I think I have some sort of mental disorder

[AMEC04]

This may end up a long post. Ive been reading up on bipolar and other mental disorders and I cant seem to get a grasp on them. I dont really know where to start so Im just going to write some things about myself and some symptoms I believe I have...

I am 29 years old and single. I grew up in a good christian home and I consider myself a christian to this day. I believe in god and the bible and was active in church until I turned 18, since I rarely attend. I have two loving parents and 3 younger brothers who love me. I was drug/alcohol free but I began using pot/alcohol at 19 and still use pot to this day. I dont drink or do any other drugs any more and havent for 3 years+. At 20 I heavily used extasy for about a year or so then graduated to cocaine and presciption pills for the next year or two. Then I got into the heroin and struggled with that for 3 years and eventually gave up on college. After kicking that habit for good 3 or so years ago I just got a regular job and have been working it ever since.

Some of my symptoms that concern me...

1. My temper (anger issues)- I am very very very moody. I get frustrated easily and when I do it seems every single solitairy thing in my life goes wrong no matter how small. Like the other day at work my machine wasnt running right and I was getting very mad. Then I bend over to pick up a tool and I missed it with my first snag. This just set me off and I picked up the hammer and threw it against the wall. I must note that Ive never harmed anyone or myself. But after I throw the hammer, I was completely back to normal, not mad at all. Then a few minutes later something else happened and my blood just started to boil. My mood is very very very swingy. Afterwards I feel embarassed for my behavior but when the situation comes up again it seems I get mad and throw/smash something out of impulse.

It seems my temper goes in cycles and I just noticed this recently. Ill be fine for a month or two and then Ill go through a week or two stretch where I just snap at every little thing that goes wrong. I smash things a lot. I basically destroyed my parents basement before I bought my own house two months ago.

2. I dont really have anyone in my life that I am close with. My whole life I have found it extremely difficult to express my true feelings to anyone. This drives my parents crazy bc they care about me so much and they want to help me so much but for whatever reason I cant open up to them or anyon eelse for that matter.

3. I make a lot of lists/plans for my life, but I never follow through with them ever, ever, ever. I say I will start excersing but I never do. I say I will start eating better but I never do. I play poker as my main hobby and Ive made a good amount of money playing over the last 7 years but for whatever reason I tend to blow all my winnings in a short period of time. I know I am doing it at the time but I just cant stop for whatever reason.

4. I have always been terrible with money. I cant save money or manage my money at all. I just seem to spend whatever I have and I dont think anything of it until my bills come up and I cant pay them (I always find a way to pay them but it is really stressful). Recently since purchasing a home, I have gotten better with this but I worry about falling back into my old ways.

5. it seems that I am always telling people what I think they want to hear instead of my true feelings.

6. I am alone a lot. I feel very uncomfortable around a lot of people I dont know. Ive kind of always been this way. I just dont like meeting new people, I feel uncomfortable around them and have a hard time conversating wit them, even with old friends I grew up with that maybe I havent seen in a few years.

7. I think I suffer from deperession, my parents have told me this, btu I just dont know what depression feels like so I dont know.

8. I often have many thoughts and ideas run thru my head at times and I end up not following thru with any of them.

9. Alot of times I feel overwhelmed even if the tasks at hands arent that big.

10. I am very self conscious.

11. I am definately emotionally unstable.

12. I find it hard to concentrate on one thing for a significant portion of time.

I dont know if any of this even makes sense. I know I need to see a doctor but any insite here would be greatly appreciated. My life isnt falling apart or anything, but I something just isnt right and Ive felt this way since I was a kid. I just feel that something is wrong with me. Maybe it is depression or maybe its a personality disorder or some sort of bi polar disease.

thanks for any responses

[nandm]

Hi.

You might find it useful to read through this thread and see if there is anything there you can identify with. Although we are not qualified to make diagnosis I think that you will find much there that describes what you did. That might help you when you go speak with your doctor who is qualified to diagnose and treat any conditions you may have. Please keep us posted and let us know how it goes. Here is the link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lar-facts.html (Interesting Bi-polar facts)

[Zencat]

At one point of my recovery I was refereed to a very skilled therapist. After a few months of working with me and with my issues, she suggested that I see a psychiatrist. I did and continued to work with both.

[sct]

My suggestion is to not self-diagnose. Leave that to the professionals... it's easy to make up symptoms that fit whatever you think you might be. A therapist that works with you regularly though, will be able to tease out concrete patterns vs. reactions to things going on in your life that you're responding too.

It's also not generally advised that a diagnosis be put in place when someone is newly recovering from addiction, within the first six months, or year or so. I had a diagnosis list as long as my arm about a year before I got clean, and it was cut in half, after I had about six-seven months clean. (The list, not my arm. ) If you're new to recovery- maybe still see someone, but realize that things may change.

Depending on environmental factors and several other bullet points, you may qualify for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder- one of the diagnostic criteria for which is substance abuse/ impulsive or reckless behavior. Addicts have a head start on that one, but if you find a therapist you feel comfortable with, it might be something to bring up if you think a pervasive pattern exists.

It is a very important distinction to make, between borderline and bipolar. Bipolar, some of the time is treatable with medications. Borderline on its own, doesn't always respond as well, or in the same ways to medications, and I think the treatments are quite different.

[martha27]

Good luck to you AMEC04, reaching out and trying to find answers is great step towards finding a path out of the maze you are in, but you need a doctor that you trust and that can diagnose you and help your particular situation, don't be scared, the answers will be a relief, you will finlly have a plan and a guide out of the maze and support here. Good luck!!

[Isaiah]

A lot of people experience the symptoms of mental illnesses to some degree. You are only truly ill if your problems cause disruption in your ability to live and interact. Even if it's not related to a psychiatric condition, you still might benefit from some counseling for whatever it is that's causing you distress.

[ClayTheScribe]

Originally Posted by AMEC04

This may end up a long post. Ive been reading up on bipolar and other mental disorders and I cant seem to get a grasp on them. I dont really know where to start so Im just going to write some things about myself and some symptoms I believe I have...

I am 29 years old and single. I grew up in a good christian home and I consider myself a christian to this day. I believe in god and the bible and was active in church until I turned 18, since I rarely attend. I have two loving parents and 3 younger brothers who love me. I was drug/alcohol free but I began using pot/alcohol at 19 and still use pot to this day. I dont drink or do any other drugs any more and havent for 3 years+. At 20 I heavily used extasy for about a year or so then graduated to cocaine and presciption pills for the next year or two. Then I got into the heroin and struggled with that for 3 years and eventually gave up on college. After kicking that habit for good 3 or so years ago I just got a regular job and have been working it ever since.

Some of my symptoms that concern me...

1. My temper (anger issues)- I am very very very moody. I get frustrated easily and when I do it seems every single solitairy thing in my life goes wrong no matter how small. Like the other day at work my machine wasnt running right and I was getting very mad. Then I bend over to pick up a tool and I missed it with my first snag. This just set me off and I picked up the hammer and threw it against the wall. I must note that Ive never harmed anyone or myself. But after I throw the hammer, I was completely back to normal, not mad at all. Then a few minutes later something else happened and my blood just started to boil. My mood is very very very swingy. Afterwards I feel embarassed for my behavior but when the situation comes up again it seems I get mad and throw/smash something out of impulse.

It seems my temper goes in cycles and I just noticed this recently. Ill be fine for a month or two and then Ill go through a week or two stretch where I just snap at every little thing that goes wrong. I smash things a lot. I basically destroyed my parents basement before I bought my own house two months ago.

2. I dont really have anyone in my life that I am close with. My whole life I have found it extremely difficult to express my true feelings to anyone. This drives my parents crazy bc they care about me so much and they want to help me so much but for whatever reason I cant open up to them or anyon eelse for that matter.

3. I make a lot of lists/plans for my life, but I never follow through with them ever, ever, ever. I say I will start excersing but I never do. I say I will start eating better but I never do. I play poker as my main hobby and Ive made a good amount of money playing over the last 7 years but for whatever reason I tend to blow all my winnings in a short period of time. I know I am doing it at the time but I just cant stop for whatever reason.

4. I have always been terrible with money. I cant save money or manage my money at all. I just seem to spend whatever I have and I dont think anything of it until my bills come up and I cant pay them (I always find a way to pay them but it is really stressful). Recently since purchasing a home, I have gotten better with this but I worry about falling back into my old ways.

5. it seems that I am always telling people what I think they want to hear instead of my true feelings.

6. I am alone a lot. I feel very uncomfortable around a lot of people I dont know. Ive kind of always been this way. I just dont like meeting new people, I feel uncomfortable around them and have a hard time conversating wit them, even with old friends I grew up with that maybe I havent seen in a few years.

7. I think I suffer from deperession, my parents have told me this, btu I just dont know what depression feels like so I dont know.

8. I often have many thoughts and ideas run thru my head at times and I end up not following thru with any of them.

9. Alot of times I feel overwhelmed even if the tasks at hands arent that big.

10. I am very self conscious.

11. I am definately emotionally unstable.

12. I find it hard to concentrate on one thing for a significant portion of time.

I dont know if any of this even makes sense. I know I need to see a doctor but any insite here would be greatly appreciated. My life isnt falling apart or anything, but I something just isnt right and Ive felt this way since I was a kid. I just feel that something is wrong with me. Maybe it is depression or maybe its a personality disorder or some sort of bi polar disease.

thanks for any responses

Wow you've been through quite a lot! Based on what you've told me it definitely sounds like you are bipolar, or at the very least you definitely have a mood disorder. I agree with sct that you need to leave the diagnosing up to a psychiatrist, and you need to see one as soon as possible so they can begin treatment. He or she will probably put you on a mood stabilizer which should immediately help with your mood swings. I also would recommend you see a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy--which are most therapists these days--so you can get tools to handle your mood swings, but getting on meds is more important. You may also ask to get on Adderall or Ritalin or ProVigil to help you concentrate.

Being self-conscious goes with mental illness, don't feel bad about it. Most people are self-conscious to an extent. You just need treatment for your disorder to help you feel more open and close to people. It's important you open up to your family, whether you want to or not, because they're there for you and want to help you. Don't make the same mistake I made and keep it all in until I almost killed myself. Then they'll be doubly hurt. Not suggesting it'll come to that with you, but if mood disorders go untreated, they can spiral out into that territory.

I'm terrible with money too. Part of bi-polar disorder is impulsivity and the inability to keep money saved up. Work with your parents and or a friend on building a budget and sticking to it.

That's about all the insight I can offer. What's most important now is that you find a psychiatrist near you and set up an appointment. He or she can then recommend a good therapist for you to see.

Good luck and take care,

Clayton

[hauntedbyjmb]

Thanks for sharing. Please consider seeing a Mental Health Professional and look into NA.
Was there Alcohol in your home in your childhood? Good Luck

[Faerie]

Hi,

I have borderline personality disorder. I also suffer from severe depression, anxiety and a codeine addiction.

My doctor told me I had a personality disorder, gave me a website [I wish I had it to give it to you but I've lost it] where you take a quiz and it tells you what disorder you have.

He told me to take the quiz, come back and see him in 2 days and see if what I came up with was what he had diagnosed me with.

It was BPD. Both the doctor and I agreed.

Make an appointment to see a doctor or psychologist asap. You could maybe google personality disorders and see if you can find a quiz so you can tell the professional what you think the problem is. Be prepared that you could be wrong though.

Fortunately for me and others with BPD it does respond to treatment. I joined a group for people with BPD where we were taught Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.[DBT]

I learned how to cope with the angry episodes, the sad episodes, the issues with relating to people and over time my BPD has gotten better.

I don't know what disorder you have but think it's great you are looking for answers.

Once you find out what it is and how to deal with it you will feel so much better.

Trust me, I've been there.

Much love,

[discontentmiser]

I'm not sure where you're from,

but where I live there's a mental health crisis line (to phone)
In may I just had had enough
I just went into emerg. then talked to the person they brought me to, and eventually
signed myself into the psych assessment ward.

if you have something like that near you, I'd recommend using it.