Is this all there is?

[least]

I spend my days waiting for bedtime so I can escape into sleep for a while. I hate waking up cause it means having to drag myself thru another day. I recently relapsed and am back on the wagon again. My depression and anxiety and manic depression also have been getting worse, my meds were increased but haven't yet felt any difference.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't kill myself cause I won't abandon my dogs, but just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. I have four kids and four grandkids but that brings me no happiness or fulfillment. I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.

Sometimes I wish I'd been born really stupid so I wouldn't be so aware of this every day struggle and finding a 'purpose' in my life, such as it is. I don't want to do anything, only want to sleep as much as I can, and just get thru each day until it's time to go to bed. The only thing I take pleasure in is snuggling with my dogs at bedtime.

I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.

Is this all there is???



I've gone back to AA and am on step three "making a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him"... and since I don't understand him at all I"m wondering what I will accomplish by turning my will and life over to him... The older I get, the less I 'know'... I just want to feel like I"m on solid ground... but is this all there is?? More questions than answers???

[chairmanma084]

Least,

I imagine you have a therapist/psychiatrist to speak with. And you mentioned wishing you were stupid. I recently got my IQ tested (and some ADHD testing too) and that changed 80% of my therapy and she tweaked my meds. I go for anxiety and PTSD. Intelligence is a double edged sword. It helps when you need to be constructive or critical but kills when you start evaluating yourself.

I hear you totally about the G-man. I had a conversation with my family the other day about my spirituality. They asked what I'd say to him if I ever had a chance and i replied with, "God, F*&# you." That's how I've felt for so long.

Forget God as being whose responsible for your ailments and troubles. No loving God would put so much trouble on a person, he's not a sadist. But, just like in the AA meetings, it's not about the Abrahamic, Jesus'-father-God for every person. Find something larger than yuorself that you can feel responsible to and do things for that.

If you want, forget God altogether. Just don't let it be a source of anger.

I hope things improve...

ChairmanMa084

[least]

I have a shrink I can't afford to see as I don't have the money for the appt. I have an alcohol counselor (free) I see once a week... but still no relief, no feeling of being happy to be alive... only frustrated. All I want to do is sleep, escape into sleep. Even tho waking up is unpleasant, just sleeping is getting "away from it all" even if just for a little while... My dreams are sort of strange, but not as distressing as being awake and living in 'reality'...

[historyteach]

Least,
You say you have pleasure in laying with your dogs.
That's some pleasure.
What else are you grateful for?
It doesn't have to be the big things, ya know.
We often overlook the little things.

You have a bed to sleep in.
You have a roof over your head.
You have a counselor to speak with.
And SR where you can share your sorrows and your joys.

It's important,
especially when we are feeling very down and depressed,
to remember all that we *do* have.
And to be thankful
for the gifts that G*D gives us.

If the G*D that you grew up with
is no longer working for you,
Find the G*D that does.
That G*D will give you serenity.

I took a 17 year journey to find the G*D of my understanding,
The one that works for me.
It's there for you too.

Use the gifts of your eyes and your brain
to find yours.
And you will find happiness and peace.
Not forevermore; life does still happen.
But, it is real.
And it is deep.
And you will always be able to tap into it
When you most need it.

A gratitude journal is a good place to begin.
Adult classes or readings in philosophy and religious teachings of all kinds help.
Find your passions.
They are there.
Only you can tap into them.

It's what worked for me.

Shalom!

[Cleansing]

I saw this earlier and meant to reply. I can pm you my story, but I'm not sure if that will help. It's a downer, and im not sure what the future holds. if anything, you'll know you're not the only one on here struggling. I'm really struggling this past week. some bad stuff went down. Yet the past two days, I've been doing little thigns here and there to make it better. forcing some excercise, and if I can't do a lot, at least i get some in. it's no big deal.

Eating a little better, I had no apetite this week.

I get help, but I feel like im not being truthful, and so it's not helping. I need to figure out what I want to do.

all I would say, it force yourself to do a little bit each day that has nothing to do with anything but YOUR hapiness. Or what you think might make you happy. If it doesn't feel good, then at least know you tried for the day, and knowing you tred feels better.


Like I said, i wanna be fit and gain soem strength. So I ran a little this morning, and did a very short set of sit ups and pushups. it felt okay, but I juts saw it getting late, and I wanted to eat/take my meds. I might try some more later on today, just to get a full set it, and if nothing else goes right today, at least im building towards some goal.

[adore79]

Hi Least, I don't have much advice but I hope writing about it and getting it out helps you some. I really hate being depressed and I'm always kinda worried about falling into it again, it is so hard to come out of. For me, it was about finding the right combo/dosage of meds, I pray you feel better soon.

[Bamboozle]

Hey, least. Do whatever you can to get your meds tweaked. I know it sucks, but it does take a while to find the right meds/dosage. Please hang in there.

If your current doctor/s isn't/aren't working out, fire her/him/them.

I know I'm lucky...it took only about 3 months to find the right meds for me. If for some reason what I'm on either isn't as effective or stops working, I will find something that does. I've never felt this good/stable before in my life...now I know it's possible for me to feel this way and I don't ever want to go back to that hell.

Please keep trying.

[historyteach]

Oh, one more thing a friend told me, Least...
And I found quite helpful.

Find meaning in your struggle.

Name it; grow from it.
There's a lesson in it for all of us.

I do hope this helps.
I *do* know how difficult it is in the debths of depression.
And that's exactly when you *must* work your hardest to overcome.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
You *can* overcome this depression.

Shalom!

[littlefish]

Least, you are in my thoughts! I could have written that post myself. I so understand the feeling of hating drinking yet not being sure if I am happy sober. I have also had problems with relapsing and it is so disturbing.

All I can say to you is something I tell myself very often: maybe I haven't figured it out yet.

There is obviously something or some things I have to "get" and I haven't gotten it or them yet.

I live a very isolated life and don't really get out and do much. I think that is part of my problem: if I need to have this eureka moment, maybe I have to get out of my kitchen.

[Vintersemestre]

That's exactly how I felt. I can't tell you how many times I've said I wished I was stupid, heh.

[tigers13]

Hi least...this is a really hard road you're on. I've been in your shoes, and parts of me still are. It can be so very hard to face the day when you feel you have nothing to look forward to...I can sleep 24hrs at a time some days when everything gets to be overwhelming and I just can't take anymore. I've also been dealing with depression, panic disorder and bipolar for more year than I'd like to admit to. I also have many physical problems, so it's easier to stay isolated than to face such a harsh reality.

I went thru falling off the wagon three times before "getting it". You have to make the decision yourself to not give yourself an excuse to drink. Nothing is a good excuse.

You seem to be like me when it comes to your dogs. They have really helped me thru so much...they are my angels. I have 3 daughters and 3 grandsons...but it's my 3 dogs (one is a 3 1/2 month old puppy) that give me the only reason to get my butt out of bed somedays. They need me as much as I need them. Only real dog lovers can understand that.

I've been forcing myself to actually get out of the house once in awhile lately, everyone says that will help. It's not helping, but I hope that if I do it enough, it just might.

Please know, you are not alone.

[least]

I just came home last night from a nine day vacation with my eldest daughter and her family. My college kid daughter took care of my dogs for me but she did the bare minimum. It took me thirty minutes this morning to clean up the dog poop in the dog yard! I came home to a huge mess in the house. No one had run the vacuum to clean up the dog hair and dust. A few dishes had been washed but the kitchen looked like a grocery store threw up in there, with food and messes all over.

The bathroom was full of youngest kid's clothes, all over the floor, and her cosmetics all over the counter and everywhere else. I was going to spend today cleaning the mess but just don't have the energy to do it.

I had a great time with eldest kid and family but since coming home my vacation seems more and more like a dream that's fading fast upon awakening. I was not depressed or anxious once on my trip but now, as soon as I came in the house, the depression and anxiety is worse than ever.

It really feels like a dream, nothing more than a dream, and I feel worse than I did before I left. Considering the mental and physical mess I came home to, I wish I'd not gone at all.

And again I want to know: is this all there is to life? Just dragging myself thru each long painful day only to get to the end of it and escape into sleep for a few hours. I'm not living, just existing.

[Astro]

least, it's up to each of us to set and dictate the rules and boundaries, and to determine what we'll allow and what we don't find acceptable.

Recently I've gotten tired of making my kids beds and cleaning their rooms up, but that's my fault, I enabled it. Rather than yelling and making myself miserable over it, I politely asked my kids to start doing it themselves. To my amazement, most days they do it without my asking. When we took a vacation a couple months ago I paid a friend a small sum to stop by, water the plants, and feed the dog. For the most part he did a great job, it took me an hour to clean up the rest to my satisfaction. I've started to realize that I have very high expectations, if I want them met I need to deal with it myself or ask for help.

Nope, there's way more than that to life. This past weekend was non-stop enjoyment and activities for our dysfunctional little family, I appreciated every moment. Well, almost!

[steamvessel]

Least, here is my advice from someone that goes through similar ruts. It's a tough discipline, but I think it works. Tell yourself, in fact make a pact with yourself that for now you are only allowed to worry about one thing. Have faith that the rest of it will all work out, or do your best to fake it for now Pick a corner of the house that you want to work on and tell yourself you are going to spend a half an hour focusing on this. I have found that a messy house equates to a messy life and can send me into a chaotic depression. By starting to clean up the mess, and all it takes is starting it, I think you'll start to heal. Being overwhelmed = depression for me. And this can be anything, it could be an overwhelming of positive things, our brains can't deal with that much coming at us at once, our only combat against this is to take action and we just have to pick one thing to focus on. It will start to work, trust me.

[least]

I'm trying so hard to just get thru each day, and each day is worse than the last. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep. Sick of crying all the time. At least I have my dogs for comfort. They are the reason I get thru each day, just to care for them and love them. As long as I have them I can make it.

[Zencat]

I sure can relate to "trying so hard to just get thru each day". Currently I'm more in the manageable form of my depression. But I have been through some of the worst depressive episodes ever in my life. I remember clearly what it was like to wake up each morning just absolutely dreading the rest of the day.

It did help to challenge my negative thoughts and do one task for the day. Even something like taking a short walk around the block made me feel good that I did something for that day.

Sending out some good vibes your way.

[least]

Today is my 58th bday but I don't feel like celebrating at all. Yesterday I washed all the "birthday" dishes the kids left for me. Today I will spend in my den, escaping into the 'net or watching movies. I have a coupon for a free dinner so will get takeout prime rib and eat it in my room, alone with me dogs, who will be waiting for the scraps I'll give them.

if I gather up enough energy I'll put away the laundry that's been sitting for days. If the kids want clean towels they can get them out of the basket.

It really freaks me out to realize that there are fewer days ahead than behind... and what have I done with my life??

[suki44883]

((((Least))))

I really wish I could find the words to say that would make you feel better. I just feel like you try too hard to please people that don't deserve it. I really wish that you would just stop bending over backward for people that treat you like crap. You deserve so much more. It's never too late to start living a good life, so age isn't a factor. I'll be thinking of you today. I hope you'll find a way to enjoy your birthday.

[Astro]

I like to think that my best years still lie ahead, but I've got to get to them one day at a time. Each day is like a gift, I unwrap it as the day progresses. Gods plan is too big for me to understand or grasp, I just need to enjoy the journey.

You don't have to celebrate this day, but how about doing something nice to treat yourself? Be gentle on you, k?

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by least

I spend my days waiting for bedtime so I can escape into sleep for a while....

... just getting thru each day is a struggle. I find little joy in anything and don't know why I'm living. ...... I feel like 'living' is just an old habit that I can't break.

Sometimes I wish I'd been born really stupid so I wouldn't be so aware of this every day struggle and finding a 'purpose' in my life, such as it is. I don't want to do anything, only want to sleep as much as I can, and just get thru each day until it's time to go to bed.....

I find myself hating God (the God I grew up with) and desperately wishing he'd never put me on earth.

Is this all there is???


...

Wow....you really just took all the words RIGHT out of my mouth!
This is EXACTLY how i feel!

[least]

THis is another one of "those days". Woke up feeling like "what's the use?". I have one small task to do this morning but this afternoon an old friend may come to visit so that will be nice, if it happens.

(this 'old friend' and I used to have a relationship but he was abusive and we finally split up. I think he feels bad about his past behavior, cause he's now doing anything he can to protect me and help me.)

It's nice to know I have one friend I can call who will come over to see me when I'm lonely and afraid. And I always have my dogs!

[mattcake79]

I'm so glad you're not isolating. When I have "one of those days", I tend to withdraw, even though I know it's an unhealthy behaviour - something to work on..

Have a good time with your friend It should be extra-helpful, given the past you two shared - in a healing way.

Originally Posted by least

THis is another one of "those days". Woke up feeling like "what's the use?". I have one small task to do this morning but this afternoon an old friend may come to visit so that will be nice, if it happens.

(this 'old friend' and I used to have a relationship but he was abusive and we finally split up. I think he feels bad about his past behavior, cause he's now doing anything he can to protect me and help me.)

It's nice to know I have one friend I can call who will come over to see me when I'm lonely and afraid. And I always have my dogs!

[liveweyerd]

Least, I know that feeling all too well...as others have all ready said....it took too long!.....but for me it was a matter of 1) finally getting the right meds and 2) changing my circumstances......together, combined, I am as happy and well as I have ever been...my folks commented a couple of weeks ago that they hadn't seen me so happy and well in years...and so fat! LOL (med side effect ;P )

[least]

"Friend" isn't feeling well and won't be coming over today... at least the dogs are here and love me, even if the kids don't. I made pk really mad today, after doing her a favor at the lastminute, by telling her I was no longer her "beck-and-call" girl. she was so mad she forgot to thank me when she got home for taking her and baby to the doctor and back... go figure...

If I'm really lucky she'll be mad at me for days and won't call asking for favors for a while...

[OceanBound]

I know exactly how you feel, least. In fact, I'm going thru something similar myself. Fell off the wagon recently and can't find enough motivation to get back on. If therapy is too expensive, maybe you can read some self-hep books to learn how to talk back to your inner voice that says you are worthless and don't deserve a better life than this? Exercise is the ONLY thing that keeps my sanity in check these days. I try to do it as often as possible, especially when it's the last think I want to do. Maybe you should try that too.

Take care!
OB