Mental Log

[Bamboozle]

Yesterday was interesting. I overate and was really anxious. I was awake for about 24 hours.

I have to go to work soon.

I wanted to get some more sleep...I need it.

I'm still anxious. This anxiety makes me feel afraid of a lot of things. It kills my motivation.

The pink cloud is gone.

I'm hanging in there the best I can. Therapy tomorrow (I hope).

[liveweyerd]

Bam,

How are you?

Damned anxiety and insomnia are 2 of my most hated plagues!

I hope you do have therapy today and get some relief.
Sometimes counseling stirs things up and I get anxious about that big time...but ultimately hope it will help me heal my demons.

You have had alot going on.

Be kind to yourself, you are a great lady!

I went grocery shopping last night, made sure the snacks I brought home were frozen fruits....I munched on frozen cherries last night....and frozen fruit juice bars. I saw that you are on the obvious sugars thread! WOW!

[Bamboozle]

Hello, live.


I bounced onto that thread, but I have yet to put the chocolate down.

I have a session tomorrow. I hope it can recharge my batteries.

[Bamboozle]

Anxious this morning...I go to my appointment soon.

I'm tired of being afraid. How can I make that feeling go away? It's strong enough to stop me in my tracks. Feeling afraid is something I've never been able to control. I've been this way for far too long. Nearly everything is making me nervous today...I don't want to leave the house, but I will.

[Bamboozle]

Not so good day today. I go to the doctor next week and I am to ask for a bump in my medication.

*rant begin* All it took to set me off was one person at work who happend to say a slur in reference to gays. I am not out at work. I stopped laughing and smiling and walked away...was in a funk...and then a customer cussed to me and I lost it. I refused to deal with the public for the rest of the day. Long story short, I wasn't happy and all I wanted to do was get away from that place and the people in it. People kept asking me what was wrong. I pretty much ignored them. I was offered a percocet, weed, and alcohol today for free by someone who wanted to "cheer me up". I had to keep repeating, "I can't". This person knows I'm on mental medication and when I mentioned that again the person said, "So am I, but I still drink and smoke up." WTF?! *rant over*

I'm glad I'm at SR right now.

[Bamboozle]

Turn around for today. Much better mood. Don't I just love mood swings! Yeah, right.


I hope I can make myself post an update here everyday just to see how things are and maybe note my triggers.

I'm not good at keeping up with stuff like this. I tried journaling in a notebook, but that only lasted for about a week. I'm at SR nearly every day, so there really isn't a reason I can't post in this thread. I know how I am, though. I'll try...

[Bamboozle]

Day started out okay.

Stomach got upset as soon as I got to work. Not good.

Once my stomach felt better, the nasty, negative mood stayed.

I hate those hopeless feelings. It was such that I hated everything about me today.

I felt like giving up. I don't like that. That leads to dangerous thoughts. Don't worry about me, though. If I get bad I'll do what I did before which was call my doctor.

Now I'm at SR. I'm not happy, but I'm doing a little better. I'm anxious for next week to come. I go to my doctor Monday and am going to ask for a bump up in my current med and ask for a non-benzo anti-anxiety med. Obviously I cannot have anything that I can abuse.

[allport]

Bam I love the way you describe your mood swings, I seem to be reacting in a similiar way at the moment, it happens so quickly and sometimes for no reason at all that I can see.

I think it might be time for me to finally get a check up on my meds, but I know what the result of seeing the dr will be, an increased dosage of what I'm already taking or a swop about.

I'm not sure if there are any anti depressants I haven't tried lol

I may have to face the fact that either depression isn't my problem or ssri drugs just don't help me.

Anyway sorry to ramble on, its so good to see you posting on this thread everyday, it is such a good idea.

Look after yourself x

[evmdimples]

Hi Bam, I just wanted to jump in and say you're not alone! My anxiety started up yesterday. I have been tracking my moods and yesterday I finally had the bright idea to actually take a look at what it was telling me. Definitely hormonal cycle involved. Very sad to finally see that the last three arguments (and ensuing breakup) with g/f were exactly on the same cycle day when the mood dips and the anxiety sets in! It's like clockwork, every month. Yesterday I noticed that by the time I was done with my 3rd cup of coffee, the anx had set in. Then it got worse throughout the day in spite of doing all the "right" things. Then I ate chocolate. I'm thinking it made things worse. My plan to counter-attack: for today, in addition to all the other stuff I"m doing to take care of me, I'm going to stay away from anything that has caffeine type stimulants, will drink relaxing herbal teas, and will eat/drink more calcium rich foods and supplements as well. I did find some relief last night by attending an online meeting (unfortunately the good effect was blown to heck by a neighborhood disturbance at midnight!) A friend also mentioned the phase of the moon is having an effect... crazy but seems to be true for me! Yet another thing to track! And of course, now I probably need to face (ex) g/f about this stuff. Hope you are doing better.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by allport

I think it might be time for me to finally get a check up on my meds, but I know what the result of seeing the dr will be, an increased dosage of what I'm already taking or a swop about.

Hello, allport.

Let me know how it goes.

Originally Posted by evmdimples

My plan to counter-attack: for today, in addition to all the other stuff I"m doing to take care of me, I'm going to stay away from anything that has caffeine type stimulants, will drink relaxing herbal teas, and will eat/drink more calcium rich foods and supplements as well.

Hello, evmdimples.

I need to cut out the caffeine, too. And all the processed sugar I’ve been eating. I’ve always been bad with my diet, so I’ll see how it goes.




Today wasn’t too bad. I’m okay today.

The only thing that bothered me is that I opened the fridge when I got home and there was a bottle of wine.

Funny…my mom was always the one nagging me about my drinking, yet she’s waving it in my face.

I don’t think it’s intentional, but it’s really pissing me off.

I need to move out of this house pronto. I hope I can get some money saved quickly. I plan on making some phone calls next week to see about housing assistance and I'll be looking at the classifieds. With any luck, I’ll be out of here in a few months.

[liveweyerd]

I used to love to write and kept volumnous diaries...but my privacy was invaded too many times....
however since I am working with a new counselor I have decided to at least log/ track things as you and some others are.
I feel sure it will be helpful.

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

I used to love to write and kept volumnous diaries...but my privacy was invaded too many times....
however since I am working with a new counselor I have decided to at least log/ track things as you and some others are.
I feel sure it will be helpful.

Hello, live.


Yeah, I think it is helpful. I don't know who started that around here, but it's a great idea.

[Bamboozle]

A little angry today...I don't know why but my mom is really getting on my nerves today. Sometimes I irritate easily.

It's hot here. What happened to spring?

I don't work today. I'm going to eat and sleep. Diet change tomorrow. Not today. Don't feel like it.

[liveweyerd]

Isn't Sunday the day for rest and refreshment?
Enjoy!

[Bamboozle]

No desire to drink.

I just don't care. I'm empty.

[Bamboozle]

Last couple of days haven't been good. I need to talk to my therapist about suicidal thoughts I've been having (don't worry, I'll call someone if I get desperate). I'm afraid to talk to her about it because I don't want to be involuntarily committed. I haven't made any plans and have not made any attempts, but I do think about it. I know that thinking about this isn't normal/healthy.

I cannot afford to be locked up for any amount of time...I simply do not have the money and don't need debt added to my frustrations.

I'm hesitant to talk about this with her because I don't want her to report me. I don't know what to do.

[adore79]

Hi Bam, what is said between you and your therapist stays between you two. She wont have you committed, she can only contact the authorities if you give specific where/when you are planning to do it. And like you said, you dont have plans. Suicide ideation can be a coping technique but it is not a very healthy one to use too much. Please talk to her about it, she can probably help. Stay strong and take care

[Bamboozle]

Thanks, adore.



Today was pretty good. I'm tired of these mood swings. I'm a yo-yo.

[Bamboozle]

Not so hot today. Weak. No motivation. No energy. Don't care.

I don't like being apathetic, but that's what I am right now. I hope this goes away soon.

I don't want to be around anyone today. I don't want anyone to see me and I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to people on the phone or in person.

Funny thing is, I had a drinking dream last night. Do I want to drink now? Interstingly enough, no. I haven't wanted to drink at all this week. I don't know why I don't feel like it, but that's nothing to be happy about. It feels weird. I'm almost 6 weeks sober? I'm not sure. I didn't write down the date when I quit.

I'm not making any progress at all. Nothing is helping. I can tell my med is not working like it first was. What a disappointment. I'm tired of trying.

[Bamboozle]

Didn't post yesterday...been up and down since. Therapy tomorrow, I think. I hope they didn't screw up my appointment.

[Sweets79]

Originally Posted by Bamboozle

Not so hot today. Weak. No motivation. No energy. Don't care.

I don't like being apathetic, but that's what I am right now. I hope this goes away soon.

I don't want to be around anyone today. I don't want anyone to see me and I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to people on the phone or in person.
Funny thing is, I had a drinking dream last night. Do I want to drink now? Interstingly enough, no. I haven't wanted to drink at all this week. I don't know why I don't feel like it, but that's nothing to be happy about. It feels weird. I'm almost 6 weeks sober? I'm not sure. I didn't write down the date when I quit.

I'm not making any progress at all. Nothing is helping. I can tell my med is not working like it first was. What a disappointment. I'm tired of trying.

Exactly...woke up p*sst off...annoyed, no energy, don't even feel like getting dressed...highly agitated, depressed...feel like punching something...don't feel like doing anything...have a headache..still having cravings, wondering why this jerk did this and the other jerk did that, and where the hell my life is going...I have so many things to figure out, it's overwhelming...But anyway, I'm right there with ya.

[Bamboozle]

Therapy today...I left there feeling pretty good. I talked to her about the suicidal thoughts and told her about how I wrote about some of it. I actually read aloud what I wrote (I brought my notebook with me).

That went over better than I thought it would. She said that instead of me reaching for a bottle, instead of me reaching for a rope, I reached for a pen instead and wrote down what I was feeling.

Writing helps. I'll remember what she said if I feel that way again, if I ever feel that low.


I feel more hopeful today. I was fairly calm at work and I feel pretty peaceful right now. I wish I could bottle this up and save some for later.

It's easy to do at this moment, but I have to focus on the positive things and avoid negative things as much as I can. That means I have to be nice to myself and stop criticizing myself. I've been very mean and hurtful to myself. Even if I cannot bring myself to sugarcoat my situation, at the very least I can refrain from telling myself negative things--if I don't have anything nice to say, I won't say anything at all. I need to stick with this. I need to learn how to love myself.

[Bamboozle]

I was doing okay today...and then I discovered a big trigger.

There is this annoying person at work. Now, if I come across someone annyoing, usually I walk away. I couldn't do that today and he was standing behind me for a few hours. I wanted to pull my hair out.

I am proud of myself, though. I don't think I'm as upset as I could be.

I noticed that after I was feeling agitated for a while, that's when the negative thinking crept in...the hopelessness, the wanting to give up.

I feel like I've made a small victory today. I know something specific to watch out for. It sounds so simple, but it's been easy for me to overlook.

I am going to find out what all of my triggers are and then come up with a way to avoid. If I cannot avoid, then I'll try to find a way to cope.

[jamdls]

Learning to cope with the triggers is much better than trying to avoid cause you might find yourself never leaving home or your room in order to avoid. This quote I heard today sounds like it would apply to you.

"Be kind to the idiots in your life because you're the idiot in someone else's life"

Judy

[Bamboozle]

Originally Posted by jamdls

Learning to cope with the triggers is much better than trying to avoid cause you might find yourself never leaving home or your room in order to avoid. This quote I heard today sounds like it would apply to you.

"Be kind to the idiots in your life because you're the idiot in someone else's life"

Judy

No, I wouldn't stay stuck in my home. I believe in avoiding negative situations whenever possible. That also means avoiding negative people whenever possible.

I won't be kind to people who are not kind to me.