Self-Esteem...Constantly comparing yourself to others.

[Sweets79]

As a woman I know I do this ALL the time....I blame certain things on myself for situations not working out...whether it be I didnt look good enough, or I must have said the wrong thing, he met someone better than me, I didn't impress them enough in the interview...e.t.c. I'm constantly finding all these flaws, because I compare myself to other people...When I get dissapointed in a relationship, or rejected in any way, I don't handle it well at all...I think my self-esteem issues have played a big role in my drinking (aside from alot of other things)...Can anyone else relate to this? It might sound selfish or weird, but I feel like I always have be the best in every way...and I know I'm not..there's always going to be someone, prettier, smarter, funnier, richer etc...Has anyone had this problem?, and if so, how have you learned to love yourself and stop putting yourself down and comparing yourself to other people? Thanks for reading

[evmdimples]

Yes, of course, I can relate to all of that! I had to be (or tried to be) the best in everything: the smartest (did really well in school!), the prettiest (won many beauty contests), the most fashionable (been told I look like a model), the one with the best job (at what cost to my sanity?), the best husband(s) (2 divorces). And what did it bring me? A lot of nothing. Today, I realized: all my (crazy!) behaviors are modeled after my mother! I was thinking about my dad today (he passed long ago) and apparently, he had it all together: he knew how to do the self-care thing we all strive to attain in recovery. Meanwhile, mom (who I finally realize has incredible low-self esteem) was running around like a lunatic, trying to make things perfect (in her mind) and of course, that's what I learned! Not the self-care as offered by my dad: time to rest, read, take walks just because, take a drive in the country, or take a nap, or listen to classical music on a sunday afternoon. No, I didn't get any of that. I got: let's keep constantly busy on all this external stuff to occupy our time so we can be the best lest his eye roam. And so here I am, finally figuring out that instead of the frantic activity I learned from mom, I need to engage in the self-care my dad knew about all along. (Meanwhile dad died a long time ago, and in the time since, mom has acknowledged that while she misses him terribly--33 yrs of marriage--she's learned who she really is after he died. How sad is that, instead of being fully who she could've been with him.)
peace,
elena

[OceanBound]

Two exercises I can recommend from what my shrinks taught me. One is to find your favorite childhood picture where you really love that kid! And then look at it every day and say "I love you just the way you are." Sounds very corny but it did work for me. Couldn't do it without crying the first couple of times and then it got better.

Another thing is to surround yourself with reminders of your success. Anything from a picture of you getting your diploma, any award, anything really that is meaningful to you and shows that you've done something you are proud of.

Good luck!

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by OceanBound

Two exercises I can recommend from what my shrinks taught me. One is to find your favorite childhood picture where you really love that kid! And then look at it every day and say "I love you just the way you are." Sounds very corny but it did work for me. Couldn't do it without crying the first couple of times and then it got better.

Wow, what a fantastic idea! I've really struggled with my inner critic this past semester in college, and was really beating on myself hard. I think I shall use this exercise you shared!

[Lenore]

I love that idea, OceanBound, and think I'll probably cry a lot when I try it too. I really want to get over this lack of self-esteem as it not only impacts on how I see myself but on how I see others. I start to think everyone must look at me like I'm horrible, the way I see myself, and it makes me kind of petty and very suspicious of others.

[jamdls]

Originally Posted by OceanBound

Two exercises I can recommend from what my shrinks taught me. One is to find your favorite childhood picture where you really love that kid! And then look at it every day and say "I love you just the way you are." Sounds very corny but it did work for me. Couldn't do it without crying the first couple of times and then it got better.

Another thing is to surround yourself with reminders of your success. Anything from a picture of you getting your diploma, any award, anything really that is meaningful to you and shows that you've done something you are proud of.

Good luck!

I look at childhood pictures of me, what few there are, and I have no memory of that person and feel no connection to her whatsoever if anything she'd make me cry.

[OceanBound]

Another exercise I can suggest is listing at least 3 things that you are proud of every day in a journal. No matter how small. Believe me, in my darkest hours, laundry made the list. More times than I would ever admit. LOL. That one also really helps me.

And yes, jamdls, not everything will work for everybody. I don't believe there is a "one size fits all" approach to recovery be it from alcohol or depression. I actually feel like starting a depression toolbox thread, see maybe some people will have helpful suggestions.

Cheers, everybody!

[Bozo]

Let me introduce you to the People Pleaser of The Century award recipient, me!!!

When I was 5 years sober, I finally decided to stop letting what other people think or say about me bother me. It was liked being released from prison.

Sometimes I slip back into it, but I catch myself, correct myself and always emerge stronger mentally for the awareness.

As far as comparisons, there will always be people above you and people below you, but God created us all equal. End of story.

[Cleansing]

I don't feel it all the time, but I know my self-esteem is pretty low. I'm A GUY, and i have similar problems.
I used to go to an Ivy League school, then I got depressed, and couldn't handle the stress of school along with the depression (which was nearly crippling at the time). Now I think of all my classmates graduating with an Ivy League diploma, while I have NOTHING. I never went back to school because my dperession never went away. I feel inadequate, like why can't I handle stress, anguish, grief, loneliness like others can? Why am I so weak and depressed?

Then the drugs came in, and even with that i feel low. I wonder, why can't i go to the bar and enjoy a few drinks like other people? Why am I so weak that I can't realize when enough is enough? Why can't I be a weekend warrior and get high on Friday/SATURDAY NIGHT. Why am I so weak? Why do I have no control?

Now Im a schizophrenic with a drug abuse problem. Im in treatment going there everyday, meanwhile all my friends are working, living in nice apartments, and having a good time. Why am I so weak that I need treatment? Why can't i function like my friends do?

Notice I use the word weak a lot. It's how i feel Weak and inadequate.

I just always feel indadequate because I can't do things like i used to, before the drugs and the depresion/psychosis. Something is wrong with me. And i have nothing to be proud of.
All i have is my sobriety. and that's only 19 days. doesn't really mean **** to me.


And then it trickles down to the small things like my acne, why am I 23 and still have bad skin? Why can't I look better?
Why do I have a pot belly? No one else around me my age looks like this?
It's like when yourt self-esteem is low, every detail seems to bother you.

[least]

I've always had a problem comparing myself to others, especially since my siblings are successful and I am not. And my dad is very smart and never hesitates to throw his intelligence around right in my face. He dismisses and disrespects my opinions and ideas and plans and tells me how wrong they are. He's always done that, tho he doesn't do it to my sisters and brothers, only to me.

I am always comparing myself with others and regretting or second guessing my decisions. No wonder I hate myself.