I want to cut.

[deerwalk]

I want to cut. The razors make me feel clean. If I hurt myself, the hurt that soemone else caused is minimized. I can take anything if if I can take a razor to my own skin. I am tired of life. I am tired of trying. I am tired of trying to do and say the right things to be rewarded with lies and with being used and tossed away like so much garbage. I feel less and less. I don't exist.

[yukonm]

My thoughts and prayers are with you tonight.

[ANGELINA243]

I understand. I used to cut too--I have scars all over. The relief you get is just "temporary"---the problem goes much deeper than that. Have you talked to anyone--a therapist or anyone else about this yet? Also, are you taking any medications. I went through bouts of depression--when it was the worst time for me--when I acted out in such behavior. Also, the alcohol consumption only added to it--made me feel worse, unworthy, less than. Deerwalk--You are not alone. There is hope.

[deerwalk]

I have been trying therapists for about 15 years now. I am finished. I tried medications. I hate medications. I took an anti depressant- it triggered my Tourette's (a laughable and emotionally devastating condition that is good fodder for cheap comedy) and then clonazapem for that and wellbutrin for OCD. Life should not require so many synthetic brain chemicals.

[SpeedyJason]

I care about you.

Edit: btw, I'll be in chat for a little while.

[deerwalk]

I know, Jason. Thank you.

[MrOsaka]

I'm not a cutter but I can feel your pain. Really don't know what to say besides...Don't do it this time...

"He, who fears he will suffer, already suffers from his fears."

[ranae1221]

I have been fighting my own thoughts to give in for 2 days now. It's not easy.

Really the only thing that has kept me from giving in so far is keeping busy. Distraction-it's one of the coping skills I learned. If I can keep myself busy with other things, then it's one more minute, one more hour, one more day I have gone without giving in.

Life should not require so many synthetic brain chemicals.

I agree. Sadly though, often it does require it.

I hate taking my medications. But I hate the alternative, how I feel without them, even worse.


I hope you are able to stay safe

[deerwalk]

It's life affirming to see my own red out in the open. It says "I am here" despite the constant rejection and shunning. That's the way of our shallow world. Rejection based on shallow attributes. I am a bag of bones.

[MrOsaka]

Hope the writing eases the pain of rejection and shame. We are with you.

[Done_With_It]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I'm a bit emotionally exhausted myself.
But here is a good sticky you may want to take a look at.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...orksheets.html (Self Injury; Research, Bill of Rights and Worksheets)

(((Deerwalk)))

[ranae1221]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

It's life affirming to see my own red out in the open. It says "I am here" despite the constant rejection and shunning. That's the way of our shallow world. Rejection based on shallow attributes. I am a bag of bones.

You don't have to cut or see red to know "I am here".

We know you are here.

We know you matter.

If nothing else, hold on to that to get you through tonight.

[Cleansing]

Hey Deerwalk. I used to cut. Not really sure where I got the idea from, but I'd figured that hurting myself would make me feel pain, and that feeling pain was better than feeling nothing, like life wasn't anything. Life was so empty. I needed that release to feel alive.


But now I look at my scars, and wish they weren't there. Please don't go into cutting again. It really doesn't serve a purpose. I see your reason, and typed out mines, but rational thinking will us that we weren't making sense. The bottom line is, u're destroying your body because of something that can go away with help.

There is not benefit to cutting. I honestly can't think of any.

please don't cut

[deerwalk]

I know Cleansing, I regret the scars I have now. I am currently at a point however, where I have concluded that having any more physically repulsive attributes will not matter one bit- therefore engaging in an act that contributes to those imperfections can only benefit me. The process is the cure, a throwback to shamanism and transcendance of sorts...

[ranae1221]

Besides keeping myself busy, the other thing that has kept me from giving into my urges is by making deals with myself.

I tell myself that I just need to stay safe for this day. If I stay safe and not give in, I will *let* myself cut tomorrow.

Knowing that, I can almost always make it through the night.

The next day, I am usually feeling better and then don't have to give in.

But if I am still feeling bad, then I make the same deal. I have been able to usually go months without cutting by doing this.

If making it through a day or night seems too overwhelming, then just concentrate on getting through the next hour, the next 30 minutes, the next 10 minutes without hurting yourself.

[ranae1221]

I hope it's ok for me to post this here, I looked in the rules and I think it's ok but if it's not please just let me know

This is an article I read when I was in therapy, and it is something that even years later I reference and go back to read. It's about BPD, however I believe is still useful for ANYONE who is seeking recovery of any kind.

Why Is There Hope
There is hope because no one of us is ever a finished product. There is hope because no matter what you believe right now you do not have to hold to that forever if it is not working for you. Whatever we do or say that causes chaos and pain in our lives we can learn to stop choosing. Change is scary, but, if you can open yourself to the reality that change is what enables us to grow and to heal our pain than you can learn to dream. Once you learn to dream and you begin to envision something other than what you currently know or what you have always known --the way you experience your life and your relationships -- then you can also embrace the reality of hope.



To learn to hope one must learn to be calm and accepting of one's vulnerability. This can be very difficult to do as you unwind the miriad of defence mechanisms that you have needed so far in your life to feel safe. However, in the pursuit of hope you need to take some time and think about the illusion of safety that has permeated your existence thus far. You see, most borderlines think that when they are in "control" they are safe. The illusion here is that you are never really in "control" of anyone else. In fact the more you seek to control others in your life the more you are actually NOT in "control" of yourself. The hope in working so hard to overcome the very, very painful patterns established in borderline thinking, feeling and acting is that you can come to understand that you can only control yourself.

Okay, so right here and now, you are reading this and you may well say to yourself, but I can't control myself because I hurt too much, or I need to too much, or no one understands, or no one cares and so forth. Choose to take in "reality" and push out the "illusions" of old. YES you can control yourself. YES you can take back the control over the emotions, namely fear and hurt, that fuel the anger and the rage of your young and innocent inner-child that so have over-run you until now. HOPE! You are in control of the very choices that mold and shape your life, whether you consiously accept this or not. You have the choice to STOP being a victim of the past and to start being a person who has survived it. Work to heal from it. THE ONLY WAY TO HEAL FROM IT IS TO GREIVE it and then LET IT GO AND CHOOSE TO MOVE ON Herein lies so very much hope!

Hope and the reality of bringing your hopes and dreams to fruition depends upon you. Yes YOU! Each of us is responsible for who it is that we allow ourselves to be once we reach adulthood. BPD is real, yes, but hope and recovery are just as real. You can choose to let go of the patterns and the dynamics that have kept you a prisoner of your pain. Free yourself from the chains of BPD. The way to begin is by learning how to hope. Hope is a key ingredient in faith. It will take both hope and faith to give you the strength that is required to courageously step out of all that you've known and to reach for the mental health that you deserve.

HOPE is a feeling that what is wanted will happen. It is desire accompanied by expectation. It is the positive opposite of all that borderline thinking perpetuates. Hope can move mountains. At some point you must learn to trust yourself over the nature of being "outer-directed". The answers that you seek on your journey to recovery lie within you. When you look to yourself instead of others you will find your "true" nature and identity and you will learn to trust that who the "borderline you" is, is but a shadow of who you really are. Hope lives on in the knowledge that potential is everywhere. Reach for your potential today. As you contemplate this remember, you are the master of the sabotage that would put a halt to your healing. You have that power, no one else.



The whole article can be found here: Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out - A.J. Mahari, Author, Life Coach and Strategist

[deerwalk]

What's BPD? Is that BiPolar Disorder?

[ranae1221]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

What's BPD? Is that BiPolar Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder


How are you today?

[SpeedyJason]

Deer, how goes it?

[Vintersemestre]

Amber, I wish I could give you a big kiss on the mouth

[Bamboozle]

Hey, DW.

Just saw this thread. Hope you're feeling better.

If your shrink/therapist/counselor isn't working out, fire him/her and hire a new one. Keep trying...keep reaching out for help.

Interview them...find out what they specialize in, tell him/her what you need, what hasn't helped and see if he/she is willing to work with you.

[deerwalk]

Thanks all... I am slightly better... Just kind of running on empty I guess. BPD is not an issue, I came acrossan article on it years ago and asked my therapist at the time. PTSD, anxiety, the usual suspects. The therapist said that people with BPD won't go to therapy, all I have done for about 15 years is search for a decent, affordable one. Money is always the issue. My last therapist lost her practice- I am guessing because she really did not know what she was doing.

[otterbearcat]

deer,

I used to cut when I was 16. I still have the scars, Im 32.
I kind of wish I didnt have them.

I was really depressed recently and thought about it briefly.


But the relief is only temporary, the scars are forever.

[sskaye70]

yes you are someone...you are loved how dare you say that. I get hurt everyday by people and you neeeeed to push through it y hurt anyone(u or someone else) the people hurting you are more depressed and repressed than you!! u r no dummy stop letting cruel miserable people hurt you. Please know you matter, everyone has problems dealing with everyday life!!! xxxx ooooo sskaye70

[ranae1221]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

Thanks all... I am slightly better... Just kind of running on empty I guess. BPD is not an issue, I came acrossan article on it years ago and asked my therapist at the time. PTSD, anxiety, the usual suspects. The therapist said that people with BPD won't go to therapy, all I have done for about 15 years is search for a decent, affordable one. Money is always the issue. My last therapist lost her practice- I am guessing because she really did not know what she was doing.

Hey Deerwalk, glad to see you are doing even just slightly better!

I posted the article because I feel it's a good article for ANYONE struggling to get better. Really, you can replace the word 'borderline' with 'people' or something like that.

I'm sad to hear that a therapist would say that people with BPD won't go to therapy. That's really not true. There are some people with BPD who don't seek therapy, but there are people like that no matter what their diagnosis is.

I was diagnosised with BPD, and attended therapy for many years. It's one of the things that helped me become stable, learning better coping skills and how to be manage my emotions. Learning these skills is also what helped me to stop the amount of cutting I was doing; from several times a day to going many months without giving in.

I don't know where you are, but in AZ they have various mental health clinics that are based off a person's income and have a sliding scale. Is there anything like that where you are that you can look into?

I hope you have a good weekend and get some rest!