Extreme self-conciousness

[steamvessel]

Anybody go through this? This must be part of mental illness, because mine is pretty ridiculous, it can actually shut me down. I feel like I am in a box, outside of reality. Sometimes all it takes is being under too much of a spotlight, or looking at pictures of myself (I'
ve always had pictures be a problem for me as an adult and nobody else really does as much), I find it really inhibiting. Anybody else suffer from this and do they have any advice?

[Eleison]

Yes. I indeed struggle with this. It's part of the whole 'isolated, alienated, abuse survivor' complexity for me.
Emerging safely into my skin in connection with others is an ongoing challenge, and painful and joyful all at once. For me, therapy is an essential part of this.

[deerwalk]

I really get that... Especially about the photos. I was obsessed with my pictures and albums, couldn't stand the sight of myself- hated my looks. I threw away pictures and had lots of others redeveloped. I was trying to create a picture of something I could accept- because I was rejected and ridiculed while growing up to the point I became nothing... I later found myself to be an adult with no idea of what I liked, what my abilities might be, how to think for myself or form an opinion, or in short- care about anything. Because that type of development was torn from me during my upbringing. And then, I was working and going through the motions while having no idea of anything save for the highly unsettling sense that something was awfully wrong. I never felt like anyone could understand me, but I put up a happy front. That didn't last for long, I was horribly depressed and it manifested in many destructive ways- but nobody, not even therapists got it. I know this was all a direct result of being annihilated at a very base level as a child by my parents and peers. I feel they destroyed me before there was a "me". I now feel like a walking mutant most the time.

Don't know if it helps... but there's my two cents.

[steamvessel]

Deerwalk it helps, because when I get in these funks it seems almost like I am not even a part of the human race, like I am completely alone in a shell, not worthy for the rest of the world, not really in the world just watching it move around me. I am worthless in these moments. I remember when I was 17 and was in a psychotic depression, it got so bad that I didn't even speak hardly at all. I just didn't feel like I existed. I remember going to a Catholic school and it turned co-ed my junior year, I didn't deal well with the transition, and just completely shut down. I remember being "flattered" when a girl would say my name. Like, really, she knows I exist? I've gotten a lot better then, but it's easy to forget your childhood, and once you remember the scars, how bad it was dealing with our emotionally and physically abusive families and a cruel society that reinforces our fears and pain, why we are left like this. Thanks for making me feel like I exist, I need that from time to time.

[deerwalk]

You exist.

[mle-sober]

That feeling is, I've been told, a form of disassociation. Like your body is a separate thing from your "self." At least that sounds like what you're describing. I get it whenever I have the slightest stress. Even just sitting and talking to someone I trust and like, if we touch on some issue that makes me think about parts of my childhood or other trauma, I feel myself detach and kind of float away.

What I've learned, over years of therapy, is to not fear that feeling. But instead to address it. To push into it, in a way, instead of away from it. What works for me sometimes is if I make sure that both my feet are touching on the ground. And then, sometimes just getting up and walking around or having a drink of water will break the spell.

It's definitely related to trauma. I see it as a form of self protection now, rather than something to fear.

Maybe it's not exactly the same thing you guys are talking about but it's what your words made me think of....

[deerwalk]

I have found it helpful to go through a very long process, without the "help" of any therapists, to ask myself simple questions, and then answer them and act upon them to learn about myself. Examples are "What do I like", "Why?" and "How do I feel about.... (whatever subject)" and continue to ask myself why. I think about the things I'm drawn to, I try to learn about different things and see what sparks my mind. Then, I follow those things. I reflect upon the kind of person I'd like to be and what qualities I find admirable and try to act accordingly. I think about adversity, and the seemingly arbitrary nature of life. I tell myself that I am here, I had a childhood, it was not a kind one, and that I have things to offer despite what I was told. I tell myself that not everyone is cruel- and that creativity and passion can get me through anything. I remind myself that I am a finite being, as are we all (for all we know)- and in the time that I am here, I can be a fortress against destructive elements in part because I have insight regarding the shallow nature of much of the population- then I can get on with my life, and attract like minded individuals. I hope some or all of this helps you through, SV.

[steamvessel]

It's nice to know that you guys can relate, really. Because it really is an isolated feeling, kind of like I and you guys described about not really taking up mass in the universe. It's also the reason I back away from success a lot, because I just don't believe it sometimes. Like it isn't really me that people like. This helps me a lot to know that other people can relate, in a way it helps to solve the problem, because I know it isn't just me. Thanks for the advice. One other piece of advice that I have heard to deal with in situations where you are extremely self-concious or insecure, is to visualize yourself in a body of armor so thick that nothing can hurt you. It actually works quite well when I am feeling low or inconsequential.

[deerwalk]

I forgot- boundaries. Set them, stick to them

Alright, I'm through rambling. I hope you're feeling better today SV.