new to this forum

[namommy]

I've been posting on SR for years now, but I think I came on this forum maybe once during that time.

I am really depressed. I can't shake it. I have been basically sleeping constantly. I'm not sure which came first. The depression making me sleep all the time, or my other physical illnesses and chronic pain that have me confined to bed rest making me depressed.

I'm not even sure which forums to post in. I have depression, but I also have anxiety disorders, PTSD, and Pain Management. I generally post in Women in Recovery and Christians in Recovery, and recently I've been posting in the pain management forum.

I'm wondering if I should also post in the two mental health forums that fit me as well, but it's tough to decide because it all goes hand in hand.

I think of all the medical issues I have, including the mental health issues, I hate the depression most of all. It seems to be the hardest cycle for me to come out of.

I sit and watch the clock and wait for 9 o'clock to come so I can come into my room and come on=line before I start my "God time" or my hour or so that I spend praying and reading the bible, then going to sleep to escape the depression.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Laurie

[martha27]

Hey Laurie

Sounds pretty horrendous what you are going through, are you getting any treatment for the depression? have you discussed this with your doctor? could it be a side effect of your existing medication? Waiting until you can go to sleep sounds pretty bleak and you sound like a beautiful person. I am not sure about pain mgt, I am just plain crazy so I don't have any other issues going on health wise, so I cannot advise you about that. But I do know that having the right doctors and continually pushing for better drugs and treatment is a constant battle for both the mentally ill and those with chronic pain, I think we get thrown on the too much trouble pile unless we kick up a bit of a stink.

You are entitled to a better existence than the one you are currently experiencing and I think you need to go straight back to your doctors, I will give you and example since getting sober 4 weeks ago I have been very depressed and went to my doctor and really pushed for treatment, she did some blood tests and I have an underactive thyroid as a direct result of my meds. So it is really important to go back to your doctors and explain your situation and not accept that b/c you are in pain its a given your depressed. It could be something easily fixed, or something other than what might first present itself.

Take care of yourself and I will follow you thread!

[namommy]

I came on to try to keep myself busy and not think about how I feel, but I'm even too depressed to really post. I'll try to pop in later. I am going to check some of my other posts before I log out.

[martha27]

Good to see you are feeling much better, I hope things are going well for you re: pain mgt!

[BlueMoon]

i can relate to "not wanting to think about it".
If I THINK about my depression/anxiety that would be admitting that it's "REAL" and I don't WANT it to be real!!

Blue

[namommy]

Today, I got up early and as bad as I just wanted to go back to bed, I didn't. I got dressed, Had a cup of coffee and went out side to show my husband where I wanted my moon flowers planted, and to prune my roses and a few other plants.

Then I came inside and straightened up the livingroom and re-cleaned the kitchen (I have "mess-monsters" that come out during the night while I sleep).

Went to the wireless phone dealer and that's when all heck broke loose. They wouldn't honor the insurance plan for repair/replacement of fault phones. I flipped out. I called customer service and filed a complaint, found out that there is no way to contact the corporate store (I couldn't get a phone number, address, or e-mail) so, I did a little research and found their investors relations and media relations e-mails and sent them an irrate letter about the run around I got. (over 2 hours back and forth from customer service, the dealer, the insurance company, and the manufacturer) By the time I found the e-mail addresses, I was HOT!! Then I went on the Better Business Bureau web-site and filed a complaint. When I sent my -mails to the investors and media relations, I told them I wanted a timely response or I was forwarding the e-mail to all the regional newpapers and new broadcasts consumer help lines.

Since I already paid this months bill, I paid for 4 phones when I can only use 2 because they won't honor their plan. I've also paid $192.00 per year in premiums for insurance that they won't honor.

Needless to say I am switching wireless providers.(they also have a limited calling area)

So, instead of being depressed, I was having a good day, now I am so stessed and so anxious that I can't stop shaking, I can hardly breath and I have chest pains. MY husband keeps telling me to let it go, but I can't. It's alot of money that we've put out. Don't mess with my family or the little bit of money I have. and don't try to rip me off. It really gets me fired up.

Thanks for being here, I really need to vent tonite.

Laurie

[Overman]

@ Namommy

I work in a mental health setting, so I often have a hard time holding back from saying certain (helpful) things in this forum.

From what you describe, it sounds like PTSD is the most troubling aspect of your mental health problems, and perhaps contributing significantly to your depression and anxiety.

Do you see a therapist?

[martha27]

Overman excuse my ignorance, what are the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Namommy I am pleased you are not feeling depressed, but you sound like you have bounced into another extreme/upsetting state, do you feeling like you are bouncing around with your moods/emotions?

p.s. In saying this any sane person can be driven to lunacy with the phone companies and I have terrible fights with them as well, please don't think I am being critical. Its just worrying that you are unable to calm down afterwards, as this will be really affecting you?

I hope you are feeling calmer and better now and I hope that garden is look good, sounds like a lovely hubby!

[namommy]

overman,
Yes, I do see a therapist. Out of curiosity, why do you think my reaction was more related to my PTSD?

Martha,
Most of the time I am depressed. However, prior to all of the health problems, and the depression, etc. rearing their ugly head once again (I went through a similar episode with depression several years ago, that's when I found SR, when I was coming out of it.) anyway, I had a reputation for being somewhat of a b*tch. I wasn't mean and yelling and screaming, but I generally just speak my mind and stand up for what I believe in. At times, I'm not just honest, but brutally honest.

Now, when something like that happens I go full tilt, overboard with it, and can't control myself or get myself pulled back together.

It also set off another cycle, I couldn't sleep that night, so during the day, I can barely keep my eyes open and I sleep all day, then I can't sleep again at night. like tonite. But, tomorrow, I have no choice but to stay awake, It's fathers day, and we are going to my nephew and his wife's house for the day (the entire family) this always sets me off, since I am the black sheep of the family and my mother and I had a HUGE fight 2 nights ago where she got vicious (spelling?). She has a habit of doing that and hitting all the right nerves to turn me into a wreck. And I get to ride with my parents to the party, since my husband and youngest son are leaving for Boy Scout Camp tomorrow morning and will be gone for a week. This should be such an amusing ride. NOT.

Sorrry, I'm ranting.

Thanks.
Laurie

[Overman]

@ nam

The 'flipping out' and 'setting off another cycle' parts caught my attention.

Now, when something like that happens I go full tilt, overboard with it, and can't control myself or get myself pulled back together.

The DSM-IV states:
"intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event"

"physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or...(as above)"

"difficulty falling or staying asleep"

"irritability and outbursts of anger"

"difficulty concentrating"

I'm not trying to play doc here, as its against the board's rules...but this may be a significant event to explore with your therapist.

Sorry it's been so rough.

[namommy]

Thanks,

It just so happens that "mom" has been stirring up the soup all week for whatever reason she has this time.

Whenever my mother gets stressed out or can't handle something in her life, she tends to play "Hocus Pocus, Throw the Focus" and she general tends to throw in my direction.

I have alot of physical issues as well, that are agravated by the change in weather. The past few weeks have been really doing a number on me physically. My mother has never been able to deal welll when anyone of us gets sick. She doesn't know how to show care and concern she displays anger instead (that's where I learned it from) If I a hurt instead of crying or saying "you hurt me" I burst out in anger. Anyway, this week she has said alot of hurtful things to me. At one point, she was screaming at me "YOU KILLED MY MOST BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, AND DO YOU KNOW WHO MY MOST BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER WAS?.....YOU!" she said she can't even look at old pictures of me anymore because it kills her to see what I used to look like and what I look like now. She said many things along these lines and worse and I've had to ignore her and keep my distance from her all week.

I was too sick today from my fibro to go out to my nephews house with the family for fathers day, and she got mad about that. I knew she would. I called my oldest sister, explained the situation to her, she can usually get through to my mother and explain things to her. My sister said she can't get her brain wrapped around my illnesses because she doesn't want to. she can't handle me being this sick.

I wish my life weren't so complicated. I am going to talk to my therapist, who is also the PA who prescribes my meds from my psychiatrist. I need (I believe) either a change in my anti-depressant (but it works well for my fibro) or an additional anti-depressant. I can't continue to go on living my life in this state.

Thanks again for letting me go on.

Laurie

[martha27]

Laurie

So let me get this right, you are a woman coping with:

a) emotionally toxic/problem mother
b) chronic pain
c) serious illness & treatment
d) depression
e) sleep problems

At the moment you are currently having the following symptoms

a) depression
b) feelings of anger and frustration (situational)
c) sleep disturbance
d) relationship issues with family member/s

Pain etc from what I understand is beyond your control, therefore only the above problems can be changed?

Perhaps you cannot change the pain, illness and relationship strain, however you need to be mentally strong and stable to constantly deal with such an emotional/physical tsunami. Not getting proper sleep and feeling that your medication is putting you on a a see saw is just going to make matters so much worse, given how much you have to deal with. You doctor needs to make it a top priority and sort it out, for me I am concerned b/c any of the above problems could develop into something more serious quite easily.

I thought Overman's post was really interesting, do you think it is at ll applicable to you?

Thinking of you!

[namommy]

Martha,
The things you listed are just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow, I start detoxing my daughter off of heroin, cold turkey. She knows that is how I got clean, and this morning she called me crying (last night I asked her to roll up her sleeves and sure enough, fresh track marks), she asked me to help her through the withdrawl. So she is coming to my house tomorrow to spend the rest of the week here while she withdrawls. I'll taper her with methadone, and just talk to her and hold her and love her through the tough patches.

My youngest son has depression with anxiety due to abandonment issues. Over the past 3 1/2 years, we have had 21 deaths between friends and family. Since his favorite Aunt died when he was 7, then last year his favorite Uncle he has been sleeping in my room with me. He called last night from boy scout camp crying, because he misses me and he kept saying he couldn't get through the week without me. I talked to him to settle him down. Today, I talked to him and he was fine.

And, yes, I do agree with overman, I have been diagnosed with PTSD. When I was actively using, I spent years homeless, prostituting on the streets, and living a very violent life style. Any weakness that was shown was used against you, so you always had to be one step ahead of the pack and always on your toes. Sleep was a luxury, showers were a miracle.

So, I do have some very deep seeded issues.

Thank you for your concern.

Laurie

[martha27]

Namommy

How is your daughter doing? i will be honest the amount you have to cope with is quite simply overwhelming. Way too much for the average person, but then again it does not sound as though you are average, you sound pretty amazing!

What brings you happiness in all of this?
Who is supportive of you?
Have you been able to get to the doctor about you medication??

[ClayTheScribe]

The best advice I can give for anger and anxiety is deep breathing. That may sound stupid or pointless but it really does help. Do this:

1. Breathe in through your nose for 3 seconds.
2. Hold your breath for 3 seconds.
3. Breathe out through your mouth.
4. Repeat for 3-5 minutes.

I'd also recommend some light exercise (since you have pain problems), even if it's just walking around the block a few times. The key time to get the psychological benefits of exercise is 15-30 minutes.

Since you suffer from PTSD, you should ask your therapist about trying EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Here's a good description:
A Brief Description of EMDR - EMDR Institute, Inc.
I know EMDR has helped a lot of people with PTSD.

Anger is definitely a part of depression, but it probably stems more from the fact that you had a poor role model in the form of your mother. Address this with your therapist.

Good luck and thanks for sharing with us!

Clay

[namommy]

Thanks everyone,

Martha:
My daughter never came up to detox. She came up yesterday to have my husband look at her car, and she has track marks on her arms, but swears they are old. I know better, I shot dope for way too long, I know what fresh marks look like.

As far as what brings me happiness, first and foremost is getting with God. Reading the Bible, praying the rosaries, or just burning incense and oils and praying and meditating. Also, going to church when I can manage to go out to get there.

Also, my garden. I start my plants in the house from seed in mini greenhouses, I love watching them sprout and grow, and then the big day when they go in the ground. I can no longer do the heavy work my self, but my husband and my oldest son know how important my garden is to me, and they have been a HUGE help this year with the digging and weeding, I am able to do the pruning and dead heading of the larger plants. I am excited about one plant that I have. It is a Hens and Chicks. They vary with their rate of maturity depending upon the species, and the plants I have originated in my great-grandmothers garden, then to my grandmother, then to my mother and my father has taken sections of the plants and given some to me and my sisters and the older grandchildren. I'm so excited because this type only flowers once every 75 years, and then that rosette dies, and I have a rosette ready to flower. I keep taking pictures with my phone, but they are not the greatest, I have to get my husband to clear out the digital camera so I can get some good shots. We figure this one had to come from either grandmothers or great grands plant. It is exciting. I love to nurture.

Clay,
Thanks for reminding me about the breathing excercises, I know about the, but I always forget about them until someone reminds me, thanks.
And, I will definitely check out that site.

I also found out that my sleeping all the time may not just be depression. I have Epstein-barr, and although the virus doesn't reactivate, the symptoms can recurr during your lifetime, and my symptoms have reared their ugly head.

sleeping alot, fever, sore throat, body aches, swollen glands, and abdominal pain due to inflammation of the spleen. I have to see my doctor tomorrow, she's primarily concerned about the abdominal pain, the rest of the symptoms have to just run theiir course (4 to 8 weeks), but I have to be careful if my spleen is inflammed, I don't know what she will do if it is.
I saw my therapist yesterday, and I have to see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks she is recommending that he add another anti-depressant.

Next month I have a joint session with both me and my husband, I suggested it, because the past few days since he has been back from boyscout camp he has turned back into a miserable mother*****r. He's picking at everything, yelling at my oldest son for no reason, fighting with me, my youngest son doesn't want to go near him, and instead of him getting upset and seeing his behavior he just gets madder. He used to be like this years ago, then he took some steps to correct his behavior, working with a therapist, taking anti-depressants, and he's been the wonderful, caring, man he was when we got married. Now he's a jerk again. we've been married 12 years, we met at an NA meeting. Normally he is very supportive of me when I get really sick, but not this time. I could use some prayers for him.

Thanks for the support, and following this thread, it really means alot to me.

Laurie

[martha27]

Laurie

I am amazed at how strong you are. I am really sorry to hear about the diagnosis re: Epstein-barr I must admit I had to google it to understand what it is, but if its anything like glandular fever I feel so sorry for you sounds awful. Does this mean you don't have depression but rather other symptoms mimicking it? or does it mean you have depression caused by the Epstein-barr? Does it matter? Can you get treated for it quite easily?

Hearing what makes you happy made me feel peaceful just reading it, its really nice to have such a passion as gardening, I really like it as well, but I don't think I'm as experienced as you I keep killing things at the moment. I hope that you are able to get some peaceful moments amongst your kids and hubby, although like everyone else they are probably just going through a rough patch.

I think what impresses me most Laurie is that despite all of the difficulties your family has and your health you stick together, understand each other and support each other, thats a hell of a deal, I think most people on this site feel very alone and alienated by their family, I think you are the lynch pin for your family and you have a lot to be proud of in that, its unique and precious.

I hope you are feeling okay and I look forward to you getting better

[namommy]

Thank you Martha for your kind words. They really mean alot.

The Epstein=barr, I had the virus in the past, so I can't get the virus again, but the symptoms recurr during your lifetime and there isn't much to do but rest and fluids and let them run their course. I'm not sure what will happen after I get the CT of my spleen, depending on how enlarged it is. For now, my doctor told me nothing strenuous and if the pain in my side gets worse (unbearable) then I should go to the ER right away. If it gets too enlarged, it could rupture. I have a hard time staying down, I used to be very active and outdoorsy (camping, hiking, fishing, etc.)

As far as my garden, I used to kill any plant I touched, but I refused to give up. I just kept trying, looking up information on-line, including videos on how to do certain things with certain plants. Not I have a beautiful garden, and I even have some plants in the house that are doing very well. Last night my husband and I went out to train the vines of my moonflowers, and I found a few small buds starting and I got so excited. They bloom at night. 6 inch diameter white flowers that smell wonderful. they bloom in the evening and stay in bloom until late morning, then go back in until night. We planted a 6 ft high by 30 ft long wall of them. I can't wait until the entire network of twine and posts is covered with vine and flowers.

As far as my husband and his freakout, he realized that he had forgotten to take his anti-depressants for about a week before that happened. He restarted them and apologized. We have something wonderful. It was love at first sight, he asked me to marry him 2 weeks after we met, and got married 6 months later. That was 12 years ago. and we are stilll in love, but have our moments.

Also, I have both the Epstein-barr and depression. I'm trying to answer all your questions, that is why so long.

I have been diagnosed with: Fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, panic disorder with agoraphobia, PTSD, degenerative joint disease in most of my joints, herniated discs in my cervical and lumbar spine, bulging discs in my lumbar spine, spinal degeneration, sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, lyme's disease, epstein-barr, hepatitis C (anti-body, but no viral load) And Social Security Disabilty turned me down. I am in the process of appealing the decision with a lawyer, thank God the company I worked for had private long-term disabilty insurance that is covering me now.

I just keep a strong faith in God, and remember that nothing that I do, or any situation that I deal with, is not my strength, it all comes from God. As long as your persevere, keep your faith, and make sure to remember that the credit goes to God, everything will turn out OK in the end. And don't forget to Thank God for the blessings in your life and also when the bad times turn around.

Laurie

[8years]

NAMOMMY do you take any meds for your depression? I noticed that you said you had fibrmyalgia, is that correct ?

[hauntedbyjmb]

Hang in there!

[hauntedbyjmb]

Thanks for the info, you inspire me! Have a great weekend!