*Good News* From The Trenches

[spittake]

I find myself avoiding mental/behavioral health support groups and forums because rarely are there reports of positive developments. Seeing as I've made tremendous progress this year, it's time I shared the good news. Maybe this will encourage someone.

Yesterday, I officially graduated to monthly psychiatry appointments!

I'm sorry this is long, but here's my story:
I had a recurrence of suicidal depression in April of last year. My plan was a tad elaborate, timing wise, so I had many months to let my depression spiral out of control. I was supposed to stay clean and sober in the interest of appearances, but that lasted about a month. Add my favorite hard drugs to the mix, and I crashed and burned real fast.

If it weren't for the waiting period for firearms, I might not be here. Within that time, my plan was discovered (that'd be the long version), and I was hospitalized just as soon as I was located, three days before Christmas.

I went into the hospital in the worst shape I have ever been. I had to come down off a massive amount of meth. I had no fight in me whatsoever; I didn't hardly talk for days (and boy am I a gabber, if you hadn't noticed), just sat and stared at the wall.

The psych there was a smart dude. He put me on Wellbutrin, and gradually but steadily, I got better. After 10 days (On New Year's Day, fittingly), I left with actual feelings of encouragement about the prospect of rehabilitating. I even thought maybe, someday, I might stop dreaming about killing myself.

I attended the IOP and did well. I saw a therapist thereafter, and did well. I left the hospital in my usual suicide's-not-out-just-postponed-indefinitely mode. Gradually, that has morphed into I'm-not-thinking-about-suicide-at-all mode, which I haven't seen in a long time.

My psych had me coming in every week for a good while. Then, I graduated to biweekly. Now it's monthly! I'm doing better now than I ever have in my whole life; that is doubtless!

I'm getting along with my family. I'm stepping up to the plate with a declining grandparent, and I feel good about that. I even do the cooking around here, which is a feat for me! I haven't returned to working, but I'm volunteering when I can (I am so indebted to my family for all of their support, in every possible capacity.). I've stayed almost entirely clean and sober (smoked pot a few times ), which makes this recovery period my new record! And, I'm starting to make real friends, not drug buddies.

It's been a slow process, but with mercifully little recidivism. My journal entries prove that my mindset has been changing. A few months ago, I was writing how I was beginning to resent responsibilities because they were gonna keep me from being able to die when I might want. Lately, I write about respite and storms weathered.

[readyforhelp]

You're inspiring to others. Keep spreading the word, there is hope! Good on ya and good for you! Thank you for sharing.

[Bamboozle]

Awesome!

I like good news. Keep it coming!

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by spittake

It's been a slow process, but with mercifully little recidivism. My journal entries prove that my mindset has been changing. A few months ago, I was writing how I was beginning to resent responsibilities because they were gonna keep me from being able to die when I might want.

God can I relate to that. And then you start to shut out your family or treat them mean because you don't want anyone to mourn you, but that makes them mourn for you more. It's funny how the most illogical thinking can be perfectly sound in your head when you're on the verge of suicide.

Congratulations on your progress. Keep it movin

[steamvessel]

Very inspiring, thanks for the share. Hopefully I'll be sharing a similar story soon. From the trenches is a great description of what it feels like to be depressed because you can't see yourself out of it, you can only see the mud on either side.