Ecstacy, depression and st johns wort

[electrickery]

Heya

Sorry this a bit long winded... but there are a bunch of confusing factors swimming around in my brain at the moment.

I'm 32 and have always had fairly extreme moods throughout my teens and twenties - as in low lows and high highs. My mother was diagnosed with bi-polar and was on meds for a while as she had been suicidal many times in her 20's - she now manages it with meditation, stress free living in the country and by being ultra healthy. My father suffered from depression as well and was on meds on and off until he died (car accident).

I always thought I had escaped this family history but when I look back on the last 12 years realise that I have always struggled to keep myself from depression by drinking and big weekend poly-drug use binges that escalated until in the past 3 years it was literally every weekend. (Alcohol, ecstacy and speed mostly and then crystal meth, coke, ketamine, lsd, magic mushrooms, dmt less frequently)

I started taking St Johns Wort (Hypericum perforatum) 4 years ago to help with the lows I was getting during the week and felt it was helping. I just kept taking it because I was so serotonin depleted that I figured an SSRI would help. (Thats how st johns wort works) Of course its action would continue over the weekend and for a while my highs became higher again.

I stopped my drug binges 8 months ago, my last drugs were 1 month ago and my last alcohol was only a week ago.

I tried to stop taking St Johns Wort on and off over the past year but within a few days to a week I feel intense depression. (no acute withdrawel thank god!) For me this manifests as lethargy, utter lack of interest in doing anything, lack of motivation even to the point of not wanting to get out of bed to shop, shower, clean sometimes even making basic food is a struggle. I essentially feel dead. So then I start the st johns again after a few days to a week of living death and within a few days feel normal again.

Realising just HOW much this herb has been helping me is pretty mindblowing but also frightening.... what if it stops working? What are the long term effects? (has not been researched as far as i can tell)

I guess I'm just putting it out there as to whether by any chance anyone has had a similar experience which might help me figure out what i can do....

Have I totally fried my brain to the extent that I would be a zombie without some kind of medication?

Do I just count my lucky stars that a humble herb is helping me so much and keep taking the st johns? anyone taken this and come off it to find a similar reaction? could it just be a short term thing that I would pull up from after a month or two?

Does anyone here have any experience with long term ecstacy use consequent depression, and recovery from this?

I know I know - go see a doctor! but doctors often don't even believe that herbs work... even though st johns has been proven to be as effective as some other SSRI's I just don't trust a doc to believe me.

Any input large or small would be so very much appreciated!

[Freedom1990]

Your last drugs were only a month ago, and alcohol even less.

It takes time for the body/mind/spirit to heal!

Depression is very common in early recovery. That doesn't mean it's here to stay.

[electrickery]

Thats a good reminder.... but i guess a couple of lines seems so like nothing so i hardly count it and the month before that was a couple of pills which is also nothing compared to what I was taking.... *sigh* I have never been very patient. Always looking for the quick fix.

Nonetheless any specific experiences would be so re-assuring (or not?) to hear....

[Rowan]

Well done on getting clean and sober. I have a long-standing history of clinical depression which was made worse while drinking and taking pills (benzos). I've been clean and sober for nearly 3 years now and still suffer from depression, although for the most part it's managed through regular sleep, medication, f2f support, prayer, meditation, etc. You get the picture.

During those brief periods when I wasn't taking meds for depression, I did try St. John's Wort with some success. I don't remember specifically why I stopped taking it. It could have been because of the lack of research on the long-term effects, as yours was, but I can't say for sure.

You were using a lot of drugs - a lot of uppers. It makes sense to me, regardless of how often you were using them, that you would experience real lows when you are getting clean from them. It takes some time for them to entirely leave your system.

If the SJW is helping you right now, why not continue with it? As long as you taking it as needed, and as directed, I wouldn't worry too much.

Do you have a support system such as a program or an addictionologist? For me, I needed a 12-Step program, a doctor well-versed in recovery, and lots of face to face support.

I still have some significant depressive periods today, but they always pass, and I don't need to drink or pop pills to deal with them. If my body is tired, I rest. The cleaning and shopping etc can wait or I can ask someone for help.

I hope this was somewhat helpful to you, and not too long-winded.

[geekorunique]

Hey Honey - I hope that I can be of some help to you - similar experiences so I will do my best.

You're very young in recovery so please don't expect too much of yourself. I am ten months sober and about eleven months clean. I have also been on and off anti depressants for years. I had tried St Jons Wort but I didn't feel it worked for me.

What you need to do is get into a bit of action to try and stop your mind from wandering so much. Yes I will tell you what you expected and that is to get to your doctor - advice on here is great but noone is a substitute for your doctor. In the meantime - keep taking the St Jons Wort - I know for a fact it works for some people as my sister has been on it for years with no negative side effects and it helped her get off prozac. A few things to help produce serotonin are exercise and in small doses chocolate! Be good to yourself - be kind to yourself.

Have you thought about AA? Or NA? Alcoholics anonymous has saved my life. I have been up and down with bipolar for a long time but am only just getting medical help for it. It's been through the fellowship of AA that I have had the strength to do something for myself. I am on high doses of anti depressants and yeah sometimes I struggle but when I do I have AA to fall back on and the people in it.

I promise if you put some hard work into your recovery things will get better.

Wishing you all the love and success in the world.

K xxx

[electrickery]

Thanks! Your answers touched me, especially yours geeko.... I felt the care all the way from Glasgow :ghug

I haven't gone to NA or AA. I have been thinking about it and of course have all my excuses for not going - oh I'm not that bad, I can do this on my own, I'm travelling a lot at the moment, I don't have time blah blah but its well yeah all excuses in the end I guess.

I think the crux of why I haven't gone to see a doc or gone to AA/NA is because a part of me doesn't want to accept that I will never take anything ever again.... when I start thinking like that I freak out.... so I take it one day at a time. Going to NA seems like a huge statement that I wont be able to take anything ever again - and the thought of that brings anxiety.

yet on the other hand I have accepted that and am excited about a new way of living.... its like there are two distinct contradictory ideas in my mind.

I feel like I'm staring the bull in the eyes at the moment.

[Silla]

I felt the same rift when I first started in NA. I was eager to find a new way of life, but at the same time I couldn't deal with the idea of never using drugs again. I soon realized that being in NA didn't mean never again. I slipped a lot, because every time I thought "I can't do this ever again" I would go out and use. Eventually I realized that in reality I could use whenever I wanted to, NA or no, and I decided to take it a day at a time instead of looking at the whole picture. I can use tomorrow if I want to but just for today I won't.

Eventually I found a really cool change in my thinking... it went from "I can never do that again" to "I never have to do that again". It was a liberating experience.

I hope you find what you need on the route to happiness. Action always seems paralyzing at first but when you take steps you wind up going farther than you realize.