Deep breaths.

[deerwalk]

I am a bit bummed as I have been drinking a bit these last couple of weeks. I actually did something out of character a couple of days ago as a result of drinking. Aside from that, I've been really feeling down, due to my financial and living situation, and also fear leaving to go in public more and more- partially because I am so ashamed of how I look as I can barely afford clothes. So I hide, and I am depressed and I turned down two job interviews (which might get me onto a better living situation) because I feel too fat and ugly, and shabby to interview- I feel that they will see right through me and see that I am nothing but low life, and a drunk, even with a few months of sobriety I felt shabby... I get little gigs here and there, nothing too formal or corporate, and so I have a little income... So it's what came first the chicken or the egg? Am I so low becasue of my situation, or am I in this situation because there's someting wrong with me? Because even when I had a job, it never paid well, I was always upset.... that much hasn't changed, as far as how I feel everything is the same really. So I am considering anti- depressants again but I'm so scared... I seemed to do alright on them 2 years ago, and I lost quite a bit of weight and looked pretty good... But I want to be able to be who I want to be without chemical input, and I am also terrified of withdrawal because going through that once nearly resulted in some drastic actions on my part... I never want to do that again. I can't seem to meditate, and I have not gone to the weekly open meditation too often lately because I just feel like street person. I just want to like life for awhile.

[Bamboozle]

Hello, DW.

I don't like being on medication...


...but the alternative is frightening.

Not every day is perfect...I still have some bad moments...but I'm also having some moments of clarity. I just got a bump up in one of my meds...hopefully everything improves even more over the next few weeks.


Meds and therapy are helping to keep me sober and alive.

Take care of yourself.

[Bamboozle]

...I try to look at taking meds this way...


If I needed glasses to see better, I would wear them.

If I needed a cast for my broken arm, I would be wearing it until I no longer needed it.



I'm not sure my mind was ever really balanced...I don't know...but I do know I've always felt a bit out of place and out of sorts ever since I can remember. It wasn't until 10 years ago that the depression got really bad. That's why I started drinking.

Hang in there.

[otterbearcat]

Hey DW,

Do the deep breaths for sure. I feel like that is what is keeping me from losing my mind right now.

[MycoolFitz]

Hey, you probably suffer from the disease of alcohol and possibly co-ocurring disorders. Your life is a shambles and your down on yourself and isolating. Try something different, what do you have to lose. Seek medical advise if possible, go to meetings, clean yourself up as much as possible and don't wallow in self-pity. Antidepressants might help, I'm on them and they are helping me. I'm also on Seraquel for sleeping and anxiety and Camprral for craving. I don't think of this as "cheating" its part of my treatment to keep me sober. And without sobriety (guit drinking now!) nothing else is possible. I'm 90 daze sober now and putting myself and my life back together one day at a time.

We cannot change anything
until we accept it. Condemnation
does not liberate, it oppresses.
C. G. Jung

[deerwalk]

Really- Camprall for craving? That's a new one to me. Food for thought.

[Dee74]

I really agree with Bam

D

[mikefreak]

DW, have you ever seen a circus elephant tied down by a little rope tied to a little stake? Here's a two-ton animal who has been trained to believe since it was young that this tiny stake can hold it back. It BELIEVES that it is too weak to change the situation. Kind of reminds me of you. You are a very pretty young woman, & I wish you would get your head out & BELIEVE it! And, you will have to deal with the outside, cruel cruel world sooner or later. I was a lot like you- afraid to face the world outside my front door. All it did was keep me mired in poverty.
I Realize that you live in a BIG city,& I guess day-to-day life there can be pretty scary. But you have a lot of opportunites you are not taking avantage of. A steady paycheck can bring a LOT more peaceful mind. why not face the world like the rest of us? Let it be known that you are a talented artist. Let the world know Amber EXISTS.

[least]

I know what you mean, I just want to be able to tolerate life for a while. but if my daughter knew I was drinking again, she'd desert me. I'm afraid to do nothing and afraid to do something. I understand how you feel. I wish I had an answer for you. But i'm sorry, i don't

[deerwalk]

I appreciate it least! No advice is necessary, just to know someone is listening is great- thank you And mike thanks for your kind words. I will try and remember them