I'm not at all ok.

[Eleison]

I don't know what to say as I'm not sure what comes in the rules and what doesn't.
But I'm really not ok.
Terrifying torturous anxieties.
Feelings of dread.
Paranoia.
Aloneness.
Hollow empty grey nothingness.
Fear.
Aching deeply.

And I feel I can hardly bear it.
Thank goodness it's bedtime here soon. Because I need respite from this.

I need some comfort and support please.
I'm scared.

[Freedom1990]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Sending you gentle hugs on the Kansas winds! :ghug :ghug

[historyteach]

Eleison...
I'm so sorry you are feeling so poorly.
I wish I could do something to take it away.
But, we both know I cannot.
But, I can listen.

What is it that has you feeling so down? So anxious? So alone?
Talk it out.
But working through it, we often can get past it.
And we are here to walk with you each step of the way...

Shalom!

[GiveLove]

Hey eleison,

So sorry you're having a not-okay day. I know how frightening and awful those days are.....I had one a couple of days ago and prayed for the end of it to come.

Is there any pattern to yours? Are there certain things that happen, or lack of sleep, or alcohol/food/hunger or circumstances that make it worse? I have some very serious triggers that I have to avoid like the plague -- do you have any idea if you do too, and what they might be?

Hopefully you're sleeping peacefully over there by now.....let us know tomorrow how you do, okay?


GL

[Eleison]

Thanks everyone...

I didn't sleep well last night. Better as it started to get light, though.

It's because of...
- changes I'm making in my life...
along with
- a 3 week therapy break [during which my GP is also away for 2 weeks of it] coming up over the holidays,
and
- my flatmates heading off to India, of all places right now, for a month from 26th.

[splendra]

I am sorry that you are feeling scared. I have been there myself many times. I keep some chamomile tea on hand for toughs times when I am anxious and can't sleep. Warm tea helps me to relax also a warm bath does me a world of good when I feel out of sorts and can't relax.

Feel better okay. Keep posting too cause that helps.

[adore79]

Hi Eleison,

Someone on this site gave me some great coping techniques. She said to spend time in the mirror everday and talk yourself, say loving things to yourself while gently stroking your hair or arm. Give yourself hugs. Do these things throughout the day whenever you have time. Ive been doing it and it really does help. Meditation and praying helps me too. Hope you feel better soon.

[Eleison]

Thank you everyone.

I'm doing much better today. For now. Thankfully.
I was really terrified for a while there.

I'll come back to this thread if I need to at any point.

[historyteach]

We're here for you, Eleison.
Indeed, that's *why* we're here!
Anytime.

Shalom!

[Eleison]

Thank you.

[Eleison]

I'm struggling again. Really struggling.
Aggression. Violent thoughts. Panic. Headaches. Feeling wound up. Tense. Irritable. Withdrawing.

[steamvessel]

As much as I hate to give this advice, it's the only advice I have, hang in there. Things have a way of looking up when you are looking down. Don't analyze things to much, and be really easy on yourself. Don't pressure yourself to be too much and try to avoid thinking too much if you can, you are in a delicate situation and the only way out is to start feeling better, then you can make some steps to start the healing process. For me I've got to exercise, organize, or do something otherwise I fall in a black hole (and it gets very, very bad). Sometimes doing these things are too much of a challenge when I'm depressed, find something you are willing to do. Walk around the block, go to a movie, just get your mind off it. I know this may come across as annoying advice when you are down, but I've been in your shoes plenty of times to know that it's just the only way out of severe depression.

Question- do you seem to get down more often when the weather is bleak? I've discovered that I am probably a candidate for seasonal affective disorder, it seems kind of silly, but it makes a big impact on my mood. They even have lamps you can buy that help give you essential vitamins that effect your mood. I've never tried them, but I hear they work well.

[Alera]

Originally Posted by steamvessel

Question- do you seem to get down more often when the weather is bleak? I've discovered that I am probably a candidate for seasonal affective disorder, it seems kind of silly, but it makes a big impact on my mood. They even have lamps you can buy that help give you essential vitamins that effect your mood. I've never tried them, but I hear they work well.

My uncle suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder and the lamps have helped him tremendously. He lives in Michigan and had been depressed every winter since he moved there twenty years ago. The lamps made a world of difference. They work by faking out the brain so you think you are under natural sunlight.

[Eleison]

Thank you...

I've been in .. near psychosis territory. Just breaking through it's bubble now, back into life. I feel really.. raw. And emotional.
It's pretty big stuff. It's hard.

I do get effected by shifts in weather, but not to the degree of SAD I don't think. Because so many things effect me. Hormones. Weather. Change. Isolation. Noise.

[steamvessel]

Originally Posted by Eleison

Thank you...

I've been in .. near psychosis territory. Just breaking through it's bubble now, back into life. I feel really.. raw. And emotional.
It's pretty big stuff. It's hard.

I do get effected by shifts in weather, but not to the degree of SAD I don't think. Because so many things effect me. Hormones. Weather. Change. Isolation. Noise.

You might be surprised. It sounds like you are highly sensitive, so I am guessing the weather may have something to do with it, small things will make a difference for you I think. Excercising, vitamins, the people you are around, the music you listen to. Be around that which makes you comfortable, I think that this will go far in your healing.

[Eleison]

Yes, I'm highly sensitive... you've got that right...

Thank you.

Things are really hard right now. But I'm eating properly, walking everywhere, taking high dose calcium... the people thing is a tougher issue [there aren't many/enough]. But it's something I'm *trying* to work on.

[fluer]

I like you Eleison. You say what you feel. I identify with alot that you are feeling. Are you struggling through post trauma stuff? Maybe you should talk about whats going on that has you so tangled. I know it can be hard to pinpoint with so many things going on.But maybe we can. Do you know what it is eating at you?

[Eleison]

I'm always struggling through post trauma stuff. Those years of bullying, plus the dysfunction and abuse at home, on top of a traumatic very premature birth and no early bonding with my mum due to my being in the SCBU.... have left many scars.

I have one more therapy session on Monday before a 3 week 'break' - although I'mnot going anywhere, nor do I get a break.... and I'm 'falling apart'. I'm terrified. I'm self-destructive. I'm aching inside more than words can say.

My flatmates are heading away for a month on 26th. I'll miss them.
I thought I'd be having all the space to myself, which is sort of a plus, but they've decided it's best to get the bathroom part-re-tiled while they're away. I'll have to wash myself, hair included, in the kitchen sink for upto a fortnight. My showers in the morning are what help me feel able to face the day.
So, I'm peeved at my flatmates, one of them in particular.
I'm peeved at myself.
I feel acutely vulnerable.

[shugabooga]

now the picture becomes much clearer. that is not fair that you have to put up with the bathroom retiling while they are on vacation.

you should make some last minute changes on the colors or something LOL.

they'll get home and it will be too late........

well, maybe not. you don't want to cause more drama.

BUT, you could mess with them and TELL them the colors are different...
no, again.......best not to.........

yes, this would definitely frustrate me to no end. i would feel like a doormat if my roommates put this on me.

hang in there.

[Eleison]

Thanks!

Unfortunately she's going out to buy the tiles with the tiler [a friend of her and her husband's] before they go...

They say it's the best time for it to be done, and that they've considered me, but I never go away [true, social anxiety coupled with lack of finances for that kind of thing kind of don't make that work!]. They also think that because there's mould on the grout and tiles, [not that I've ever seen any on the tiles..] it means there's damp underneath that needs to be dried out and fixed, and that new tiles mean no more damp. Now, my knowledge of DIY is minimal, but I don't quite think so! Bathrooms = damp, especially when it's never warm enough because their towels cover the radiator all the time.

Bitching over. Hopefully.
Ugh.

I'm relying on herbal medicine and homeopathy to help me through, alongside my anti-depressant. Thank goodness for natural medicine. I'm being careful...

[Eleison]

I'm doing a bit better today.
Maybe it's all the tears and shadows that I allowed expression in yesterday's therapy session. Along with my finding the right combo of complementary medicine.
I'm holding together, tenuously.