What were you like before?

[hippyhippy]

I am feeling very reflective just now. I don't know if I like it. I have been thinking about positive aspects of my life in the past, that feel gone now. I am wondering if I had realised earlier that I needed help (well...I think I knew I needed it but wouldn't accept it) I might not have lost so much of me.

For years I performed in at least two fairly big amateur dramatic productions a year. I sang, I danced, I played the lead, I played the supporting acts, I performed in Edinburghs Festival several times, I used to tour the country doing exchanges with other dramatic groups. I even got to be on TV a couple of times AND got paid for it! When I began to tire of acting, I began to write comedy scripts which were performed, one again in Edinburgh's Festival. I got paid for a serious one too about teenage angst which was included in a book for secondary schools!

I was confident, even though I felt the anx inside, I could get over it and do what I had to do.
Yet...was I confident? Was I maybe high? When I went to college as a mature student, I got top grades in everything. Nothing seemed too much bother for me. When I left college, I was so confident in my ability that I turned down two blooming good jobs! One of them called me and practically begged me to reconsider!


Now......, I can hardly believe that I can get myself in such a state about attending a meeting with my employers. Now they want me to do a c**p job for c**p pay. Even talking to mums in the playground I struggle with. Parties I cannot do, if I ever got as far as a party these days I would crawl away rather than dance. So many things that even when well I find difficult. I tie myself up in knots about writing a letter to my employers, writing and re writing several times and STILL not having the guts to send.

What the heck happened to that confidence? I wish I had accepted years ago that I needed help. Maybe there wouldn't be so much of me lost. I reckon I have had BP at least 20 years. My first major depression at 17 stopped me doing all the performing that I loved and I failed in college first time round. I became paranoid that people were talking about me, laughing at me even all the people I called friends and loved. I lost all those friends. I became bitter and picked quarrels with them. I deliberately lost touch with any others as I believed they didn't really like me.

The long and short of it is it was suggested to me that I join a drama group. I don't know if I will but the idea of pretending to be someone else really appeals.......

Maybe this can be a goal? Maybe it is not actually 'gone' but just kind of 'suspended' Maybe I can find myself again?

Anyone else want to share good or bad memories of 'before' becoming unwell? Are you going to try to get it back or are you glad to leave it where it is?

Hippy

xx

[historyteach]

In my earliest memories, I felt "different from" others.
I don't have anything to go back to.

But, I do think that it would be a great thing for you to engage in a drama group!
I think you'd get some good socialization and some good fun too.
Go for it!
And let us know how it goes, ok?

Shalom!

[Alera]

Originally Posted by hippyhippy

Anyone else want to share good or bad memories of 'before' becoming unwell? Are you going to try to get it back or are you glad to leave it where it is?

Hippy

xx

I'll bite Hippy. Before I began suffering from depression I was a straight A student in a College Preparatory school. I had plans to become an attorney. At the same time I was a competitive figure skater. I was training with Olympians and had plans to go to the National Championships. Then my tendon on the back of my foot blew out. I fell into a situational depression which led to clinical depression, agoraphobia and PTSD.

Fourteen years later I saw a study manual for the GED or High School Equivalency exam. It wasn't as hard as I expected. I bought the book(I'm a bookworm) and decided to take the exam. I took my High School equivalency exam and passed with flying colors. In fact I was asked to speak at my graduation. However, I knew with my anxiety it would not be a good idea.

I then slowly began to take courses at my local community college. I am now one quarter away from completing my Bachelor of Arts degree at a private college and preparing to enter Law School next fall. I have been told I exceed all the criteria so I still consider myself a L1 (Law School year 1) as I will be auditing a course in a month. I am finally going to do what I have wanted most of my life.

How did I do it? I realized my weaknesses and chose to work around them. When I became depressed I took classes that met on campus. When I got a bad bought of agoraphobia I took independent studies and studied at home. I was scared to enter the workplace after all these years so I found federal work study jobs on campus (I am no longer working as I prepare for a special law school exam). When I decided to quit my job due to office politics, I asked if I could stay an extra quarter so I can receive financial aid to pay for my first quarter of law school expenses.

The key for me was starting out slow. REAL slow. I also needed to recognize my weaknesses. If I was too depressed to study for all my courses, I would circle the drop date on my calender and I refused to allow myself to feel guilty for leaving the courses. I found teachers that I could open up to. They helped lead me when I could not lead myself. I admitted to myself that depression is a disease and like any disease I need to work around it. When my depression came back, I was honest with my adviser and allowed myself to do as much work on myself while I received two incompletes. I didn't demand perfection from myself.

When I received my Associates Degree in Political Science two years ago, the entire political science faculty stopped me to pat me on the back or shake my hand as I walked past them. My employer at the campus library was crying when she hugged me. It was amazing how many people were proud of me. And because I had been honest with most of them, they knew what I had been through. It was one of the best moments of my life.

It wasn't easy. I started by making a list of small goals. When I enter Law School, I will do the same thing. Here is one of my lists.

• take history course (required)
• complete history course
• complete second semester as part-time student
• sign up for full time semester
• finish 9 units, allow self to drop one course if it causes anxiety
• go full time for one semester
• participate in the model United Nations
• only take courses required for Associates Degree
• complete Associates degree
• attend graduation
• apply to 4 year college for Bachelors degree
• complete one quarter at new college
• complete second quarter
• get job on campus
• take Capstone course (required to receive my BA)
• complete BA program
• attend graduation (actually the most scary thing on this list as the graduation is in a large theater)
• research law schools
• audit course at the law school of my choosing
• study for Law School Admissions Test
• take LSAT even if not needed

As you can see, this list is micromanaged. I also made changes as my illness required.

Anyway, this is my story. And it all started because I saw a book on the high school equivalency exam.

[mle-sober]

I was just thinking about this as I was driving home from errands. I feel like a sluggish, unattractive, sometimes invisible, easily peevish, horribly anxious, constantly struggling, hole in the wall of my world.

I used to feel like a sexy, dynamic, interesting, intelligent, unique woman.

At the same time, I'm alive. I'm a survivor. And my world is not dominated by the whirlwind of mania. Or threatened by the psychotic places that follow. Or pooled into horrible profoundly sad suicidality. And I'm not in the psych ward.

I feel acceptance, for the most part, of the fact that I have chosen life (even if it involves mega-psych drugs and feeling a bit like old dirty cotton) over what felt like that brilliant shiny firey burn.

But every once in a while, I get a flash of what I used to feel like. And I miss it.

[hippyhippy]

Thanks for replies,

Teach, even though I was confident and did all that stuff, I felt different. I have heard so many people with BP say the same. On saying that, never anywhere in my life have I ever felt as accepted as when I was involved with amateur dramatics. Dramatic people are so accepting of people and their quirks as they have so many of their own! I don't think it is by coincedence so many artistic/dramatic/literate people have BP.
I think I might give the group a go!

Alera, you have achieved so much. Well done! I would love to take a psychology degree ut I can't afford to. Depending on how some things in my personal life turn out..if they turn out ok..I am going to do it distance learning. It will take 6 years instead of 4 but will be worth it.

mle....what a wonderful attitude you have. I am in awe.

But every once in a while, I get a flash of what I used to feel like. And I miss it.

That is what happened to me when I wrote this post!

Hippyx