Looking for advice . . .

[JMFburns]

I usually post in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum, but I thought maybe I'd branch out for a bit more input/advice.

My 28 yr old son was an opiate addict. He is currently sober. He is homeless, staying in a shelter and jobless (he hasn't held a job for any length of time in about 3 years.) Yep, you guessed it, I've been trying my darndest to cover him financially - not very well . . . he has state funded medical coverage, food assistance ($170 a month) and says he was just approved for cash assistance ($203 a month.) He went through one out patient treatment program for drug addiction about 2 years ago, seemed to thrive during that time. He does not attend any 12 step meetings. The county doctor has prescribed him Effexor. He says he needs "help" but has a whole list of things that won't help him or things he can't do.

How much should I be involved? Is he incapable of finding and getting the help he needs? Are there any folks here who have struggled with homelessness, ADD, OCD, general anxiety, low self esteem, prior drug addiction, etc. that have gone out and found the help they needed and are living 'normal' lives on their own??? Or did you need a friend or loved one to help you through the process? Someone to be your advocate?

He comes to me most every day for money. I am not able at this time to say no, so decided yesterday (with the help of my therapist) that I would not meet w/him alone anymore. I have a few coworkers that are willing to "help" me with this. Am I giving up on him? I think by my meeting w/him (and probably giving him money) he sees that as I still love him.

I know I may get ALOT of stern words from some folks. But please keep in mind I am struggling to the best of my ability to move forward. It is taking me longer than I'd like, but with the help of SR, NarAnon, AlAnon and a therapist I hope to make some progress. I just need help, help, help.

Thanks, Joan

[Astro]

Joan, I'm sure someone will come along with some experience in this area, and I'm hoping it will be with compassion rather than "stern words".

You mentioned that your son is getting food assistance, cash assistance, shelter, and medical coverage, yet he comes to you almost every day for money? I know you're trying to be helpful, and I think it's great to reach out and help someone, but that's assuming that they're willing to help themselves too. For the time being, I think it's a good idea that you not meet with him alone.

There's a difference between loving and caring for someone, and enabling them. If we don't take care of ourselves and our interests first, we're not capable of assisting those we love in a healthy manner.

The way I see it, you are making progress by posting here and using your support systems. Be gentle on yourself, recovery can be a long process, rest assured that you're moving forward.

[Freedom1990]

There are other resources out there to help him. I went to Vocational Rehabilitation through Social Services for help in deciding where I wanted to go with my life since I could no longer work jobs on my feet all day. They purchased a new computer for me (my very old computer was hit by lightning last summer), and I'm enrolled full-time in college for an associate's degree, all online. They also pay for any college expenses my Pell grants don't cover.

All states have HUD programs as far as I know that will pay most if not all of your rent if you qualify (low income). Social Services should be able to provide that information to him.

I can tell you his self-esteem issues are not going to resolve with you handing money out to him.

My parents currently help me financially while I'm in college, and although I appreciate it with all my heart, it also makes me feel bad, and I can't wait to graduate and get into the field I am studying for so I can be self-sufficient again.

It's hard to take the emotions out of it when you are dealing with your own adult child, but that's where I got myself into all kinds of trouble with my AD when I was coming from an emotional standpoint.

[JMFburns]

Freedom - the resources you mentioned are the same things I mention to my son. When I look online it seems there are programs available, I know times are extremely hard now and the number of people trying to tap into the resources is probably huge - so I imagine it is frustrating for them.

My sons response is "I try all the places people suggest but . . ." Couldn't he try places he thinks of, or while at the library (watching his episodes of Hero) couldn't he do some research???

So I guess my question is do I still keep suggesting or just give it up?

I know the answer but it is hard to see the "guard desk" number come up on my phone at work (he's calling from the lobby) and not answer. My heart starts to pound and it's hard to breathe. Yet at the same time I think what the heck, I told you yesterday the $50 I gave him was "good bye" money and that I would never meet w/him alone. Doesn't he hear me. I have no credibility with him, I've stated my boundaries and walked right through them every single flippin' day. It has to start somewhere huh? The question I keep asking people is how long will it take . . . how many days will he keep asking and if I keep saying "no" before he will believe me? Yuck, don't answer - I spent 28 years being uncredible . . .

[Zencat]

Originally Posted by JMFburns

Someone to be your advocate?

When I returned to duel treatment a few years ago I was fortunate enough to find a non-profit organization that helped those with a mental illness. They offered a case worker to manage my care. That included the case worker being an advocate. The organization also provided housing and helped me get social services aid to pay for my rent (General Relief) and food (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program).

There may be some organization like the one I found close enough to be of service for your son.

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by JMFburns

My sons response is "I try all the places people suggest but . . ." Couldn't he try places he thinks of, or while at the library (watching his episodes of Hero) couldn't he do some research???

So I guess my question is do I still keep suggesting or just give it up? . . .

As long as you're handing out money, he has no incentive to do these things on his own. He knows he can get money out of you.

Trust me, I know how hard it is to say no, but until you do, and stand firm in your resolve, nothing will change.

If you tell him no 5 times in a row, but cave in on the 6th time, your boundaries are null and void. He plays you like a fiddle.

He's heard your suggestions. He doesn't care to pursue them. No need to keep repeating them to him.

[joedris]

By continuing to give him money, you're just enabling him to continue his chosen lifestyle. I think it's time for some tough love here. You have to cut him loose and make him survive on his own. I know how hard this will be, but you'll be doing both of you a service here. If your son sees the light and starts to solve his own problems, the that'll be great. If he doesn't, then that's unfortunate. You can't make him do anything. But you can stop supporting his poor choices.

[Cleansing]

but what is she enabling. He's sober, right?

Originally Posted by Astro

You mentioned that your son is getting food assistance, cash assistance, shelter, and medical coverage, yet he comes to you almost every day for money? I know you're trying to be helpful, and I think it's great to reach out and help someone, but that's assuming that they're willing to help themselves too. For the time being, I think it's a good idea that you not meet with him alone.

See but this is what's confusing me, because if he's sober like she says, then why need the extra money? I could think of plenty of reasons, sometimes you want to eat out at places that don't take foodstamps. sometimes u need more underwear, sometime you just need things to buy that make you feel good (i.e. a radio, cds, or essentials like shower gels, deodorants). When it comes down to it, that 200 dollars a month doesn't cover much. So if we give him the benefit of the doubt, I can see why he might need more money.


Now, the best thing you can do, from my experience, is just give him some thoughts of encouragement now and then (not too much, i find that when I hear too much from my parents, it enrages me), and if you really want to do more work for him (because he doesn't seem to try hard enough) find him a good mental health clinic that deals with substance abuse. Or find an outpatient substance abuse place, and get a separate therapist/psychiatrist.

Almost all mental health programs or substance abuse programs have some kind of vocational director/counselor. Sounds like it's gonna take time to get back on his feet, but you have to put a little more space between you two for now, so that he can get his act together, and care more about his situation instead of watching Heroes. And even though I said there are reasons for him to need more money, if it sounds weird to you, don't do it.

I think meeting him with a freind is a good idea. never would have thought of that.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by Cleansing

but what is she enabling. He's sober, right?

The way I understood it was that her son needs help, but he's coming to her every day for money. If I had someone to fund my daily necessities, I wouldn't see a reason to persue a job, food, shelter, etc. Not if I'm being given a handout.

[Zencat]

Originally Posted by Astro

The way I understood it was that her son needs help, but he's coming to her every day for money. If I had someone to fund my daily necessities, I wouldn't see a reason to persue a job, food, shelter, etc. Not if I'm being given a handout.

My mom enabled me off and on until I was 40 yrs old. At that time my 3 older sisters did an intervention with her and me. Developing life skills at 40 was tough but necessary to survive. However by that time addiction had already had taken its toll. I eventually ended up on the disabled list because of the brain damage addiction caused .

Even though I'm emotionally at a disadvantage today (still immature at 52 yrs old) I make the best of my situation and I have my family's love for they granted me independence and a local social assistance organization that helped me in my time of need .

[Overman]

I'm surprised he was awarded all the described benefits with a documented history of substance abuse. Which state is it in?

Certain states will not offer cash assistance or medical coverage to those with documented drug/alcohol habits.

And they can forget about SSI/SSDI, as the feds are highly resistant to enabling addictive behavior via disability claims.

[JMFburns]

Overman - I know he receives food assistance, but everything else is just him telling me.

I did speak with a man my son is working with at a social service agency yesterday. He was going to check up on the status of my son getting into a supportive mental health housing - an upper floor of the homeless shelter that has social workers on staff M-F to assist the folks to move forward by setting life goals and working towards them. I mentioned to this man that I was finding the need to distance myself from my son & he seemed to think that was a good idea. He mentioned that even with him, my son wants him to 'do things for him', that my son needs to learn to start doing things for himself. (Dang, I am the worst mother in the world...)

Thank you everyone for your replies - I was looking for experience from others who struggle with mental health difficulties or have family members that do. I really feel like you replied w/genuine concern and a fresh perspective. Thanks.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by JMFburns

I did speak with a man my son is working with at a social service agency yesterday. He was going to check up on the status of my son getting into a supportive mental health housing - an upper floor of the homeless shelter that has social workers on staff M-F to assist the folks to move forward by setting life goals and working towards them. I mentioned to this man that I was finding the need to distance myself from my son & he seemed to think that was a good idea.

That seems like a very positive solution, and maybe a good way for you to gain a little peace of mind.

Originally Posted by JMFburns

Dang, I am the worst mother in the world...

Joan, I struggle so much with feelings of failure, inadequacy, and being "less than" when it comes to being a single parent in recovery. I try to remind myself daily that being a loving and caring person doesn't make me a bad father, I just made some bad choices in the past. Each step forward gives me the opportunity to make better choices. I don't wish to erase the past, but I hope to learn from it and not make the same mistakes.

[tsukiko]

Just my approach, but incase it helps. Firstly, hard as it is inlight of his achievements over his addiction so far, I wouldn't be so willing to financialy support him. Instead, I'd offer my free time to help him get a CV together, look for jobs, address this list or can't or won't do's and if he didn't want that help I'd say 'fine, I'm here if you do want help.'

Getting clean is terrifying, being homeless (even in a shelter) is terrifying and being financially strapped is too, so often an addict will appeal to whoever they think will look after them. Even sober, it is a way of avoiding the recovery process...which involves facing up, not only to being an adict, but the reasons why or ways in which being an addict made it possible to avoid daily tasks and the responsibilities of adulthood.

I'm actually grateful that I didn't have anyone to financially bail me out when I was using or in recovery. It meant I had to book my ideas up fast. My brother, on the other hand, had our mother. He's now 29, living with her, having his laundry done, his food bought for him, his taxs done by her and he has no idea how to live independantly. At the same time, my mother has become so accustomed to doing all of this, although she says she hates it, that the two have become completely codependant. While my mother is addressing her own ED and my brother is clean and tapering off drink, they are only seeminly able to do this by replacing their addictions with a dependancy on each other. It is not condusive to recovery.

When I decided to get clean I too appealed for help. I went to a friend who had long since refused to see me if I was actively using. She never once gave me a penny or bailed me out of my situaion in any way, but she did support me more than any other person or sum of money could have. She refused to listen to me saying what I couldn't do or why I couldn't do things and told me she'd listen only to what i intended on doing, and would go with me to help me achieve these things. SHe came with me to see the doctor, she stood by me throughout the wds and she listened to me explain why things were hard, but would not allow me to complain about my situation unless I was actively trying to better it. I am eternally grateful too her, though at the time I thought she was the cruelest lady on earth.

I'm 21 now. I have a home, a degree, financial stability, a driving licence and from the laundry to a career...I face my fears and get them done.

So, just my thoughts...but when a mate or my brother etc come to me with similar problems (my bro' was homeless, an addict etc too) I tell them straight up: 'I can give you time and support because I love you and I believe in you, but I will never give you money. Do you want help?'

It breaks my heart to do it, but through doing it I am not just trying to help them to help themselves, I am strengthening my own character and resisting my own impulsises and desires to save them from their problems.

Best of luck to you, your son and your family.