Up and down.

[deerwalk]

Today I'm back to depression. I tried to distract myself, I read the paper, I made some tea, I watched television, did a job search, checked my credit report (that didn't help), tried to get some phone calls seen to and cleaned up... not working. The only thing I find comforting are the thoughts in which I am not there. People and life are simply too stressful. I don't fit in. I don't play the game. Manipulation, indifference, greed and deceit are the constants in life which I cannot live side by side with. I feel too alone in who I am. And, an utter failure. These are facts. This isn't pity- it's self asessment. I realize at my age I literally have nothing to offer and nothing to look forward to. It's pure logic. One must acknowledge their shortcomings and arrive at the conclusion that would be most beneficial to all parties concerned. I am a superfluous element.

[Bamboozle]

Ah, deer, that kind of thinking is all too familiar to me. I get like that at times...

Originally Posted by deerwalk

I realize at my age I literally have nothing to offer and nothing to look forward to. It's pure logic. One must acknowledge their shortcomings and arrive at the conclusion that would be most beneficial to all parties concerned. I am a superfluous element.

This statement really concerns me. I know you said people stress you, but is there anyone you can call and talk to until the worst of the storm has passed? Big hugs to you.

[adore79]

Oh geez, I understand, I am so done with society. I am thinking of going out on the road, just me and a pack full of the essentials. Of course, the essentials would fill much more than a pack. I dont know what to do. What shall we do deer? I'm open to suggestions.

[dennis72]

You are not alone believe me. But you always have something to offer people

[Latte]

I understand.

My first six months were a lot of up and down, even while on antidepressants.

It just took time. Gah, I hate saying that but my brain had to fix itself. Some days I just had to concentrate on breathing..in and out...in and out...

[historyteach]

People and life are simply too stressful. I don't fit in. I don't play the game. Manipulation, indifference, greed and deceit are the constants in life which I cannot live side by side with. I feel too alone in who I am. And, an utter failure. These are facts. This isn't pity- it's self asessment.

I hear what you're saying, Deerwalk.
And in many ways, you are not alone. So, you are not a failure or a superflous element, my friend!

You do not have to play any games. Indeed, you shouldn't! You should be who you are. But, how do we do that in a life that's filled with manipulation, indifference, greed and deceit?

Well, I cannot tell you what you should do. But, I can tell you what *I* did, and how it helped me. I began to become involved in the synogogue. And no, at the time, I wasn't Jewish.

I had been studying various faiths and philosophical systems for @17 years, searching for something that could give me meaning and hope. I had long lost the childish beliefs of my religion my parents raised me in. I couldn't find any adult meaning in it, either. It was dead to me. But, in my studies, I kept coming back to ideas promulgated in Judaism.

Please hear me, now. I am *not* trying to say you or anyone should become a Jew! This is where *my* path led *me.* This is my story that I'm relating. Others can take what they need and leave the rest. The point is, I began to become involved in a formal religion as an adult.

I began by taking adult classes. And I enjoyed it so very very much! It was intellectually stimulating. I met new people. It was spiritually enlightening. And I wanted more. I began attending services. I met more people. And I did eventually formally convert. That was in 2001. I've continued to be involved; attend adult classes; Torah study; do service work at the synogogue; donate time and what little money I have to give, (which is never an issue.)

And in return, I have received more than I could possibly ever have given. I've received real friendship. I've been supported in hard times, when my mom was sick and when she died. I was so surprised at the outpouring of support from the Temple that I received! People I didn't even know sent cards and notes. They knew of me due to my service work during the High Holidays! I was stunned that they went out of their way to send their condolences during my time of grief.

My rabbi sent me two letters, after he called me on the phone as soon as he got the news. The cantor, (who leads the congregation in prayerful song), continued to call and to email me during my absence. She made sure that my mom's name was put up for the daily minyon for the prayer for the dead.

In short, there was no manipulation; no indifference; no deceit; no greed.
There was love. There was support. There was care and concern for my well being.

So, what am I saying as I share my experience, strength and hope with you here in my personal story? I'm suggesting that you can get a different experience when you change the people you are relating with!

Not *all* people are the same. And yes, some will let us down. We are human beings with all of our frailties and faults. And because of my new experiences, *I've* been changed. Today, when people hurt me, I honestly try to pray for them, rather than strike back. And I perfect? No, unfortunately. But, I'm a much better person today.
Because I've been touched by people who are better people than I.

Can you consider trying something different to meet other people?
Taking adult classes at your local church, temple or mosque can be a life changing experience. It can open up new avenues that you've never even thought of -- experientially and spiritually.

Again, this was something that made a world of difference to me. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Shalom!

[deerwalk]

Felly, I think we should run away to Spain. Maybe I can make us a living as a street artist there. Europeans actually appreciate that kind of thing. Over here the mayor might try to wash me away. Schoolteach,I've considered a few things like you've mentioned but everytime I got close there was something not right. I may try a free meditation group at the local zen buddhist temple, I'm simply terrified of going anywhere alone. I am far too self conscious. Lately I barely leave the apartment. I feellike everyone is thinking "Look at that poor, ugly trashy girl. Glad I'm not her"... unemployment is bad for the self esteem.

[deerwalk]

Although, there was a time I considered becoming Jewish because I desired respect and a sense of community, and my closest friends are Jewish- but they didn't advise it! They don't think it's a healthy religion. But they have relatives in Israel that I guess would be on the extreme end, especially in regards to women.

[Vintersemestre]

I advise Buddhism - it has revealed several things to me. Centrally, that the world does not revolve around me, secondarily it has given me the strange ability (even in the relatively short time I've been practicing) to look people in the eye and perceive their mood. All other religions are fantastic, but none of them give you spooky powers like this one does. The first thing you need to know about being a Buddhist is that you don't have to be a Buddhist to be a Buddhist.

[deerwalk]

Paging Aleister Crowley...

[Vintersemestre]

Now that you mention it I have the Crowley tarot deck sitting right here.

[Creekryder]

Vintersemestre,
Just wanted to say I too am a Buddhist who is not a Buddhist. I try to use the simple rule of "cause no harm" as a daily goal. Where I fail is I don't apply the principle to my body. Pity, it seems to be a simple truth.
Padraic

[Vintersemestre]

Oh and more thing, deer my dear, "at your age"? My stepbrothers are the same age as you! You've still got plenty of time to live it up.

[deerwalk]

Thanks! That's the third time I've laughed tonight. And what are you doing with Aleister? He was a kook.

[Vintersemestre]

Yeah he was but so am I. I like historical quacks and even modern ones like Anton LaVey. You have to respect these people, channeling their insanity into such passion.

[deerwalk]

Goodness, next thing you'll be teeling me you're a Boyd Rice fan and read Jim Goad.

Avoid the path of dorkness! I mean darkness, darkness..!