Verbal abuse....

[justsomegirl]

Hi all! Its been a while since I have posted. My husband has got his drug and achohol problems in check for the time and is in councilling. I just cannot deal with his moods. He is so verbally abusive at random times. While I know its not nice to name call, at least while its done in an argument you know it is in anger and an apology usually follows. However, mean comments while getting along is so hurtful. We rarely argue and when we do it is usually while he is using weed or drinking which he hasnt been. Here is my drama. We are going to an out of town concert next month and I was on the phone for quite a while booking a hotel room when he loudly tells me to be quiet. Then he tells me he has to leave the room. I asked him what was wrong and he said Iwas soo annoying that he had to leave the room. He couldnt listen to me anymore and I was acting like a highschooler talking on the phone. I felt deflated, embarassed and angry. I was trying to find hotels that are pet friendly and decent and near the concert. I wasnt gossiping or talking about Brad Pitt! This isnt the first time he has told me I was annoying so it really hurts. This is just tonights words and it is minor compared to other things he says to me.He calls me the C word when I havent even really done anything to deserve words that harsh. I told him he was being selfish about something and he called me a C. Anyways, I think that because we were getting along so well today and I was excited about making these plans that I am feeling sensitive to his words. Is this even verbal abuse? Thanks for letting me vent.

[Angelic17]

Sounds like verbal abuse to me. The C word?? I left a man who used that word, and am now married to a good man who would never speak to me that way. When someone puts you down and calls you names it is usually something about themselves that they don't like. It's up to you not to allow it though. Maybe you should speak to his counselor and find out how to difuse that. Good luck and God Bless you. I hope it works out good for you. :praying People will only treat you as bad as you will allow them to. Simply walk away when he is hurtful and mean.

[justsomegirl]

I am learning to walk away when the words start...but I am a very slow learner in this aspect. I often want him to say something "nice" to make up for what he just said so I keep at it. I just keep wondering how I can be soo happy one minute then so sad the next because of his words. I feel like I base my happiness on his mood at the moment. I wish I could just ignore his words.

[justsomegirl]

Reading my posts I see how lame I sound...

[Eroica]

Sounds like verbal abuse to me. You don't sound lame at all. Verbal abuse, I would say, is very under-reported. Just as no one has the right to hit you, no one has a right to put you down. No one is a c***t. Its only used in instances to make women feel bad. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[yeahgr8]

Sounds liek he is considering you ana annoyance in his early sobriety and he resents you for being there. You need to have a talk to him and he needs to talk to his counseller about why he is feeling this towards you. This is just my opinion but this may be because you were there when he was using and drinking and he cannot reconcile why you did not help him more in his mind and if you could not help him back then and he had to do the recovery bit by himself why should you be there now? Of course having someone around is better than having no-one or so we all think in lots of different situations, not just addicition, so you need to do something for you and it may be worth checking out the family and friends section on SR:-)

C**t i have probably used that about a dozen times in earhsot of my exgf, probably a few aimed at her but in a different room then complete remource and saying sorry i should not have used that word. It's a very bad word for a man to use directly to a woman and any man knows this, no exceptions.

Of course it is verbal abuse there is no worse word he can be using!! If he is not apologising staright after using that sort of language at you it doesn't look exactly rosy for the future IMO.

[historyteach]

First, let me say that the use of the c word directed at you is indeed verbal abuse. There are no two ways about it. It's vulgar and it is meant to diminish and demean you.

You do not deserve it. No woman does.

Originally Posted by justsomegirl

I am learning to walk away when the words start...but I am a very slow learner in this aspect. I often want him to say something "nice" to make up for what he just said so I keep at it. I just keep wondering how I can be soo happy one minute then so sad the next because of his words. I feel like I base my happiness on his mood at the moment. I wish I could just ignore his words.

Your words are not lame at all. But, they do indicate another issue -- Codependency.

I strongly recommend Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. You can get it easily on Amazon.com for a very low price. It's well worth it. (I get no royalities from this endorsement, LOL!)

Please know, no vacation, no concert, no fancy lifestyle is worth the consequence that comes with verbal abuse. Because there is no physical evidence manifest, many people minimize the extent of the damage done by it. But, verbal abuse kills the spirit. The victim becomes only a shell of the person she once was. And too often, it does escalate into physical abuse once the victim is isolated and emotionally defenseless. And it doesn't need to happen.

There are resources around to help. Call your local police station. Ask for the number of a Domestic Violence Shelter. They can help in many different ways. In the very least, you will know your options.

And I agree with the poster above. Please do visit the friends and family of substance abuse forum here on SR. Here's the link:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are many good people there.

I would also recommend alanon or naranon face to face program. Finding a sponsor and working the steps will do you a world of good in knowing your boundaries and keeping them while you live with an addict.

I wish you luck. I hope you'll let us know how it's going. We care.

Shalom!

[mamabin]

Sounds like abuse to me. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 13 years. By the end of my marriage, I didn't know who I was or even what I wanted. Getting away from him was the worst thing I've had to do but it has made me who I am. I was shocked when my therapist told me that I had to realize I had been emotionally abused from day one. It's hard when nobody sees it, because he knew how to isolate me from everyone.

I'm sure there's alot more to your story so who am I to say. All I know is that it felt like my soul was a stone and he just chipped away at it until there was nothing left.

The husband I have now is different, but I can say that those words would be relationship ending. Period. I bought Codepent No More, as well as Beyond Codependency. I highlighted everything that touched me. It sure was an eye opener. I wish I knew where that book went. It would be interesting now to see what I highlighted.

I took a note pad and wrote down everything he did that hurt me. I still have it. I am not that person anymore and it kills me to see other women in that position, knowing they don't even know they're being manipulated.

I'd rather be punched in the face than emotionally abused. At least I would have gotten some support that way.

[least]

There is a codependancy the Newcomers Daily Support forum.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cy-beyond.html (Codependency and Beyond)

Hope this can give you a little help and perspective on codependency.

And yes, I agree, it's verbal abuse and you don't deserve it.

[justsomegirl]

Its been a while since I have been here...I find I come here when I am feeling lonely. My husband is doing really well these days and i find I am the one who is now not doing so well. I drink more and more often and just tonight I actually rumaged around the house looking for any alcohal or drugs. I am NOT a drug user. I was out of wine and wanted something to numb me...to make me go to bed for the night. I was looking for weed, nothing hard core but I shocked myself when I stopped and realized what I was doing.

I did buy Codependant no more...great book. I also started a journal as so many people suggested. I wonder if this has happened to others...once my hausband got his act together, I stopped worrying about him and started looking at me...at what I have been through and how I feel and it sucks! My life sucks. He has gone back to University making all kinds of new fancy University friends and he has no time for me...i think he has forgotten all about me. Geezz... I am still whining!!! I think he was right...I can never be happy. I think I might be in a slump, possibly hormaonal. Hopefully this passes and I am embarresed for myself in the morning. Thanks for letting me vent!

[christin1225]

Originally Posted by justsomegirl

My husband is doing really well these days and i find I am the one who is now not doing so well. I drink more and more often and just tonight I actually rumaged around the house looking for any alcohal or drugs. I am NOT a drug user. I was out of wine and wanted something to numb me...to make me go to bed for the night. I was looking for weed, nothing hard core but I shocked myself when I stopped and realized what I was doing.

He has gone back to University making all kinds of new fancy University friends and he has no time for me...

Girl, please get to an Al-Anon, Nar-Anan, AA/NA or some other twelve-step group and make some supportive friendships of your own!

I don't know a lot about codependency (though I suspect that I have a few if not many of the traits), but I know well the story of living with someone addicted and then becoming the one in full-blown active addiction. But, unlike you, I went hardcore: opiates.

I didn't start using in response to my husband's recovery. His addiction is to porn and he's only abstained at various times when I've confronted him, but has by no means ever been recovered at any time. Therefore, all the typical addict-traits are there (the self-centeredness and the immaturity, the inability to apologize, and, what started me reading this thread, his anger -- ie verbal abuse).

If you're looking to ingest chemicals to solve your problems, you are in dangerous territory. When I first picked up the opiates, I didn't consider myself an addict. That's why I thought that I could use them temporarily to make the insanity go away. Now, I realize that I was always an addict. What I thought was normal drug use and drinking in my teenage years, was not.

Co-dependency anonymous, NA, AA, overeaters anonymous, Al-Anon, or Nar Anon are all fellowships based on the 12 steps. I encourage you to find one where you feel the most comfortable. If you don't, I'm afraid that your options will dwindle and you'll find that you most identify in the rooms where we say, "One is too many and a thousand is never enough."