Stuck in therapy

[Bamboozle]

This has been on my mind for awhile.

I am doing better...but what I really need isn't happening.

I'm tired of being patient...I'm tired of being alone.

I need physical contact...and soon. I'm going to explode.


I'm saving up to buy a car so I can get out of my town. Gay folks are invisible here...and I'm not about to go to a bar locally to meet them. That's a bad idea for me.

I live a couple hours away from a few big (well, bigger than where I live ) cities...and I would like to join an organization simply to meet other people like me. I figure that if I get involved I have a good chance of at least making some friends.

I'm willing to make the drive at least every other week to do this.


I've been thinking about terminating my therapy. Life still isn't roses, but I am doing better. I think I've gotten pretty much all I can out of it for now. The rest is up to me--that's the scary part. But I have to start somewhere and the sooner I wean myself off of this support the better I'll be able to stand on my feet.

I like talking to my therapist...the problem isn't her.

I think I've done all I can with therapy at this point. I need to get out into the real world. I don't want to stay trapped here.


I am a big believer in doing therapy when one needs to. I'm not sure when I'll end therapy, but I'm going to bring up the issue at my next session. I'll talk about it first before making a decision.

[historyteach]

Sounds like you know what you need and are going for it.
So, you have a good head on your shoulders!
Good luck!

Shalom!

[spittake]

Oh man, I feel stuck with my therapist too! I like where you say that you've gotten as much out of it as you can, and the rest is up to you. I only spend like 1% of my time in my therapist's office, so everything else is on me.

My therapist started out doing CBT with me. It's very goal-oriented therapy, and it sounds as though you've got some clear ideas about what you'd like to accomplish. A therapist can operate like a life coach or something, helping you to spell things out and take steps to get where you want to be.

That's kinda my problem. I don't have any solid goals right now. I'm pretty cool where I'm at, but like you, I enjoy our sessions. Essentially, I have a very limited relationship where I call the shots. I get to just take; I'm not required to give anything back except money. That's a sweet deal, if you ask me.

This is probably a trite suggestion, but are there things around you that aren't explicitly lesbian, but that would likely attract lesbians? Softball league comes to mind...lol.

[mattcake79]

Bam, I hope you can notice how just how much your outlook seems to have shifted recently - it's a big difference, I'm so happy for you

Like you, I also believe in therapy. Ending the process is a very personal decision that is up to you, of course, but asking for your therapist's opinion is definitely a good idea.

My two cents? Therapy, along with other tools, seem to have helped you lay the ground work, and prepare for the big, positive changes you want to make in your life; as these changes take place, you might really need support and input from someone you trust. I'm *not* saying that you should expect problems () but most changes, even positive ones, can bring about some difficulties. Maybe you could consider cutting back on the frequency of the sessions, instead of terminating them altogether.

Keep us posted!

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by spittake

A therapist can operate like a life coach or something, helping you to spell things out and take steps to get where you want to be.

That's kinda my problem. I don't have any solid goals right now. I'm pretty cool where I'm at, but like you, I enjoy our sessions. Essentially, I have a very limited relationship where I call the shots. I get to just take; I'm not required to give anything back except money. That's a sweet deal, if you ask me.

Yes it is.

I worry that I'll get too attached to her. I don't want to use my sessions as a substitute for things I'm missing in life. I know me and I have a tendency to get in a comfort zone. It's time for me to break out.

Originally Posted by spittake

This is probably a trite suggestion, but are there things around you that aren't explicitly lesbian, but that would likely attract lesbians? Softball league comes to mind...lol.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by mattcake79

My two cents? Therapy, along with other tools, seem to have helped you lay the ground work, and prepare for the big, positive changes you want to make in your life; as these changes take place, you might really need support and input from someone you trust. I'm *not* saying that you should expect problems () but most changes, even positive ones, can bring about some difficulties. Maybe you could consider cutting back on the frequency of the sessions, instead of terminating them altogether.

Keep us posted!

You're right.

Everything seems to be all or nothing with me...it would make more sense to have a session once a month or so. If I need to I can always increase.

Perhaps I need to find a balance. She is a good source of support...and I'm still early in sobriety.

Thanks, matt.

[kwigers]

I gotta say that it appears to me from your post that you are in a rough lonely spot, and perhaps this is the worse time to drop your support.
When we are feeling lonely, we are not completely centered and alright with ourselves...ie. maybe I read this wrong, but did you say you want to go looking for something outside yourself to fulfill a need you "think" you have?
I hear frustration!
Impatience!
If you are afraid of getting to attached to your therapist, seek out another, or an actual life coach. There is a BIG difference between the two. One comes from a place that something is wrong with you...you are ill, while one treats you from a place of wellness, there is nothing wrong with you. Thats just the begining.
Much love and light!
~Cheryl

[spittake]

Originally Posted by kwigers

maybe I read this wrong, but did you say you want to go looking for something outside yourself to fulfill a need you "think" you have?

I consider human interaction and bonding and physical affection to be legitimate needs for a primate. I'm thinking of the wire mother experiment...

Originally Posted by kwigers

If you are afraid of getting to attached to your therapist, seek out another, or an actual life coach. There is a BIG difference between the two. One comes from a place that something is wrong with you...you are ill, while one treats you from a place of wellness, there is nothing wrong with you. Thats just the begining.
Much love and light!
~Cheryl

That's not strictly true about therapists; that would indicate to me that the person seeking the therapy thinks this about themselves, which is understandable given that people who can't figure their way out of problems all by themselves are considered weak or ill (in American society, at least). If a therapist truly thinks a person is ill, I think they'd send them to the psych hospital.

I hope this isn't coming off as contentious; I mean to disagree amicably.

[OceanBound]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

But I have to start somewhere and the sooner I wean myself off of this support the better I'll be able to stand on my feet.

Hi Bam,

I don't think this is necessarily true. If you need support, get it. I agree with mattcake, you can cut down and check in periodically until you feel you really don't need therapy anymore. Have goals for each session and ask for homework. It can be an invaluable resource in getting your life back in order.

Good luck!
OB

[ClayTheScribe]

Bam,

I would like to think I know you somewhat well and based on what you've told me and posted here, I wouldn't advise giving up therapy all together. I've felt stuck in therapy before too, but that's because I wasn't articulating to my therapist what I wanted to get out of our sessions. You need to address that with your therapist. I think going to once a month is fine, but if you feel you need more, then do it. There's no rule that says you need to wean yourself off of therapy once you feel better. It sounds like with the loneliness and lack of intimacy you still have issues to deal with, so let your therapist help you. You might be surprised. Often when people start feeling better they want to cut off therapy completely, only to realize later or soon after how much they need it. I know it's said therapy should be a temporary thing, but when you have a mental illness, it's as long as you need until you're recovered. Don't get too ahead of yourself. Let your therapist know your frustrations and what you want out of therapy.

And the one thing I've realized in the past few months is that I've been so busy looking for the solution outside myself when it can be found inside of me. I also had to realize that having a boyfriend or girlfriend or sex or intimacy is not going to solve all my problems and it's not going to solve all of yours. I'm just focusing on making friends right now and letting love, romance, intimacy, sex come naturally. I suggest you start that way. Don't feel you have to travel far to make friends, unless there's just really no one to befriend where you are.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

It sounds like with the loneliness and lack of intimacy you still have issues to deal with, so let your therapist help you.

No one can help me with that. That's the one need that's not being met...and it's such an important need. No amount of therapy can get me laid or get me a girlfriend. I’m not attractive. People like my personality and see me as good potential as a friend…but nothing more. I’m just someone to chill with and share some jokes. Oh, I’ve got plenty of jokes…I do. Yeah…

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

I also had to realize that having a boyfriend or girlfriend or sex or intimacy is not going to solve all my problems and it's not going to solve all of yours. I'm just focusing on making friends right now and letting love, romance, intimacy, sex come naturally. I suggest you start that way. Don't feel you have to travel far to make friends, unless there's just really no one to befriend where you are.

But that's what I'm missing. I can deal with everything else, but the reason I'm still miserable is because I don't have intimacy, I'm not having sex, I don't get affection, I don't get meaningful touch...I could go on. I’ve never had anyone hold me like that. Never. How’s that for being a loser?

I get those things and major problem solved.

It hurts so much. I can’t live this way any longer. I need to touch and be touched. My head is underwater and I can’t get to the surface to breathe. I can hang for a little longer this way until I finally drown.

The pills are losing effectiveness.

Sure, I can make friends here…the drinking kind. That’s all there is.


I’m going to make a big change soon…I just have no idea what it’s going to be. I can’t live this way any more. I’m functioning on fumes…I’m all tapped out. The goal in life isn’t to live as long as possible…my goal is to live well and be happy. I’m not living well and I’m not happy. If I can’t find happiness and if things stay this way long enough I’m done.

I tried so hard to believe that I was doing better. The pills (when they f*cking work) only mask the pain. It’s still there.

I have hoped and hoped to no end. I’ve tried so hard to will myself well. Nothing cuts through this pain. I can’t live alone. It hurts so much. I’m tired of hurting and feeling and merely surviving. It’s not worth it.

I ache to be held…to be loved…and to love. To care for someone...and there's no one.

[OceanBound]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

No one can help me with that. That's the one need that's not being met...and it's such an important need. No amount of therapy can get me laid or get me a girlfriend. I’m not attractive. People like my personality and see me as good potential as a friend…but nothing more. I’m just someone to chill with and share some jokes. Oh, I’ve got plenty of jokes…I do. Yeah…

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

I ache to be held…to be loved…and to love. To care for someone...and there's no one.

Bam, I'm gonna say something that might make you mad but your therapist would probably agree. You don't love yourself. You don't think you are worthy of love. You don't think you deserve a loving relationship... And people pick up on that. It's not the prettiest girl who gets most guys' attention, it's the most confident girl. You are not ready for a relationship now. And that's why you need therapy or some other way to work on your self-esteem issues. It's not easy and frankly the success is not guaranteed. But when your self-esteem is that low, I don't think you are going to get into a relationship that will be good for you.

About the pills. Unfortunately they might needed to be adjusted again. It's very hard and discouraging but not hopeless. Talk to your doctor, try to figure it out.

And please don't make any rash decisions. And come back to SR!

OB

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by OceanBound

Bam, I'm gonna say something that might make you mad but your therapist would probably agree. You don't love yourself. You don't think you are worthy of love. You don't think you deserve a loving relationship... And people pick up on that. It's not the prettiest girl who gets most guys' attention, it's the most confident girl. You are not ready for a relationship now. And that's why you need therapy or some other way to work on your self-esteem issues. It's not easy and frankly the success is not guaranteed. But when your self-esteem is that low, I don't think you are going to get into a relationship that will be good for you.

Then I'll never be "ready"...which means I won't make it. I don't buy it. I want some and I want some NOW. I need some. Because I'm not getting it is why I'm so miserable. Lots of people with self esteem issues don't go through life alone. I've been ready for a relationship whether purely sexual or more for a long time. I'm ready to go. I just need to find someone who is interested...

I don't know how people do it. How do they attract someone? I'm funny...I get people to laugh all the time. Unfortunatly being funny isn't enough. I have bad skin...no one wants that. It won't go away. I'm doing the best I can to fight that.

I do think I'm worthy of love. I can think of plenty of people who deserve the kind of lonely life I've had, but I am NOT one of them. At this point I'd be happy only getting laid (with ladies, not men ). I have urges...I'm horny almost all of the time (except for tonight b/c I'm really upset).

No one sees this side of me. People gravitate towards me. Honestly. But they see me as a friend. They don't want to sleep with me. What can I do to make that happen? How do I get sexy? Oh, I know. Get rid of the ugly...but how? It won't go away. I'm nearly 30 and I have the acne problem of a 14 year old.


The majority of the folks here have no experience with intimacy issues. Most of you are lucky enough to be balanced.

I've never been told I'm beautiful, attractive, sexy, desireable, hot, fine, what have you. Nada.

Originally Posted by OceanBound

About the pills. Unfortunately they might needed to be adjusted again. It's very hard and discouraging but not hopeless. Talk to your doctor, try to figure it out.

And please don't make any rash decisions. And come back to SR!

OB

I had an ephiphany of sorts tonight.

Someone is starving...not getting enough nutrition. As a result, this someone gets depressed. Someone else comes along and says "take a pill for your woes". The someone takes the pills and feels better for a short while, but the problem remains and worsens. The someone needs food, not pills.

I'm starving for affection. I need affection, not pills, and I'm ready to go sell (it edited out the w word, rhymes with tour) myself out at the bar to get some. Anything. No one knows how terrible this feels.

I can't do this anymore. I can't be alone. Do you know what lack of touch does to a person? Makes her a suicidal mess.

Don't worry, though. I'll relapse long before that happens.

[mxchaos]

I would think this would be a great time to bring this up in therapy. I live with a house full of kids, husband and pets and still crave to be held. It's not that they don't love me or that I'm ugly those things have nothing to do with it.

My T has me working on choosing activities and groups to which I like and challenge my social skills. It seems to be working most days.

Find things to do that you like and start doing them soon enough you'll have built up a network of affection and people who truly enjoy being around you.

going out and simply having sex isn't going to fill the void. Challenge yourself with new interest and fill your daily life with challenges.

and mostly make this a goal in therapy.

[spittake]

Originally Posted by mxchaos

going out and simply having sex isn't going to fill the void.

Just about every woman I've talked with about this subject has felt the same way: sex is much more than the physical act. It opens up the floodgates to our instinctual drive for emotional bonding. This seems to be most especially true between two women. I've seen it happen more than once. A girl initially thinks all she wants is sex, then BOOM! She's full of anguish if it can't be more.

Now, that'd be the healthy reaction. I, on the other hand, have lived my entire life pushing people away. For a long time, sex was just awful because I could not handle being vulnerable with another person. I found myself checking out for most of it, and then being overwhelmed with shame and self-disgust.

The one time it was sort of good, I fell in love...with the only girl I personally know for whom sex can be just a matter of getting off. Not fun, Bam.

(Besides, if you truly are looking for a purely sexual "relationship" with a woman, the bars are the only place I know of where that can be found.)

I empathize with the loneliness. I spent many miserable years being incapable of getting close to another person. Ironically, the loneliness was absolute anguish.

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

Do you know what lack of touch does to a person? Makes her a suicidal mess.

I get it, get it, get it. I get it. I am paradoxically adverse to physical contact and craving of physical affection. I was physically abused growing up, and I can lack empathy for others something awful (I've been accused of being an emotional robot.). Yet, I am a wellspring of profound love, I recently discovered.

This is going to sound ridiculous, but one of the things that has really helped me is my sister's dog. Loving on him has been a real comfort. And I have never been an animal person before! It's so weird how I've recently felt this affection for him. It doesn't seem like it ought to be much of a substitute, but it fills the gap pretty damn well, shockingly.

Then again, after the first major depressive episode in 2003-04, I haven't felt the loneliness nearly as badly as before. I kinda fell in love with myself instead...

[ClayTheScribe]

Bam,

You're in a downward spiral and you're spinning like a top like I was a few weeks ago. First, go see your psychiatrist and get your meds adjusted. Then explain in detail with your therapist what you've been going through. if he or she isn't giving good suggestions or help, find another therapist.

I agree with OceanBound that the reason you don't have love and intimacy is because you don't truly love yourself. I'm facing the same obstacle in as far as why I can't find love or sex. I know I have to get to self-love and inner confidence to really attract someone. And you're not gonna get there just by hoping. You have to go out, go to the big city, find people who are interested in the same things you are. Message people on MySpace you find interesting who are lesbians. Build friendships first.

My seemingly outstanding physical problem keeping me from viewing myself as attractive is my weight, yours is your acne. Those can both be overcome. Look into Accutane if you haven't already. Your insurance should cover it. I had bad acne in my teens and it cleared it right up over a few months. It could also be from working in a fast food joint all day, though you probably know that. Just make sure you're regularly washing your face throughout the day. Get some Retinol/Retina-A cream from your doctor, it works wonders. Make sure you're not eating too much junk/greasy food or too many sweets or soda. Changing your diet can cut back the acne A LOT. I use the Neutrogena foaming wash and it works pretty well. Benzoiperoxide cream works great too, though it dries out your skin. Accutane is your best bet though so get a referral to a dermatologist and schedule an appointment as soon as you can.

Even then, there are people who will find you attractive, acne or not, if you are confident and give an air that you don't need anyone for a relationship (that one's hard for me to fake). You gain confidence by doing what you love to do. I feel more confident in myself every time I write, especially when I put creativity into it. Do your photography and find others who also enjoy photography. Surely there's some college within your reach where there's brooding lesbian/bi art photography students looking to be touched too. You are not hopeless, but it's going to take more than hope. I've had to learn that.

As far as the urges, I'm still dealing with that myself as you can read on my latest thread. I'm trying to take a Budhhist view of it and trying to accept my desires and wants, and even needs.

Can you ask anyone at work for a simple hug? Unless you work with all a$$holes, I'm sure someone would oblige. I would focus on making friends first before you delve into a relationship and sex because, as I've been told, you're going to want to lose your virginity to someone special. But if you really want to get laid, go on Craigslist. Keep up with the being funny because it's a strong attractive trait. I know you've been opposed to AA, but that's another way to make non-drinking friends, and people to relate to. A lot of interesting people in AA.

And I know we both do this sometimes, but try not to take yourself too seriously. Intimacy will come, but you can't force it just as you can't force the caterpillar to turn into a butterfly. But that doesn't mean you have to sit around and wait--get out there and meet people. With all the social networking sites you have no excuse.

You've made it this far, you can't give up on us now, you can't give up on me. I need your help still too. Suicide's not the answer for a problem like this that can and will be overcome. I've started to believe that and feel better about it. But first you must find love for yourself. It's hard, but there's a person inside screaming out for tenderness, love and affection from YOU! Find that person and give her a hug.

Clay

P.S. Consider getting a dog or cat (cats are less maintenance). They will change your world and give you love and affection unconditionally (well not always with cats...) If I didn't have my cat with me in my dank apartment where I smoke pot, drank, felt depressed and cut. I might've ended it all. Pets are wonderful in stimulating self-love because you're obligated to and are taking care of another life. Just think about it.

[Bamboozle]

Wow...I was really bad last night.

I don't feel like a ball of happiness today...but the way I feel presently I can handle. The negativity is under my control now.


I wanted to jump out of my skin yesterday. I was panicky and wanted to leave and there was no place to go.

I hate getting like that. Rational thought no longer applies when I'm in that state of mind. At the time I know these things are rational. Obviously it's not actually, but when I'm in that reality it is. Maybe I'm not explaining this well.

Looks like the pills are letting me down again. The pink cloud lasted for about a month this time. Time to try something different.

Thanks for caring, everyone.


...

[Bamboozle]

All I did last night was get a shower and go to bed. I cried a lot and after a long while fell asleep. I only slept about three hours...then stayed up until I went to work. I hope I can get a lot of sleep tonight...I've had a hard time sleeping lately. I go through periods of sleeping well and not sleeping well. I need to crash but it hasn't happened yet.

[OceanBound]

Great post, Clay!

Bam, please hang in there and try some of Clay's suggestions. You need to build yourself up from within.

[otterbearcat]

Bam,

I totally agree with everyone's replies here.
Glad to see that you are doing a little better.

I do think the wanting sex is wanting some instant gratification.
Not to say that I dont completely understand that.

But if that is what you seek, then I do believe it is all about self confidence.
When I have been feeling low, I think back and think 'how have I ever managed to get girfriends?". And then I remember that I was feeling good about myself at the time, and that I had enough confidence to walk up to someone, AND the self-esteem to be able to handle it if I got rejected.

You CAN find someone to 'just have sex' with. But you have to make the effort. However, I understand that you live in a not so gay place so the pickin's are probably slim. I have met women on Craigslist, it is possible. But if you do go that route, please BE CAREFUL, there are crazy people out there. And I am going to stereotype here and say that there are probably a lot of homophobes where you live, so trust your instincts.

That being said, one can get love and affection from non-sexual relationships. I am saying this to myself lately but I feel like it applies to you as well. It is better to establish great friendships with people, and have love and affection that lasts. The problem with sexual relationships is that they are usually temporary. So when it is over, you lose that support. And as a lesbian I can say that it is hard to be in a relationship that is 'just about sex', one or both partners usually wants more.

I have been reading alot about trying to ride the wave.
You were so up last week, and now you are so down. Just try to ride it out until you are up again.

Maybe you do need a med adjustment, Im sorry, I know that sucks. I just went up to 200mg a day on my 5HTP, I worry that it will stop working.

It has already been said here but I dont know that stopping therapy is the best idea. Sometimes I feel stuck too, but I KNOW there is more there. I just have to be willing to open another door. (easier said than done right?)

take care

[ClayTheScribe]

Bam, you will find love and affection because you deserve it. But you have to come to terms with yourself and love yourself first, flaws and all. Not an easy task, but I have to believe it's doable. Start showing yourself more affection, doing things you enjoy. That will get you closer to what you want out of life. Also doing things for others, volunteering is a great way to build yourself up. We'll get there, just hang in there and do the work.

[Bamboozle]

I don't want to meet people online. I have to see people so I can observe behavior. It's easier to pick out the wackaloons that way.

It may sound like I'm being difficult, but that is a saftey issue for me. I may be desperate, but I'm not foolish.

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

I don't want to meet people online. I have to see people so I can observe behavior. It's easier to pick out the wackaloons that way.

It may sound like I'm being difficult, but that is a saftey issue for me. I may be desperate, but I'm not foolish.

That's fine, and is understandable, but I sense you're like me in that you build up excuses for how hard it is to meet people because of your approach and social anxiety. Those can be tackled in therapy and to some extent with meds. I'm going to sound like a broken record but you need to heal and love yourself first before you can love others. Don't let yourself get in your own way.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

That's fine, and is understandable, but I sense you're like me in that you build up excuses for how hard it is to meet people because of your approach and social anxiety. Those can be tackled in therapy and to some extent with meds. I'm going to sound like a broken record but you need to heal and love yourself first before you can love others. Don't let yourself get in your own way.

Clay, I don't have a car yet. I live in Hickville, USA. Until I can get moblie I won't be "mobile". I'm still ready to go to the bar and have a look around. That means risking blowing my sobriety, but I'm not sure I care at this point. Yes, I'm still sober even after last night. I was more concerned with exiting than I was with getting a buzz.

Other than bars, what should I do? Wear T-shirts that announce my gayness?


And I'm realistic. I will never love every single aspect about me. I've never been able to sugar-coat anything. I'll never like zits. That being said, I can learn to give myself a break. Right now I'm harder on myself than anyone else. If I can bring it down to a normal level, I'll be just fine.


Honestly, I do want to jump the gun but no woman wants to be with a woman who doesn't have a car and lives at home with mommy and daddy (I used to live alone before my addiction got really bad). In other words, immature. I wouldn't want to be with an immature woman, either, so I can't expect that anyone would find the kind of reliance I'm partaking in to be excusable. I want to get my sh!t together and get the f*ck out of here! I'll be lucky if I can afford to swing a car and apartment at the same time. I need to get a real job...course I need a car for that. Nothing worth working is in walking distance.

[otterbearcat]

Bam,

Sorry you are so frustrated.