Depression/BP Journal 2009

[shutterbug]

Well, I guess I'm back. It's been since Nov. 2008 since I last posted or visited. I'm leary about coming back, but miss journaling here.

I just ask that if any of my posts get deleted (for any reason) that the 'delete' person will notify me and send a copy of my post to me in a PM. I ask this because my journal posts are important to my being able to try to understand my bipolar mood fluctuations over time and I learn a lot about myself when going back and re-reading old postings after time has passed. It helps me grow.

I have also started charting my daily moods and sleep patters at moodtracker.com . It also allows for journal entries, but I have found it feels like a chore to journal there....where as here, the number of years I've journaled here shows I am more apt to keep it up and write in a more in-depth manner.

Jenna

[shutterbug]

Now....what have I been up to over the past 8 months? Not a whole hell of a lot to my regret.

I miss feeling driven by have a job/assignment to do on a regular basis and pushing myself to succeed. The print media market has been shrinking and there typically only a couple of photojournalism job openings across the entire country at any given time.

I've broadened my job searching to include my old stand-by of reporting, but no openings anywhere nearby. I've also been trying for graphic design jobs, but i'm limited in the area because I don't know how to layout pages, etc., because I'm not educated in the programs used...and don't like the work of putting a puzzle together on a tight deadline and having to make it look good.

Anyway....I have my own pro camera gear now....a big thing for me, but have yet had any freelance gigs or anything to even have a reason to use it. ***sad***

I even asked the associated press if i could submit feature images to them like i use to (a non-paid thing), but they said i can't if i'm not on staff at a member paper. That made me sad b/c i love seeing my images go up on the wire and often seeing them end up in publications in other states, countries. So i was willing to go shoot anything for free for them just to feel like i was back in the field of photojournalism again.

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With Tena's help I've been trying to get the house and my over-abundance of junk and other possessions in order. It's a slow process, but progress is being made.



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I wish i was asleep right now. I worked all day, both mentally and physically so I guess i exhausted myself to the point of not being able to sleep.

I shot some boudoir images months ago and promised the client 5 artistically, edited images....and only finished all 5 today...finally. She was starting to get aggrevated ...and rightly so. It's been hard to make myself work on photo manipulations without having the computer set up i am so accustom to. It's definetly work compared to the enjoyment i use to get out of it. (Not having the pro-type camera set up i was use to also added to the frustrations and lack of motivation).

I was going non-stop today from about noon until around 3 a.m. I would take breaks from the computer/photo work by cleaning/organizing the house and car.

I may have pushed myself into a hypomania by pushing myself into getting so much done, but I've been back up to my regular level of Lamictal for several weeks now so my moods should be more stable than they have been (especially since they were more stable several weeks ago, even being on the lower dose). However, i do realize the great amount of stress i've been feeling definetly plays a part in my mood variations.

But i am glad for the hypo of today because I'd been pretty baseline for most of the past 8 months. But about months ago my depression issues started creeping back. They are not yet severe (and hopefully won't become so), but I've been down enough to bring fleeting thoughts of drastic measures back into my head...and hence that has brought thoughts of going back into day treatment or something.

It appears I may be eligible for a 2nd extension of my unemployment benefits ...and if so then day treatment becomes a possibility. If not....i won't even be able to afford the cost of gas to drive to treatment.

----
good news: my baby cousin who was taken from our family when her mother died in 2001... has been getting to visit the whole family this past month for the first time since her mother's funeral. Her sister and I had luckily bumped into her a couple of times several years ago b/c of the school she was in, but then her dad moved her across the country for his job or something.

She is 14 now and so i guess he finally decided to let her see her only real sister...and the rest of our family. She looks and acts soooo much like her mom that her sister has had a hard time handling being around her very much at a time....as it opens those old wounds.

Her visits have been a giant blessing to our family though....and her sister had also just had a baby just a few weeks before so she also got to me the nephews she wasn't even aware she had. Unfortunately, she is only in the state for summer vacation with her dad's family...and will return home to the other side of the country in a couple of weeks.

But...I doubt her dad will be able to keep her away for this long ever again. she said she had already asked him (before ever getting to visit us) if she could come and live with her sister when she turned 18...and now she wants to see her nephew grow up...and is now aware of how many people truely love her and have painfully missed her in our lives for so many years (as she was told and made to believe the complete opposite was true).

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I just had my 33rd bday and had been planning for months to stop smoking on that day, but life had started getting really stressful and depressing for me the past month so wasn't actually prepared when my bday arrived. I have therefore moved the quit date back a month...but it may take 2...tho i am 99.99 percent committed to definetly quitting this year. I can't stand the smell of them any more and the cost has skyrocketed and my asthma has obviously gotten worse from it...and i just don't want to be a smoker any more. It'll be a hard change to maintain tho.

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I continued loosing weight and WAS down a total of nearly 40 pounds, but i've gained back about 8 pounds so I'm searching for a way to motivate myself to excersize. I tried a bootcamp excersize program, but it was too early in the mornings, they wanted me to do the whole meal/diet thing at the same damn time, and they were just to cruel IMO and i couldn't handle feeling any worse about myself when it was already a struggle just to make it to the workouts by 5:30 a.m.

soo....the search continues for something i can stick with. I'm mostly concerned with changing my activity levels first....the eating healthier will be the step after. I want to be able to make it where i'll stick with it rather than trying too much at once and failing and ending up completely giving up.

----
Perhaps I can fall asleep now?

I had decided at 6 a.m. just to go to Walmart and get the groceries and household items on my list since i couldn't sleep and want to get it done and over with....

Then, just when i was trying to figure out if i had any clean clothes i could wear....I realized that my mom has my car. They came and got it last night b/c the alternater belt is literally falling apart and so my step-dad is going to try and replace it this morning...so this way the engine will be cool and he can work on it (if a local shop has the belt in stock).

So that put a damper on my early morning, sleep-deprived plan. I have several things to do today so I was planning on just loading up on coffee and other caffiene and getting a second, consecutive day in of being super productive for a real change!

oh well....i'll see if i can fall asleep for a few hours. hopefully i will just sleep until my step-dad calls to say my car is fixed and they are bringing it over....hopefully i will not wake up feeling like i've been hit by a truck....hopefully.

Hugs,
Jenna

[liesagain]

welcome back shutterbug

[cinderellawkids]

Its great to see you journaling here again

[shutterbug]

Thanks Cindi and Liesagain. Seems like this place has gotten a bit dead...not much activity it seems.

BP Connection:

I had an interesting day yesterday that ended with me going out to the VFW bar where my dad is doing karaoke on saturday nights again.

Nearby was a family of 2 daughters and a mom getting smashed. It was quite entertaining. When i was at the bar, i noticed a dragonfly tattoo on the oldest girl's foot and asked how bad it hurt. She immediately whipped out her boob and said, "not as much as this (referring to the nipple ring)."

She then went over to a nearby table full of people who had noticed and started flashing them. pictures were being taken...and the 2 female bartenders were shaking their heads in disbelief of the drunkenness..

I leaned in and said, "Man! All i did was ask her about the tattoo on her foot!!"

Anyway, because of the small venue, I ended up being introduced to her younger sister and their mom.

The BP connection is that mom (very drunk) kept telling me OVER and OVER how pretty i was....so much so i had to start wondering if she was bi. Then she kept trying to get me to go dance, then tried for 30 minutes to hook me up with my dad's good friend (who's 25 years my elder and who also dated my roommate, lol).

After she wouldn't stop trying to get me to go dance with someone, i finally told her I just don't like to dance anymore b/c of anxiety issues.

She IMMEDIATELY asked, "are you bipolar?"

I was stunned at why she would connect the two, but I said yes and she said so is her youngest daughter and she also has anxiety issues and doesn't like touching people (however that did NOT appear to be the case since the girl was dancing with girls/guys/karoke singers on stage/lapdancing on old guys in a group of other girls....etc.

The girl mentioned later to me, however, that she has a lot of anxiety issues when not drunk.

Anyway...point is....i've never heard of any kind of connection btwn anxiety dealing with touching people (like dancing and hugging) and being bipolar. I don't think it is a regular bipolar trait....as i've never heard of it...but still....i thought it was interesting and i may want to do a little research into it later.

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eventually, the young girl dragged me onto the dance floor and had me two-step and swing dance with her....the entire time, lol, telling me how a lesbian taught her to dance and taught her how to just love herself and not give a flying f*** what anyone else thinks.

It was almost like i was in therapy for the evening....as she didn't even know me and kept telling me i need to love myself before anyone else can ever truely love me, etc. The girl is only 23.

Anyway, we have some other things in common (besides the bipolar and self-esteem issues, like both being in love with black guys and having a history of codependency, etc.) and so she wanted my number and gave me hers.

I learned about the codie issues from her mom who said her daughter is still in love with a guy from 2 years ago who is gay, but who's child she ended up pregnant with and that she just wants to fix everyone.

now....lately i have been trying to see ways that I might could start believing in a higher power again...and i think i might could be a mentor to this girl...as for the bipolar and codie issues. Now, i realize this is a codie thing for me to think, but it just feels like i was suppose to go there last night and meet this crazy family of drunks. LOL

For whatever reason, the mom decided she likes me so much she kept saying she wants to adopt me and b/c the youngest girl felt a connection with me because of the things we have in common...i think i might be able to make a small difference in her life.

At the very least, i want to introduce her to Alanon....and since she is bipolar I....I would like to help try to explain to her why staying on her meds is soooooo important.

As far as her bp goes....she is definitely young...with a difficult road ahead. And anyway that i might can help lead her toward a less difficult path with the illness(es) then that would make me feel I've been of some help to someone in this world.

Jenna

[Bamboozle]

Great thread, Jenna.

[shutterbug]

well, i'm back to hating my life again. nothing surprising.

i've stuck with a bootcamp fitness program for 2 weeks now and i'm enjoying being able to keep up with the others better....and friday was 'game day' and i scored 2 our of the 3 points for our team playing a form of frisbee....kinda like soccer. the other team never scored.

been staying at sis's the past week or so (it's so much closer to the town where the 5:30 am. bootcamp workouts are).

yesterday, i was grumpy. didn't realize it tho until mom called and i couldn't stand talking to her and then sis got home and asked why i was grumpy. i shouldn't have been grumpy tho b/c the guy i've been dating off and on called me and wanted to see me for a bit during his lunch break. i have fallen in love with him....even tho i've tried not to over the past 6 months or so.

when i left, he said he'd call me last night. he knows how i hate it if he says that and then doesn't so i really thought he would. instead...he called this morning. i almost didn't answer because i was a little hurt, but did.

he said he went out for a little bit last night and then came home early and crashed....which was why he did't call. yeah right. it all struck a cord with me. i've been trying to cut him off for several months now, because even tho he has feelings for me too...he is kinda just out of a relationship and not interested in having a serious relationship in the next year or two. i need a relationship since i have fallen for him....especially so.

anyway....i've tried just not contacting him before, but always end up texting him or something....so today i called him back. i point blank asked him if he had any feelings for me. he got silent. i told him it's okay if he doesn't that i just want him to be honest. he still paused and then quietly said he does...he just doesn't want anything serious right now.

i told him that's not good enough. that i love him (never said that to him before) and that i need either need something real with him or i need to stay away from him. He said he's just the kind of person that need a lot of alone time and who often goes months, sometimes years, without even talking to his family.

it was clear to me that he didn't want what we have to end, but i explained that if he thought i was special enough to be the right person for him then none of his other stuff would matter and he'd want to be with me and not let me get away. He disagreed saying that he's not like that and it's never worked like that for him. He said he thinks i'm a very special person and that i'm sexy (i told him he's the only guy who's ever told me that in my life) and that he likes just about everything about me.

I told him i'm not strong enough to step away from him on my own and asked him to please not call or text me and if i end up contacting him (which my patterns show i will) then i asked him not to respond at all. he didn't like that and said he thought that would be rude of him.

i was crying by that point and he felt bad for that and appologized, which i told him it wasn't his fault. I just explained that when i met him, even tho i wasn't thinking of him in that way, that i want 'the fairy tale' and that he surprisingly turned out to be my fairy tale. I've never dated a better person, guy, anything than him....so of course i want to be with him.

he explained that everyone has vices (one of his is kind of sex...not quite addiction-like, but he has a huge appetite for it)...and then he said maybe mine is love.

Love? As a vice?

It made me think. I've never found anyone who i could love and who loved me back even close to the same amount....been searching for it since i was a child. So i guess he has a very good point.

So, he asked if i was really cutting him off. I said i have to b/c as long as my heart is tied to him then i won't be free or open to looking for anyone else....and i explained that i didn't want to be the kind of girl who waits around for years for the guy she loves to come around and decide he wants to be with her.

Truth is....dating him is better than any relationship i've ever had before. i'm still free to be myself and have my life and then spend a glorious evening out with him a couple times a month in which i stay the night and get cuddled and kissed all night.

I don't think i've ever said it before, but if he asked me to marry him tomorrow i would say yes and be willing to run to any courthouse right then. That's how special this guy is.

But....as long as he just wants to keep it casual....it's hurting me....some in the short run, but more so in the long run.

so...i told him goodbye for good. He asked one last time if i really didn't want him to ever call me again and i said, "Not unless you really want to be with me." He said this sucks, but he respects it and understands why.

I don't think he will ever call me again. And i'm sad, but it's necessary for self-preservation.

Jenna

[shutterbug]

i also put money into a savings account last week for the first time in my life. it's not a lot and i had hoped to have had $1,000 more to put in there, but i guess it gives me a goal to try to add to it.

the sad thing is that if i don't find a decent job soon....then i will most likely have to take money out of it instead. I had also planned on having enough to buy a $1,200 computer to do my photography work on, but instead, i had to pay my mom and step-dad back for money i had accumulated owing them over the past several years.

Roommate is gone, and has been, but I've enjoyed not having the responsibilities of a roommate. She also said some inflammatory things to my cousin Sunday, while we were all at my dad's for a family gathering. My cousin's son is my god-child and are pretty close so she told me despite ex-roommate telling her not to say anything.

I have been livid. I was here for her when NO ONE else was, but as soon as she doesn't need me she shows her true colors and then starts trying to spread lies about me behind my back TO MY OWN FAMILY MEMBERS WHILE AT MY OWN FATHERS HOUSE!!!

I don't know what to do. perhaps she will read this and it will cause her a moment of pause. who knows. i just know i don't want to talk to her because i will go off. It just all goes to show that i need to be less giving and more selfish in life or else even those i would never would expect it from...will take advantage of me and take me for granted.

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last week i was feeling pretty great. partially from being able to stick to bootcamp, partially from feeling more productive than i have in months, partially from my baby cousin visiting our family for the first time since her mom died in 2000 and a few other things.

but i was grumpy yesterday and am down today.

it's kind of odd too....i was at sis's when i went outside to call my guy back to officially 'dump him' and i was crying.....then i watched a little t.v. with sis and the boys and then took a long nap. when i woke...sis was in her bedroom texting and crying. i hadn't known she was crying until nephew asked her why she was. i left her alone. a little while later one of the boys told the other one, "i'm going to kick your a$$" and since she's their mom i informed her. she was sitting on the bed crying. i asked if she was okay and she said she didn't know. i asked if she wanted me to come in and talk with her and she said no. so i left her alone.

soon after, one of the boys informed me that she was outside smoking a cig. She has been smoking off and on for several months now, but has done really well to hide it from them. when i left...she was sitting them down for some kind of talk...either about her smoking or about the guy she's been dating.

i know her tears were about the guy and i knew it was coming from the beginning b/c of how things were with the guy, but she was blind to it all and seeing things through totally unrealistic eyes. but still....i hurt for her. she is/will take this MUCH harder than me ending things with my guy (as i've tried to prepare myself from the beginning for things not to work out with him since i pretty much knew he didn't want a serious relationship right now, etc....and i tried to keep a distance b/c of it, but she, on the other hand has done the complete opposite with her guy....to the point of it being 'weird' if they go an HOUR with out texting or calling each other).

Anyway, it was weird that she ended up breaking up or something (not by her doing tho) with her guy not but a couple hours after i broke things off with mine.

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oh....and i'm mad at myself for the way i acted with one of my nephews yesterday. my sister has been just about the world's worst when it comes to teaching the boys to mind and/or act half-way right in any situation and i finally had enough. i got him a spoon for his choc milk and he used it and then decided he wanted a different one, a smaller one, i told him no. so he waited about 30 seconds until my back was turned and then went to get another spoon out.

I didn't even hesitate. when i saw him sneaking the 2nd spoon after i'd just told him no...i slapped him on the back of his shoulder. He immediately left his choc milk and went into his room. About 10 minutes later, i went in there and he was sitting in a chair hugging and petting a stuffed animal and bawling his eyes out.

i felt horrible. i know i should have sat him down and talked to him first, but he is sooooo defiant about EVERYTHING and i had just finally reacted without thought. I sat down in front of him and explained why it's important to mind adults even when he doesn't understand why they say no. i told him that i don't like spanking him and was sorry i had to. I explained that it's important for him to learn to mind b/c he will be starting kindergarten soon and he will also have to mind the adults there and will just keep getting in trouble if he doesn't. He acknowledged that he's often getting in trouble at day care and said he understood. i asked him for a big hug, told him how much i love him and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

he was fine after that and him started minding me for the rest of the evening and today. but that shouldn't have been my job. i'm his aunt....not his mom. and i also feel horrible because i had left a bit of a hand print on his shoulder. Well, one thing is for sure....i will stop and think before spanking him like that again.

They are 5, going on 6 in a couple of months, and they still pee all over the toilet seat even. my sister does NOT try to teach them even to lift the seat up!! I've been trying the past couple of days, but they just tell me they don't need to lift it b/c they can just wipe the pee off (or they just say it will dry), but they never even wipe the seat off unless i specifically tell them too!!!

it's sad, aggrivating and nearing child neglect in my book. i couldn't stay there another night....even tho i didin't want to come back to my house. They are both cuddlers and love it when i stay the night. I've been sleeping in their room, since they NEVER do (always sleep on the couches or in their mom's bed). And this morning, the dark-haired one came in and cuddled with me for about 1/2 an hour before getting up. Then, later, the blond-haired one came in and cuddled with me for i don't kno how long.

i love them dearly and their mom is letting herself stay too wrapped up in weird relationships with guys and different, unneeded, work projects to properly raise them.

so yeah....life is sucking again in a lot of different ways.

jenna

[shutterbug]

i have a family-portrait shoot in the city tomorrow. it's a family of 5 and i'm just not use to shooting families so i'm stressed and NOT looking forward to it.

Then i have an interview with a long-standing portrait studio on monday. doesn't look like it would be great pay, but i think there's potential there. however, it sounds like it's mostly school portraits and i did that for a couple of months right out of college and didn't like it much at all.

so who knows. i guess if i get hired, i'll do it just to have a job and a little more income. it would be nice to have a regular job again....even if i don't like it....at least it would still be taking pics.

Jenna

p.s. the hardest part about the bootcamp fitness program is the food part. non-fat, sugar-free everything, no soda (not even diet, non-caffeine) and tons of water. i hate it and have been craving all kinds of stuff lately. However, mostly, i've decided that most of my cravings are coming from not being happy right now. I'll be super full and still looking for something to eat. it sucks. but, i know that as long as i keep up the kick-butt workouts and keep 'trying' to stick to the food plans that it will benefit me. my 1st goal is just to lose about 10 more pounds. and i know the more muscles i build...the more my metabolism will be revved, etc.

[hauntedbyjmb]

Hi Shutterbug.
I am new here, but welcome back!

[shutterbug]

Thanks Haunted!

For the most part, things have been going pretty great. I've always read how regular excersize helps with depression and such, but i've been soooo out of shape for about 10 years now that the thought of working out 6-7 days a week was something i thought impossible.

i've tried over the years to motivate my girlfriends and co-workers to go walking with me a few times a week and sometimes several of us were able to keep it up for several weeks or so...but then we'd slowly drop away from it.

i really think the "Operation Bootcamp" program i've been in for a month now is literally going to change my life. It's been hell....especially week 1 and this 4th week, but i've improved substantially in my ability to keep up with the non-obese participants.

I nearly quit wednesday....actually i gave up 30 minutes into an intense job/truck pushing workout. i couldn't keep up with the group pushing the truck up the hill....my body just wouldn't let me run any more and even walking was pushing it. The trainer kept trying to push me, but that only made it worse b/c no matter how hard i tried i was about a block behind everyone else.

i finally sat down on the side of the road and said "i quit" and was bawling so hard i could barely make myself keep trying to breath. After about 2 minutes of sobbing i got back up and pushed some more. By then, they were coming back down the hill with the truck and they told me to grab onto the side with some of the others. i kept up with the truck for about 1/2 a block and then the speed of it going downhill had it too fast for me to keep up. AT THE SAME TIME, the physical trainer who was driving the truck....got too close to the curb and we were about to all collide.

i let go and tried to jump over the curb to get out of the way so i wouldn't be run over. i tripped...and fell and someone behind me came crashing down ontop of me.

at that point i sat up and said, "i can't f---ing do this anymore!"

at that point the main trainer parked his truck at the bottom of the hill and left it running to come back to me and push me to keep going. everyone else jogged the 1/2 mile back to the parking lot we started in to do the final core excersizes.

i don't know how i made it back to the parking lot, but i hated it. mostly i can't handle not being able to keep up with everyone....even the girl who is as out of shape as i am!!! usually i'm a few steps ahead of her or at least right with her....but that day she was running circles around me some how! (we had a very painful strengthing workout the day before and i'd literally limped around all day and night b/c my calf muscles hurt just to lift or bend my leg. i asked her that morning if she'd been hurting and she said no so i'm betting that she hadn't pushed herself to hold the strength training positions the day before that had killed my legs.....or something. lol)

Anyway......long story, but the main trainer said that he definetly wants me to do at least 2 more months and since this first month was on trade (i didn't have to pay the $150 monthly fee in exchange for publicity photos).....well he said i can write a couple of press releases and take some family photos for him as a trade for the next two months worth.

so i'm super happy about that

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i'm still sore from the fall to the curb, but FINALLY my energy level has started increasing and i'm actually starting to FEEL in better shape.

my clothes are fitting a little better and my mom said she can definetly tell i am losing inches. i've only lost 2 pounds so i've been a bit bummed about that since i couldn't tell that i'd really lost any inches....but i also know that i'm building lots of muscles (soooo many that i didn't even know i had) and that muscle ways more than fat.

so....i'm actually loooking forward to month 2 of bootcamp!!!! Hooyah!!

lol

[shutterbug]

i've also been babysitting my nephews basically non-stop for about a week now. i even pick them up from day care and drop them off...and today i picked them up to drive them 1/2 hour to the city for their doc appointment. so sis wouldn't have to leave work early. she met us there, but was in a bad mood because i didn't stay to help with them getting their shots and taking them out to eat as a treat.

She even got mad at our mom. and then called her twice to gripe to her about how horrid i left the kitchen the past 2 days. sis doesn't realize that i had to not only watch her twin 5-year-olds for almost 3 days while she went on a trip, but a 14-year-old family member who stayed the night 3 times the past 5 days...and our other teenage cousin with her 2 month old and the baby-daddy stayed the night also.

so there were literally 4 kids and 2 extra adults in the house. So....even tho i did the dishes 3 times and took out all the trash and picked up the living room and a 100 other chores/child-care things.....all she sees is a sink full of dirty dishes.

she ALSO never makes the twins take their dishes to the kitchen...and the teenagers don't pick up after themselves either....so everything i get up and take my own things...i pick up 3-4 other dishes or trash items from the boys too!! I've been finding dishes allllll over the entire house!!! Even outside!!!

so of course there are more dishes than usuall in the sink!!! I've been cleaning up her and her boy's messes from the previous week!!!

AND i'd spent an hour completely cleaning the kitchen just 4 days ago!!!

actually...picking up after her takes as much work as picking up after the twins....but all she sees is what i HAVEN'T done!

And i have asked her for ANY gas money for driving the twins to and from school all week OR to the dr's in the city today....and i didn't ask for any money for watching them over night for nearly 3 days or taking them out of the house for her since she's been back so she can have "breaks" to do her homework or whatever on the computer.

i love being here...and i love spending time with my nephews...and i feel good about being a positive influence and teaching them the things they need to learn like proper potty training and such....and i love my sister and we've been getting along really well also....but....damn it....

Everytime she's asked me to do anything for her or the boys the past few weeks i have done it!!

And you'd think by her anger about the kitchen would be coming from a neat freak....but that's just it!!! There house is ALWAYS TRASHED!!!!!!

And hell....i've even been doing her AND the boys laundry!!!!!

her idea of laundry is pulling the clean clothes out of the dryer and into a huge pile on the floor for the boys to dig through in the mornings to find clothes to wear!!! I actually folded and sorted AND put up a giant pile of the boys clothes...into their dresser in their room that was totall empty, other than 1-2 items in a few of the drawers!!! AND that was AFTER i'd washed and drying them and more loads as well!!!!

good gravy!!!

unfortunatly, my sister is not the kind of person i can say anything to her about any of this b/c she will get pissed if i even try to ask her to look at the whole picture and not just what i HAVEN'T done for her.

i realize i have some of the same defensive traits...as is evident with the current spats ex-roommate and i have been struggling with, but my sister is a 100 times worse than i could ever be....even if i tried.

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so there's the other thing....ex-roommate. part of me desperately wants to figure out a way to get over my hurts and anger and be able to remain good friends, but the other part of me doesn't know how.

i'm too emotional of a person....things hit me hard at times and i can't just make myself forget or whatever. i wish i didn't take things so hard. i wish i had better coping skills. i wish i didn't have such giant issues with feeling ignored and unloved.

basically...if i could just unplug my brain and my emotions then everything would be fine. i keep telling myself i can get over it, but then thoughts and emotions fly in from when i was trying so hard to do that before it got to a point where things exploded. i was miserable.

i can't handle feeling bad about myself everytime i'm around someone or a group. Why would i continually chose to subject myself to getting depressed, stressed, anxiety ladden and everything else just try to hang out?

what i need to tell to her that i haven't....which is part of why i'm writing this....is that my over-sensativities are not her fault and for those i don't blame her at all for. i have social/situational anxiety issues stemming from my neglect as a child that has a lot to do with how i end up feeling when hanging out these days. i can't help that right now .... but that part is definetly not her fault.

but it all comes down to .... when i hang out do i feel happy and enjoy it or do i end up feeling depressed, hurt, betrayed, angry, etc. The later is the case and i don't know how to fix that.

i'm trying really hard to 'fix' myself and my life and i'm enjoying the fruits of the hard work. i just don't want to be stressed about life right now. i've felt so relaxed and general good feelings of well-being lately and i don't want to/ can't jeaperdize that.

---
not only am i sticking to a super-intense fitness and nutrician program, but i am being productive again with my photography and am working toward building a partnership business in which the studio will be opening for this month. i'm also loving being able to be here for all the kids in the family....nephews, cousins, god-child...and even my grandparents who i will be staying with for several days soon while their care-taker goes on a brief trip. I'm also trying to hurry up and figure a way to finacially move out of my mom's rental house and back to the city. i want to get rid of at least 1/2 my crap and be totally on my own again. AND i've done quite well during this first week of the final break-off with the guy i'd been seeing off and on for 1/2 a year now and who i'd started falling in love with.

so yea....all in all...things are pretty fantastic at the moment and i'm praying things just keep getting better and better each week!!

Monday will be the official end of my first week of bootcamp and we will all do PT tests to see how our fitness/endurance has improved over the 4 weeks. I'm a bit excited!!!

oh....and i've discovered that i actually enjoy protien bars and sugar free strawberry jelly, and fat-free/sugar-free coffee house drinks!!! yea!

Jenna

[nandm]

Jenna, seeing your post brought a smile to my face. Thank you.

Good to see you back.

Sorry about the roomate situation. I know that things can be difficult when living with someone day in and day out, it can really stress a relationship even a good friendship. I do hope that both of you are able to find a way to work through things and find your friendship again.

I was reading back through your recent posts and the anxiety one really stood out for me. I fight with anxiety so much, it leaves me hating myself at times because it just takes over so much of my life and dictates what I do and don't do.

I have been working with the same psych doc for over 6 years now. I have come to realize that as far as functioning goes I have gone down hill and over the past 3 years I have lost so much that I have not even been able to work. I recently put my nursing license in a retirement state as I did not want to let it just expire after 20 years of working.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to find a different psyc doc. This one just adds meds rather than trying to switch to something else. Right now I am on 4 different mood stabilizers, one anti-depressant, one sleeping pill, and 2 anti-anxiety agents. I can not help but think that they have to be interacting with each other and that is not for the best. The sleep med is worthless as one can probably guess since it is 2 am here and I am wide awake. I have taken the max dose and all it did was make me more awake. I will not take it again as I at least am getting a bit tired by now without the "sleeping" pill.

I would appreciate any thoughts you have on this as I know you are quite knowledgeable regarding bipolar issues. By the way I have been reading a really helpful book called "the Bipolar Handbook". It is well worth the read if you have not done so yet.

[eoghanacht]

Hey Shutterbug. Just 'stumbled' across your journalling page/log/entry by chance. Looked kind of interesting, so decided to check it out. Its cool.
I'm not bipolar but I have anxiety and other issues. Oh well!.

How did you get into photography as a job? That is wayyyy hard at the moment, not just in the U.S but also over here (UK).....
I'm not a pro photographer, I just take loads of photos and have been into it for years. Got lots of gear that I bought over time.
Have you heard of Ephotozine? Lots of good photo stuff on there.
Well take care
me

[shutterbug]

Eog... in college i majored in the violin...then music buisness...then international business.......and finally decided to take a break for a semester to try and figure things out.

i ended up taking a photo class just for fun while working back home. from the first roll i shot...i was hooked. i went back to college the next semester and changed my major to journalism. my university only offered 2 freacking photo classes so i had to pick public relations journalism.

so....i joined the student newspaper staff and was very lucky to learn from 2 of the best photojournalists i've ever known.

after college...i had to work as a reporter/photographer for nearly 3 years, but i discovered i was nearly as good at writing news stories too. Finally tho....i landed a job as a chief photographer.

it's been a long haul and my major depressive episodes cost me both jobs. (i've had 3 episodes during my life...the first one in college right before i took the semester off).

so now...i'm trying to work the freelance/small biz owner angle right now.

it's a super tough industry....commercial or photojournalism.

i don't know if i'll be able to stay in in much longer, but it's been my career for 10 years now....even got an assignment from the Associated Press to photography Obama during his campaign. It was pretty cool to get paid to photograph a presidential candidate! lol

Anyway, i just applied for a 13-month tour overseas as an embedded reporter/photographer with the army troops .... where i'd be working for European Stars and Strips. I'm totally keeping my fingers crossed because that would just be the ultimate job experience for me!

---------
(((((Nandm))))))

FOUR freaking mood stabalizers!!! WTF????
Remind me what your full diagnosis is again?

If you are bipolar II then that just sounds insane to me. Even if bipolar I with psychotic tendencies....FOUR seems a little extreme!

What are the names and doses of everything you are on?

Yeah....I've been super surprised at how much the intense workouts 6-7 days a week have helped my anxiety, energy and mood! It's pretty incredible actually.

Yesterday was a stressful day b/c my sister was assaulted and that was following be woken by a call from my cousin that she was ill and fearful of being alone with my god-child and thru tears asked if i could come over.

my sister has never been hurt this bad in her life and while it all was stressful....i felt solid and strong in response.

the only thing i know to attribute that to is 28 days of the tough workout program.

It took me a long time to find a pdoc i like and trust. I've been going to him for about 2 years now and he use to be an ECT doctor so that has also been beneficial with my treatment situations. I've only really questioned him once when he had me totally stop my effexor and start on prosac...without tapering.

but even then, he pretty much knew what he was doing. i still felt some withdraws from the effexor, but it was VERY easy to add back a small dose and taper off it.

Anyway....my point is that it is a difficult, but important task, to keep searching for a pdoc you feel is right for you and really listens. I truely believe it can make or break us!

I think i found him by asking around....i asked other psychiatric professionals and clients also for references.

In my experience, when 1-2 meds aren't working as desired....med switching occures...not always adding pills ontop of more pills. Granted....sometimes we do need different times of anti-d's and things to try and keep us out of hell and perhaps 2 different types of mood stabalizers may be tried, but i don't think i've ever even heard of a bipolar even being on 3 stabalizers....and especially not four.

But....you know i'm not a doc or anything close to it. My suggestion would be to make a list of your concerns and take it in with you at your next appointment. Then either hand it to the pdoc or just go down the list verbally.

I personally don't have much trouble telling a pdoc that i am concerned about what they are prescribing me, etc. I just simply tell them i don't understand why x, y, z is needed for my situation or whatever...and ask them to explain why they have chose that course of action for my treatment.

If they are a good doc...they won't mind informing you. I've also found that good pdocs do not mind explaining their decisions. They want us to be as informed as possible so that we can also help them do their jobs well.

Anyway....i'm interested to hear your full diagnosis and see what list of meds/doses you are on.

When is your next appointment scheduled for?

Jenna

[shutterbug]

forgot to answer your question...noppers...i don't have a clue what 'Ephotozine' is. ? lol

---
just a quick note. i only got a few hours sleep and worked for nearly 9 hours straight painting 6 apartments with 3 other girls. pay is horrid, but i'm tired of not going to a job on a regular basis and it's only a 2-week temp thing anywho.

i slept straight thru bootcamp this morning. i have a dozen alarms on my cell to help get me up, but none of them help if i leave it on vibrate!! dang me. i woke up and saw it was starting to get a little light outside and knew i'd already missed the entire workout.

oh well, all is not lost. tomorrow is suppose to be a day off for us, but the instructors are still meeting for a workout and they said i can join them to make up for missing today.

then i have to drive straight to the painting job....45 minute drive and hopefully put in another 9 or even 10 hours if i'm not too worn out.

i'm totally exhausted at the moment...which i knew i'd be.

i got back into town around 7 p.m., rented a couple DVD's and grabbed some healthy food and headed home....changed clothes...answered a knock at the door from neighbor asking if i have a mouse trap he can use...ate my lunch/dinner....guzzled a cold bottle of water....and watched a movie.

The movie just finished and it was totally stupid "Ciaos Theory"... it was slow and stupid and the artsy/fartsy cinematography got annoying after about 45 minutes (but did at least give me a new idea to try on one of my next art images....lol)

i was about to go to sleep, but wanted to get on the computer for a moment. it's too weird (these days) only having 2 hours of the day to relax/enjoy before seriously needing to head off to sleep. That use to be my norm, but has become the opposite since being on unemployment for a year now.

anyway....the lady i'm painting for is a certified nutritionist and she is helping to teach me more about healthy eating and what is good, bad and ugly. lol so that is an added bonus.

man....my alarm is going to start going off in 6.5 hours and even tho i'm about to fall asleep sitting up...i'm wanting to watch the other movie i have.

also...i'm stressing from not having time/energy to prepare for tomorrow before going to sleep. i need to find some workout clothes to wear and figure out what pants i can wear tomorrow that i won't mind getting paint all over.

and i need to pay bills and all sorts of things. oh well.

i also have had a headache all day from too little sleep.

and been having more thoughts today of the guy i had to drop from my life recently....not sure why, but they are not welcome thoughts and yesterday was my absolute deadline that if he would have called me and told me he wanted a real relationship i might still have considered it. So now i need to work harder on keeping my thoughts off him. (another added benefit of working tons of hours over the next 2 weeks....little time to think! However....painting with white paint for 9 hours is about the most boring thing so i start having a bit of anxiety issues. Today...i just kept wanting to take a smoke break every hour....took me 1/2 the day to figure out that was b/c i was bored and needing more mental activity).

Anyway. I'm determined to lose AT LEAST 10 pounds during this 2nd month of bootcamp. If so...then i will officially be back under 200 pounds - which hasn't been the case since i lost a bunch of weight during my major depression around 2005-06 (which i slowly gained back until this most previous episode. I'd gotten down to 180 back then and around the time i started shock treatments last year i was around 239 - my highest ever!)

So...i'm determined to keep myself from not only putting that 30 pounds back on, but continueing to keep losing and get under that 200 mark that i hate so much!

Next goal will be to get back to 180, then if i can ever get back down to 150-160 AND maintain that....i will be happy as a clam!

way past my stupid bedtime...

Jenna

[cinderellawkids]

Jenna are you ok?
Your posts concern me, I could be reading them wrong but it sounds like your going 100 miles a minute with little slow down. It reminds me all too much of me at what I thought was my best days, my super woman days but they end kinda scarily. I hope Im wrong, maybe I just read fast because Im feeling on the hyper range.

I also wanted to add, man girl how do you handle all that family around with anxiety and social issues? Id be either lashing out or in a corner rocking back and forth its dangerous for me. I had a aunt and uncle in town last week and it nearly killed me. I thought maybe it was just me until I heard other friends and such relate similarities. ANyway in addition to my normal schedule we were going going constanly dinners and meeting with families and my kids being picked up and dropped off, it was so crazy that my laundry situation became much like your sisters and nephews for the week and Im still trying to sort it out.

I just hope your ok. Please take a little down time for you.

Good luck with portraits, after doing so 4 years I dont even get my childrens pictures anymore and almost never photograph people, Im slowly going back into landscape stuff as a hobby

[shutterbug]

lost a post b/c it said i wasn't logged in

anyway....i think my energy is coming from being in week 5 now of almost daily fitness workouts and eating healthy meals and snacks (rather than 1 meal a day like i tend to do).

The anxiety seems to be helped by the workouts too...i guess the endorphins realized during the exercising and such helps or something.

i'm exhausted, but i put in 9 hours of painting apartments yesterday and 10 hours today. i don't think i'm hypo, but it's always possible. I'll be more mindful and see if i notice any hypo symptoms (other than the energy and feeling better stuff). I'm really hoping it's from the life changes i'm making with my physical body and fitness....b/c that means it's something i can always have in my arsenal of great helps toward feeling good and healthy.

Thanks for pointing out your concerns and for reading my novel's/posts. lol

i guess i didn't know/remember you'd been a photographer. That's cool. did you work for yourself or a studio? I've been having trouble learning to pose couples and families...do you know of any good sites that could help show me a bunch of different posing possibilities?

I know and AWSOME landscape photographer i think you'd just love and be totally inspired by. If you are interested let me know and i'll pm you with his daily photo hosting site and his web page. (he's also a hoot!)

cheers,
Jenna

p.s. And i'm not at sis's right now so i'm not having to deal with any of that or the babysitting while i'm working, etc. there's no way i could do ALL that unless i really was super woman! lol

Basically, i'm just going to the morning workout and then going to the apartment painting job then coming home and relaxing a bit before going to bed....so it's not as hectic as it seems. there have just been different weeks with different busy things going on.

[cinderellawkids]

Thats good. I hope it really is from the work out and stuff. I feel better when I stick with that too, but it seems to cycle with moods.

Photography...well that was before digital age, so no websites I know of. I got my degree in photography studies in 94, my portraiture class taught posing and some books from Time...If when I clean out my garage I find them Ill get an address to send them to you.(If being key). I freelanced on and off model portfolios and then lowered myself to working for Olan Mills and PCA then swore Id NEVER work with people again. Subcontracted a little from Nascar and actually starting taking property damage photos for a lawfirm which is why i went back to school for paralegal.

I thought about joining a local photography club and using a darkroom again, but not enough time.

Just occurred, when I was in school we'd go to portrait studios, pretending to be interested in getting portraits, look at there samples and take the posing ideas...

[nandm]

In response to your questions earlier.

I am bipolar II.

The meds she has me on right now are
Lamictal The one I have been on the longest.
Lithium I am reducing this one by half right now. I have got to get rid of some of these meds and this is one that really makes me gain weight.
Buspar She wants me on a higher dose but the higher dose made me a drooling idiot. So I am sticking with the lower dose.
Abilify The most recent one she added. It does seem to work fairly well. Therefor I am thinking I could probably reduce the other medications.

Klonopin as needed for anxiety
Ativan as needed for anxiety

Seroquel She wants me to take this every night but I won't as I think I am on way too much medication.

and a sleep agent...cant recall the name right off hand

I am currently seeking another doctor that will partner with me as far as my treatment goes rather than just throwing drugs at me. I do not recommend anyone stop or reduce their medications without the support and knowledge of their doctor...as what I am doing may have very negative results. At this time though I feel I have no choice.

Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. I know you are quite knowledgable about bipolar disorder.

[nandm]

Oh and I forgot I am also on Cymbalta.....I am on 60mg but she wants me to up it to 120mg.... The last time I was on that dose I went manic..

[shutterbug]

Nandm,

just to give you an idea...I am on 3 meds. Lamictal, prosac and welbutrin.

I was never able to tolerate any other mood stabalizer before Lamictal and it doesn't drop me to idiotville or coma-ville like some of the others seemed to. PLUS i realized it helps my depression more than some of the seperate anti-d's have.

i switched off of effexor last year to the prosac. i'd never tried prosac so i figured why not. it seems to work well for me. and the wellbutrin helps and gives me just a tiny boost in wakefulness i need.

sounds like she is wanting you on the seroquel to help you sleep. i don't know what your sleeping history is, but i've found several things that help me instead of head meds.

I do simple self-hypnosis things in my head to help me stop thinking ... and i have also learned how to do progressive muscle relaxation techniques that just make my body so relaxed and read to fall asleep.

i don't always have to do these things, but they sure help when i need them! And sometimes i'm out in just a few minutes.

Also, antihistamines make me sleepy so if i need something extra i try to reach for one of those...and i also have started trying to watch my caffiene intake after 5-6 p.m.

Now...depending on how motivated you are/want to be... i can't tell you enough how the daily exercise has helped my anxiety, mood, energy and general well-being. If i can keep it up for the rest of my life i truly believe it is the best "med" there is.

What dose of Lamictal are you on now?
Did the doc ever say why she wanted to add on the extra mood-stabalizers?

now, again...i'm NO doc and no on should ever listen to me above a real doctor, but i am wondering how any doc can tell what is working and what isn't with that many different meds going?

What are your main issues? sleep? anxiety? or the depression? are you also a rapid cycler?

Also...have you ever tried vitamins? I know taking a vitamin D helps me with my low energy. And that vitamin C helps me not get as sick all the time during a depressive episode with my immune system is slowed down.

Above all, I think seeking another doctor is the best action. I know that i at least 'feel' like i'm better off when i'm with a pdoc i feel is working with me well and one who is also very competent. Pdocs are like therapists....you have to find one you mesh with and who really seems interested and knowledgeable enough to help you be the best you.

Jenna

[shutterbug]

WARNING: MY TIME OF THE MONTH!!

I f-ing suck! my life sucks, my career (whatever that is) sucks, my home sucks, my family sucks, EVERYTHING sucks.

Unconditional love?

Is there really such a f-ing thing? i don't think so! The closest there is ... i committed love and i can't even find that.

what the F*** is sooooo f-ing wrong with me!!

I should be happy...i've lost 9 pounds the past month (at least) and i've been working a temp job all week to try and buy the computer i've been wanting. everyone else (except my now crazy sister) seems at least semi happy!

i'm tired and obviously grumpy. i behaved very self-destructively this evening. part of me knew i was heading there but had hoped i'd stay sane. psh!

i'm so sick of things i don't even know what to say! me not knowing what to say???

i can't stick to the meal plan...i can't make it to the freaking workouts this month...i was late for the temp job several days...i blew too much of my money...i haven't sat down to pay bills...i only have a month and 1/2 left of unemployment....i want a ******* boyfriend.

why can't i have what normal people have? a man...kids...house...dog...JOB!??? Why can't i even have half that?

i just can't believe that any of this has purpose. i can't make myself believe that i'm unlovable for some divine purpose. hell...i can't even make myself stop desiring fairytales even tho i know they don't exist for me!

i've felt sick all day...nausious....and tired even tho i slept all yesterday. i have one last chance to work another day tomorrow finishing up the last bit of a painting job, but i'm tempted to say **** it and sleep all day! but i blew more money today than i would even make tomorrow....and i'm trying to tell myself i just need to make myself go work the physically demanding day as punishment for my actions and to try to make up for it a little....but i just don't want to.

i don't want to do anything but sleep. but if i go to sleep right now then i will definetly miss everything...bootcamp and work, but i feel like throwing up.

sis is now mad at mom. yippee!!! i wonder if she'll stop and realize that she keeps getting mad at everyone who helps her the most....and that it might be some of her to blame? naw....she's to selfish to look inward at herself.

why do we keep going in lives that suck most the time? sure...i have a few nice days and that's it....but most of it sucks and it's not even 50/50 or anything close. the majority of the days/weeks/months/years in my life suck.

sooooo....perhaps i have been hypo and this is my crash? dunno....don't want to think it so.

i just want to be semi-*******-happy is that so hard?

Jenna

[cinderellawkids]

First of all remember for atleast 7 days you are running on hormones and emotions...Try to lay low and make no major decisions or confrontations during this time, Second, its normal to feel that you want a boyfriend especially when pMSing.

This is likelya hormonal crash, try to if you cant make it to boot camp, atleast excercise 10 minutes a day.

Truthfully life sucks,and when it does the last thing you need is a boyfriend, cause if you find one then, IME they are more messed up and suck even more and make ourlives seem worse.... Think about what youve been through with men last couple years and you'll know Im correct.

why can't i have what normal people have? a man...kids...house...dog...JOB!??? Why can't i even have half that?

Normal people dont have that. Its taken me 19 years to realize that...ok, job would be part of normal, but a temp one is better than what many ahve in todays economy.

I must warn you Im PMSing too and a littly hypo at the same time...

However, this is my experience...unless you already have kids and a dog, you dont want a house. Why? In an apartment what d you do if your toilet clogs, pipe busts loose, dryer catches on fire? You call maintenance. In a home...well let's just say Thanks to my kids and or dog I had 2 overflowed toilets this am and only person to fix was me...I only got one working...I dont even want to go home tonite as they other one was still a nasty mess. I spent 6 hours of my weekend in 95 degree heat mowing my yard, and those darn kids didnt clean up the dog waste before I did so...I tossed out those shoes...
Today is only Tuesday, and OMG I swear the yard looks a mess and needs to be mowed again. Im sure if I just recapped the last 10 days of my home life, when you stopped laughing youd feel happier.

Of course Im far from "Normal" My husbands in jail and when the state agreed he was wrongfully charged I wasnt happy... I felt fear. (But Im married to an addict that I dont wanna let go of, but darn if I want to keep up doing all this work either)

Im only saying this because since I was 15 I wanted a kid a house a dog and to eb married and then Id be happy...and Ive had all that, even seperate times and truth is only I could make me happy. Another thing Ive learned is you dont need someone to ahve those things, you can have/achieve them yourself. When you do, find a trustworthy handyman and a good kennel.

Try to take a nice warm bath, slow thing down a few days and keep telling yourself when the hormones slow you'll be ok. and you likely will, try to keep with the good eating, if you cheat, only cheat a little.

Keep writing and remember the job thing is temporary, the economy right now sucks, but you'll find something. (wasnt unemployment extended recently or is that time what's almost running out?)

[shutterbug]

that time is what's almost running out. i'm on my 3rd extension of unemployment.

i am feeling a bit better today. i purposely didn't go to the morning workout or painting. i needed to be a lazy dog today, but i'm still trying to talk myself into working on my own place.

i think part of the temp job is that the girl i'm working for has a ton of qualities like my sister...thinking she knows everything...is always right...putting others down for things she does herself...pointing blame, but never taking any for her own doings. it's been a bit emotionally draining to always have to feel like i'm having to explain myself and constantly showing her i'm doing a good job and working fast enough. She's soooooooooooooooooooo freaking critical! and that the part that sucks is that she criticizes me for things that have nothing to do with my fault....like saying i missed a spot when i got it twice, but it's still showing a dark spot thru the paint! OMG!

i'm so hard on myself i just can't take that much criticism. AND she does it just as much when i'm doing photo jobs for her! I've been shooting professionally for 10 years and she's been shooting maybe 2 years, BUT because she knows posing (b/c she constantly reminds me she was trained by motophoto and another commercial portrait studio) that she's awesome at it and i need to learn better/quicker. and she has basically said she thinks the photojournalism is a joke.

i know if i stick with her that she has the drive and biz sense to make a photo partnership successful for us both, but i just don't think i can put up with her and keep pushing myself towards things i don't enjoy just to be successful at something in photography.

anyway...you are right. i am hormonal and probably was a little hypo. and i get what your saying about the house and stuff, but i'm having to live in my mom's shack of a (former) rental where the toilet is falling thru the floor, no toilet paper can be flushed b/c the pipes have collapsed, the front porch is about to fall in any day, termites have eaten giant holes into the house where u can even see daylight, there are busted windows with plastic over them, the front door barely opens and i have to slam it with all my might to clothes, it's over run by ants and now roaches have started appearing since the neighbors moved out several months ago, the roof leaks every time it rains in too many places to catch them all in buckets, the house has sunk into the ground so much that the place is literally only inches above the ground underneath it (so no one can ever crawl under it to fix ANYTHING and all the rest of the carpet needs removed and replaced. and that's just the major stuff.

i want to 'try' to make the place as cozy as possible, but it's also hard to have any motivation to do anything here! I painted much of the living room several months ago and last night i noticed by the front door where the wall has shifted several more inches just since i painted!

the place needs torn down.

and kids....yes i want a kid. being around my nephews makes it worse b/c they are so loving and their mom doesn't nurture them at all. she is too busy being her to even enjoy them...and definitely doesn't help them grow or learn or anything. mostly she yells at them.

i say i need a boyfriend b/c i need physical touch...and i'm talking about just hugs and kisses even from a male. i have never been able to let myself be a touchy feely person except with a guy in my life. so i starve for it. i starve for hugs and cuddling and holding hands or anything.

i hate myself so much that the only time i get a reprieve from it is when i have a guy in my life who i can see myself thru their eyes instead.

thank you for your very caring response cindy. it REALLY means a lot to me and i want to come back and re-read it later today.

i just wanted to mainly let you know i'm feeling a bit better than i was last night.

thanks bunches,
jenna