faking it

[maripoppins]

I tried to post something before, but got it in the wrong place and I don't think anyone saw it. I have had some help from the very nice people who answer email inquiries. I was told I did get 2 replies, but couldn't figure out where my post went or where to look for it.

I will try again. I learned about this site from a friend who is in recovery and she really likes it and has gotten a lot of support. I thought it was all about recovery from alcohol or drugs and didn't realize there was a place for those of us struggling with mental health issues.


I have been depressed all my life and I really envy my mom who died three years ago because she is finally free from her depression and anxiety. I know there is a hereditary component to all of this. I have tried medications in the past and they did seem to help. I don't even remember why I stopped taking them.

I had a doctor's appointment this past week and did bring up the idea of meds. I ended up down playing how I feel and she thinks my previous depresssion was "situational." I am always down. I have no energy and don't want to do anything.

I try hard to fake it when I am out in public at my job or synagogue. I join in some of the social action projects and others think I am just fine, but on the inside I am thinking I said stupid things, why would anyone want to be around me, I talked too much, (I do, I try to fill in silences with chatter and I hate that).

I feel so disconnected from the "real" world. I have no pictures or anything decorative in my house. I have a ton of family, but no pictures of anyone. I don't have any art, or knick knacks or posters or paintings or jewlery.

I have never bought any music and hate to listen to music. It gets inside my head and it hurts! Weird, I know. I feel like there is this constant chatter in my head, my inner dialogue that never stops.

My house is painted white, inside and out. The carpet is beige and the couches are beige and my life is beige.

It's like I am trying to stay disconnected from everything. I am even afriad to post this message because if someone does answer, I may have to open myself up to others.

Guess how many times I have started a post and deleted it??

[nandm]

Glad you found us. Welcome to SR and our mental health forum.

Depression can be effectively treated and people can lead pretty normal lives. But the key is partnering with your doctor and being your own advocate. What I have found works for me is to write everything down. There have been times when I have gone to the doctor and said "here is a list. I wrote everything down so I would not downplay or forget to tell it to you." What I have found is by being my own advocate the treatment I receive is something that I have a say in. My doctor listens when I say that the side effects of a medicine are more than I want to contend with, or when I say the medicine is working somewhat and maybe increasing it would help.

It may take you going to a psychiatrist to prescribe your mental health medicines. There is nothing wrong with a general practitioner. I have a lot of faith in mine. I choose to go to a psych doc for my mental health needs simply because I know that a psych doc is more likely to be up to date with the latest treatments since that is what they specialize in. I encourage you to read through the threads here at our forum as you may find you can relate to many of the people who have posted to them.

Hang in there as there is a solution....unfortunately it does take considerable work to find it sometimes. Glad you are here

[scott]

I'm glad you decided to post.

May I ask as to why you think you may have quit taken your medicine. I would say, from my experience with patients that non-compliance with medication is due to two major problems. Either the side effects are too much for the patient or the med just isn't working. If either of these is the case, there are so many options for you to be treated. I would definitely come clean to your doctor about how you really feel. I would strongly recommend seeing a psychiatrist (or PA or ARNP). There's all kinds of options for you. I was depressed my whole life until just in the past two months have I finally gotten my life together for the first time and I'm 24. It's never too late and you will be so happy when you do. Hope you get the info you need here.

[Bamboozle]

What nandm said.

Welcome to SR, maripoppins.

[historyteach]

Glad you made it back, Maripoppins!
I do hope you'll see a doctor and talk aabout this problem.
As Nandm said, depression is treatable today, and it would be a shame for you to throw your life away due to lack of treatment. Therapy and/or medication can work wonders. Contact your local mental health center, or get a recomendation from your primary care physician for a clinical social worker for therapy. Either your doc or a pdoc can prescribe meds if needed.

And do continue to come here and share. We care.

Shalom!

[maripoppins]

Thanks to those who took the time to reply to my first post. I don't know how this all works and so I just hit reply to thread and this is where I ended up. I may be replying to myself. Talking to myself...something I do a lot of anyway.
I stopped taking my meds because they worked and I felt better and convinced myself I didn't need them anymore.

It didn't take long before I was back down again. I had moved (across the country) and so would have had to find a new therapist and also didn't have insurance so there were several factors as to why I stayed out of treatment. I got so good at faking it I even convinced myself I was ok, but part of me knew I wasn't happy.

It has been about 8 years now. Time to start fighting the good fight again. Thanks for the encouraging words.

PS how do you use the smiley things? I managed to get one in my first post, but can't figure out how to get others to come up when I want them.

[historyteach]

Mari,
Glad you're ready to get to work on living the good life again!
And remember, we're here for you all the way!

To use the smilies, simply look above at all those funny symbols. One of them is a smilie face. Click on it and a bunch of them come down. You can get more by going to the bottom of that link and clicking again. And there's a bunch for every occassion!

Look for to seeing you again!

Shalom!

[maripoppins]

Ok, I posted a "reply" to the nice people who responded to my first post and I don't see it and have no idea how to carry on a "converstion" with anyone on this ste. I feel like such a loser. I will keep checking back and hope I can figure it out. It seems like so much work. This is why I avoid relationships in general. I am inept and a loser. Sorry to have wasted your time. Hope everyone is having a much better hour, day, life than I am
Mari

[Isaiah]

Faking it is sometimes the best we can do. I think I know exactly how you're going. I know sometimes I start feeling almost dishonest when I put on a nice front to the world. But all it is, is reaching out for a goal, it's acting towards a state of being that we want.

It's a big thing for those of us with problems to even fake it sometimes. So I commend you. Honestly, you (and I and others here) are doing a lot more than we might realize. And your message did the job of reminding me that my experience and yours has real connections. And I have to thank you for opening up. I just hope the replies to your post give you the same feeling.

:ghug

[mle-sober]

I think I am one of the people that replied to your original post. At least, I tried to. I can't find it now, either! (See!? It's not just you!)

Honey, you have a more brilliant, vivid, amazing, surprising life in front of you than you know. Truly. And you are taking steps, right now, to make it so. Noticing your unhappiness and your grief, recognizing the sorrow in your life, reaching out for more - all of that puts you onto a new path.

I am not saying it is going to be easy. But you haven't had anything easy so far, it seems to me. Growth is sometimes very scary. And painful. But as you stretch and reach, along with the pain comes a sort of waking up. That has been my experience.

I have had a pretty strange and difficult life. As have many others here. So, I think we mostly know what we speak about. And we can recognize a fellow traveler. You are one. Try not to fret about being here or using the technology or doing it right or whatever. You belong here and you are welcome and there are many here who will readily listen and respond. Because we know what it's like to be alone. To be sad. To struggle. And to reach out and hope for something different.

Your description of your life is so interesting to me. You are Mary Poppins - a vibrant, creative, surprising and magical character. And your life is "beige," and missing music. You are walking through life aware that you are faking it. Aware that your life is lacking magic. Your writing is vivid. Did you know that? The picture you paint with your words is so recognizable and so solemn and filled with sorrow - I feel like I know you.

Part of me knows you because I do a lot of faking it in my one life. I've been working with a therapist. That's been helping. She doesn't put up with much. She's helped me see that my faking it has been a protective mechanism. I was abused and neglected as a child. And I was raped as a young adult. I've carried around so much fear and sadness for so long. Just noticing that the whole first part of my life was spent trying to get out of the way of abuse and trying to pretend I was FINE, JUST FINE has helped me recognize that I'm not fine. And I have a right to say so.

I wonder if you've had therapy or considered it?

I have this vision of myself as a theatrical production. A play. In the front, on the stage, everything looks like it's running along smoothly. Behind the curtain, people are running around like mad, setting up scenery and applying makeup, etc. I would like to one day draw the curtain between the back the the front and have everything there together. Integrated. I don't know exactly what that is going to take. But that's my goal.

Stay here and keep posting. There is so much more to life than beige. Therapy and meds have helped me enormously. And SR has too. I know, for a fact, that it is possible for you to wake up to your life. To find more color. To feel more satisfied. And less of an imposter in your own life.

[historyteach]

Maripoppins
And all,

Here is the original post by Mari.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2160054 (My depression is getting ridiculous)
It was on another person's thread, which is why you had a problem finding it.

When you want to find old threads of someone else, go to their name and click on it.
Click on "find more posts by...." whomever.
And you'll come to a page with all their posts.

If it's your posts you want to find, do the same with your own name.
Or go to your user CP (control panel) and you can find them there too.

Hope this helps.

Shalom!

[karrotop]

hi marypoppins....you description of your life could be mine.....you are not alone.....i fake it alot at work,noone would ever know i was a depressed alchoholic.......sometimes,you just have to put on another face for all to see and do thngs,like go to work,and be around people...and pretend.i'd go to work for nine hours/day,and be my cheerful self.....only to rush home,open a bottle and cry myself to sleep.then,wake up,and start all over again.

My therapist says that your home is a reflection of YOU..if your walls are white and empty,that is how you see yourself....my walls are empty too.I also don't,"adorn" myself with makeup,jewelry,nail polish,etc.

I know where you are right now.....but it can change,if you want it to....you should talk to someone....a medical doc,get back on meds(they really do help...we both know this)AND see a counselor,a therapist,or anyone......For me,personally,i couldn't make any changes without the guidance of my therapist and doc.My therapist is the only person in this world that knows the REAL me.....and,let me tell you,it feels so good to be able to take off that,"mask" once a week and just be ME.

please keep intouch.....keep coming back here,it's a great place to share/vent your feelings without being judged....and go get some help...i bet your mom wouldn't want you feeling this way for another day....KT