Please Help

[RockyGirl]

...I just don't know why I have these feelings and thoughts...

i'm so exhausted...a couple of weeks ago I managed to flush around 350 quid down the drain on tattoos and getting my hair cut and other non essential things...I thought it'd make me happy because it was all part of my 'plan' I was really excited all the time...had lots of thoughts and big ideas and PLANS. so I spent the money and was hyperactive and got hardly any sleep...

over the last couple of weeks I have dropped significantly again and I have arranged another appointment with my therapist...the doc has also put my citalopram from 20mg to 40mg...can't feel the effects yet...

my mind and self esteem and everything has dropped too low...i'm even thinking about finishing it all again...I wish I could cut again but I promised my parents I wouldn't

I feel so guilty and useless and hopeless...there is NOT A LIGHT AT THE END OF MY TUNNEL...nothing but smelly disgusting sewege water and a man with an axe waiting to put me out of my misery...

I keep getting these really weird images and hearing these whispers and they make me twitch and feel really weird and people notice! they think I'm crazy!


I just wish someone would lock me up in the mental hospital so I can't do damage to myself or others...I HATE MYSELF!!!


sorry
I just can't do it anymore

[Astro]

RG, I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope that seeing your therapist and the med adjustment helps. Cutting isn't the answer, and while the tattoos and other non-essentials can help us to feel good temporarily, we end up dealing with that big hole in our soul when the high wears off. I used alcohol to fill that hole for so many years.

I don't have the answer, and I pray that you continue to seek help, but what I can tell you is that nobody, NOBODY, is useless and hopeless. You're here looking for support and help in your recovery, that makes you a winner in my book.

No need to apologize, keep reaching out, others will respond here soon.

[RockyGirl]

Originally Posted by Astro

RG, I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope that seeing your therapist and the med adjustment helps. Cutting isn't the answer, and while the tattoos and other non-essentials can help us to feel good temporarily, we end up dealing with that big hole in our soul when the high wears off. I used alcohol to fill that hole for so many years.

I don't have the answer, and I pray that you continue to seek help, but what I can tell you is that nobody, NOBODY, is useless and hopeless. You're here looking for support and help in your recovery, that makes you a winner in my book.

No need to apologize, keep reaching out, others will respond here soon.

Thank you Astro....I have been using alcohol the last couple of weeks to dull the pain but it doesn't work...it's never enough...and I shouldn't really be having it anyway because of my medication...I just feel so messed up!

thank you for the support! it really does mean alot

[Astro]

It helped to dull my pain...until I sobered up....and then I was left with just me again. I use a spiritual program to fill that hole now, every day has become a gift rather than something I dread facing.

Are there any group support meetings you can attend in Brighton?

[Dee74]

Hi RockyGirl

Please continue to tell your therapist how you feel - I don't have much experience with anything you've described except using alcohol to numb the pain but I thought I'd post and give you the number and URL for Frank - the UK drugs and alcohol helpline - theres some really good reading (lots of it LOL) and links to all kinds of help and support there, not just drug related

FRANK - Need help

and the Samaritans
Samaritans Home Page-->

and, of course, keep posting here

nice to 'meet' you Rocky Girl
D

[Katie09]

Rockygirl, are you bipolar? I am bipolar. What you've said to me reminds me of bipolar. I've had a couple of mixed states - that is what they call them. At any rate dear, please do seek psychiatric help and soon, if you haven't already. If you feel it would be best to go into the hospital, then maybe it would. Don't wait for someone else to put you there. You CAN put yourself there. I think you have the insight and awareness to know something isn't right.

Keep posting here and we are all here for you.

Katie.

[Cleansing]

Originally Posted by Katie09

Rockygirl, are you bipolar? I am bipolar. What you've said to me reminds me of bipolar. I've had a couple of mixed states - that is what they call them. At any rate dear, please do seek psychiatric help and soon, if you haven't already. If you feel it would be best to go into the hospital, then maybe it would. Don't wait for someone else to put you there. You CAN put yourself there. I think you have the insight and awareness to know something isn't right.

Keep posting here and we are all here for you.

Katie.

Yeah, that's the first thing that came to mind for me, was that this sounds like bi-polar, you're spending all this money, feeling really excited, have these grandiose ideas. But it's only bi-polar if that feeling lasts for a while. I'm not a doctor, so u can just ignore what I typed if you want. It could be type 2 BP btw. Let the therapist know everything you've been through and if you go through cycles of ups and downs.

I usede to cut. I used to love the feeling of my skin ripping open and having the blood trickle down. But then I realize I was getting all these ugly scars, and it stopped feeling good after a while. Don't cut, it really doesn't do anything for you. And if it does feel good, you know it'sa very, very short feeling. You don't want more scars do you?

If you want your meds to work properly you need to stop drinking. For me, alcohol was something I used to numb the pain, but I had to drink a lot to reach the level of numbness i wanted. And eventually the booze runs out and you're left with more depression.

I don't know, just talking about myself here maybe u can get something out of it.

[BlueMoon]

I can so totally relate but don't have the energy to reply. Instead I'll just share this:

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel! It's just that there's a bend in the tunnel and you can't see it yet.


Blue

[Toomutch]

I agree... There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Last October I was about to call it quits, very depressed. Found out I was bipolar got on some meds and attended an intensive outpatient program. I never thought things would be better... I was wrong as I am feeling 10 X better.

Hang in there... Things will get better.

[namommy]

Originally Posted by Katie09

Don't wait for someone else to put you there. You CAN put yourself there. I think you have the insight and awareness to know something isn't right.

Keep posting here and we are all here for you.

Katie.

Please, if you feel that bad, put yourself in the hospital. I did back in March. I knew I wasn't doing well, and I knew I had to get myself right. Dont wait until it's too late. Go in-patient before you cut and before something bad happens from mixing the alcohol with your psych meds.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Laurie

[RockyGirl]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon

I can so totally relate but don't have the energy to reply. Instead I'll just share this:

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel! It's just that there's a bend in the tunnel and you can't see it yet.


Blue

thank you for this...it's an insightful view...I just hope I will soon be able to see the light!

thank you!

Originally Posted by Toomutch

I agree... There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Last October I was about to call it quits, very depressed. Found out I was bipolar got on some meds and attended an intensive outpatient program. I never thought things would be better... I was wrong as I am feeling 10 X better.

Hang in there... Things will get better.

I am so glad that you fought it and you are feeling better! thank you for your support and encouragement

Originally Posted by namommy

Please, if you feel that bad, put yourself in the hospital. I did back in March. I knew I wasn't doing well, and I knew I had to get myself right. Dont wait until it's too late. Go in-patient before you cut and before something bad happens from mixing the alcohol with your psych meds.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Laurie

thank you for your very kind thoughts...I'm just a bit lost at the moment


thank you everyone! all your replies and comments mean so much to me!

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by RockyGirl

...I just don't know why I have these feelings and thoughts...

i'm so exhausted...a couple of weeks ago I managed to flush around 350 quid down the drain on tattoos and getting my hair cut and other non essential things...I thought it'd make me happy because it was all part of my 'plan' I was really excited all the time...had lots of thoughts and big ideas and PLANS. so I spent the money and was hyperactive and got hardly any sleep...

over the last couple of weeks I have dropped significantly again and I have arranged another appointment with my therapist...the doc has also put my citalopram from 20mg to 40mg...can't feel the effects yet...

my mind and self esteem and everything has dropped too low...i'm even thinking about finishing it all again...I wish I could cut again but I promised my parents I wouldn't

I feel so guilty and useless and hopeless...there is NOT A LIGHT AT THE END OF MY TUNNEL...nothing but smelly disgusting sewege water and a man with an axe waiting to put me out of my misery...

I keep getting these really weird images and hearing these whispers and they make me twitch and feel really weird and people notice! they think I'm crazy!


I just wish someone would lock me up in the mental hospital so I can't do damage to myself or others...I HATE MYSELF!!!


sorry
I just can't do it anymore

RockyGirl, it sounds like you are bipolar with psychotic features. What all medications are you on? You may need to add an antipsychotic like Geodon or Seroquel. When you feel like cutting here are three things that have worked for me:

1. Squeeze a handful of ice until the urge passes.
2. Masturbate or have sex (although at the time you may not feel like it).
3. Exercise for at least 30 minutes and you'll get the full therapeutic effect.

If you feel this low and the suicidal urges won't pass, you definitely need to go to the hospital and probably spend a few days there, or immediately see your psychiatrist and get your meds checked/changed. Just realize your feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness are a product of your disease and that's not who you are. Don't let the illness win by ending your life, as tempting as that may be. Your family and friends would be heartbroken and devestated.

Just remember that even when its pouring, the sun's still shining on the other side of the clouds.

Take care and good luck,

Clayton

[RockyGirl]

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

RockyGirl, it sounds like you are bipolar with psychotic features. What all medications are you on? You may need to add an antipsychotic like Geodon or Seroquel. When you feel like cutting here are three things that have worked for me:

1. Squeeze a handful of ice until the urge passes.
2. Masturbate or have sex (although at the time you may not feel like it).
3. Exercise for at least 30 minutes and you'll get the full therapeutic effect.

If you feel this low and the suicidal urges won't pass, you definitely need to go to the hospital and probably spend a few days there, or immediately see your psychiatrist and get your meds checked/changed. Just realize your feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness are a product of your disease and that's not who you are. Don't let the illness win by ending your life, as tempting as that may be. Your family and friends would be heartbroken and devestated.

Just remember that even when its pouring, the sun's still shining on the other side of the clouds.

Take care and good luck,

Clayton

Thank you for this post! I have been feeling suicidal for about 3 days now and the only thing that stops me doing it is that I know what it would do to my parents...

Thank you for your advice! I will try the ice and excersise thing if I can!

thanks! :ghug2