devastation

[texasmamacita]

devastated and hopeless, sad, angry, hate and rage pain deep in my gut i want to die.
feelings i can't control.
schizoaffective bipolar addict.
lost my job, symtoms are making it too hard to work now. have to sell my house. applied for food stamps today. i'm filling out social security forms for disability. 4 hospitalzations this year, one because of a suicide attempt.
checked myself in couple weeks ago. 1 week stay, changed meds a little.
who i thought was my "it" , this boy broke up with me while i'm in the hospital. i was so depressed before that hospital stay i started skipping meetings not calling sponser. i started using again. crack. it did make me feel better. i am still using. i cut 2 days ago, and i want to do it more.
hairstylist 15 years, clients are calling-i haven't called back. i don't know what to say. why do i let myself fall in love, they always leave. i'm so pissed off that i let that happen again. i love him so much. no one except my na group knows i relasped. don't know if i can get unemployment-if ssd is approved, i think it takes 6 mo. to a year. i'll be homeless.......sorry i just had to get this out. my mom and brother are the only reasons i can't kill myself. but i think about it daily, always have.

[Lilya]

Texasmamacita,

You´re not alone. I know the suicidal feelings all too well but now is not the time to lose control. You are depressed and stressed out because of overwhelming things happening in your life and you alone can make it better.

Try to organize your life. It will empower you. Small steps, OK? Just one thing a day. Make it your priority to contact your doctor and your sponsor and then go to meetings. Take it from there.

When you say you´ll be homeless, remember it´s your depression speaking. You see yourself at your worst. Don´t let the disease get a death grip on you. Take it one step at a time and call your sponsor and your doctor.

Let me know how you´re doing,

Love and light,

Use adversity

[Juls]

Texasmamcita,

If you are feeling suicidal please call your crisis or suicide prevention line now. You are in a very fragile position with all these things going on, and all these emotions coming up to overwhelm you.

As Lilya said, "you are not alone," but you do need help. Get back in touch with your sponsor. If you are cutting again, and feeling suicidal at the same time, you are at high risk. We don't want to see anything bad happen to you o.k.?

Stop using and get to a meeting. Don't let this disease drag you down. You are better than it is.

Juls

[texasmamacita]

i lost my courage to post back. i feel so weak. i have been practicing insanity.
doing the same,hoping for different results, but i know better.
not much has changed. i went back to my home group one time a couple of weeks ago. disappeared again.
i just feel overwhelmed.........mentall illness, addiction, finances, abandonment
issues. i know this is self dxing- but i've researched BPD. it's me in a nutshell.
i feel unfixable, hence still using, covering and living in fear.
it's still crack, and i'm scrapping that pipe i sold myself to.
how do i stop and fix me at the same time?

i am forcing myself to go to the 11 am meeting. 6 hours from now.
and i'm seeing my ex bf tomorrow, trying to be friends or something? i'm cutting his hair for him. terrified i will break down in front of him. i'm heartbroken and co-dependent. he knows i relasped, but no one has any idea the extent.

so if it's okay, i'm asking for extra courage from you guys.
i promise to reply..........i read all the time.

thanks for being there
tex

[Theresa A.]

Hey it's me again:

I didn't think the program would work for me. I suffer from bipolar depression. I borrowed phrases from the other program - I was 'constitutionally' unable to get the simple program. I was sick and tired - therefore I used. I was powerless - therefore I used.

I couldn't get out of bed except to use. I kept trying to take my meds hoping that would help the depression but you've got to suspect just like I did that they aren't working properly to say the least while smoking crack. Yet - it kept me from being depressed, while I was smoking it. That is what I was thinking about yesterday - God, I don't want to go back to those pits of despair - the desperation - the inability to get out of bed or do anything - I couldn't even get on the PC for like 6 months...it just dwindled off and I couldn't do anything but smoke crack, sleep a lot and make a quick meeting before I started all over again. I finally cried that I was just going to give in - the program just wouldn't work for me yet I knew in my heart that was the ONLY way so therefore - if I could simply accept I was just going to die in my addiction then perhaps I could find some peace. That is when I was able to finally start to get a little of the program. I think it was me really internalizing the first step.

I have been in treatment 4 times - the first time I went for 'bipolar' but the truth became I was there because I 'buy crack'. I didn't believe it - I was just depressed and my meds were all screwed up. Yeah, yeah that's it. I went through the beginning of losing jobs - the unemployment and benefits I used for drugs. I crossed over into being a 'non-functional addict' about a year ago. I am still afraid to go get a job for fear I will get sick again but that is another story. I haven't been able to work for awhile to say the least which was devestating in itself because I always had a good work ethic. I got to where besides the drugs - the mania got out of control and I couldn't FOCUS at work. I couldn't get anything done and I started taking it personally. It wasn't the addiction, the bipolar - I was just a failure.

Eventually I just couldn't stop smoking crack. And - other things 'helped my depression' like Vicodin - so many things I could use to 'help my depression or control it'. Of course it is all a viscious cycle and until I stopped the drugs I couldn't even be sure of how I really felt the rest of the time. I'd like to share something I wrote July 30th about feeling blah or having a lack of gratitude / depression / positive thinking... (maybe 40 days clean - I have 75 now) I really want you to read the part of how I finally got out of bed and started doing the deal (a little later in the post but I think you can relate to the program part)...

I mean wasn't it me that was just sharing last Tuesday about how GREAT things are here on the Pink Cloud? I mean I have had such exuberance just to be OUT OF THE bathroom as there is no beach in the bathroom. You make plenty of plans in there but they all get flushed down the toilet. I quit making plans years ago because I saw that NONE of them were going to come to fruition. Yet, I have been living it up in the last few weeks - friends and I have never had them before and they feel good, fellowship, freedom from active addiction....it's been wonderful and shouldn't just feeling so good for awhile be enough for a lifetime!? I need some perspective, I guess - how dare me say "F*&k this" or even think that way when life has been so 'veryverygoodtome' (Father Guido). Yet, the fact remains, something isn't right. I am sleeping too much again - after a great stint of tons of energy, motivation, excitement - and me ranting and raving about the POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING! I think therefore I AM. If I walk around saying I AM HAPPY then I am happy and on the same token, if I walk around saying I feel like sh*t, then I will DAMN SURE FEEL LIKE SH*T. I was talking to my dad the other day and he was talking about just how GREAT I am doing and that was the first night I started feeling so blah. I sounded like my old cynical self to me but he said I am such an inspiration and we talked ad infinitum about positive thinking. I recall when I was much younger he told me about a time when my mother left him and that he was going for counseling. Truth is, he was insane from it and I remember that part. Stark raving mad. But anyway, he was being taught to 'stop the stinking thinkin' and he told me that he was having to take things one second at a time. Like I recall his example was that he was brushing his teeth and saying, "I am brushing my teeth now, brushing my teeth now", etc and on to the next task. He was telling me that he knows how simple it would be to end his depression - just do it, like the Nike thing says. But, each day you get up and lay around and maybe tomorrow. I said, Yeah - like maybe tomorrow good fortune will DROP from the sky or be the one KNOCKING at the door - like SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN and things will change....he was like, YEAH. YEAH, it just doesn't WORK LIKE THAT! I have spent so very many years waiting around for SOMETHING to give - somethin's gotta give, right?

It sounds kind of funny but the way I broke the sleeping thing is that one day I got up and the tricky part is I had to FORCE myself out of bed. However, the second I woke up I started saying, "I AM HAPPY, I AM SO HAPPY, I AM SO SO SO HAPPY, Yeah, I AM HAPPY" and so on. I actually got up and took a shower while still repeating this. I just kept on saying it and that day I made a meeting and have been clean since that day. I have heard that the mind is a blank slate and we can run ANY PROGRAM on it we so desire - if you fake it till you make it - you can be happy. My dad was saying that he has known these things for years and I agreed that I have as well. What's new. Well, I wish it was as simple as just doing it because we could all live happily ever after. What I believe it comes down to is having enough. If the pain is bad enough we will do what we know works and what is right. That is the sad thing, really. I know what stands between me and being happy - nothing but that little nothing is called ATTITUDE. Life is perfect, exactly as it is right now and in the absence of my judgment, life would still continue on. So it comes down to how I FEEL about it, eh? I said to someone negative the other day - "Do you see the glass as HALF-EMPTY or what?" They said their glass is f*cking broken. That is the way I feel right now but I guess I am choosing to feel that way.

So, when you know EVERYTHING....hehe. What do you do when you can't reprogram or it won't seem to switch back to the positive thoughts? Go to meetings, pray, call your sponsor, get out of self - is that all? I found myself looking at life on the whole, millions of folks and getting that old 'I am so small' and 'life is so insignificant' kind of poor me mentality - as if what does it matter if I am clean or not. Who really gives a sh*t - so why can't I feel the gratitude I had for the last few weeks? I keep hearing a couple of things resounding in my mind and they are: "Recovery Comes First" but also, "Is THIS it?" And, I know damn well how wonderful and indescribable THIS really is...I just don't feel it right now. It is like the fringes of complacency, I assume and DAILY MAINTENANCE is what needs to be examined - I hear in my mind. It is funny, my mind - it knows and it can TALK THE TALK! Man, it can tell you and me what the hell we NEED to be doing. I know it is just time to put it all into action. I have been around this program too long I want to say but I guess I have been around it long enough to have an arsenal of tools to use against my disease as well. I used to have only that little cartoon devil on my shoulder saying do dope (DIE). Now I have a pretty strong proponent of LIFE sitting on the other shoulder shouting, "GO TO A MEETING! PRAY! ALL FEELINGS WILL EVENTUALLY PASS! WRITE A GRATITUDE LIST! etc etc etc ad nauseum."

Theresa A.
www.iwantrecovery.com
_________________
Together WE CAN!!

[Lilya]

Texasmamacita,

I´m glad to hear from you. The fact that you go to this forum to ask for help and read about recovery is a sign something in you wants out of this vicious circle.

Belive me, there is hope. But the first step must come from you. It must be a decision to stop - a long-term decision, a real commitment. You will begin to blossom when you take this incredibly hard decision, because it is hard. And recovery is a long process, hard work and determination. Where life on drugs was chaos, recovery is structured. It´s a new technique and it´s extremely rewarding.

I was once lying in a jail cell, suffering from bad witdrawal from Cocaine and God knows what else. That girl is long gone, but the memory of her keeps me going forward. If I could do it, so can you. It ´s a question of giving up on the life you´re leading and making a better life for yourself you deserve.

My thoughts are with you,

Use adversity

[texasmamacita]

thank you so much for the support and kindness. i gather strength from others experience. one of the biggest reasons i use is because i am so uncomfortable in my own skin.
it's so hard to be w/ myself, anything to feel different.
i start new meds today, hopefully they will kick in soon and work for me.
and i started a new intensive outpatient program yesterday. i go 5 days a week. so........
and n.a. meetings of course. i have a sponser, she has 13 years. if i would only call her!
thanks for helping me.......

[2stop]

Tex......so glad to hear the steps you're taking to reclaim your life! I know it is so hard, but please know we are all here for you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))) ))))!!!!!!!!