this is why (venting.. first real post.. long time chatter)

[aminal]

the depression and anxiety, and grief of losing my mom are eating away at me, that no matter what i do, nothing relieves it until i get high or drunk. not meds (in prescribed doses) not shrinks, not counseling. im so lost and pathetic. im trying, and i keep failing. im tired of this. sorry for venting. i tend to self harm when things get too hard and im beginning to wonder if this isnt an extension of that.

[serenityqueen]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. I lost my Dad almost 2 & 1/2 years ago and my sister back in '91. I could hear the pain in your thread.

You mentioned shrinks, have you seen a psychologist or psychiatrist? In order for me to let go of the pain, I had to talk about it. I had been in Recovery when my Dad passed away, but when my sister did, I was full blown in my addiction. I held on to all of those feelings, except acting out in negative, self destructive ways for many years. I couldn't begin to grieve in the healthy way until I got clean and sober and talked, talked, talked about it.

Have you ever seen a Psychiatrist to see if you do have any depression or anxiety that some meds may help?

I'll keep you in my Prayers and again, I'm sorry about your Mom,
Judy

[historyteach]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
And I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly.
It's difficult...
Yet, it is part of the circle of life.
As we all recognize.

Please talk to your doctor again.
Print out your post and give it to him/her.
let them know exactly how difficult it is for you.
Help *is* available.
Let us know how it goes, after you talk to your doc.
We care.

Shalom!

[aminal]

Thank you both for your replies....

Serenityqueen Im sorry you know where I'm coming from.... I've been to both psychiatrists and psychologist. Talking about it has never seemed to get anywhere, and I just end up abusing the pills from the psychiatrist eventually..

Ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety... Ive been on 7 different meds with nothing making much of a difference, no anti-depressants do anyway... except benzos for anxiety and panic attacks, which make me more depressed and so i abuse them anyway. How awful am I?

Thank you both. I still feel very lost. Im scared to look for help again, it seems easier to continue this path of addiction and destruction but i know i cant.. its like i am being pulled in different directions. Sorry for ranting.