A reason to die

[Poetica]

I’ve never had a good reason to die until now. I couldn’t kill myself even though my so-called loved ones selfishly left me in pain, their behavior doesn’t justify me being selfish. Then there’s Buddha and enlighten but to gain enlightment I’d have to disconnect from earthly desires but I couldn’t because I’m so miserable. Next, utter confusion made me want answers but questions equaled infinity. New discovery would only raise more questions so the only solution was death. When dead, there’s no questions so there’s no need for answers so death was the solution but I still couldn’t die. My theory was confusion so I had to live to make since of it all but now I have reason. I thought the world is over populated and humans have no right to over populate. People need to die and I’m the way that I am because I’m meant to die. Suicide is natural and is needed and that’s why whales beach themselves. Suicide and other forms of death is a way to thin out the masses to insure survival. Defying nature by prolonging life disturbs the natural balance. Death is life’s complement and must be embraced. I was denied death by people who didn’t understand that death shouldn’t be prevented. My pain and mental disorders clearly show that I was made this way by nature in hope that I’d die. Moreover, not all weaken animals die but the majority will and I must except that. Can you see sensibility in my thinking?

[Juls]

Poetica,

I actually can see the logic in your thinking, because I have thought the same way. However, animals and human beings do not follow the same laws. People do not have a built in self-destruct mechanism in order to thin out the population.

I do not believe that you were mmade that way by nature so you can die. When you were born you were a perfectly made human being. The pain and mental disorders came later.

Suffering is part of the human condition, and some of us suffer more than others. Children that live in areas where food and medical care are not readily available can suffer greatly, and die from starvation and illness, but that does not mean they were born for that to happen to them.

The world that we live in is far from perfect, and your suffering and sharing of that suffering can actually help another person going through the same thing. When you reach out like you have today you give someone the opportunity to reach back. It may not make your suffering easier, but you are not alone.

Please keep posting here and talking to us so we can help you.

Juls

[phoenix]

You sound as if you are in midst of a severe depression.I've been there myself,and have wanted to die.Life has looked so bleak,that I could see no light and no hope at all.I was very fortunate to get treatment that was effective.In a matter of weeks the dark clouds began to lift and my thinking became clearer.I know that trying to get help can be frustrating.It can take time to find the right balance.But depression IS highly treatable.There is hope.

I hope you will give yourself a chance.I did.And today I have a good life,and a wonderful ten year old son who needs me very much.You see,his father died after a two year battle with lung cancer.His death could not be prevented,and when it came it was a blessed release from pain and suffering that could not be healed.

As much as I once believed that I should die...I was wrong.It was not time.I don't know you,but I hope you will take steps to at least try to find healing.Death is such a permanent thing,and problems are sometimes only temporary.Keep posting here and give yourself another chance.

phoenix

[Poetica]

Ok, what I wrote did sound depressing but at the time I thought it was logical and clever. I mean how many times have we all heard a nature channel personality explain how the cruel death of an animal was the law of nature? I just applied the law to humans.

I wonder if my logic is the logic of an intelligent but profoundly disturbed individual. Why didn’t I see what you guys and my boyfriend saw? Why was I so quick to put humans on the level of animals without giving thought to the complications of the human mind? I fancy myself thoughtful but my thoughts have gotten more complicated and more confusing. I can’t clearly distinguish between right and wrong and that scares me.

I need therapy but part of me fears treatment. I’ve been sick for so long that I wonder who I’ll be without my illness? My eccentric behavior is my trademark so will treatment mean death to crazy cool me?

[Juls]

Poetica,

It is part of the human condition that see ourself is next to impossible. Your sickness so far has been your life, why should you want to give up without knowing what will take its place. This is where trust comes in, and the need for a very good qualified therapist. Give the process a chance.

Juls

[Lilya]

Poetica,

I know it´s hard to believe right now, but you seem to be in a deep depression and when in that state, we find plenty of good reason to die. Please remember that you´re seeing life as it worst, through dark glasses. Life has dealt you these cards - the depressive illness, and your life depends on playing these cards to the best of your abilities and make a better life for yourself. We seem to loose our instinct to preserve our life, but this changes as the depression lifts.

Here are some thoughts on this illness that might interest you from Moring Glory´s power post on frequently asked questions about depression.


Q. How can I help myself get through depression on a day-to-day basis?

On a day-to-day basis, separate from, or concurrently with therapy or
medication, we all have our own methods for getting through the worst
times as best we can. The following comments and ideas on what to do
during depression were solicited from people in the
alt.support.depression newsgroup. Sometimes these things work,
sometimes they don't. Just keep trying them until you find some
techniques that work for you.

* Write. Keep a journal. Somehow writing everything down helps keep
the misery from running around in circles.

* Listen to your favorite "help" songs (a bunch of songs that have
strong positive meaning for you)

* Read (anything and everything) Go to the library and check out
fiction you've wanted to read for a long time; books about
depression, spirituality, morality; biographies about people who
suffered from depression but still did well with their lives
(Winston Churchill and Martin Luther, to name two.

* Sleep for a while

* Even when busy, remember to sleep. Notice if what you do before
sleeping changes how you sleep.

* If you might be a danger to yourself, don't be alone. Find people.
If that is not practical, call them up on the phone. If there is no
one you feel you can call, suicide hotlines can be helpful, even if
you're not quite that badly off yet.

* Hug someone or have someone hug you.

* Remember to eat. Notice if eating certain things (e.g. sugar or
coffee) changes how you feel.

* Make yourself a fancy dinner, maybe invite someone over.

* Take a bath or a perfumed bubble bath.

* Mess around on the computer.

* Rent comedy videos.

* Go for a long walk

* Dancing. Alone in my house or out with a friend.

* Eat well. Try to alternate foods you like ( Maybe junk foods) with
the stuff you know you should be eating.

* Spend some time playing with a child. (ther is more)

I try to smile with the right corner of the mouth. By that you stimulate the side of your brain who is making you depressed.

Let us know how you feel.

Use adversity

[Mamabear]

Dear Poetica,
I know what you mean when you say "I wonder who I'll be without my illness." Think of it in a different way. Treating your illness will help you reveal more and more of whp you are and that may be a pleasant surprise. You are much more than your illness.
I wish you peace,
Mamabear.

p.s. Lilya, Your post is so helpful and so wise.

[Don W]

Poetica, I just saw your post. I have to leave work so I'll post more Friday. I have thought and acted on the very thoughts you speak of. In my case I really felt I was helping others. I now see
my death by suicde would only compound the problems. We deserve to be happy. However, in manny cases past experinces dictate our thoughts about ourselvers. The fact that you are talking
about it is helping you and us that feel the same as you do. So, that meens you are need by us on these boards. You not being here would make a difference--- a sad difference. It will be painful
but, you can come out of this with a different
outlook of hope and happiness. Hang in there.
Don W