BP Town -- Open to anyone who rides the rollar coaster Pt III

[historyteach]

Here's a secret...
I haven't really saved any money.
I'm going out to eat too much to save a dime!
But, I am saving my life.

Shalom!

[scott]

I thought I would join this thread as it looks like some fun.

I have BPII, at least that's what they're going to call it for right now. I'm all over the place recently but after switching to Invega and upping my dose to 9mg I seem to be stabilizing recently after being on it over a month. The psychiatrist I see is about to add another Dx to the mix with ADHD, and social anxiety disorder. I'm beginning to think I'm a train wreck of psychiatric illnesses. But I'm ok with that cause I've felt the best I've felt lately as I have in years and it's not a manic state. My mood stabilizer is FINALLY working and I'm sober still almost 60 days now so I'm feeling some accomplishment with my life. School is pretty rough this semester though as I'm having a serious time concentrating and daydreaming which has gone on my entire life and I am just now getting help with. Hoping to try a different med this Thurs as I go to the pdoc. I'm going to try out a cognitive behavioral therapist tomorrow so I'm kind of interested to see what that is going to be like. I've never been to a therapist before but my new doc seems to think I will benefit from it, and I do as well. I guess that's it for now, will let you all now how therapy works out tomorrow.

[jurneyman]

SS Congratulations on the 60 days sober and welcome to the BP thread, I am also dealing with BPII and ADHD, and have been trying various combinations of medications, I am staying with what I am taking for now since at the present time I am doing better, including my concentration which I need for my R+D work. I have been suffering with depression on and off for over 20 years and was only diagnosed with BPII last year, well better late then never,lol. I am also in cognitive therapy, which for now is helping me deal with my anxiety and frustrations that have triggered episodes in the past. Good luck.

[scott]

I know what you mean about the anxiety. Mine is pretty unmanageable lately. I was told that the Wellbutrin XL 150mg I was given for the ADHD was going to help with the anxiety but so far I haven't really had much relief from the ADHD or the anxiety so that will definitely be brought up Thursday at my appointment as well. I'm hoping the CBT coming up will help with some but I have my doubts on curing all of it. I've lived with it for so long I can't even imagine how awesome it would be to be rid of it except in appropriate circumstances.

[hippyhippy]

Hi Sschreiver,

welcome to BP town!

I don't have a dx os social anxiety but I deffo have probs with anx, particularly socially. I have had CBT and am now just embarking on an anx management course.

I'm hoping the CBT coming up will help with some but I have my doubts on curing all of it. I've lived with it for so long I can't even imagine how awesome it would be to be rid of it except in appropriate circumstances.

Can I make a suggestion? I don't want to upset you but I don't think CBT will 'cure' your anxiety. I had hoped this when I first became ill with anx. I have taken some time to come to learn, it is more about accepting I have anxiety problems, learning how I can deal with the physical symptoms of it and challenging myself on the negative/destructive thoughts. That is not a 'cure' as you may always find yourself anxious in certain situations but you learn how to work through that anxiety and not avoid the triggering event. If you succeed at this, in time, situations become easier so it can feel like a 'cure' in some situations. It basically becomes a life skill.
I wish you all the best for it and hope that you get the relief you hope for.
Hippy
x

[scott]

Thanks for that comment hippyhippy. As much as I try to fix myself back to how I think I should be I know some of it I am just going to have to accept. I just need reminded of that frequently. My biggest problem I'm trying to work on lately is recognizing and preventing triggers to the anxiety. I'm slowly doing better with that just in the last few days.

I went to what was supposed to be CBT yesterday but the therapist I was assigned to doesn't do that stuff. Mostly we just sat there and he asked me questions about my family and kind of just stared at me. It made me very angry for some reason. Several times throughout I got very hot and angry at the same time to the point I was sweating I was so angry and wanted to walk out as I thought it was a waste of time and money. I don't know if I'm going to continue going as I think I'm probably just not ready to do anything like that yet or it just may not be beneficial for me. I was expecting much more than I received. I will see what my psychiatrist has to say about this tomorrow.

Hope everybody else is doing well in town!

[mxchaos]

My moods are so up and down taking meds but the doc's say I have to eat to help them out. I can do it for a few days then go back to starving myself . It feels like I'm stuck and working on getting un stuck with my tdoc just wish it would happen faster I hate waiting for anything. Looking to get healthy over night.

[hippyhippy]

It's a long road sometimes eh?

Why do you starve yourself? Weight/control/bit both?

My pdoc told me when I was starving myself that if I had to do so, to try to at least eat a breakfast. He also recommended to me recently, Fruit corner yoghurts. They are easy to eat even if you are finding the very act of eatng difficult.

Hippy
xx

[nandm]

I am thankful to see that BP town is alive and well. Hippy it is good to read your posts it sounds like you are hanging in there and doing well right now. I am happy for you.

[mxchaos]

Originally Posted by hippyhippy

It's a long road sometimes eh?

Why do you starve yourself? Weight/control/bit both?

My pdoc told me when I was starving myself that if I had to do so, to try to at least eat a breakfast. He also recommended to me recently, Fruit corner yoghurts. They are easy to eat even if you are finding the very act of eatng difficult.

Hippy
xx

thanks for the tip on the yogurt
starvation equals control and I feel so out of control lately

[hippyhippy]

Hi there

Mxchaos...try to eat something, even if it is a little yoghurt. Do you have those Fruit Corners in US? They are ideal!

Nadm!!!!!!!!!!!! Where you been? Missed you!

I been a silly girl. Took an OD of my prescription meds. I had the most humiliating and degrading treatment at ER. No less than I can expect though. Then hospitalised in a mental health hospital on a 'go voluntary or you will be sectioned (committed) basis'

I am back home now with a (new) resolve to work hard at this and to beat it. It is so blooming hard though. I do all they say and yet I still feel like c**p. However....I will win!

Hippy
xx

[historyteach]

Oh, Hippy,
I'm so sorry to hear about this set back...
How are you doing?

I'm glad to hear your determination to work to get well.
It's doable, Hipster!
And you *can* do it!
We're with you!

Shalom!

[nandm]

Hippy, your strength and determination is inspiring. Thank you. I am glad to see you putting one foot in front of the other and not giving up.

Sorry for the long absence. Life has been good......so good it had me way too busy. Things have slowed down though now and I am determined to get back into SR more as I truly miss each of you and the opportunity to share and learn here.

[hippyhippy]

Nice to see you Nandm and so nice you have been absent due to life being good..... that is good news.
I don't deserve you guys praise for my determination to get better. It is long overdue. I got in the state I was in by mucking around with meds trying to get a high cos I enjoyed it so much. A comletely irresponsible mother. I have been reported to social services who may want to visit me so I will need to prove I am a competent parent.
However, I am not going to berate myself too much. I am living in the presnt and for now, that is enough. My girls are still fine thankfully. I just need to learn to live well with this bloody BP.

Teach....smoking??? Hows it going?

Hippy
xxx

[jurneyman]

Nandm, I am glad to see you back posting, and reading that you are doing good, being able to keep busy is a gift for some of us just in itself . You kept me going after the carrot of recovery by writing about your day to day up's and down's, which I very much needed at the time. The excellent example that you provided by visually showing your progression from taking a chance with no guarantees, all the way through the process to finishing, and completing what you had started. Have you continued producing or showing your work?

[nandm]

Thank you for the kind words. I truly appreciate them.

Yes, I have considered showing my work. I have a couple of coffee shops interested in showing my work. I also have developed a website and joined an online artists group which has monthly shows and competitions. The artists group has participants and judges from all over the world. It has been a great opportunity for feedback on my work. If you have any interest in seeing my work you can view it at Judith Ponder "Mefford"

It is ironic that jurneyman's reply spoke of my detailing the ups and downs of my bi-polar disease because although it was stable for several months I have come to realize that I started cycling again a month or so ago. This has become worse since changing to a generic form of Lamictal last month. I had several weeks of mania.....I just thought I was finally feeling normal again. In a good mood, had my sense of humor back, had an optimistic point of view again. The down side was I would go two or three days without sleep, was spending money that should have been saved for when the jobs are not there, and a very increased sex drive (which in and of itself would not be a bad thing since I am in a long term committed relationship but since my partner is in menopause it was not exactly good timing...lol). So I actully pulled up this thread to discuss what has been going on with this cycling.

I have finally crashed from the mania. Very flat, feel half dead, not suicidal, just no real zest for life, no reason to feel this way as no circumstances have changed, it is just that the chemicals in my brain have changed. I am fortunate to be able to realize and recognize what is going on as it allows me the opportunity to work with my psych doc to correct the imbalance. Although I have an appointment next month I called my doc today and she wants me to come in on Tuesday. As much as I hate the thought of another med change I am very fortunate that the current regimen lasted for over 2 years. I do hope that somehow we can find a new regimen that allows me to run a bit "manic" as it is the only time I feel normal.

It is amazing to me how people who are not bi-polar talk about how they feel, to me what they say sounds so much like what I feel like when I am a bit manic. Honestly I think part of it is also that I want to feel alive and I truly feel that way when I am in a "mania". When I bottom out and hit these lows it is such a struggle to just get through a day...all I feel like doing is sleeping but I know if I give into that feeling I will only feel worse and isolate more which is not going to make things better. I do hope that this crash slows down soon as it has become even worse today than it was yesterday or the day before when it started.

Hope everyone else is doing well. I know things will improve if I just hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[jurneyman]

nandm,Thanks for the update, When trying to deal with BP It is always good to hear when someone is accomplishing something that is for enjoyment rather then just survival. I really understand the positive feeling that comes with a mild manic shift.
The latest meds I am taking have removed the mania from my By-Polar II, and I miss it, but I do understand after my last episode what can happen if left unchecked. I am now just coming out of a few rough months, probably influenced to some extent by SAD. and living in the northeast it is quite prevalent in this area. I am just riding this out until my Pdoc feels comfortable with a change. He is keeping me on a tight reign, being afraid I might have another major multiple episode. Just keep on keepin on, no matter what.

[historyteach]

Hippy,
Living in the present is the best medicine of all for life.
I'm glad for you, and wish you well on your journey. When the social services come and see that, you'll be fine.

Judith,
Great to hear things are well. have you considered going back to the brand name Lamactil? Many people think that the generics are exactly the same as the brand names, but, often they are slightly different. There was one prescription, for acephex, that I couldn't take the generic for; it didn't work at all for me. Anyway, you may want to check it out rather than changing your whole drug routine.

Hippy, I'm now Two months, three days, 10 hours, 16 minutes and 22 seconds nicotine free!!! That's 1248 cigarettes not smoked, saving $374.57. Life saved: 4 days, 8 hours, 0 minutes. Nais gadol haya po! (A great miracle is happening here!)
Thanks for asking!

Shalom!

[grateful2b]

I haven't been here in a while ...but recently had my first bad episode in a long while. I have BP2 and PTSD

Nandm...glad you are back!

I had put myself on a lower dose of Lithium( with Doc's approval) and have been doing great for a good year and a half on that dose.

Recently, with my mother's pancreatic diagnosis, my addict brother coming to town after 30years and landing on my doorstep and my AD's continuing saga, it just all proved too much even with me managing to stay in my own hula hoop for most of it!
Even tho I have been BP2 for most of my life, (just didn't know it until 8 years ago) I think I still wrestle with the acceptance of its role in my life...
and I think that was the lesson here for me...
being on half the dose when there are no crisises on the horizon is one thing...I should have anticipated the overload, better self-care, especially with my PTSD, but I was complacent...
I understand now that I still have some work to do around how I think it defines me
thoughts on this...

[nandm]

Had my appointment yesterday with psyc doc. She added another med into the mix. It is extremely frustrating to have to take so much medicine on a daily basis knowing that I feel so much better when I am hypomanic. If that does now work to stabilize things she will cut my anti-depressant in half as she feels that might be what is causing the cycling. The med she added in caused me to gain 40 pounds in a matter of a few months last time I was on it. I am praying it doesn't happen again. If it seems like it is causing any weight gain I will have to tell her I can not take it. It is frustrating that with all the medical knowledge out there bipolar is still such a hard thing to treat and keep stable. I can see how I have still been cycling even on meds over the past few years. I take my medicines daily without missing doses. I even set up medicine boxes for 2 weeks at a time to make sure I do not miss doses. I realize that part of the continued cycling has been my fault. It is very difficult for me when I go into to see my psych doc every 3 months for a med check, if I am feeling ok at the time, my response has always been things are fine. Which has not been the whole truth. A more accurate response would be "things are fine right now but over the past few months I have had some hypomania and depressive episodes." With that information things might now have gotten to this point as she could have addressed these issues a year or so ago. I can see how even though I felt I was being honest, I failed to provide the facts to my doc.

So lesson learned and time to move forward. I am in the start of a hypomania state right now and have been for the past 2 days. I am getting better at recognizing them after this past episode which was quite severe. Although I felt great and normal for the first time in a long, long time I can in retrospect see it for what it was, a manic state. I did not sleep for days at a time and when I did sleep it was only 3-5 hours. I had so much energy. Had a horrible sex drive, hasn't been like that since my very early 20's. My brain was constantly going, yet couldn't seem to get much done. Was very obsessive about things, played a computer game non-stop. Could not paint. Spent way too much money that I did not have. Blew threw about $2000 and for someone unemployed that was not a good thing at all. I hate the bad things that come with a manic episode. If I could just have that optimistic feeling, the energy, and feel normal without the other things I could really love being manic. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way so I have to accept that and take the medicine to try and manage the episodes.

[historyteach]

(((Judith)))
I'm praying that you will find the right cocktail of meds to stabilize you quickly.
And I'm sorry you suffer so...

Shalom!

[mamabin]

I am in a depressive episode right now. This usually happens when the seasons change. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I've missed too much work to stay home, so I went, crying uncontrollably. My job requires me to take phone call which I hate, and it was hard to pull myself together. I haven't missed any of my meds, I've stopped drinking, I've increased my prozac. Last night I took a seroquel (200) mg and slept 10 hours. I just got up so I'm not sure what this day will bring.

I started this job last summer. I have worked there before and it was a last resort. They are structured to the point of being rigid. I didn't realize when they hired me that I would end up on the phone. They didn't tell us because it's hard to get people to do this job. So they pushed me through the process and different departments. When I had my episode last fall, it was embarrassing as I was in training and just could not think. The trainers hated dealing with me, I made the same mistakes over and over. I missed too much work

I also had a bad experience with generic lamictal. It sent me straight into a derpessive episode.

So I'm just hoping today is better than yesterday and I make it through my work night. I am still in training on this job. I'm one of the last ones still in training. There is alot of information to give out and there are certain things you can't say, certain things you have to say. You have to tell people things they don't want to hear. Last time I worked at this place my therapist told me is was a toxic atmosphere for me. But right now I have no choice.

All I know is that these depressive episodes are painfull and effect every aspect of my life. And I hate it. I'm tired of it. It makes me mad. And all this can't be helping.

[hippyhippy]

Hi Everyone,

so sorry you are having such a tough time at work just now mamabin. Sounds like you could do with a break.

Hope the meds work for you Nadm and without the weight gain. Your cycling sounds horrid.

Teach, thanks for your kindness. Social services not called yet but I expect they will when I least expect it. I just need to get stable for when they do. I am pretty stable (and compliant!) at the present, although still under weekly review.

Hippy, I'm now Two months, three days, 10 hours, 16 minutes and 22 seconds nicotine free!!! That's 1248 cigarettes not smoked, saving $374.57. Life saved: 4 days, 8 hours, 0 minutes. Nais gadol haya po! (A great miracle is happening here

!)Wahey! That is just fab! Welldone!

Hippy
xx

[scott]

grateful2b...do you have a lot of anxiety with your PTSD?

They recently added that diagnosis to my chart due to me talking in therapy about a childhood trauma.

Within another week they finalized their testing with ADD of the inattentive type and put that diagnosis on my chart but haven't started any medication yet. They're trying to pinpoint which one is causing most of the anxiety through therapy and such. Currently the flahsbacks I was fighting are getting better with the EMDR treatment which is really pretty cool! I recommend that for PTSD. After one treatment I can already notice a difference but it is INTENSE as far as recalling memories.

As far as the BP train goes, they put me on Abilify and took me off of the Invega as it wasn't working as well as they had hoped it would. the abilify makes me more alive I guess with no muscle pain and stiffness like the Invega was causing. They also gave me xanax that I'm supposed to take twice daily at 0.5mg that I've only been taking PRN cause I don't need another addiction on my hand. I've never had a problem with that class of drug and don't especially like taking it cause it makes me so tired but it does help with the flashbacks and anxiety I frequently have.

So far so good, have another appointment on the 27th with an ARNP who LISTENS to what I have to say and cares about how I feel. Just from getting a doc who cares I'm feeling better. My new EMDR certified therapist is great as well. I'll see her again next week. I feel like I'm finally getting on top of my life for the first time EVER and am contemplating getting a job but am going to make sure I can handle this abilify first as I'm gradually increasing the dose with a target of 10mg. So far so good...... WOOT!!!!

Wishing the best for everyone here!

-Scott

[nandm]

It is nice to see so many new faces here in BP town, mamabin and scott glad you are here.

Grateful, Hippy, and Historyteach good to see you as well.

I am learning so much about my bipolar disease through this book that I have been posting out of in the http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lar-facts.html (Interesting Bi-polar facts) thread. Although it has not changed my disease having a better understanding of why I am the way I am and that the things I thought were abnormal about me are just characteristic bipolar things. The good side of that is that I have more hope that with the right meds I can lead a fairly normal life again. The bad side if finding the right meds.

So far the addition of the lithium to my lamictal, Cymbalta, Klonopin mix has not helped a lot. I have cycled back up although not nearly as high as I was last month, which is a good thing. Also the depressive side was only present for about 3 or 4 days before I cycled back up. Although I am still having times during the day where I am up/down/up/down/up.......but at least the downs are short periods while the ups are much much longer. So now I am back to living on 3 or 4 hours sleep. Not real productive though as I have had a pretty bad chest cold the past 3 days. I do have a follow up appt with the psyc doc on the 4th and if things haven't improved by then I guess we will be dropping my cymbalta dose. That worries me as the depression side can easily be deadly for me. I am very worried about dropping off the edge of depression again. The struggle that comes with waking up in the morning with suicidal thoughts on the brain first thing I just don't know if I can handle again. I am praying that the lithium helps so I don't have to change my cymbalta and take a chance with the depression.

On another note...I recieved an email from my mother this morning stating that her mother, my grandmother, had died during the night. Today is now associated with two deaths and two births for me. My oldest sister, favorite sister, was born on March 21, her son died on this date in 1985, my youngest daughter was born on this date in 1995, and now my grandmother died on this date. My youngest daughter I have only seen once in the past 8 years. Her father has made it impossible for me to have a relationship with her. I am not going to go into the whole situation here other than to say it breaks my heart and if I were able to cry it would be one thing I know I would have trouble stopping crying over. Another death/birth associated with it is my partners brother, he was born on this day as well but he committed suicide in 2000 during her first year of sobriety. So I am a bit shell shocked right now with it all....can't really sort out any clear thoughts on it all....let alone emotions. But my mother really wants me to reply. My grandmother wanted to be cremated with no services or memorial. My mother is quite upset by that and wants all of us to share our feelings about my grandmother with her. How can I share what I don't know? I spoke with my sister today, the one who was born today, and suggested we go to the arbor day foundation and send my mom a tree to plant in memory of her mother. They have 7 acres that they could plant it on and it would give her something that she could see year round to appreciate and remember her mother by. Also I suggested we do the tree memorial for my grandmother for my mom.....the arbor day foundation will plant trees in someones memory. My sister thinks the idea is a good one. Still have to figure out what to say to my mother although it may just have to wait.