Should I Have My Daughter Committed?

[suki44883]

Her first suicide attempt was when she was 14 years old. Now, she is 19 and has been in and out of short-term mental health facilities 5 times in the past year. Five suicide attempts, she cuts herself and her upper legs and arms are covered in scars. Fortunately, she doesn’t do this often anymore and it’s been a couple of months since she has cut herself. She binges and purges daily and while she isn’t skeletal, she is thin and weighs about 25 pounds less than she should. Her self-destructive behavior continues and I am at my wits end. She is unable to work because of her anxiety and paranoia. She is on SSI and receives a check from Social Security each month of around $450.

She has been diagnosed at different times with: Schizo-affective disorder/bipolar type, major depressive disorder with psychosis, extreme anxiety, paranoia, OCD and most recently, borderline personality disorder. She sees a therapist twice a week but she does so grudgingly. The rest of the time, she sleeps. She is on several medications which do help with the voices and hallucinations, but not much else. I realize that the meds can only make her somewhat functional, but that therapy, therapy, therapy is the key to changing her thoughts and behaviors. The problem is, she does well when she’s inpatient, so they release her; but, when she gets back home, she goes right back to the depressive, self-destructive behavior. I never know what I’m going to go home to when I leave work. She and I live alone, so I am the only person who has to deal with this. Life with her is very draining, to say the least.

The State of Texas sucks when it comes to mental health care for adults. If she were under 18, or had an addiction, there are places she could go. Since she doesn’t fall into that category, the only options are therapy, short-term inpatient care (1-5 days) or commitment to the State Mental Hospital. We’ve tried the first two, and while therapy will be ongoing for at least a year, if she doesn’t really want to get better, she won’t. That’s the main problem. I can’t do this for her; she has to do it herself, and she has to fight hard to get better. Most days, she says she’s not sure she wants to get better, but I know that’s her illness talking.

My older daughter feels I should petition to have her committed to the North Texas State Hospital. The commitment would be for a period of 90 days. They wouldn’t necessarily keep her that long, but it gives them that amount of time to work with. The hospital would have a chance to observe her over an extended period of time and make sure her meds are doing what they should and make any necessary changes. She would get both one-on-one and group therapy. She would have structure, which causes her to do much better. I’m tempted to do this, but then, something inside me says STOP. Do you really want to do this? The answer is, No, I don’t want to do it, but should I?

[Astro]

Suki, I don't have the answer and I'm sure it weighs so heavy on your heart, just want you to know I'm praying for you and your daughter. I can't imagine my children going through a situation like that, but that day may come. I know how painful it was for my father when I had myself committed, he felt so helpless, but I knew I was in the right place and being cared for.

I know you'll keep reaching out for support, please keep us posted, I hope you find a solution that you'll be at peace with.

[Toomutch]

Suki,

I am sorry that both you and your daughter are experiencing so much pain. I can't even imagine being in the situation that you are in. I think "draining" is an understatement.
The fact that you are worrying everyday about what you will come home to suggests immediate attention IMHO.
If this were my daughter I think I would have her commited. This situation sounds very serious and as scary as it is right now in the long run it may make all the difference in the world to have her commited now.

[adore79]

Im so sorry to hear that your daughter's condition hasnt been improving. I'll pray for you both.

I know personally if I told my Mom I "wasnt sure" if I wanted to get better, that would really mean yes, I want to get better. Also, you say that life is draining for you having to live with her. It sounds like a tough situation for you both.

I cant tell you to have her committed or not, but you might want to really consider it since nothing else has worked.

Your daughter and I have a lot in common, feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk.

[serenityqueen]

I had no idea you were going through all of this. I can't imagine being at work all day, wondering what may or may not be going on.

Have you been Praying on this, asking God for guidance? I am by no means some "Jesus freak" who thinks that God is going to write the answer in the sky for me when I Pray on things, but you will get your answer. You said that you get to the point of thinking you may need to do this, but you don't want to do it. Two different things entirely, wanting to and needing to, I understand that. There were times with my Recovery where I didn't want to do something, but I knew I needed to do it. It sounds like your daughter doesn't just have some mild mental health issues. And if she has attempted suicide, then I think you know what you NEED to do.

There is a big difference in being co dependent with someone and trying to save a person's life. She doesn't sound like she is capable to making the right decisions for herself right now, so as her Mom, IMHO, if it were my Son, I would have to do what is best for him. . . especially if he can't make that decision on his own.

I will Pray for you and your Daughter. I hope you follow what your heart tells you to do, what would be best for her. . . not necessarily what either of you may want to do.

Hugs & Prayers,
Judy

[mattcake79]

I'm glad you're asking for input, Sook. There are no easy answers.

You are an excellent, caring mother; there is no "right or wrong" here, there are no potential "mistakes": make a decision, stand by it, and accept the consequences. Whatever you decide, and whatever the outcome, I hope you'll find peace in knowing that you tried your very best, and that your actions were based in love.

I have faith in your judgement, your daughter's ability to heal, and in your intentions

[OzSandy]

My parents had to have me forcibly committed at age 23, and I realise how difficult and painful that must have been for them, but they really had no option and it was the best thing for me.

[mle-sober]

I can imagine that there would be an enormous amount of pain included in taking this step. But I think you would be acting in your daughter's best interest to do this. Right now, it doesn't appear there is any real hope in maintaining the status quo. If nothing changes, nothing changes. You know? I thinking admitting her to this program would be a bold step toward helping her get onto her own recovery path. It would give her independance from you and your thoughts and feelings. She would have to take on her own.

Also, the way things are right now, it sounds like she is a serious suicide risk. In which case, making a big change (since other efforts have not really shifted things for her) is almost inarguably necessary.

I think the voice inside you telling you NO is an understandable level of fear and guilt. But it's about you, not her. I think the part of you that thinks this is a good idea is thinking about what's best for your daughter. That, obviously, is based on my extremely limited information. It's just a guess.

I have had a lot of experience with mental hospitals. (Not a state program like you're talking about however.) And my experiences have been almost uniformly positive. Not pleasant. Not fun. Sad and scary. But essential and overall helpful.

Please keep us posted.

[suki44883]

I appreciate your responses. Yes, it is extremely difficult living with my daughter because I never know what kind of mood she will be in from one day (well, actually, one minute) to the next. Tonight she was in a good mood and was actually washing dishes when I came home. We watched television for a couple of hours and then she went to bed. If even 50% of her days were like this one, I would put committment on the back burner; however, days like this are becoming rare. Yes, I have a decision to make.

[worthyoflove]

I just did some reading about Adult Children and her behaviors match a typical ACOA. Is she seeing someone who knows about ACOA's? It is a specialized field and for someone to recover, they have to have a therapist who knows about the disease. ACOA's typically bottle their emotions to survive growing up and someone has to help unlock them. Hospitals will just give her meds and that won't do anything. It's a short-term solution that won't work. If you can, read Judith Woititz's Adult Children of Alcoholics book. You will see what your daughter is going through.

[Isaiah]

Speaking as someone with BPD, I would be very cautious about committing your daughter without at least her partial consent, if that is where she sits diagnosis-wise (her story does sound pretty familiar.) As much as I sympathize with your story and your daughter's well-being, if it was my family having me committed I know I'd give them hell for it. It'd be too hard for me not to (even thought at times it may have been best.)

If at all possible I would get some help on your side first. See if you can find a psychologist nearby who specializes in BPD or speak with someone in the hospital you're considering moving her into. Anyone who specializes in doing intakes. They might be able to help you do this with your daughter's willing cooperation. People who cut, binge and attempt suicide never do so because they want to. It's just a matter of being inable to express what it is they do need (that's BPD in one sentence.)

It's got to be hard to balance your daughter's health with her own freedom to choose, but I think you're starting off on a right path. A hospital is a good place for adjusting meds and isolating a patient from all the problems the outside world brings. I've been in hospital twice and even though I resented it a lot it was good for me.

It could possibly be good for your daughter too, but I would get some professional assistance in deciding how and whether to make that decision.

[suki44883]

Thank you, Isaiah. I did have a phone conversation with the Admissions Coordinator at the State Hospital a couple of weeks ago. I told him all about my daughter and the different diagnoses she has received. This was before her last hospitalization, and at that time, he said it sounded like she might have Borderline Personality Disorder. Turns out, that was her diagnosis last time she went to the hospital. He felt like they could help her and that afterward, they could assist in getting her into a group home where she could learn how to deal with interaction in public and other issues she is ill prepared for at this time.

[Isaiah]

Yeah, some diagnoses are pretty much tacked on immediately upon arrival. My first hospitalization landed me a "major depressive disorder" tag. If you go back for a second round it's BPD.

I, again, suggest that you try some professional assistance in learning how to best go about this in your role as a parent.

I'm a decade older than your daughter, a little less reliant on my parents and a little more experienced in dealing with my disorder, but I still have very tense relationships with both of my parents. We're all doing a little better since my last hospitalization two months ago, but I know there's still a feeling we're all "walking on eggshells."

One thing with parasuicide and BPD is really a hard time articulating one's emotions. I'm going to guess that asking your daughter what's wrong doesn't always seem to work...? She seems sort of like she's seeking attention and completely distant all at the same time...? If my guess is right, it's got to be painful for you to watch and deal with.

[suki44883]

Major Depressive Disorder was one of her diagnoses, too. I've been reading a lot on BPD and they should have my daughter's picture next to the heading. It fits her perfectly. Her psychiatrist at MHMR wanted her to go to the State Hospital about a month back and made us promise that we would take her to the county hospital here and have her referred to the State Hospital. Trouble is, the doctor at the county hospital didn't want to refer her and instead gave her the BPD label and said she needs therapy, therapy, therapy. Yes, I know she needs therapy, but she is on Medicaid and it's nearly impossible to find a therapist in our area that specializes in BPD and also takes Medicaid. She likes the therapist she sees, but I'm afraid he's really in over his head with her. We've exhausted every avenue of out-patient help. She needs a longer-term facility where they don't just get her stabilized and then release her. We've been on that merry-go-round for over a year now.

Regarding the "walking on eggshells" statement, yes...I did that for years. I no longer do because I just can't take it anymore. She and I are very honest with each other. She tells me how she is feeling and I listen to her, but whenever I try to say anything, she immediately stifles me. I told her that if she wants to talk to me, I have to be free to say what I have to say even if it's something she doesn't want to hear. Her older sister says what she thinks, too, and my daughter goes from saying she loves her sister to saying she hates her because she is so rude. She's not rude, she's just saying what my daughter doesn't want to hear.

[nandm]

I would like to recommend a book that has been very helpful to me in my treatment of my bipolar disease:
The Bipolar Handbook by Wes Burgess. It is a very comprehensive easy to understand book that is written by a doctor specializing in the disease. There is also a thread here where I have put excerpts from the book it is called "Interesting Bipolar Facts". I wish you the best in your struggle

[suki44883]

Thanks, nandm, but she has Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bi-polar. Some of the symptoms are the same, but some aren't.

[Done_With_It]

She sounds very much like my step sister. My parents played this song and dance with her for years. I was in the mix with her for years as well, it got to be too much for me,
It was exhausting for my family as well, my step sister also had many suicide attempts
also though so that was part of it.

Nothing for her ended up helping until they went to the state and had her committed.
She went long term, and I believe she was made ward of the state. It wasn't something they wanted to do, but felt it was necessary to save her life, or give her a life.

Years later she is married now and has a life of her own, she doesn't have all the things she was diagnosed with, nor is she on all the meds she used to be on. She is def. BPD though.
Have you read, I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME?

That was her story, and what worked for her. I wish you well in whatever decisions you end up deciding for all of you.

[suki44883]

No, I haven't read it but I have heard of it. I think I'll go over to Barnes & Noble at lunch and get it. Thanks!

[nandm]

Misunderstood BPD as bipolar disorder.

Glad to see you are getting the book Done suggested.

I wish you the best with your situation.

[Isaiah]

This is a fabulous resource for BPD:

What is DBT | Behavioral Tech, LLC

I've just started DBT myself, and haven't experienced much of it yet, but Marsha Linehan is a fantastic expert, and her process has been proven far more effective than standard therapy for BPD.

Looks like Houston has a ton of resources, according to the website, as well as Austin.

I personally don't care much for "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" but it is pretty well known.

[suki44883]

I've seen that site, Isaiah and have read a lot about DBT however, I can't find any places in our area that practice it. We aren't close to Austin or Houston. I've called some places down around there, but none of them take Medicaid and we just don't have the financial resources to go to a private facility.