Will my BP Ex-H Blame me FOREVER?

[Tiredofdrama1]

I have been divorced for 2.5 years after a 20 year marriage to a bi-polar man. The last 15 years of the marriage was pure rollercoaster. He was in denial about his behaviors, his needing treatment, and the facade of a marriage that we had.

To make a long, painful story much shorter than it was, we divorced. He enrolled in a college program to change career paths to counselling, which didn't last. He then quit his job and filed for SSDI, for which he is now approved for and receiving govt money. Fighting my co-dependent ways, I was eventually able to detach in order to save my own mental health. He had been on and off various meds for the past 20 years, but taking them intermittently and sometimes *deciding* that he didn't want them or like them, etc, etc. To his credit, after the divorce he found himself a psychiatrist and felt he was on a better path of medication.

But, even after this amount of time I am still the BRUNT of all his anger. I feel as though he will FOREVER blame me for his life and for no longer taking care of him. Every conversation with him is unpredictable, and so over the years I am always forced to have my defenses up.

I have searched on and off for quite some time to get help for myself and my kids for dealing with his illness/disease/behaviors, but I cannot seem to find places that address how those of us on this side can help protect ourselves emotionally from the rollercoaster. I have read all about co-dependency and understand about boundaries, etc....

But my question is more about him......is it possible for a bi-polar person, even when managing their illness, to take responsibility for his actions? His entire MO is being a victim and blaming everyone else for his plight. Is this simply the nature of the illness?

Thanks to anyone who can speak to this. I am having difficulty with protecting myself from him mentally, and also would like to be able to help my children (teenagers) understand and know how to deal with him. They already make comments like that "dad is like a child and we are the parents".

Thank you.

[historyteach]

Tired of drama,
I'm glad you're dealing with the issues of codependency. I hope that you'll teach your children that too, as they grow old enough to understand. (You don't say how old they are.)

Continue to keep up your boundaries. Make them simple and clear to him, and do not deviate from them. When he violates them, remove yourself from the situation immediately. Victim mode or not, he will learn what will be tolerated and what will not. And you'll be setting a fine example for your children too. they will learn how to set limits with love. For them, that's essential.

My ex is not bipolar, but, I have no doubt that he's an undiagnosed depressed man. His anger and his irritability and his irrationality can play havoc too. For too many years, we danced the dance of anger together. Today, I get off the floor. When it starts, I hang up. Of course, our son is now an adult, so, there is no longer much we have to deal with. That day will come for you too. It's not too far off. In the meantime, please try for your children. They will come to understand, one day.

Shalom!

[Astro]

Hello and welcome Tired, I can't add much more but wanted to point you in the direction of these websites for additional information and resources

Co-dependents Anonymous

FA Home

[readyforhelp]

Originally Posted by Tiredofdrama1

But my question is more about him......is it possible for a bi-polar person, even when managing their illness, to take responsibility for his actions? His entire MO is being a victim and blaming everyone else for his plight. Is this simply the nature of the illness?

It IS possible for a person with bipolar to take responsibility for her/his actions and many do. Irresponsibility is not the nature of the illness, may be the nature of the personality.

[Tiredofdrama1]

Thank you all for the responses.

History Teach...Yes, the boundaries. I am STILL learning after all these years that I have to KEEP my boundaries. I get continually sucked into "trusting" a certain behavior only to be disappointed the next day or hour or next time we communicate. For example, I am taking my kids on spring vacation & in an email he asked for details of where we'd be, etc. I willingly gave the info and in a subsequent email he even wished me (us) to have a good vacation.....it seemed genuine and friendly. But the very next day in a conversation when he was drilling me with more and more details he got angry with me and then verbally abused me. So, the unpredictability of his moods and behavior always ropes me back in. When he is decent and reasonable and rational I guess I tell myself that perhaps he is learning and making progress...but always when I think that I am quickly stabbed in the back yet again.

He is childlike in many ways, but even most children DO learn from the boundary setting. With my XH it's as though he doesn't learn from it. It's a constant game, back and forth, which is the nature of BP. Many, MANY times I have told myself to simply not have contact except for email but over time I seem to let my guard down. Again, as others suggest and I realize...this is my co-d nature and I am constantly working on that. I just get very frustrated and sad to realize that we may NEVER have even a reasonable, working relationship.

Readyforhelp, thanks for answering regarding the "character" issue. I could never conclude how this played into things with him. He comes from a family history of "victim mentality", so I am quite sure that his environment played a role. It all is so complicated and I am sure that I will never completely have answers. I want to understand it as much as possible in order to help my kids relate to him. It was necessary to end the marriage, IMO, because I could no longer justify staying in the situation and "teaching" my kids that it's ok to be treated that way...but I understand it's an ongoing process and it's my responsibility to teach my kids how to set their boundaries with him also. He does not vent on them or get nasty with them, however he has many manipulative behaviors. For example, telling them that they "better answer my calls and texts" on vacation (or else.......????). Strong arming them and "guilting" them into calling and keeping in contact with him. He apparently doesn't understand that down the road as soon as they don't "have" to call him or be him, they won't as a result of these manipulations. It's really sad...

Anyway, it's helpful to hear that it's his CHOICE to behave in such angry and hateful ways. My struggle has always been "is he unWILLING or unABLE"?? Maybe I can better keep my boundaries knowing that he does have the ability to understand his behaviors if he wants to.

Thanks again for the responses. I hurt for my kids and try so hard to help them understand "dad"...... I continually tell them that he loves them, and I try to explain that we can love him also, but that we do not have to accept unreasonable behavior.

Ugghhhh....thanks for letting me vent....