Stupid internet... Stupider me.

[deerwalk]

So someone tracked me down and invited me to "facebook". I joined and then connected with a few people from college, not so bad. but then the high school people came in. I couldn't resist. And got sucked in. Nothing, including myself, has changed. The thin stayed thin, the beautiful stayed beautiful and there were many with successful careers and impressive schools in their backgrounds. Almost all are married. And I am still the same, unattractive, dumpy misfit- and an ex- drinker, with no job- and definitely not a career. No travel under my belt. No husband. Just a total loser. Alone every day, all day.

[adore79]

Hey deerwalk, good to see you around.

I understand about feeling a little jealous of those who have succeeded more than us. Either jealous of them, or sorry for ourself, whichever the case may be. Maybe some of each. I used to feel that way but at some point I decided that since I liked them, I should wish the best for them. Today, I hope they ARE doing better than me, I try to focus on sending out positive jibes and wishing them luck. I really only care about how I am doing, which sounds selfish at first, but I am changing my ideas about what selfishness means. If I am selfish in a certain area, but that selfishness benefits those around me, then it really isnt selfish. Anyway, dont feel bad, tommorrow is a new day.

[shugabooga]

i think about my high school reunions (very small class, only 44) and the ones that DIDN'T show up.........those are the ones who are no longer pretty, handsome, happy or successful...........and i remember one girl who had changed so much that i didn't even recognize her.........she was very popular in high school, star athlete and made good grades.........but she just had seemed to go downhill.........but she still came! and smiled and had a good time.

so i think it's more about how we feel about ourselves and how we treat other people sometimes.......successful and attractive don't always equal true serenity and contentment in life and looks can be deceiving.

i picture you as a beautiful person, btw, very gentle and loving.

[mle-sober]

BTW, Deer, to me you are quite thin, beautiful, talented, interesting and vibrant. Your self image is awful but the way you come across is very different. Looking at your pictures, reading your intelligent posts, hearing about your work and your life - I have the feeling that many would see you in person very differently than you see yourself.

To those of us who are married, staying home with small children, carrying extra weight from pregnancy and living in a boring house in the suburbs, well - let's just say your life looks quite glamorous. You can go where you want, do what you want, and all the while you look pretty hip.

I bet some of those people wear mom jeans and slippers to the grocery store.

[loner1968]

Ummmm....I'm willing to bet that they aren't all that. Remember we can be whatever we want on the internet if we chose to be that way. I learned that the hard way and gave myself a lot of grief thinking certain people I knew were so much better off without me in their lives. Turned out to be a HUGE lie and nothing but pretending on their part.
And if they show pictures of themselves looking happy and thin and all together I bet there are lots of pictures where they don't look so great. Nobody would put the "real" pictures of themselves up for all to see.

[loner1968]

Oh and by the way..you kinda sound like me. except I only work part time, never wanted kids or a stupid husband and I don't care what the jerks from school are doing because I see most of them in the grocery store and they look 10 years older than me and are burnt out. Maybe we are lucky to be free of all that stuff.

[deerwalk]

All good points. ( and thanks for the kind words too) I guess since I've always been really poor, even when I was working... And many of these people tormented me for being ugly- it just seems like I am the loser they said I was. I mean really, really tortured in school, the entire school bonded over ridiculing me- I started off with all A's and B's, then went down hill as time went on because I was terrified all the time of who was going to humiliate me next. Then at home, more of the same. So I ended up just numbly going through each day. Now I'm stunted...

[Dee74]

You're Deerwalk. No-one else is

I always compared myself to other people - and being someone who has cerebral palsy I never came off too well LOL. I got put down a lot as well too, and I owned every insult.

Whether it was getting sober or getting older, I've gained an appreciation for who I am and what I can do.

I don't *need* to compare myself to anyone anymore and I'm so so glad.

I hope you can find that contentment too DW
hugs

D

[adore79]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

All good points. ( and thanks for the kind words too) I guess since I've always been really poor, even when I was working... And many of these people tormented me for being ugly- it just seems like I am the loser they said I was. I mean really, really tortured in school, the entire school bonded over ridiculing me- I started off with all A's and B's, then went down hill as time went on because I was terrified all the time of who was going to humiliate me next. Then at home, more of the same. So I ended up just numbly going through each day. Now I'm stunted...

Sorry you had to go through that deerwalk.

[tyler52]

Every High School Reunion posted I dread. I have to lose 50 lbs and get a career. And find a new wife that will not embaress me with stories about my laziness, flatulence, not aggresive in my career. I am going to someone else's high school reuniion and pretend to be the high school jock.

[deerwalk]

Tyler, my impression was somehow that Canadians were kinder.

[Thanks2HP]

Originally Posted by deerwalk

All good points. ( and thanks for the kind words too) I guess since I've always been really poor, even when I was working... And many of these people tormented me for being ugly- it just seems like I am the loser they said I was. I mean really, really tortured in school, the entire school bonded over ridiculing me- I started off with all A's and B's, then went down hill as time went on because I was terrified all the time of who was going to humiliate me next. Then at home, more of the same. So I ended up just numbly going through each day. Now I'm stunted...

My family moved a lot when I was a kid. Combine that with being on the shy side and let's just say that it was a tremendous challenge with scars that will last a lifetime. There has been some healing though. I catch myself all too often being negative. As soon as I do, I stop. I don't want to continue treating myself the way I was treated. Those people are long gone out of my life. Why should I continue to do their dirty work for them? I've had to learn to be nice to myself and to forgive myself. I remember picking on a kid myself once just so the negative attention stayed on him and not me. I felt terrible about it and never did it again.

Have you considered counseling?

Here's a virtual hug. You are not ugly by the way. As someone else pointed out, you are attractive.

I wish you much success with self acceptance and learning to love yourself.

-R

[Freedom1990]

I haven't attended a high school reunion since I graduated in 1976, nor will I ever. Those were some of the most painful years of my life.

When one of my old classmates contacted me in advance of our 30th reunion and I saw where they were having a big kegger the night before the alumni dinner, I thought some things never change, even after 30 years.

Are you getting any help for your depression? I have been in therapy for a year now, and have had my meds adjusted. Depression can be very debilitating and there is no shame in seeking help for it. I really hope you get some help because often it isn't just a matter of 'getting over it' like ill-informed people think you can do. :ghug :ghug

[least]

I can understand how you feel, cause I've always felt the same way: a loser. I too was never 'popular' in high school and was made fun of over my strange name and being really skinny and awkward.

I try really hard to not compare myself with others. I am the only 'me' in the world, and if I'm good enough for my Maker, it'll have to be good enough for me.

Be kinder to yourself. You deserve it!

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Ah! High school! I pretty much peaked in high school lol.

I no longer give as much head space to what other folks think of me. It's been a long hard battle to even gain a small bit of acceptance with myself. It's something that I still work on every day. Instead of focusing on the negative things in my life, or things that might make you think that I'm a "loser" (no job, no car, crappy house, divorced twice,never sang on Broadway, oh yeah a recovering alkie)I choose to focus on the good things that I've accomplished. Most importantly, raising my 2 great kids. I have a genuine rapport with animals. I have wonderful friends who love me. I have a growing spiritual life that centers me.

So, I suggest that you start working on a list for all the things that are special about you..and read it every day until you start to believe it.

Big hugs,

Karen

[deerwalk]

Thanks Nomomerlot- but so far I can't think of a single thing to put on the list.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

How bout:

You are kind
You ARE attractive
You are creative
YOU ARE SOBER.

Write those out and stick it near your bathroom mirror!

[cinderellawkids]

deerwalk,
I was a homely full of selfpity girl in HS, that always swore Id do better than anyone else. 15 years later Im in same town, and pass old schoolmates at the grocery store...Once upon a time I went to an informal reunion. I made myself looked like bell of ball, nice looking husband good job, SUV, 3 kids, nice house ect... I got looks of envie. Now let me tell you what they didnt see...especially at that time:
I cried myself to sleep every night, that night was no different my husband a crack addict jumped out of the car at a stop light after we left, my car tires were bald with no hope of fixing them, my first husband and jids father is in prison for life and my house a family member helps us pay for.
Im telling you this because I want you to know, people arent always as happy and doing well as they seem

[Emimily]

they're just haters cause they want a cool obama shirt like yours!

btw - you're super cute!

be my facebook friend, we'll leave messages for each other like "omg can't believe the galapagos islands last weekend!!! super fun!!!" and i'll tag you with pieces of flair.

[cinderellawkids]

So funny emimly

[deerwalk]

Yeah thanks emimily- I needed that!

[splendra]

Nobody can be a better you than you can. I am sure you are unique don't be afraid to let you shine.

[LaDita]

I hear you DW, I feel alot of icky emotions and alot of inadequacy when I see all "the beautiful people" showing off their "great lives" on social networking sites. I agree with Loner1968, it's all a front really and FB and MS aren't real life at all.
I think you're beautiful and have so much to offer. You remind me of this really beautiful smart gal I worked with, and what's weird is that she's also from Chicago! You Chicago girls must have a certain look and manner about you.

Maybe try this? Put on your profile that you're a rockin' Hot Mama for Obama and artist whose in recovery who does alot by helping others. Because it's true!

[Latte]

Most of my Facebook and Myspace friends are from another parenting message board I'm on so I look really popular.

What I found was that most those people from high school were just happy to see a familiar face and were really interested in just me. They didn't care if I was a domestic engineer living in the frozen trundra. Even the "cool kids" are on my friends list. We've all grown up and have our own sets of problems but it's fun to share. The people that don't want to be my friend aren't. I figure we're all adults now.

[Isaiah]

Deerwalk,

The books haven't been finished yet. Marriage and careers seem nice when you're in a low point in life. I have a Facebook account and trust me, I take no great pleasure in finding out my old friends are married and working jobs.

Your posts give off a very strong indication of your personality. You and I are both particularly affected by the world. We've experienced a lot, and while it's not success in the common understanding of it, we haven't failed. We've still got plenty of time ahead of us; and, we needn't kick ourselves just because we haven't found our niche yet.

Artistic temperaments don't always blossom post-graduation. You'll make up for it multifold when it comes. I've seen it happen; and you seem just like the type who is going to turn the trials of life into something very profound someday. Like I said, yours isn't a completed story. When your time comes, and it will if you keep your faith up, it'll be brilliant. I promise.

I've got a pretty miserable life myself sometimes. Few friends, plenty of problems, enough money coming in to buy groceries... it isn't the dream life. I am consoled though when I realize that I grasp life in a way that a lot of my high school friends wont ever get. It's that cliche of what doesn't kill you making you stronger. I believe in that. One of these days I swear I'm going to win a Pulitzer or Nobel prize for my writing. At least something above average, because I've paid for it with karma. As with you.

Stick to doing the things that are your strength--whatever they are and however they pan out. You're pretty awesome just as an internet persona; and I'd wager money that you'll be a damn fine IRL-butt kicker when the right time comes.