social isolation

[rubbersoul]

I feel awkward and nervous talking about this online, but this forum seems very supportive and friendly.

I'm 20 years old, depressed and socially isolated. I'm an only child and my family moved around a lot when I was a kid. I started high school in a new city and that’s when I first experienced really bad depression and social anxiety. I've been depressed for 5 years now, and although I had a few friends in the last city I lived in, they weren't "true friends" and it was all based on alcohol and drugs. I cut off all ties with friends I had over a year and a half ago because they were unhealthy relationships.

I moved 7 months ago and I literally have absolutely no contacts (personal or professional) except for my parents and my counsellor (who is a temporary emergency psychologist). I don't have a job or any references (although my counsellor offered to be one), and I dropped out of high school because I didn't know how to cope with the mental illness.

I've been sober for 29 days, my first go at quitting, and I'm really trying to turn things around in my life. I haven't made friends without talking about/using alcohol and drugs since I was 13 years old.

Now I'm an adult (although I don't feel like one) and making friends sober or at all seems impossible. Anyway, what I was wondering is if there's anyone on here that can relate to this even just a bit? Anybody who has also experienced social isolation, and advice on how to cope with it or maybe change it? Has your life improved? I'm feeling very lonely, overwhelmed and scared about my future and how I'm going to fit into society.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by rubbersoul

I've been sober for 29 days, my first go at quitting, and I'm really trying to turn things around in my life. I haven't made friends without talking about/using alcohol and drugs since I was 13 years old.

Now I'm an adult (although I don't feel like one) and making friends sober or at all seems impossible. Anyway, what I was wondering is if there's anyone on here that can relate to this even just a bit? Anybody who has also experienced social isolation, and advice on how to cope with it or maybe change it? Has your life improved? I'm feeling very lonely, overwhelmed and scared about my future and how I'm going to fit into society.

Hi rubbersoul, I don't have a lot of experience with social isolation so I probably can't offer much help, but I know I was perfectly comfortable drinking alone for many, many years, thinking I only needed my spouse, children, and alcohol to make my life complete. My life had to come crashing down sometime, I hit my bottom and gave everything away that I thought I needed.

If you haven't already, I hope you'll seek some professional help, maybe therapy would help? How about group support?

What I really wanted to share was that going to AA meetings really made a huge difference in helping me fit into society as a sober member of life on life's terms. I was welcomed and loved back to life, now I think of my fellow AA'ers as my family. My life has improved immensely, I wouldn't trade it for any of my old drinking life.

Congratulations on your introduction to sobriety so early in life, you've got many good years ahead of you and I hope you decide to face them clean and sober. The world is yours for the taking, you can do it without ever taking another drink or drug again. That's a pretty cool thing to look forward to!

[subject]

You are not alone. I had to say goodbye to ALL my friends when I decided to sober up because they all had some substance abuse problem or another. I then became the shut-in that I am now. At one point I couldn't leave the house. I was completely isolated. My AA sponsor told me to go to AA to make new friends, something I never did because of how much anxiety it caused me. However, I am almost 11 months clean and have very little desire to drink which is a good thing. I wish I could get rid of all this social anxiety. Right now I can ride my bike through town with some effort. One of the things I did during my struggle with it was to simply go out and sit on the porch and smoke a cigarette. This did help me to eventually get on my bike and expose myself to a little more interaction though I still have a lot of work to do. I know that AA is the next step because there I can interact on a much more personal level. Whether I can muster up the courage is the big question. I know they are there to help me but I just can't seem to take the step. Anyway, try going out on your stoop or porch and sit for a while each night or day. Baby steps.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by subject

I know that AA is the next step because there I can interact on a much more personal level. Whether I can muster up the courage is the big question. I know they are there to help me but I just can't seem to take the step. Baby steps.

Nobody forced me to share or interact in AA, I was allowed to listen until I felt comfortable enough to speak, until I recognized the similarities rathen than hearing the differences. I know what you mean though, it took every ounce of courage I had to sit through an entire meeting. Yep, baby steps.

[Freedom1990]

Social isolation was a biggie for me.

However, I found as I continued to attend AA meetings, I started opening up. It took time, but as I worked through the steps and continued to stay sober, that anxiety did start to fade away.

I'm still not one for big social gatherings or things like that, but I'm a far cry from where I used to be!

[rubbersoul]

Thanks to all of you who replied! Its good to hear some kind words.

"you've got many good years ahead of you and I hope you decide to face them clean and sober. The world is yours for the taking, you can do it without ever taking another drink or drug again." thanks Astro, I'm trying my hardest to make that happen.

[crzylilmndfreak]

rubbersoul, i relate 100% to your problems you talked about, i have been sober for 13 months, and my social anxiety is getting worse, i dont know how to stop it, i wish with all my heart that i could jsut talk to someone without feeling panicky, like i just want to run, is the best way to describe it i guess. i see that some responses were to attend AA, and if you can do that, it is a great way to go, i personally can't even do that, i go on occasion with a friend, and never get there early, every one would stare, and i leave early so i dont have to talk to anyone, i feel very paranoid, like people in my appartment complex probably think i am an unsocial b#$%, and when i do talk to anyone, i obsess afterwards, on every word that i said, it is miserable, as far as going out for a smoke, as Subject said, that is a good idea, although i usually go smoke on my back patio because my neighbor smokes also, and i dont want to have to make conversation...i was on klonopin for anxiety, but it makes me just want to lay down and sleep, i am going back to the dr. next month, and i was wondering if anyone knows what i might be put on?? i dont know much about meds,

[rubbersoul]

"i have been sober for 13 months" that's a huge achievement, congratulations!

I tend to obsess too, paranoia. But I'm trying to not let the anxious thoughts/feelings overwhelm me. I think trying to make them go away and supressing them just makes everything worse. I'm trying to be more understanding with the anxiety instead of fighting it all the time. Mind, I haven't had a full blown heart attack like panic attack in over a year so that probably helps.

Unfortunately AA is too religious for me, but I'm thinking about checking out other options (though I don't think there's anything so convenient like that)

I don't like taking mediciation for it (or depression) so I don't know too much about it either other than what I've taken in the past, but I hope you find something that works for you.

[Isaiah]

I'm going through that. I joke that all my social interaction is AA meetings and therapy groups, but unfortunately that is the reality of my social life right now.

The two standard questions I know to ask are:

What are your hobbies?

How do you feel about volunteering?

I guess I should say that I also volunteer. People who work at non-profits are a very certain type of people. I highly recommend this route if you have a lot of social anxiety. Non-profit workers are typically: outgoing (so you don't have to be) and also very caring (why else would they work for dirt pay?)

It's hard. I live in a city and so often I just want to cry out, "if anyone is looking to add a new friend to their life, I'm right here. My name's _____. Come be my friend!" But that would be weird, right?

[rubbersoul]

logically I know in the entire world I can't be the only one struggling with it but its comforting to actually hear another person say it

"if anyone is looking to add a new friend to their life, I'm right here. My name's _____. Come be my friend!"

lol me too, sometimes I think people don't want any more friends.
I'm attending a job search seminar and today we talked about job finding barriers, such as emotional problems. One person said that if you're having emotional problems you should talk to your family or friends about it and "a lot of you may not have any family to talk to but I'm sure everyone here has at least one friend". I was thinking "ouch"

[aldo1980]

Originally Posted by rubbersoul

Now I'm an adult (although I don't feel like one) and making friends sober or at all seems impossible. Anyway, what I was wondering is if there's anyone on here that can relate to this even just a bit? Anybody who has also experienced social isolation, and advice on how to cope with it or maybe change it?

man!
how ya doin?
i know exactly what you're talking about.
since i got sober i used to just stay at home, sometimes even for weeks at a time without seeing anybody at all. other times i'd stay at home for days at a time and then just go out every few days just so my neighbours wouldn't think i'm a recluse or a hermit. sometimes i wouldn't even really go out, i'd just move my car around so it would look like i'd been somewhere!
now i've got a job so for 8 hours a day i really just have to go out. and that's ok. i don't work too close to people so it doesn't really botther me.
i'm not really interested in other people. i have my own hobbies and intrests to keep me busy so being a loner doesn't bother me too much. sometimes i miss not having a woman near me.
like you i don't know how to make friends either. i just don't know what to say to start talking to people. if people talk to me i can cope but if i have to start the conversation i just can't think of anything to say.
the only advise i can give you is yuo're got to make an effort. i know hiding in bed from the world all day is nice but i'm where i am now (in the sh1t) becuase i couldn't be botthered to improove my life. get a job. join the gym. go to the pool. go to the supermarket. go where people are. then i guess after a while you'll start regonizing people you've seen before and you might alknowledge one another and maybe you'll get talking somehow. i've never really understood how the whole "making friends" thing works but i think asking questions is a good way of getting people to talk to you.

[aldo1980]

i think nowadays people are friends with people they work with. but i think people's morals of friendships are changing. i guess they don't have much time to invest in other people now. plus i guess the internet's changed allot of how people interact with one another.
and i suppose that because the vast majority of people's mannerisms have declined - allot of people are just plain rude - nobody's really approcing anybody else because everybody's so antisocial.
i was on the bus a few days ago and it was disturbing to see the number of people with their feet on the seats. nobody even offered to give up their seat for an old lady.
"may i have", "please", "thank you" are rapidly becoming words of the past. in fact allot of youths nowadays can't even talk th english launguage at all. they appear to be talking some kind of white trash talk which i find very difficult to understand.
when i'm around people i often think i'm living in the wrong period. i would have probbaly fitted in more had i off been living a couple of hundred years ago.
what world is this in which we live i ask myself

Originally Posted by Isaiah

It's hard. I live in a city and so often I just want to cry out, "if anyone is looking to add a new friend to their life, I'm right here. My name's _____. Come be my friend!" But that would be weird, right?

ah my soulmate!

nnooooo! that wouldn't be weird at all! that would be kool! seriously, really very kool!

[Thanks2HP]

rubbersoul, I can very much relate to a lot of the things you mentioned. From the time I was 10 until I left home at 16 my family moved quite often. I was the new kid too many times. Being introverted made it all the more difficult.

I remember one friends girlfriend making a comment about how sad it must be to dine alone in a restaurant. Doesn't bother me!

I wouldn't leave the house except to take care of business, buy groceries, etc., if I didn't have to work.

In a casual setting I have a very difficult time looking people in the eye. I don't know why - part of my mental illness I guess. I've always had difficulty with this. I can look people in the eye if I'm in a role such as patient/doctor, sponser/sponsee but even in the rooms of recovery I try not to establish eye contact.

I have a few very close friends but not many "friends". I've been told if you want a friend, be a friend but that's easier said than done. I don't have the gift of gab & find it difficult to make small talk.

By the way, I'm in my 40's and still don't feel like an adult.

I make myself do things that are uncomfortable. Do things that are uncomfortable long enough and they will start to feel comfortable.

I wish I could offer some more of a solution but at least you know there are people who can identify with you.

Hang in there and best of luck.