Do you find that other people's moods whom you are close to, affect you?

[Sweets79]

I seem to have a problem with this...I notice if someone I am close too, i.e. my mother is in a bad mood for the day and sends out negativity, I tend to feel worse...I'm in no way saying other people should affect your sobriety or your own mood, but I find this happening with me alot...I guess its about surrounding yourself with positive people...I know everyone gets in a bad mood once in awhile..but I just wish my mother would be more supportive...I know she's miserable in her own life with my father, (who's an alcoholic) but sometimes hearing the dread in her voice is such a downer, she has so many problems, and I feel so bad because there is nothing I can do about it...Don't get me wrong she has helped me through everything, and she is the most beautifulperson I know...and I am VERY grateful to her, she has been a wonderful mother to me is still is..but, she is very Co-dependant and I know some of that has passed down to me...I know I have my bad moods ALOT...especially since trying to stay sober...but I just feel worse when I talk to her sometimes...I'm very grateful to SR..Thank you all again for the support.

[Freedom1990]

Yes, I struggled with that for years into my recovery. My parents can be pretty toxic at times.

I've eventually come to the point where I can detach and not pick up someone else's moods. With my parents, we occasionally get together for a movie and eats, then everyone goes their separate ways, so it's a nice time and no negativity.

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by Freedom1990

Yes, I struggled with that for years into my recovery. My parents can be pretty toxic at times.

I've eventually come to the point where I can detach and not pick up someone else's moods. With my parents, we occasionally get together for a movie and eats, then everyone goes their separate ways, so it's a nice time and no negativity.

Yes my parents can be VERY toxic...Whenever I'm feeling down, my father will say..."Have a drink, you'll feel better"...and it's so sad to say , but he would sometimes joke and say..."My daughter's just like her her father, an alcoholic" and laugh...One night when something in my personal life was going on...I had called my mother on the phone, and she had never drank in her life...she just started a little bit on and off the past few years...but she doesn't have a need for it, if she doesn't drink she doesn't care...But that night she had a few drinks and was arguing with my father...they were arguing when I was on the phone, and I couldn't listen to it...they sounded ridiculous...They are in a loveless marriage and my mother was sounding jealous...my father was laughing about it, and he was drunk...I was getting freakin nauseaus...so I know I don't have a huge support system there... The most my mother has said to me about it is... "You need to stop drinking", yeah like that's enough to get an alcoholic to stop...I also think being in this environment always made me feel like wanting an escape...drinking and picking the wrong men, who I felt might rescue me and then getting terribly hurt...ya know the real charmers/ con artist types, who make you feel great, but in reality it's all about them...although I have an ex bf who is still friends with me, he was really the only sincere guy I think I have met... but I digress...I feel to my parents it's kind of like if I don't drink anymore I don't, if I do, I do.

[Sweets79]

Sorry don't know why this posted twice =/

[Freedom1990]

My suggestion would be to limit your contact with your parents. I have had to literally go no contact with my parents at times because they get all caught up in my AD's crap and then try to dump on me.

Also, if my mother starts launching into a diatribe over the phone on negative stuff, I cut the conversation short and hang up!

[Sweets79]

[QUOTE=Freedom1990;2219561]My suggestion would be to limit your contact with your parents. I have had to literally go no contact with my parents at times because they get all caught up in my AD's crap and then try to dump on me.

Also, if my mother starts launching into a diatribe over the phone on negative stuff, I cut the conversation short and hang up![/QUOTE]

It's funny you say that, my mother sounded horrible today, I told her I'd talk to her later, then she sounds annoyed that I say that, ugh...I'm trying to just not have a drink, I can't deal with any negativity right now ya know...

[crzylilmndfreak]

i understand your situation, and that is terrible that they dont support you, esp. your dad, saying "just have a drink," that is just not ok ,if they know you are you trying to quit I agree with Freedom, as hard as it may be, maybe you should cut back on talking/seeing them for a bit, at least until you get sober or stronger within yourself

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by crzylilmndfreak

i understand your situation, and that is terrible that they dont support you, esp. your dad, saying "just have a drink," that is just not ok ,if they know you are you trying to quit I agree with Freedom, as hard as it may be, maybe you should cut back on talking/seeing them for a bit, at least until you get sober or stronger within yourself

Well, I hardly talk to my father, very rarely...My mom I'm very close with..when she sounds like that, I just get off the phone..I do wish I had some more support around me where I live, but SR has really helped me not pick up a drink...It's amazing, how sometimes people you don't even know, can inspire and support you more than family and/or people you've known for years.

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by Sweets79

Well, I hardly talk to my father, very rarely...My mom I'm very close with..when she sounds like that, I just get off the phone..I do wish I had some more support around me where I live, but SR has really helped me not pick up a drink...It's amazing, how sometimes people you don't even know, can inspire and support you more than family and/or people you've known for years.

Honestly, I don't count on any support from either of my parents when it comes to my recovery. My mom does send me a card every year on my sobriety anniversary, but that's it.

My biggest source of support is from my fellow members of AA. They have stuck with me through some really tough times over the years!

[bella162]

Hi, you could have been talking about the relationship i had with my mother when you posted that. I was so prone to picking up on other peoples moods and negitivity, especially my mums, that i spent my life lurching from one persons crisis to another and being very affected.. Your typical codie i suppose untill two things happened. I read a book called the Celestine Prophecies and began seeing everything in terms of energy exchanges and more recently i began to take personal responsibility for how i was making myself feel. Now, if my mum, (God bless her, she's a bit of a codie and it wouldn't cross her mind to share her feelings as she doesn't really do them, she much preferes the concept of mind reading) Now if she has a bit of a face on her, and i can start to feel myself getting affected, i remember the Celestine Prophecy and I think about my energy levels being 'stolen' by someone elses drama and i mentaly visualise a protective shield round me, and I firmly decide to take back my energy ( or personal power ) which my mother ( god bless her ) has tried to steal. I verbalise my thoughts out loud, stating the facts of the reality as I- percieve it- to make them concrete.. something like. "My energy is being stolen I am taking responsibility for allowing that am returning it to myself". I visualise a personal boundry, and mums energy is not allowed to cross it and steel mine and I have a conversation with myself about why I decided at that point to allow myself to be affected by someone elses mood and also why i allowed them to steal my power like this. I take on full responsibillity for it. It's not my mothers fault, it is my fault for allowing it.. Once I take on the responsibility for that, i am back in control of my life, coz you cannot be in control of your life and destiny if someone else has all your personal power. Then, i do something very nice for my mum, I trust that she can deal with her own crap. It's her crap, whatever it is, it's not mine, I have no right to take on her crap.. well, it's like steeling isn't it?. I have no power over her to make her change but i have plenty of power over me, coz i've just regained it. WHOOPIE! I can now change how I think and feel.. and guess what, and so can you. isn't that just beautiful!.. just to be able to let it go, just like that! Poof!! gone !!.....

Well, it works for me, not always mind you, sometimes you have to have a bit of a downer of a day yourself in order to really appreciate the good times, but a lot of the times it works enough to stop me wanting to physically strangling her ( bless her, i do love her, i just refuse to be undermined by her co - dependant whotnots any more. )... Anyhow, Give it a go but remember, it's like any other skill you need to learn, it takes practice but you will be able to do it believe me, after all you have become skilled at picking up negativity because you've practicied, practiced and practiced so equally, theres nothing stoping you becoming skilled at deflecting negativity either.. :-)

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by bella162

Hi, you could have been talking about the relationship i had with my mother when you posted that. I was so prone to picking up on other peoples moods and negitivity, especially my mums, that i spent my life lurching from one persons crisis to another and being very affected.. Your typical codie i suppose untill two things happened. I read a book called the Celestine Prophecies and began seeing everything in terms of energy exchanges and more recently i began to take personal responsibility for how i was making myself feel. Now, if my mum, (God bless her, she's a bit of a codie and it wouldn't cross her mind to share her feelings as she doesn't really do them, she much preferes the concept of mind reading) Now if she has a bit of a face on her, and i can start to feel myself getting affected, i remember the Celestine Prophecy and I think about my energy levels being 'stolen' by someone elses drama and i mentaly visualise a protective shield round me, and I firmly decide to take back my energy ( or personal power ) which my mother ( god bless her ) has tried to steal. I verbalise my thoughts out loud, stating the facts of the reality as I- percieve it- to make them concrete.. something like. "My energy is being stolen I am taking responsibility for allowing that am returning it to myself". I visualise a personal boundry, and mums energy is not allowed to cross it and steel mine and I have a conversation with myself about why I decided at that point to allow myself to be affected by someone elses mood and also why i allowed them to steal my power like this. I take on full responsibillity for it. It's not my mothers fault, it is my fault for allowing it.. Once I take on the responsibility for that, i am back in control of my life, coz you cannot be in control of your life and destiny if someone else has all your personal power. Then, i do something very nice for my mum, I trust that she can deal with her own crap. It's her crap, whatever it is, it's not mine, I have no right to take on her crap.. well, it's like steeling isn't it?. I have no power over her to make her change but i have plenty of power over me, coz i've just regained it. WHOOPIE! I can now change how I think and feel.. and guess what, and so can you. isn't that just beautiful!.. just to be able to let it go, just like that! Poof!! gone !!.....

Well, it works for me, not always mind you, sometimes you have to have a bit of a downer of a day yourself in order to really appreciate the good times, but a lot of the times it works enough to stop me wanting to physically strangling her ( bless her, i do love her, i just refuse to be undermined by her co - dependant whotnots any more. )... Anyhow, Give it a go but remember, it's like any other skill you need to learn, it takes practice but you will be able to do it believe me, after all you have become skilled at picking up negativity because you've practicied, practiced and practiced so equally, theres nothing stoping you becoming skilled at deflecting negativity either.. :-)

Hey bella,

Thanks for this post. It happened again tonight. Same story going on for so long. Father's drunk, yelling at her about taking a loan, because they are in debt, and yada yada yada. She sounds like she's about to cry and it kills me. I had to get off the phone. I'm too fragile right now. I only have 5 weeks sober, so I am still teetering. I always worry about her, and I feel so bad, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I wish I didn't let her mood affect me so much. I have to work on this.

[evmdimples]

Hi Sweets, i know from personal experience how difficult it is to struggle with mom issues while in a fragile state and early in recovery. Do you have a CoDA group where you live? While AA deals with the alcohol, CoDA deals with the people issues. Taking on other peoples emotions is a common trait of a codependent. Life becomes infinitely simpler when we learn how to stop allowing other people's stuff affect our serenity, i.e. learning to take care of our side of the street and allowing others the same freedom. There's a CoDA forum online I participate in; PM me if you'd like more info.

Hang tight, and remember to keep the focus on you and doing what's best for you!


(ps: I also found the Celestine Prophecy to be a good read with interesting concepts!)

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by evmdimples

Hi Sweets, i know from personal experience how difficult it is to struggle with mom issues while in a fragile state and early in recovery. Do you have a CoDA group where you live? While AA deals with the alcohol, CoDA deals with the people issues. Taking on other peoples emotions is a common trait of a codependent. Life becomes infinitely simpler when we learn how to stop allowing other people's stuff affect our serenity, i.e. learning to take care of our side of the street and allowing others the same freedom. There's a CoDA forum online I participate in; PM me if you'd like more info.

Hang tight, and remember to keep the focus on you and doing what's best for you!


(ps: I also found the Celestine Prophecy to be a good read with interesting concepts!)

Hi,

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure if there is a group here, I will have to look into it. It sounds like it might benefit me. Good idea, thanks again . I will pm you.

[joedris]

I can't give you any great advice when dealing with your parents. It's hard to love your family and not be able to deal with their problems. But like you said, Sweets, you're still fragile. You have to concentrate on yourself right now. As time goes by and you become stronger in your sobriety you might be able to deal with your Mom's problems. But right now take care of yourself. Sorry I can't give you answers. All I can offer is support.

[AbsentFriend]

In addition to what the others posted, some people are more naturally empathic, and absorb others' emotions without even thinking about it. Unless you are aware of what is happening, it is easy to have mood swings and depression that has originated entirely outside of yourself.

It takes some time, but you can learn to differentiate between your feelings, and the feelings you are picking up from others.

For tips, do some research on empaths.