Obsessed/in love with therapist

[adore79]

This has been going on for a couple of years, I think about him all the time and when I was driving I would drive by his house over and over. Im not a dangerous stalker or anything but I cant get him out of my mind. I've talked to him about the problem before but we didnt really get into it much. I think I need to bring it up again and let him know how serious it is because it is really causing me a lot of frustration and sadness. He is married afterall and I dont want to do anything that would cause him to drop me. But he is so awesome. Thanks for letting me rant.

[aasharon90]

Thanks adore for share ur thoughts.

In rehab we had councilors that sat
in group with us in a circle to have
discusions.

This one in particular was in my mind
to "die for" as they say. Tall and
handsome. He always acted professional
and dressed nicely.

On one or 2 occassions he took me
and several others in treatment to
an outside day meeting.

I remember sitting in front with
him while the 2 other guys were
in back.

I had so many feelings inside of
me jumping around. I was "in love".

Those romantic feelings over whelmed
me too.

Maybe for the first time someone
was paying attention to me.....then
really anytime a guy or man paid
as much as a little attention to
me i emmediately "fell in love"
with them.

It was like i took him hostage in
my mind.

This all stemmed down from not
getting what i needed in my own
marriage. The one place i truely
needed to be understood and loved.

It didnt matter if they were married
or not. If i liked u then i was gonna
try my darness to get u.

Being at home mom, i didnt feel
attractive anymore at least in the
eyes of my family members.

So the more i drank the more i
had this destorted view of myself.

When i drank i ventured to the clubs
to not only listen to music but to
see how women could get anyone
they wanted.

I learned how they dressed, carried
themselves, talked, flirted and own
the floor.

With all that in mind i still remained
much of a lady.

Anyway.....all that stemmed down
to my dishonesty and lack of trust.

I carried that up until i was 17 yrs
sober. Then once i became open
and honest in all my affairs then i
experienced the FREEDOM they
talk about in our recovery program.

Sometimes it takes longer for some
lessons to be learned.

[nandm]

Although I do not have any personal experience with this subject I was able to find a couple of good articles on the subject. Hope you find something that will help.

Why I am obsessed with my doctor?
By Kristina Randle, LCSW
June 25, 2007

Q. I have been completely obsessed with thoughts of my pdoc. I was diagnoses with bipolar 1 10 years ago. The years have been very difficult to say the least. I have gone through 8 psychiatrist before finding the pdoc that I have now. I’ve had him for 8 years. Naturally, I don’t always agree with his treatment, but appreciate the fact that he listens to me and takes my concerns to heart when making medical decisions. Since having him, I have certainly known that he is a physician above the rest. His visits are a minimum of 45 min. sometimes lasting 1-1 1/2 hours depending upon the current situation. My bipolar has been very difficult to treat and I have refused to take many medications because of their side effects. My pdoc doesn’t hesitate to spend time with me chatting and carrying on light conversation as a part of our office visit. I always leave feelin uplifted and as there is is hope. However, what was once appreciation and respect, has developed an obsession. I want to learn as much as possible about him, his wife, family, etc. I think this is insane. Believe it or not, I don’t have sexual fantasies about him nor do I have a knight in shining armour fantasy that he will some day come and take me away from all this. I just have this obsession to know about how he lives his life - the details of it. Part of it is, he knows so much about me and I know nothing about him. He definately has a wall up and is very clinical when it comes to sharing anything about himself. I don’t understand why all of a sudden this is happening. I don’t understand why I can’t stop myself from researching he and his wife. I don’t like being this way. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I’m thought about telling him but I do not want to lose him. I don’t want to tell my therapist because I just don’t want anyone I know to know what’s going on inside my head. Having these thoughts trapped inside of my head are actually, at a slow boil, driving me crazy. Do you have a suggestion on how to eliminate this obsession. I’ve been through enough pdocs to know there’s not another one like him out there for me.

A. It is encouraging that you have found a mental health professional that can help you. As you know, finding someone effectual can be a difficult and long lasting search. I do not think that it is that unusual to want to know more about your psychiatrist (I think this is what you meant by pdoc) since after all you have developed a deep, long running relationship with him. What I am curious about is why this obsession is occurring now. You have been seeing him for eight years. Has this obsession lasted eight years or is it only recently that you started to feel this way? If so, why now?

My main concern about this situation is your inability to control the obsession. The best solution to this situation is to be honest with him about what you are doing. It is important to be honest with him since after all, he would likely be the very person that could help solve this problem, since, after all, he is who you have been relying on for advice and problem solving help for years. If you are honest with him then possibly you and he can explore why you are feeling overpowered by the need to know this information about him. There is an excellent chance that he can help you work through this just as he has helped you with other past problems. Be forthcoming and be honest. Take care.
Why I am obsessed with my doctor? | Ask the Therapist

I Think I’m in Love with My Therapist
By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
April 29, 2008

2 hearts
“I think I’m in love with my therapist. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?”

It is not unusual to feel strong feelings of “love” or affinity toward your therapist. But those feelings probably aren’t what you think.

Psychodynamic theory suggests the reason that many people fall in love with their therapist is because they are repeating emotional patterns they experienced as children toward their parents. This behavior and set of feelings was first described by Sigmund Freud who coined the term “transference” to describe it. He discovered transference after noting this many of his mostly-female clients would start describing their own romantic feelings toward him. In some patients, the feelings were not romantic, but instead more childlike and Freud took on a parental role in the patient’s mind. It was as though Freud became their father figure, and the tempestuous relationship would then play out in his office.

Freud described this process over a hundred years ago, and therapists and their clients still deal with this issue even in modern psychotherapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy. Because the process itself is a very real possible side effect of psychotherapy, although it doesn’t happen to everyone in all therapeutic situations.
Why Does Transference Occur?

Nobody can say for certain why transference seems to be a process of many people’s psychotherapy, regardless of the actual background of the therapist or focus of therapy. Goal-focused, short-term psychotherapy is no guarantee that transference won’t occur. Some cognitive-behavioral therapists, in their efforts to focus on empirically-based treatments, simply ignore these feelings when they come up in the course of psychotherapy. Others downplay their importance.

Transference likely occurs because the therapeutic environment is generally seen as a safe, supportive and nurturing environment. Therapists are seen as accepting, positive influences in our lives, but sometimes also as authoritative guides. In these various roles, a therapist can inadvertently step into roles previously occupied in our lives by one of our parents. Or a client can become infatuated with the seemingly endless supply of wisdom and positive self-regard some therapists exude. The effects can be just as intoxicating as one’s first love. In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.

Therapists may also represent an individual in a person’s life that provided the unconditional acceptance (and perhaps love) that we all seek from important others in our life. Our mother. Our father. A sibling. A lover. A therapist doesn’t ask for a person to be anything other than themselves. And in the honest emotional environment that’s so often found in the best therapists’ office, it’s easy to idealize (and in some cases, idolize) the accepting, caring professional who sits across from us.
I Think I’m in Love! Now What?

So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.

The first thing to understand is that this is not anything you should be ashamed or afraid of. This type of transference is not an uncommon feature of psychotherapy, and these kinds of feelings are not something you can simply just turn on and off at will. Having these feelings for your therapist is not “unprofessional” nor does it cross any kind of therapeutic boundaries.

Second, talk to your therapist. Okay, I know this is the hardest step, but it is also the most important. Your therapist should be experienced and trained in transference issues (yes, even the modern cognitive-behavioral therapists), and be able to talk to you about them in an open and accepting manner. As with most issues in therapy, bringing it out into the open and talking about it usually is sufficient to help most people in dealing with their feelings. Your therapist should also talk to you about ways you can better understand them in the context of your therapeutic relationship, family history and background, and what kinds of things you might be able to do to help and reduce their intensity.

Third, accept your feelings and continue in focusing on the reasons that brought you into therapy in the first place. For some people, this will be easy. Once they’ve discussed the issue with their therapist, they feel relieved – like a weight has been lifted off of their shoulders. For others, the process may be more difficult and require that some therapy time be spent further discussing these feelings with your therapist.

I should also note that if a therapist returns your feelings of love in any form whatsoever, it is a breach of the professional therapeutic relationship and ethics. Professional therapists are trained to cope with their own “counter-transference” issues, and in the U.S., a romantic relationship between a client and their therapist is considered unethical and verboten. You should consider ending your relationship with such a therapist and talking to your regional ethics board about filing a complaint.

“Falling in love” with your therapist is sometimes a normal process of psychotherapy. It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life. Do not run away from these feelings – or your therapist – in fear. Talk to your therapist about them, and chances are, it will help.
Dr. John Grohol is the CEO and founder of Psych Central and has been writing about mental health and psychology issues online since 1992.
I Think I’m in Love with My Therapist | World of Psychology

[adore79]

Thanks for the responses. Im not sure if my feelings are more romantic or of that of a child/parent dynamic but I have heard of transference before. It happend with another therapist/pdoc I had when I was younger but I never told her about it and didnt see her for very long.

I just think how cool it would be to have my therapist all to myself, around all the time, he is the only person I trust completely. But he is very ethical and my worst fear is that he would have me go to someone else. I actually even have to see his wife next week, she is also a mental health person to get another psych evaluation for the court. That is going to be weird.

[Bamboozle]

Hello, adore. What a great thread!


I really like my therapist and admittedly, I'm a little obsessed. I don't think I'm in love, but I do think I know why this is happening. I don’t have any other person to talk to face to face about anything remotely serious, so she is my sole source of support at this moment. Yes, I do have SR, but I know face to face stuff is really important.

This is going to probably sound stupid, but anytime I need to “talk” to someone, I imagine that I’m talking to her. Why? In my imagination, she listens. Which is what she does in actuality, too.

I’m turning this into a positive thing. It is a way for me to think about the things I don’t like to think about. Taking this approach makes it easier for me to think about the hurtful things. I believe I need to force myself to think about the baggage in order to overcome it. Does this make any sense?

I hope you can sort this out in a positive way.

[adore79]

Hi Bam, I do the same thing, I hold conversations with him in my mind lol. I dont think it is weird, it helps me and at least I'm not talking to myself! Im glad you are turning it into a positive thing, Ill try and do the same

[Bamboozle]

It was good for me to see this thread...this is a topic I've been thinking about in the last couple of weeks. Thanks for starting this, adore.

[adore79]

Argh its been two weeks since ive been able to get to an appointment, i am jonesing for a therapy session! I am one of his only clients that has his personal cell phone number but I have to be careful not to call too much. When he leaves a message on my voice mail sometimes I will listen to it over and over again and the sound of his voice soothes me.

[aasharon90]

Is he married?

[adore79]

yeah sharon hes married

[Rowan]

Hi Felicia. I've never fallen in love with a therapist, but I felt very strongly attached to my most recent doctor. I think it was more of a parent/child thing, though. He was my father's age, and helped me to work through some really deep stuff.

He passed away at the end of February, and I really miss him.

What I really admired about him were his boundaries. He was always ethical, and never crossed a line with me, ever. I trusted him implicitly.

Anyway - I just wanted to share that.

[adore79]

It sounds like he was a really great man. Thanks for sharing Ro.

[aasharon90]

Adore....crossing the line will indicate where u r
in ur program. I was also infatuated with my
councilor almost from day one yrs ago. Admiration
and yet never to place him on a pedalstol.

They r capable of falling off that pedalstol just
like us.

Sure i was taken with him because he was
good looking and yes he gave me some
attention when i needed it.

A very emotional roller coaster for yrs.

Was it worth it....at the time yes.

However i knew what my HP wanted me
to do and yet my will wouldnt let me go.

Finally when the time was right the willingness
to be honest in all my affairs proved to be
stronger. And that was when i finally
grew more in my recovery and became
FREE.

All my life i looked for love, affection,
understanding, valadation in all the wrong,
people, places and things and I kept being
disappointed.

I wished i could have been stronger back
then, however i wasnt. I could have experienced
the miracles of the program sooner than
I had then. Yet it wasnt meant to be. Maybe
i was affraid. I was weak.

Anyway.....to share with u my experience or
another, may give u hope that u dont have
to make the same mistakes i made and that
there is other solutions....healthier solutions
to achieve happiness, selfworth, selfesteem,
valadation, strenght and much more.

Dont sell urself short or settle for anything
less because u r so worth more. MUCH MORE.

A lesson learned even tho no right off the bat
but.....There is nothing to gain from a relationship
with a married person. Nothing at all. Period.

[adore79]

Thanks Sharon, ill take your words into consideration.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by aasharon90

There is nothing to gain from a relationship
with a married person. Nothing at all. Period.

There's hardly been one day in the last 4 years when I haven't thought about that, how painful it was to watch my marriage and family shattered by alcoholism and infidelity. Thanks for a simple reminder, Sharon.

[jamdls]

I only see female therapist/doctors so as to avoid those feeling. Men have always kind of given me the creeps though except of course when I was drunk.

[Toomutch]

I have not shared on this thread yet because I haven’t really known what to say. The more I think about this, it really seems unhealthy to me.

It sounds as if it's gone beyond the point of just a little crush. It seems more like you are obsessed with him. I am inclined to say that perhaps you could find a new therapist.

The reason I am saying this is because I don't want you to get hurt, and everything you have said so far equals a recipe for disaster. IMO

[adore79]

Thanks for your concern Suz but Ive got it under control. I meet with him on thursday and will bring along my posts from this thread, which i often do. Then Ill see what he has to say.