Do You Like Me? (This is kind of long)

[least]

I understand how you're feeling, as I'm in a similar situation right now with youngest kid. I have no advice to offer but want to send you hugs and tell you I think you're doing the right thing to look after yourself and do whatever is necessary to preserve your own sanity.

BIG hugs for you!

[martha27]

Suki, you sound completely burnt out and emotionally exhausted,

is it okay for you to take some time out for yourself?

reading this thread I don't think you have a choice at least just a small break, I think you already recognise that you are putting yourself at risk by continually putting yourself out there and your life to a certain extent on hold. You must trust your instincts...only you know where you are up to with this.

Apart from all my other problems, one that gives me a lot of pain is my mother, she is suffers from a narsistic disorder (quite literally everything is about her) and depression. At the end of last year I reached a wall, I just could not deal with it any longer and I just wanted to shut off all contact. However with my doctor we agreed that it would make her worse and I do love her. So we worked out a short to meadium term plan to maintain contact with her while protecting myself. Dr suggested I call her twice/three times a week on certain days for 5-10 mins, I will send her an email/letter etc and catch up with her every 3rd week for a visit with a purpose (i.e gardening, movies blah blah) bascially so she felt that she was getting contact but I was controlling it, I also told her I was burnt out (not from her) but that I was tired, weepy and needed some time to recoup. Much to my shock the plan has worked, I have also gotten my brother to call her 3 times a week, b/w us both she is positively run off her feet, but I refuse to get into her 'issues'. I know your situation is different and I wish you the best of luck, but you definately sound as though you have reached burnout yourself and I don't think anyone could blame you, take care of youself suki and love to your daughter.

[suki44883]

((((MARTHA)))!!!! What is it about you? You always seem to hit the nail squarely on the head! YES! I am totally and completely exhausted and burned out. For so long, my brain was so fried. Everything is always about HER! Maybe she has that narcissist thing you mentioned. I guess it's part of her illness. Even now, when I say anything to her about enjoying my day, she immediately says something like...well, sure..."I'm not there to make your life miserable. You're doing just fine!" AAARRGGGHHH!!!!!

She doesn't understand that this is very hard for me too. I love her with all my heart and the last thing I ever wanted to do was send her away. It's just that she wasn't getting any better here despite the therapy and med management. She was attempting suicide almost every other month. I never knew what I was going to come home from work to. It was constant tension.

Anyway, thank you so much for your post. At this point we are trying the limited contact thing. At first, when she got to her dad's, she was calling me multiple times a day. Each time she was in the hospital all those times, she called me at least 20 times every single day. She is way too attached to me and as much as I love her, that was so draining. Like I said, after she left, it took me a couple of weeks to just BE. I got no pleasure in the fact that I had my home to myself. It was just relief. After several weeks now, I'm feeling the emotions and I think it's time to talk to someone. That's why I made the appointment with the therapist. Of course, my daughter isn't happy that I'm seeing a therapist. She's even told me that she's afraid that I'll figure out that I'm better off without her and that I'll really enjoy living alone. See? It's still all about HER!

Thanks again, Martha. (((HUGS)))

[evmdimples]

Suki, the "all about her" is a symptom of the borderline. Radical acceptance is part of the solution (for the nons, otherwise we go crazy hoping that'll go away/change!) As you must know by now, unless they do the work, nothing will change in the borderline except how you respond. It's good that you'll be talking to a therapist and are taking some time away from her. I did that myself and it did wonders for me and my recovery. When I was ready, I reached back out to my BPD with strength and new tools to handle situations. Things have been going rather well. Loving detachment and radical acceptance have been an important factor.

Your thread reminded me about something long ago. I had a sister in law who attempted many times during my marriage to her brother. She belonged to AA, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, etc. She tried to get me involved in 12-steps and gave me the affirmations book I have just started to use for my own codep recovery, 18 years later. If only I had listened, perhaps my own life would've turned out so much different. But it wasn't my time.

The first few times she attempted, I was sad and worried about her. After about the 10th time, I was angry. It felt manipulative. Her final (successful) attempt was about 15 years ago. It's in the last few years that I was able to finally realize that the attempts where her way of asking for help. With recovery I've incorporated the buddhist principle of loving kindness and compassion for all. With that as part of my recovery, I finally realize that I could've been a better sister in law for her. Not as a saviour, but as a better friend. Maybe this is my amends to her. Please only take what you need and leave the rest.
((hugs))

[suki44883]

Thanks, ev. I'm about to leave for work. I'll give your post more attention after I get settled in there. Thanks so much! (((HUGS)))

[JMFburns]

Suki,

Thanks for a great post and everyone for a good thread.

I can relate to the feelings and the exhaustion.

My 28 yr old son struggles w/drug addiction and mental illness issues - hasn't had any of the mental illness really diagnosed because he won't take responsibility for himself to set & keep regular appts. I am his last contact with his growing up life (only "friends" left are new ones he's made at the homeless shelters) and I am slowly coming to terms with chosing either my sanity or his insanity.

My 25 yr old daughter relies on me for almost everything. She is a student (for nursing) and works part time, and we live together (with her cat & dog.) She has very little friends so relies on me to be there for movies, dinner out, other entertainment, etc. When life is overwhelming to her (most days) she calls me to cry and ask what she should do (go to work or call in sick (hates her job,) drive to visit her dad & his family or not (doesn't want to but feels obligated,) is bored and has nothing to do, has school assignments due but is tired or doesn't know how to do them, can't get the dog to poop, etc.) And she will call 2-5 times most days.

Enjoy your peace and quiet and I hope you can work out a relationship with your daughter that works for you.

Joan