Calming the urges

[ClayTheScribe]

I also posted this in the men's only forum, so sorry for the repeat. I'm just posting here to get a diversity of opinions.

I know I've written about this before and you're probably tired of hearing it, but I'm still frustrated. I'm saying the following for those who haven't heard my story. If you feel I've done enough writing on this and you're tired of hearing about it, move along.

So I'm 24 and I've never had sex and only one short-term relationship when I was 16. I've pretty much come to terms with being a virgin and getting over the embarrassment as it was one of the big reasons I drank so I have to overcome that, and many on SR helped me realize it. And one of my female friends said recently it's a "blessing" which frustrated me at first because I tried to contradict her, but it made me feel better later on.

Anyways, I understand for a long time in sobriety (a year?) you should avoid relationships and sex. However now, especially that I just graduated college and have more confidence, I feel the sexual urges and desire for relationships more than ever, and especially after I stopped drinking. My depression just keeps those same thought patterns swirling. I want to get to a place where I don't desire sex and intimacy and a relationship as much so recovery goes smoother for me. Besides taking care of things myself to keep the urges at bay, what else should I do? Or am I screwed until I can establish a long period of sobriety and how long should that be? I'm not looking for pity and I don't feel sorry for myself about this. Just want to know how to accept the urges and desires and carry on because it's distracting me in my everyday life functioning, especially since I might be moving to start a new job and all those life changes. I know Bamboozle struggles with this too.

Thanks,
Clayton

[eoghanacht]

Hi Clay. Best advice off the top of my head (bearing in mind that it's fast approaching 3am here and I'm kind of tired, heh)- is to keep your mind occupied. I know that you're a really intelligent guy (many times I have thought this after reading your posts, especially to faerie), so probably reading a book/article/journal/whatever is cool; do you have many friends? How about meeting up with them over a coffee and just catching up with wjhat their doing?

The obvious answer would be... 'Just get onto the Boards here at SR and read and respond' but of course that would be too obvious.
Another thing is that sex isn't always the be-all-and-end-all that many believe it to be. In fact, I had to wait a while, a long while, before it happened for me, because of the way I was brought up/my former faith/being a shy, nervous type (due to bullying at school,etc..).
Sorry I couldn't be more help. Take care
pete

[Zencat]

I have made some good friendships with the opposite sex that later down the road lead to more in recovery. It was nice to just talk and hang out with a woman mostly at first and then as we got to know one another better we began to confide with each other. Once you strike up a friendship, I would say that being honest about where your at with your addiction treatment, your future intentions and take it from there.

I'm no player by any means...I was a virgin until I was 21. And I would have remained a virgin far longer until I was seduced. She and I were just friends at first but it evolved into a intimate relationship.

[hendershot]

hey Clay:
I have mentioned this before, but I am in a very similar situation as you are. I understand the loneliness and longing, especially once the fog of drugs/alcohol clears and emotions we would usually drown out are screaming at us. The way I deal with the whole relationship issue is just look at it realistically in terms of my sobriety. As much as I would like one, the version of a relationship in my head is idyllic and not as it would actually be. For me at least, it would take an overwhelming amount of mental/emotional energy to be in any kind of romantic/sexual relationship, so I have made the concious decision not to seek any. Right now I am not stable enough to be able to handle that stuff and it could easily lead to relapse. Others who are more adept in these kinds of situations may be able to do it with ease but I have to recognize my own limitations. Rather than think about how lonely it makes me feel, I try to focus on the positives, that what I am doing is laying the groundwork for me to be able to handle these situations in the future and if I try to do so now, before I am equipt to do so, it could have disasterous consequences for my long-term happiness. I really get where you are coming from. All you can do is focus on yourself and make yourself a more attractive partner for someone in the future. Ultimately, recovery is about giving us the tools for handling our everyday lives, such as relationships, but some of us are sicker than others in this regard and it is good to recognize this. Best of luck.

[Rancorous]

I'm a girl but i'm in a similiar-ish situation. I'm still a virgin too, I had a very casual, random relationship when I was 16 as well, didn't quite make it to having sex for a few reasons I guess. It is really awkward to be older and still be a virgin, I hate peer pressure. I pretty much quit talking to anyone who tries to make me feel like crap. Another thing I could tell you is not to take people and their bullshit. Rise above, all that stuff. I dunno, I just don't know how to tell people about my disorder or my past, especially if they ask me directly. I try to just listen more than talk, ask people about themselves. Some people just run if you say anything so i've kept quiet. For now i'm focusing on making friends. I try to focus on other things and keep myself busy. Which I know sounds easy but isn't and you've probably heard it about a dozen times. I'm probably not the best person to ask though, sometimes i'm just repulsed by the idea of anyone touching me for reasons unknown. Maybe its a chick thing? =\