18 year old son needs help

[dor5711]

Hey all! I need help. My 18 year old son has had anger and mood swings for years. It was manageable until he was in 7th grade and he was first diagnosed with ADD and when after a year the meds weren't cutting it, then the psych doc said bipolar and put him on risperdal. That worked OK until about 18 months ago and then he switched him to Lamictal which seems to work great. But being a now 18 year old, he has his own agenda. He did one semester at the community college and didn't do great plus he desperately needs some counseling to help with stress, etc. His dad and I sat down and talked to him about it and we thought we had a plan until he changed it on us again. He doesn't need any F*** counseling and he isn't taking the F*** meds anymore. Then we found evidence of pot and I confronted him with that and bad went to worse. He is angry, sullen, depressed and doesn't leave his room except for work and to go out with friends. He has not taken the meds for at least 2 weeks or more now. He has completely shut me out and totally ignored my no drugs in the house rule. He is flaunting it cos he thinks I won't do anything anyway. His dad and I plan to attempt to talk to him tonight about the drugs and the rules of the house. The bottom line is that if he doesn't get help and follow the rules of the house, he will need to find somewhere else to live. But the problem is getting him to listen to anything we say. So any suggestions? His dad and I are divorced but we are united in this.

D

[mxchaos]

If your rule is no drugs in the house then as hard as it's going to be he needs to leave. I have bipolar and have acted like your son but in the end I need to learn to take my meds and not do drugs in order to live a good life. Took me a long time but I get it now.

good luck and stick to the rule

[historyteach]

Don't say it unless you mean it and are really prepared to follow through with it.
And you don't have to say it mean.

It's a tough place you're in. I know from first hand experience.
I wish you the best and I"m very glad to hear that the two of you are both united in this together. It could be much worse.

Shalom!

[dor5711]

We attempted to "talk" with him tonight. Had to go upstairs since he refused to come down. Gave us about a minute so obviously nothing got said as far as rules and consequences. Then shut the down on the x's foot and when we tried to continue talking started yelling F off. I did talk to him 2 weeks ago and posted rules on his door about drugs and consequences so I took out the cable box tonight. He had left the house. I needed to follow thru on something. He is so angry, hostile and out of control. I'm afraid what he might do. The ex husband and I have an appt with the therapist tomorrow and the ex is going to make some phone calls to hospitals to see what we can do since we truly believe he is a danger to himself. How do you solve anything or set boundaries when he refuses to listen to anything?

[dor5711]

And the bottom line is living elsewhere......the ones in between are no TV, internet, cell phone, no bedroom door and then living elsewhere. So I did Consequence #1 tonight.

[mxchaos]

I'm glad your seeking help sometimes we have no clue how sick we are and need someone to help us out.
you're doing a great job keep it up

[historyteach]

It sounds like he's already over the edge - either through drugs or his menal illness, (Which none of us can tell from over the net). Since it is so extreem already, what is your timeline for these consequences? You've done #1; when is #2 going to fall?

I'm so sorry for your pain. I honestly do know what you're dealing with.
I pray the two of you continue to hold a united front for your son's sake.
Have you been to our friends and faimlies of addicts forum? You'll find lots of support there too. I urge you to go to some alanon or naranon meetings and get some face to face support too. You'll find plenty in NY; they are listed online. These meetings literally saved my life at a time I thought I was going crazy because of the chaos brought about by my son's addiction and mental illness.

Stay strong. Know that this is an illness. You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it. But, you can cope with it. And you can detach from the chaos with love.

Continue to post. We are here for you. We care.

Shalom!

[dor5711]

Believe it or not, I just went through this all with my ex significant other who lapsed after 16 years of sobriety. I tried to do all I could for over 2 years and finally kicked him out. He persisted in contacting me, we tried to reconcile but he still wasn't sober and the last straw came in August and that was it for good. Showed up at my house only a month ago and I called the police. So I know all the terms, the enabling stuff, etc. I actually learned alot from that experience but never expected to have to use my knowledge on my kid. I honestly don't think the drugs have been going on for too long. I think the BP is what is really causing his anger and hostility. We do have an appt with the therapist tonight and I hope she has some help and guidance for us. I will ask her about when I should do consequence #2. I'm also very afraid of pushing him way over the edge but then again if that happens, then maybe he can get help. There was no response from the TV being taken away yet. But he could retaliate today by doing some childish act like leaving the door open when he leaves, opening all the windows when he leaves or stopping up the drain....all of which has happened within the last week.

[hydrogirl]

Oh dor....I'm so sorry to hear it, but do have a bit empathy. My BFs son is nearly 30 years old, nearly died of alcohol use over the summer, and is now using crack. In this fine state in which we live, my BF can't just send him packing, but has to "evict" him as if he were on a month-to-month lease. There have been some truly ugly scenes when boundaries were placed and consequences occurred (this young man has threatened to kill nearly everyone in his family).

You sound as though you and his father are doing a great job keeping the front united (addicts are good at the divide and conquer tactics). Keep it up the good work and file a protective order if he becomes truly violent!

Hugs and best wishes! HG

[SugarScars]

I can relate quite a lot to your story ... I used to be very similar to your son. I, too, was diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorders Type I & Type II, Anxiety, Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I've come to believe that I have the syndrome of addiction. Not everyone agrees with me, but I believe that when you have this syndrome, you are an emotional manipulator, ungrateful for what you have, and who you have, angry at others, yourself and the world, hateful, depressed, scared and stagnant In addition, you can be petty, vindictive and spiteful in varying degrees.

The only way to heal from this syndrome is to become grateful for what you have, like NA, AA, various religions and psychologists tell us. It's the truth. Until you become grateful and appreciative of what you have, you will hold onto a great deal of hostility and bitterness, even when it is not to your benefit to do so. Until I experienced this phenomenon myself, I couldn't believe it was true.

I needed to try making it on my own before I realized that my parents were a godsend: that they loved me, that I loved them; furthermore, that I wouldn't have made it WITHOUT them. Until I had an epiphany regarding our relationship, I blamed my parents for ALL of my problems. They weren't there enough, they didn't love me enough, or the right way, or at the right time, or they loved me too much and spoiled me. Whatever the case, I thought I HATED them. It took some time away from them, WITHOUT their "help", for me to realize just how precious that "help" was, and how much they really did love me.

I had to break free from my parents: a lot of my rebelling was me, in some kind of backward way, trying to take responsibility for my own life. I couldn't do it, though. I WAS spoiled. Once I finally gave in, though, and admitted that I couldn't do it all alone, I began to become more independent and productive.

I couldn't be happier with my folks now. Years ago, while I was in the middle of screaming at them, you would never have thought I'd say this. My folks and I NEVER (and I mean NEVER!) fight like we used to. We barely fight at all.

My advice, from someone who's been there, only on the other side: Make him leave the house, unless he will follow your rules. Disrespecting you is ALWAYS unacceptable and will ALWAYS be punished. Be consistent. If you say that you will do something, DO IT. Don't let him think that you are lying to him. Also, don't train him to ignore you. If you tell him to do something, and he does not do it, NO SECOND CHANCES. You know he heard you the first time; he just chose to ignore you. Ignoring you is disrespectful, and should be properly corrected.

Good luck. I've watched my parents parent for YEARS: it's TOUGH. I don't envy you your position. Part of being a parent, though, is doing the right thing - even when it's very hard.

Don't give up - or give IN!

Hugs,
Sugar

[dor5711]

Just came from the therapist. We're giving him the deal tomorrow that either he comes downstairs and talks or the door comes off the hinges. To get it back he needs to take his meds, talk only 5 minutes daily to me, get once a week counseling and NO DRUGS. And if he refuses to do any of those things, he will be told to leave the house. Whew! The therapist also thinks he has many signs of Aspergers and would like him to get a full psych and neuro. That won't happen anytime soon. Drug testing will also be in the mix if he continues to live here. He has taken total control of me and the house and it will stop now! As much as my heart breaks, I'd rather him hate me than be dead.

Thanks,
D

[historyteach]

Good luck to you, and G*D bless.

Shalom!

[dor5711]

My x tried to talk to him again last night before we gave him the choice that he either talk or his bedroom door will come off. Said it, posted it on his door and slipped it under the door. If he does decide to talk, then other things will rapidly follow like taking his meds and in a few days counseling will be added. And of course the no drugs policy. That is also what he will need to do in order to get his door back. I don't know what he will do. Does anyone know anything about mobile crisis teams? I have a number that I need to call today. The x seems to think that these people will come to the house and talk to him.

Thanks
D

[dor5711]

We are having the mobile crisis unit from the county mental health office come tomorrow morning. THey will come to the house and attempt to assess my son while trying to talk and get him back on his meds, etc. It's a step - hopefully in the right direction. We are very afraid that if we take the door off, he will flip out. We did not give him a time limit on that happening so we'll see what happens tomorrow with the unit. Whew!

[historyteach]

It's good you're being proactive. And it's great that you have a mobile crisis team that can be there for you! If he flips, there will be someone there who can assess and make medical decisions.

I'm glad you're not letting your fears stop you from your plans. Too often we allow the addicted person to hold us hostage because of those fears. You've set a great example of following through with your plan, while being prepared.

Please do let us know how it goes. We care.

Shalom!

[dor5711]

Thank you for your support. Unfortunately, I went through over 2 years of hell before I kicked out my significant other for good because he relapsed after 16 years sober and just couldn't get back on track. Believe me, I supported him both financially and emotionally, visited more hospitals, detoxes, psych hospitals and rehabs that I ever believed I would and also enabled him for far too long. I learned alot from that experience and I refuse to let my son hold me hostage now. I can't make a 50 year old man get sober but you better believe I will do anything I can to knock my 18 year old on the head and make him realize he needs his meds and life doesn't have to be so unhappy. I hope this is the first step. Think of us at 11:00!

Dor

[liesagain]

thinking of you and your son..........hope all is well check in when you can!

[dor5711]

It went well. I think the guy scared the crap out of J. He told him if he didn't talk to him then he would take him to the hospital. J wants to continue smoking pot cos he likes it, he is very angry at his dad and I and refuses to take his meds. The guy from the crisis team was very calm and spoke to him for quite a while. He got him to come downstairs and have a dialog with us. He told J that isolating himself is not normal or healthy. I told J I cannot control what he does outside the house and I do worry about him smoking and driving, etc..However he may not ever bring it into the house because then he is putting me and his sister in jeporady. I think he got that. I also told him I would try very hard not to overreact but I'm not perfect. We plan on having at least a 5 minute conversation every day with the timer and J did stop when the timer went off.

So I'm not as scared but of course I am still worried. The crisis team guy really wanted J to go to a clinic once a week or more where he could get counseling and monitor his meds, etc. and j refused. He said to call him if he changes his mind and he will get him in immediately. So all in all, it was a really good thing and I am very glad we called them. Baby steps but as long as it's in the right direction, that's fine.

D