Not happy.

[deerwalk]

I'm drawing a blank. I have almost 60 days sober, yay. However the rest of my life is for s***. My credit's going down the drain because of unemployment after I worked so hard to dig myself out of a hole. I lost my apartment. There's no way out. I can't be anything but a burden to my friends, now the artists I work for sometimes are paying me ahead of time even though they have financial troubles of their own. I am such an utter failure. I can't believe the crazy people I attract into my life as far as some other friends go- and even they ditched me when they got a boyfriend/ girlfriend. I'll never make it to the next level. I'm always going to be scratching at the window, never making it through to the other side. No job, no boy friend, no savings, no fun , no love, no family. Nothing. For whatever reason- I can't make it in the world. I think I would be an excellent nihilist. For the second time in my life I actually considered purchasing heroin. Trade one hell for another, except with one at least I'll have a few moments of feeling great. And since I'm too much of a coward to just call the coroner, it seems a viable way out that could appear accidental and therefore leave everyone guilt free. As things are, I can look forward to a life of solitude and thankless low paying jobs, if I'm lucky. I am truly over it.

[mle-sober]

Deer,

I hope you will try to be gentle with yourself during this time. You are a brave, talented, pretty, emotionally delicate person. You've been battered around a lot in the past. But you are here and you deserve credit for that.

You have a tendency to see things in black and white, I've noticed. Is it possible that, instead of saying, "Nothing will ever work out for me," you could say instead, "I feel like crap today and as if nothing will ever work." And then maybe even take it one step further and say toyourself, "But I had a nice Thanksgiving. And I like my art. And it is possible that I am depressed right now but that things can look grim when I'm depressed. But they might look better another day."

Because you swing so fast between a horrible and debilitating depression to a bouncy hopeful enthusiasm, I find myself worrying about you. I don't think you perhaps see that big picture. When you are depressed, you see ONLY depression. Not the fact that it comes and goes.

This is dangerous. And horrible to live through. I've been there. But the thing is you have to keep going back to get better help (ie: medications I wish so badly that you would try Lithium) and you have to keep trying to recall the good times.

Do you have someone you can call instead of heading for the nearest heroine pusher? Seriously.

I'm sorry your feeling so terrible.

[deerwalk]

Well, as for art- my work stinks. And the only way it got better was through drinking and that is hard to deal with. I am busy today, since I'm working for a friend so my mind is off things for awhile- but being alone so much doesn't really help, and all of my friends are busy , all the time. They all have a partner, so I'm odd girl out. It happens all the time. I am just really losing my will. Too many disappointments and pressures. I've heard Lithium pretty much turns you into cardboard. I know a lot of moody people, I don't know that they need Lithium. The other thing that doesn't help is that there is someone in my life who stopped talking to me years ago when I was drinking heavily- and he said he would never do that. I have apologized many, many times and explained that drinking was affecting my behavior. But he just won't hear it. It really makes me lose my faith in people. I have forgiven so many people that have treated me badly- I just don't get it. Not until recently did I decide that I wouldn't put up with lying- that's a deal breaker. I had to cut out a bad influence recently because he was an incessant liar.

[NewLeaf]

(((DW)))

I know about being being down and angry. Sorry you're there now. MLE-S's got good points, especially the ones about being kind to yourself and deserving credit for taking the time to share and sort things out by being here...

As far as the art's concerned -- Does drinking really make it better? My belief is that creativity comes from within. You either "got it" or you don't. Your writing alone (thinking of your blog and various posts) SCREAMS talented.

Don't know what your particular medium is -- and I know materials are costly -- but have you tried expressing the loneliness, anger and despair through your art? You wouldn't have to show it to anyone, and it might give you a modicum of the release that the drinking and drugging have given you in the past.

[mle-sober]

I don't feel, act, or taste like cardboard. (:

[deerwalk]

"Your writing alone (thinking of your blog and various posts) SCREAMS talented."

Wow, thanks- that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.

Mle- I only meant from what I was told by my friends. I didn't mean to insult you, I should have thought about that before I posted. One friend was on it and really didn't like it. I don't even like taking Klonopin because it slows my thinking.

I am emotionally delicate- but nobody sees it! They just think I'm a freak. Thank you for understanding. Although, when people see my sensitive side they often try their best to suck it dry. There was once a time when I would give anything to anybody. I don't think it was healthy. I still have those tendencies, like swooping into help someone who I think is in need- but it often ends up with them being needier and needier. It's tough to figure out where to draw the line. I actually think I'm a decent honest person, just have an extremely low stress thresh hold and I don't know how to cope

[mle-sober]

Don't worry - you didn't insult me! I was being silly.

I think being able to recognize and attend to your sensitive characteristics can go a long way in helping you find your way through life.

But, in order to do this, you have to make a very firm committment that you will recognize that when you are feeling sad and depressed (no matter how overwhelming) that it is something transitory. It goes away. And it is replaced by feelings of joy and hope.

If you can't really place that securely and safely into your consciousness, than you will struggle even more and perhaps find yourself doing harmful things to yourself that you'd regret.

Do you know what I'm saying? You are so reluctant to really give modern medicines a try (I know you've tried some but sometimes it takes a long time to get it right) so then you must find something equilovent in yourself. Some anchor. Some manner of walking through life that accepts your challenges and your sensitivities and learns how to use them to live a life that fully expresses who you are in a truthful and meaningful way.

I am getting long-winded. Sorry. Must put the little one to bed. I will not tell you to try to be happy. But I will tell you again that I hope you will try to be nice to yourself.