Why Am I Still Depressed?

[Cleansing]

I used quite a bit this weekend. Like two bottles of DXM on Friday. Marijuana and DXM on Saturday, and another two bottles o DXM on Sudnay.

So now Im on day 5 of sobriety, and it usually doesn't take more than three days for my depression to go away.

I was on 20mg of Lexapro for a few months. It helped now and then, but since i kept relapsing i was still getting depressed.

Now im on 20mg of lexapro, plus 150 wellbutrin XL, Campral, Lithium 900 mg, Gedon 60mg, and 5mg of Valium twice a day.

I can't imgaine having a medication adjustment, but i still feel depressed? Any ideas why. I haven't been doing therapy pretty much, just group therapy.






By the way, will 20 5mg valiums and a bunch of alcohol kill me?

[mikefreak]

I'm surprised you feel much of ANYTHING. You are OVER-MEDICATED, BRO. -Legal & otherwise

[mikefreak]

Took you seriously until I saw the last line-your'e a waste of time

[Cleansing]

Originally Posted by crzylilmndfreak

are you freakin kidding me?? why dont you go test it and find out

maybe tomorrow. I don't feel like going through a hospital visit in case it doesn't. Not today.


How are you doing? Still mess with DXM?

EDIT
I just got your message. i guess you stopped. Im just not feeling good at all, and I don't remember a time when i was on day 5 and i still felt depressed. I had the depression before I used though. im gonna stay clean for now and see how the depression shapes up, but the whole valium alcohol thing was just a thought i was having. I won't go through with it today. But who knows if i still feel like sh!t, im not sure what I'll do. But I really shouldn't be talking like that, i really need to focus on today. one day at a time.

[Rowan]

Hey Cleansing you hang in there - get to a hospital if you feel suicidal or call 911. Help is available. I understand addiction and depression - long-term history of both. Recovery is possible, no matter what.
Keep us in the loop and let us know how you are doing. PM me anytime if you see me online and wanna go into chat.

[crzylilmndfreak]

Originally Posted by Cleansing

maybe tomorrow. I don't feel like going through a hospital visit in case it doesn't. Not today.


How are you doing? Still mess with DXM?

EDIT
I just got your message. i guess you stopped. Im just not feeling good at all, and I don't remember a time when i was on day 5 and i still felt depressed. I had the depression before I used though. im gonna stay clean for now and see how the depression shapes up, but the whole valium alcohol thing was just a thought i was having. I won't go through with it today. But who knows if i still feel like sh!t, im not sure what I'll do. But I really shouldn't be talking like that, i really need to focus on today. one day at a time.

yes, i did stop the DXM after numerous horrible experiences between that, alcohol, and anything else i could get my hands on...really, if you are on all that medication, you should not mix it with anything, not that i should be the one to talk, i mixed my meds with all my addictions as well, but hang in there

[Bamboozle]

What Rowan said. Please go to the hospital or call 911 if you are suicidal.

[Astro]

Cleansing, please get some help. Lots of people praying for you here, keep us posted and keep checking in.

[Cleansing]

I just feeling down now. No plans to hurt myself anymore. But im definitely sad and feeling pissed off that im depressed.
Im on day 5 with my sobriety, and Im wodnering if it's suppossed to feel this bad days later? I usually feel betetr after the third day.

[Astro]

It takes awhile, and putting the bottle away doesn't mean that everything else gets better immediately. There's still a lot of work to do on yourself. Have you tried any meetings like group support or AA?

[Cleansing]

Originally Posted by Astro

It takes awhile, and putting the bottle away doesn't mean that everything else gets better immediately. There's still a lot of work to do on yourself. Have you tried any meetings like group support or AA?

I used to go to NA from 2007-2009, but I found myself still using. I just don't like the length of the meetings or the sharing part. It gets boring. i used to pop pills during meetings, so Im doing a little better nowadays. But I just used all weekend, so I really don't know what will work.

I'm currently in a MICA program, and we have one group therapy. session a day. That doesn't help too much. I've been able to stay clean for about two weeks, then i slip up. That's my pattern. I want to get into a program that has like 3 groups per day, that way Im busy from 9-2pm or whatever.


But as for today. i've been doing real good staying sober. It's just this depression is real rough, and it had me thinking weird and dark thoughts. Like i want to die in my sleep, or maybe do the bottle of Valium and drink with it see what that does. I won't do it of course, but that's just what's been going through my head.

[least]

If you take a bottle of Valium and alcohol too the worst that might happen could be that you WOULDN'T die. You could just end up a vegetable for life. Had you considered that possibility?? Tranks and alcohol can be a deadly combination, and death isn't the worst possible outcome. Please call a suicide hotline. Posts like yours trigger me big time and I don't need any more triggers today. Get the help you need, and you won't find it in a pharmacy vial or a bottle of booze.

[Cleansing]

Well im sorry for being a trigger. I've talked to the people in the chatrooms and a lot of them have been where Im at. I just don't have anyone to talk to. There is only ONE person in my life who i can talk to about this stuff, and I needed more feedback, so i came online. It's all real, and it's all what I've been going through.
I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF though. Im just really depressed. And Im not going to call a hotline or call 911. Im not gonna be locked away just for feeling low.

[least]

Sorry Cleansing, I was really worried about you, asking if valium and booze would kill you... How am I supposed to take that?? And just calling a hotline wouldn't necessarily put you in a hospital for 'feeling low', but might just be the relief you need. If you've been using a lot maybe that's why you feel so low. When I was drinking I always felt low. I really hope you find the help you need.

[mle-sober]

Cleansing,

Feeling better comes from making a serious and fierce committment to sobriety and recovery. It doesn't come from a magic combo of pills or from 5 days of not using. It sounds like you kind of expect to take your meds and stop drinking and ..... hey?!..... why don't I feel better?

It took me 1 full year of very hard work. Work here. Work in one on one therapy. Work in my group therapy (aftercare from my oupatient program). Work with my AA sponsor. Working the steps. Going to meeetings. Reading every little thing I could find about Bipolar and about ALcoholism. When I felt like using, falling to my knees in prayer and working with God. Calling people I didn't feel comfortable calling. Three visits to the pyshciatic hosptial and working hard there with med changes.

In other words, NOTHING was off the table in order to recover. Except booze and drugs. And self abuse. Everything else - it got all of me.

Stop thinking that true, lasting, feel-good recovery happens in 5 days of not using. It doesn't happpen TO you. You have to go a chase it down and wrestle it to the ground and lick it until it says monkey. You can do it! Stop using for God's sake.

[Cleansing]

It's about 10:30pm EST. I don't have any thoughts of harming myself. I made it through the day without taking any drugs or having a drink. and I didn't harm myself in anyway. Thank you very much for your concerns, advice, and support. I couldn't talk to too many people about this stuff, so I had to use the forum and just spill out what was on my mind at the moment.

I know it's going to take a lot of hard work. I have a therapist, I have group therapy to go to, and I have a psychiatrist. I think i need to speak up more though in grouop therapy, and maybe get a little more honest in my individual therapy.

[mle-sober]

Get 100% honest in therapy.

Good job for not using or harming yourself.

Good job for today!!

[Rowan]

I'm really glad to hear you got through the day without using or hurting yourself.

Really glad.

[Nina Kay]

Hello Cleansing. I just read all of this thread and am wondering how you are doing today?

[nandm]

Cleansing, just checking to see how you are doing. Please give us an update when you can.

[Cleansing]

Ok, I felt pretty good yestedayduring the day. No thoughts of hurting myself, and no use of any sort. I spent the day with my best friend; we went out to eat, and walked to some stores. Nothing special, but it was good. Sort of fun.
I noticed though that once I returned home, I was feeling down again, so I fell asleep early (around 6:30pm) just because I had enough of that depressed feeling and i felt it coming on again. So all in all, I think I did ver well yeterday.

Today I have band practice, but im thinking of quitting the band. It's boring to me, and I'm not feeling the music. I also don't want to see the band members, they're good people, but Im limiting the amount of friends I open up to, and i don't want to tell them anything about the depression. The thing about quitting the group though is that I know I'll want to play again once i feel better. Maybe I should ask for a break.

[Cleansing]

Originally Posted by mikefreak

I'm surprised you feel much of ANYTHING. You are OVER-MEDICATED, BRO. -Legal & otherwise

None of those meds have a numbing or sedative quality except Valium. They claim the amount of Geodon and Lithium i take cause soem drowsiness, but it doesn't affect me in that way. And the Valium doesn't dope me up either. Im on a pretty good slection of meds, and Im feeling good today so far. I'm gonna go for a jog, and then plan out my day. I hope it works out okay.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by Cleansing

Today I have band practice, but im thinking of quitting the band. It's boring to me, and I'm not feeling the music. I also don't want to see the band members, they're good people, but Im limiting the amount of friends I open up to, and i don't want to tell them anything about the depression. The thing about quitting the group though is that I know I'll want to play again once i feel better. Maybe I should ask for a break.

You could take a break.

I know the people around me, without me telling them, know that something is up with me. I can't hide it very well at this point. Perhaps your band mates know that something is up and they might understand.

Good to hear you felt better yesterday and you are getting some exercise. Sometimes going for walks helps me.