum's house, she wants it over here where I live.. but the flat/apartment is way too small...and she is always going on about it
6 My anxiety or ptsd (or something new developing??)= far worse in the last couple of weeks or so, seem to be getting nuttier etc
7 other: the flat- assholes slamming the door (espcially between 1-3 in the morning); drawing- when will I start and why haven't I (same as photography)
people from rehab that I got friendly with- finding their more like The World;

Well I decided later that I can't stop at the moment because of the above.
But that could change.


17th.

Last night= Yet another Hell Night....
...(Partner's Name)- was ok all night. Ok= seemed fine, not really depressed or upset, not angry, nothing, ok.
Then. later, as she settled-down ready to go sleep,it was obvious to me that something was wrong or up, as she was doing the thing with her nails (like when someone is nervous or frustrated?).

I asked her what was up, about 4-5 times, she said 'Nothing, I'm ok'.
Bit later, she came into the front room and was getting something from the fridge, but didn't say anythng (like 'hello' or still up?), so I said hello and I could tell she was depresed becoz of her voice, so I got up and said this, she said well I guess I am then, and she still couldn't tell me what was up; then as she was walking back to bed she murmed something, so I went in the bedroom and asked her what she said and she said 'Why do you want to know??' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! ...yea.
...so I said 'because I'm asking, that's why' (sorry but if she was ok all night, and I didn't do anyhting or say anything bad, then err...?
...anyway she didn't answer so I walked back to the other room.
a while later she got up and went for a coke outside so I asked her if she wanted me to join her so that we could talk about it? ...nope.

At one point during this, she said that 'she switched' (after I had said that she was ok all evening);She stayed in bed all day... and night.


18th
Same ....until later:She has, it seems, come back around, as she spoke to me, and said goodnight. I said would it be okay if we had a talk tommorow about this, and she said 'If I don't take any sleeping pills, yes'.

Sorry about the length of this.
Ok, I know that none of us are experts (but, there again, I also know that there are a few on the Boards who could easily pass for a Psych doc or M.D. or GP). And I know that you guys are ok (well, as far as I know you are ok, anyway, for all I know, you could be govt agents, heh). I just thought I would paste this ...private thing here, because as one or 2 of you guys are girls, I'd like the female 'take' on this.. I know it's not easy as you guys aren't living here and vice versa, but.. I don't see what I've done wrong.. I didn't shout I didn't swear I didn't have a go (I've been told by a few people that maybe I should sometimes!)... so errrr.............?.

Ok if you haven't already fallen asleep, I'll just say thanks in advance.
Take care please.

me.

[Faerie]

Oh Sweetie [won't use your real name for your privacy]

We have so much in common, the depression and the PTSD.

I know you just read my thread on why suicide is never an option and I hope that helped you. You are worth so much to so many people and I love you so much.

I smoke too and I asked my doctor about quitting around 6 months ago. He said he thought it was a bad idea to quit right now as it may make my depression worse or even trigger another suicidal episode. So just a thought for you, whilst you're still in recovery maybe smoking is a good crutch to have, up to you though mate.

I live in a nice area in Adelaide with my parents but can imagine how living in a cr***y area would be getting you down. Especially if moving is not an option for you at the moment.

It can't be easy having depression and living with someone else that is suffering as well. Especially if she is one of those people that likes to play the 'nothing game' when you ask them what is wrong. I know how hard that is as I've been with people that play that game too. You love them, can tell something is wrong and can't get them to talk about it or even admit to it. Problem is you simply can't force people to talk.

My only advice is to put yourself first, no matter how hard that may be. I know she is struggling too but you have to look after number one.

I think keeping notes and an online journal/blog is a really good idea. It will help you deal with your feelings and allow us to offer our love, support and advice.

Hang on in there things will get better, it will just take time and hard work.

Much love,

Faerie xx

[eoghanacht]

Faerie, thanks for that. Yea, we do have similar conditions, I'm so sorry you have ptsd as well, I'm so sorry. Wouldn't wish that on anyone. except people like Pol Pot, hitler, etc.
I know.. well part of me tells me so.. that I am worth something. But.. it's so so sooo (infinity)- difficult.. getting that one thought, that one Defining, absolute, unassuming, unobtrusive Thought... to cover the rset of my thinking/thought patterns....
When the chemical imbalance process tells your brain that you are a ..piece of s**t... and when that same thought (because you allow it, though other negative patterns seeping through)- becomes a part of you, .....it's very hard (especially if you let it 'run' for months.. and months... and..etc... to let it go.
But. I'm trying.. I think, I hope so anyway... that we are ALL trying to figure out this disease called Depression, PTSD, Bi-Polar, etc. Or is it just One? Depression? Does it all link back from the One defining thing? Thing= Condition

I'm trying. That's all we can all do. Some try harder than others, not always because they have lived with it for longer, but possibly for any number of reasons, reasons yet to be fully understood, or even heard, some try harder because they just want to. Sometimes it's just simply easier to not try at all.
But if we all did that.. um where would we be now?



Okay it's update time I think.

Things improved slightly the other night (Weds); after I went to the meeting of PLUG, which is linked-in to the Rehab programme I was attending, I came home expecting the worse, you know, 'Oh. Back to hell (the apartment and my partner), then', and um it was like that for a time, but then, as I was having a fag (sorry, ciggie)-outside, my partner came outside and joined me, and err we actually talked about things, even though she said that 'My brain is telling me there is nothing wrong' Oh, right..
So, it's..... sorted, but not sorted. That's all I'll say for now. At least I'm eating again.

Other Stuff: Went to see a doctor at the Surgery Monday (thankfully, a different one than our 'usual' doctor, who is an a**hole), I believe she was a bit ..errr... 'fresh'? You know, just graduated from med school? (nothing wrong with that, just that sometimes you would prefer a doctor who knows a bit more, if you see what I mean? sorry)- anyway, told her about my current state of mental health, she didn't really understand fully, but she upped my Venlafaxine dosage, to 150mg.
Don't know if it will help or not, will have to see.

Got a Form from MIND to fill in and return.. questionarie.. had to detail my problems and ..stuff. Hopefully I'll get an appointment soon...
Makes me wonder.

You're right Faerie about putting myself first.... this much I learnt from the Rehab group, that you really do have to be selfish sometimes, in order to get better/get help/move on.


me

[Faerie]

Sweetie,

You are worth so much, please believe that.

Much love,

Faerie xx