IT hit the fan tonight

[dor5711]

My son came home from a weekend away and totally blew when he saw I cleaned his room. He is 18, BP but off meds for the last 3 months and is using pot. His room was an absolute pigsty and since it is my house and I don't want ants or mice, I picked up all the stuff off the floor and on his desk. Put everything in boxes, etc. After he slammed into my room twice, I finally let him have it. However, before I even said anything I saw the anger -- fists clenched, holding his head and rocking. He had my daughter scared and in tears especially when he screamed at her to move her car so he could leave in his car. So he flew off in the car.........first time he has done that in anger. And I'm sure he is off to self medicate since the friends he was with this weekend aren't into that. So I guess I'll be up the whole night worrying.

Dor

[lunarise]

Dor,
I am so sorry, that must be really hard. Be kind to yourself and try not to worry yourself sick. HUG
Peace
Jaclyn

[SonofaMess]

I'm sorry you had a bad episode tonight. I hope you and your son will be better tomorrow.

[dor5711]

He hasn't come home so I'm just praying that God keeps him safe tonight.

[Done_With_It]

Oh gosh, I would be so happy if someone cleaned my room.

I hope you don't worry yourself to much. Those tantrums will
go a lot farther and farther for him when he sees that they
work on you.

When he gets no distance from them, when they stop working,
there is probably less of a chance he will use them.

I have a question, not one you have to answer of course, but
if he is 18...... not taking his meds, not cleaning his room,
inviting rats to nest, scaring your daughter enough to cry,
keeping you up to worry all night, and smoking pot,
how come you are allowing him to live with you?

Alot of the times in the midst of illness and adddiction
we don't change unless we are made to change.

JMO~

{{{.....}}}

[mamabin]

I had alot of problems with my son. Not drugs, but he's just different. He couldn't do simple things like clean his room. He didn't go to school. It caused alot of stress in our house. He decided to move in with my sister but I ended up throwing him out a week before he wanted to leave. It was hard. It's been a year now. I know he's learned alot and has hinted that he should have stayed but I'm not asking him to. His room was so bad when he left it took me 5 hours to clean it. There was wet mold growing in a small trash can. It was horrible. I still feel bad about it and a little guilty about the way he turned out. He's living at his father's house who is a crackhead. As far as I know, my son hasn't used. He's totally against drugs. I thought about him tonight and I hope he's ok. But I know how it hurts and I feel for you. I just can't be his enabler, as much as I want to.

[mamabin]

Do you know where he may have gone? Maybe by now he's calmed down and staying someplace for the night.

[nandm]

I do hope that things calm down for you. Done with it, has a good point about maybe considering other living options for your son. I had to send my two oldest children away to live with their grandmother when they were 15 and 16 due to their drug/alcohol use and refusal to follow any household rules as well as not attending school. It was a heartbreaking decision but it worked out for the best in the end. My oldest daughter is 24 now, has been drug free since she was 19. She has been back living with me and has held down a job at the same place since then. My other daughter went back and got her GED and started attending vet tech school. She is now pregnant with my first grandchild. I suspect she is still smoking pot and probably drinking although I do hope she isn't while she is pregnant but she knows how I feel about it and is respectful of my feelings. She still lives with her grandmother. My oldest daughter is BP II and does not take meds for it. One of the reasons she quit smoking pot was she finally realized that it had a very big negative impact on her bipolar disorder. Although she is determined not to have to take medicine she does recognize she has a mental disorder and knows that it is likely at some point she will have to accept medical help for it when it starts to have a negative impact on her life. Hang in there. You have a lot of support here at SR. Keep us posted on how things turn out.

[dor5711]

I did finally tell him tonight that if he can't follow the rules about drugs, then he will need to find someplace else to live. I don't know where he is now. There's just one friend who he may have gone to for the night. He desperately needs help for his illness. He was on meds until December and things were OK -- not perfect but tolerable. He took himself off them when he discovered pot. And it hasn't been good at all. He was so angry and hostile in January that I called a mobile crisis team from the Office of Mental Health who came and talked him out of his room and initiated a conversation between us. It got better for a little while but now it's worse. I may call them again tomorrow to get some info. Unfortunately, there is no one who would let him live there. My 85 year old mom could never handle it and I wouldn't let him stay there. His father won't deal with it either. One step at a time. I honestly feel he needs to be hospitalized for a while for evaluation, therapy and meds ... especially after tonight.

[dor5711]

3:30 in the morning and I just returned from the friend's house to see if he is there. Yes, he was. I'm glad he is safe but what will tomorrow bring? We can't go on like this. I hate to "kick" him out since he does have an illness. I guess I'll be making some calls tomorrow and try to figure it out.

[nandm]

Although your son is not an alcoholic, I believe that ALANON might be helpful to you. It provides us with the tools to maintain sanity in the insanity of drug or alcohol abuse. A mental illness can also cause that same insanity in our lives. One of the hardest things to do is to realize that we can not fix our children no matter how hard we try and no matter how much we love them. One really hard lesson for me to learn is "I may have contributed to my children's problems but their solutions have to come from them". As an alcoholic I created many of my children's problems in life. I tried for many years to fix them and then felt guilt, pain and felt like a failure when I was unable to fix them. Although my children are not alcoholic, I went to ALANON and was given the tools to help them by helping myself. I was of no use to them when I built up resentments and pain when they would not respect my rules and hated seeing them in pain. I had to learn how to let go of that. By doing so ultimately I gave them the gift of responsibility for their lives and actions. Please consider giving ALANON a try. It may not be for you but it also might be just what you need to see you through this tough time.

[dor5711]

I've done a few alanon meetings. My ex BF was an alcoholic. Was sober for 17 years and 5 years after I met him, he started drinking again. The last 2years were the worst. I finally kicked him out for good a year ago and he still can't get sober. I learned alot from that and I knew I wasn't going to let anyone do it to me again. However, this is my 18 year old son so it's very difficult. But I'd rather him be alive to hate me now. I don't know what I'm going to do today. I'm not going into work on only 1 hour sleep so I will make some plans. Maybe he can stay at the friend's house for a few days if not more. Any which way, minute by minute

D

[dor5711]

My son has been "gone" for a week now. He is staying at a friend's house. He called and asked if he could come home and I told him he was welcome as long as he agreed to get back on meds and get help. I had the crisis team person from the Office of Mental Health ready to come here when J agreed. Last night I get a call from my ex husband. He spoke to J and J has a plan that he and another friend are going to get an apartment together and they already found one but there is a 2 week wait and he can't continue to stay at the friend's house so he wants to stay here. He will agree to the conditions. OK...let me see if I have this straight.....he will agree to go to a clinic, get back on his meds and be monitored and get counseling......FOR TWO WEEKS! And then he will go on his merry way and forget all about it. So my life will be in an uproar again, I will again have to police him, he will once again bring his pot into my house all so that he gets his way. NO NO NO I won't do it to me or my daughter. J is manipulating his dad and getting him to enable him big time. So let J stay at his dad's house. I don't agree about the apartment but that's not even the issue here. J doesn't believe he needs help....but he will do whatever he has to in order to get his way. I plan on calling the mental health guy and giving him the update and getting his take on it but I think I'm right.

D

[zoomer]

thanks for the thread! I have a 22 year old bi-polar son who just got off a manic faze. He was so out of it that he was burning himself with a lighter and ciggys. He took a medical leave at school and is now living with us. He was on seroquel 300 mg,but will not take it because he said it makes him even worse. My husband his St Dad does not want him here,but my son has no place to go. I just wanted you to know that your not alone. I have no idea what to do either. He needs public help sence we cannot afford to have him on our insurance. Your lucky to have back up with the medical team.

[Conky77]

I don't know what state you live in (or Zoomer), but here in Florida, there is a thing called Baker Act. You can call the police, and they will send an ambulance and a police man out if you feel like someone is a danger to you or themselves. It sounds like in these two situations, a Baker Act would be called for. When someone is Baker Acted, they are taken to a county hospital and physically evaluated, then transported to a Baker Act facility where they are given around the clock care, evaluations with a psychiatrist daily, group therapy, individual therapy, and of course MEDS. I've been Baker Acted myself MANY times because I was off my med's and out of control. I've never heard of Baker Act in any other states but Florida, but you might want to try and look it up on the net. It sounds like both your sons need some sort of in patient stay for a while to get on track with the right meds. Baker Act is a great way to do that.

[BKP]

Dor,
I acted this way when i was his age, sh*t most of college also. Once someone is hooked on their way it is wrong to judge them even though i see your side. 18 is a scary age (here i am talking like i am old i am only 29) anyway the best thing to do is support them, they will say they don't need it but when they breakdown and know you are always with them and offering help they will figure out a way. Hope i helped.