BP Town -- Open to anyone who rides the rollar coaster Pt III

[historyteach]

Thanks, mxchaos,
I'm supposed to see her today.

But, I also have a very vital union meeting today.
And I'm honestly torn cause the governor is going after our pensions and our pay and our health insurance at a time when we haven't had a raise in three years and we've been working without a contract for two years! And I'm at the breaking point financially!
So, I really don't know what I'm going to do, to be honest....

And whatever I do, it's going to hurt on the other end...
I hate these lose/lose decisions!

But, I'm glad you came over and joined us, mxchaos!!!

Panduh,
Glad your mood stabalizers are working for you! That can be the biggest hurdle for bipolars. When it works, it works, though, as they say!

Today is my second day not smoking. Wish me luck.

Shalom!

[mxchaos]

wow you certainly have a lot on your plate I hope things go well for you on all fronts.

good luck

[jurneyman]

HT, It always takes some of the load off my back, by turning it over to my Higher Power
and let Him help, that is what He asks us to do. Now quitting smoking that is a win/win situation, you not only save money, you save your health.
Panduh, I have had a Pdoc. for about 5 months, and I am also on a mood stabilizer, that
I have added a low dose of an anti depressant, since I have been in a low mood lately,
maybe because of the short daylight hours.
mxchaos, Welcome to the BP thread, what is happening with you that you are working on?

[historyteach]

Well, I decided to go see my counselor and say good bye.
And what a surprise I got!
She is not leaving!!!

Instead, a number of clients called and complained because she was leaving due to the fact that she was part time, therefore, no health benefits. She got another job. when people called -- lots of them -- the place offered her full time!
Long over due, I might add, too.

So, I missed my union meeting, but, I got good news, so, it's ok. I'll go downtown later this week to find out what I missed.

Thanks for your support, folks. :ghug

Shalom!

[mxchaos]

Glad she's not leaving now I hope you get good new from the union meeting.

You asked where I was from on my other thread. western Ma.

Still riding the coaster but my tdoc assures me that I'm doing good and to just keep working towards healthy. He doesn't want to mess with my meds just yet because they've been working good til now. The swings aren't that strong and I email my tdoc daily so he knows how I'm doing.

[historyteach]

Ok, I need your prayers; your good vibes to the universe or whatever it is you do.
You know I quit smoking. I have been using Chantix.
I'm out of it. And I don't have anymore. And I don't have any money to buy anymore. I have to buy heating oil and funds are scarce enough right now.

I don't want to smoke. Today is day four. If I hadn't have screwed up with the Chantix before, I would have had plenty, but, what's done is done. There is no more.

The good news is, I'm over the *physical* dependence. Nicotine withdrawal is about three days. The Chantix program is six months to help you get over the entire dependence. There's the behavioral and the psychological dependence too. You know, when you automatically reach for a sickarette after a meal or during a stressful period.

So, please just send out your loving prayers/vibes that I have the fortitude to get through this. I have my mantra which I use. It is this: Nais gadol haya po! -- A great miracle is happening here! Your vibes will help keep this miracle in the present tense!

Shalom!

[mxchaos]

Can you get samples from your doc? then go to the company website and see if they have scholarships. Until then I'll be sending good vibes your way.

[jurneyman]

HT, treat it as a drug which it is that you are powerless over, don't underestimate it's
additive nature, don't think it isn't so bad, it is and you know it. When I quit smoking while in recovery I used the N.A. way. The basics of one is to many, then its never enough. Ask your Higher Power directly in prayer to remove the obsession to smoke, that defies your ability to stop with your own free will, He doesn't want you damaging the vessel He gave you for your spirit, turn this over to your H.P. pray the Serenity prayer, use every tool that is available to you. Do this a day at a time or a minute at a time if necessary. It isn't easy to change an ingrained habit. Find things that could replace smoking at your weakest times, It is said the best way to quit a habit is to find something to replace it. It is so easy to give up and try again some other time, when it won't be so difficult, that will never come life will always be difficult. Don't believe, put your faith in, and need a drug to do it for you, especially if you believe you won't be able to get that drug. Just do every thing you can not to give in, its not worth it.

[hippyhippy]

Hi folks,
Just started from page 4 so if I missed anything I am sorry.

Teach…good luck with the not smoking. I will send you all my good positive vibes.
I am so glad for you that your counsellor is not leaving. That must ease things a bit eh?

Guys, I am not very great just now. Can I please just offload a little? I feel very alone just now. My ramblings will explain why.

Some stuff that I am afraid of is coming to pass. I have had it indicated to me recently by someone very close to that they reckon I am in control of my illness and can make the choice whether to be well or not. I have had a mental health worker fuel my fears that my mental health support team are not to be trusted. Today, I have been told by someone close that I like the drama of it all. (BP)


I say to people, professionals, my husband, that I know I am not well, not with BP, but I believe I could make myself better if I really wanted to, but I don’t know why I don’t. I say to them that I am just a drama queen. I tell them that I worry they are laughing/scorning/.talking about me because of this. These are MY fears. These are my hurdles to get over.


When I say this, I get told that I am unwell, with BP. I get told by hubs that no one in their right mind would willingly put our family through what we have been through this last two years. He says I am ill. I get told my fears of being a drama queen are as a result of childhood events. I get told the only talking the mental health team do about me is to discuss my state of health. I don’t believe any of them any more.


To have three different people in less than a week say to me what I suspect to be true is too much. I obviously have some twisted, warped mind, not an unwell one. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I really really don’t know. I apologise to all you people who do have BP. I really truelly am sorry. I really am truelly sorry for my dramas. I don't know why I behave as I do.


I don’t know where to go with this. I have to get better but I don’t think I can. I turn here because you guys have helped me. Oh God, I don't know what I am trying to get at but I just feel so blooming scared just now and so unbelievably alone.


I truelly do not know what way to turn. Everything is closing in and I can’t fight what is going on in my head. I am really lost and I know not where to go. My support worker is coming tomorrow and I can’t tell her for fear I am a drama queen, for fear the mental health team are thinking “oh...her again" I can’t tell hubs as it makes me a selfish so and so, I can’t tell anyone who can help me. I have to be able to do this alone and I don't know how to.

Sorry. Truelly sorry. Don't know who to speak to anymore. All I can do is cry and fear the lack of knowledge of how to get out of this place. I am not going to do anything stupid so please no one worry about that. The thoughts are there though and they are becoming stronger and stronger. Every day I think really bad stuff. Why am I doing this? If I am in control....why am I being so evil to think such things? Why when I have two beautiful girls am I thinking such things?

All I know for sure is, I am not well. If all I need to do is be determined to get better why can't I do it?

Sorry guys. I just don’t know who to talk to. I am so afraid they are all thinking bad things about me.

Hippy

[historyteach]

I have had it indicated to me recently by someone very close to that they reckon I am in control of my illness and can make the choice whether to be well or not. I have had a mental health worker fuel my fears that my mental health support team are not to be trusted. Today, I have been told by someone close that I like the drama of it all. (BP)

Hippy,
Please, consider the source. What expertise do they have?
You know that everyone has opinions. So what? You also know what they say about opinions!

I say to people, professionals, my husband, that I know I am not well, not with BP, but I believe I could make myself better if I really wanted to, but I don’t know why I don’t. I say to them that I am just a drama queen. I tell them that I worry they are laughing/scorning/.talking about me because of this. These are MY fears. These are my hurdles to get over.

Yes, they are your fears and your hurdles to overcome. And I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult time.

Your loving husband and your medical team are confirming exactly what you know to be true; what you state yourself. Your mind is unwell.

And that's one of the biggest hurdles of mental illness. Because it is our mind that is unwell, we cannot measure accurately the extent of our experiences at times. It is the very part of the body that is able to do that measurement that is ill.

I would like you to do a search of your previous post, Hippy. You'll see that you've had these exact thoughts before. I'm *not* saying that you're wrong. Please do not misunderstand me. I do not know. I have no first hand knowledge.

I only know what you've written before; what you say your loving husband says; what your medical team says; and yes, even what you say at those time you accept that you have a mental illness.

If you can get over it by yourself, I have no doubt that you will. But, I pray that you are not listening to ignorant people who are telling you to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." They wouldn't tell you to do that if you had a broken leg. But, in their ignorance, many people tell those of us with mental illness to "get over it." Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

We do not have any obligation to explain anything to them. We only have a duty to take care of ourselves. Please do take care of yourself, Hippy. We care about you...

Shalom!

[jurneyman]

Hippy, When I first was driven to this site I thought I was crazy, fear and anxiety were controlling my life, the paranoia wouldn't let me answer the phone or go outside, I really
believed I was losing my sanity. For years I was treated and misdiagnosed for BP. It wasn't until this site gave me the idea that I could be BP2 which has many of the similarities to BP but without the major manic episodes.

I started looking up sites that specialized in BP2 which has just recently been recognized by the AMA as a different and legitimate form of depression and should be treated differently. My mental meltdown was a form of mixed anxiety and depression that is sometimes associated with BP2. How many times over the last 6 months or so that I have recognized what you were going through and commented on it. Even the times of creativity which is also associated with BP2.

It is just possible your mental health team just doesn't know what to do with you and feel helpless like some of my previous Drs were. BP2 can be more complicated and take longer to treat but I have been improving slowly and really do feel better. I have recognized so many of your symptoms including the ones you spoke about today, I have lived through it and got through to the other side.

It took me awhile to find a Pdoc. who knew about and understood the differences between them, I had Drs tell me they knew but didn't, even if you have tried before try again until you find someone who knows how to treat BP2. Don't give up and don't quit. Talk to your caseworker about it, I am going to say it again, they are different and should be treated as such. Find out everything you can about BP2 and follow up on it I did and I thank God that I did. If you research it and feel it is not what you are going through at least you eliminated something that is close but not the same. Give it a go.

[mxchaos]

I think your team needs to hear how you are feeling because you don't have to. It's not your fault your having symptoms. Could you write them a letter or email on how you feel?

[hippyhippy]

Thank you both.

Teach, I know I have been in a similar place before. You have all been so patient with me and my difficulties in accepting BP. Nothing makes sense to me. No one explains. My pdoc has never said I am rapid cycling or having mixed episodes. I don't know what is happening to me. It is not like any BP I have ever read about. He told me I looked better the last time I saw him but I feel like I am heading towards hospital.

My sources were my mother who told me I had to make sure I stayed well to support hubs in his difficulties.
The mental health worker who said what she did was blooming silly. She should never ever have said to me what she did. I have major trust issues as it is. However....she did and it has rocked my fragile confidence in my care team.
It was my closest friend who said I enjoyed the drama of it because of something stupid I did. I did it not out of enjoyment...I did it out of reckless stupidity and lack of thought into the consequences of my actions. I haven't enjoyed it...it has made me incredibly scared I am going to get into trouble.

Jurney. Thank you. I have pushed my pdoc for explanations. He will not say I am BP1 BP2 Cyclothymic..or anything. He just insists on saying I have 'Bipolar affective mood disorder' I have been advised not to push for another pdoc another diagnoses as I may find myself with a personality disorder for my troubles. I am too afraid in case this happens. My pdoc is a senior well respected consultant and I don't imagine there are many who would disagree with him. Don't get me wrong. I respect him and I think he cares. He just doesn't tell me anything.

I am going to try to get myself together enough to talk to my support worker tomorrow. I need to talk.

Thanks for listening to me. I will try not to let the panic take over.

Hippy
xx

[hippyhippy]

Thank you too mxchaos. we must have been posting same time. I am going to try to talk tomorrow.
Hippy

[mxchaos]

Moody me is down and feeling worthless
I've been working hard to stay healthy and do healthy
and I'm still having mood swings. I wounder if I'll ever find peace.
This is the best my meds have ever worked and my team says it's up to me to choose healthy and work at it. So damn hard somedays.

Living on my own for the last 2 months has been good for me in some ways but days like today I wish I was at home being a full time mom.

just down

[mxchaos]

was sick all night but feeling fine now shouldn't have eaten all that junk food.

[hippyhippy]

Not got many words of wisdom mxchaos but wanted you to know I had read your post and felt for you
(((hugs)))
Hippy
xx

[mxchaos]

feeling better and spent some time with husband last night it was really nice we are so getting along now that we don't live with each other.

[historyteach]

Hippy,
I think you should tell your doc that the lack of a specific diagnoses is adding to your anxiety and confusion. Just ask him/her to tell you what s/he thinks, and to tell you the truth is s/he is unsure at this point. If that's the case, to please keep you apprised as things become clearer. I personally think that the doc would be quite pleased to see you taking such a proactive stand on your health.

mxchaos,
Sorry you weren't feeling well. But, glad that you and the hubs are getting along better.

I'm still not smoking. It's been Six days, 8 hours, 12 minutes and 18 seconds now. That's 126 cigarettes not smoked, saving $38.05. Life saved: 10 hours, 30 minutes. And I still have no chantix. Yesterday, I had some real cravings, but, there were some emotional moments as I was cleaning out my mom's house. I think that's what trigger them. But, I got by it, and remain smoke free!

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

Hippy,
I think you should tell your doc that the lack of a specific diagnoses is adding to your anxiety and confusion. Just ask him/her to tell you what s/he thinks, and to tell you the truth is s/he is unsure at this point.

Hi teach, in terms of specific diagnoses as far as he is concerned he has given me one. He doesn't diagnose BP1 or BP 2 as far as I can see. He always just says 'Bipolar Affective Mood Disorder' he explains it as being on a spectrum and that BP doesn't have to fit neatly into BP1 or BP2. When I have asked him what is happening to me before, he got a bit shirty and he said "You have a disease" a comment that I took great offence at as I feel the word 'disease' holds real negativity, like I was contaminated. He then changed the word to 'illness', which I found more acceptable.
He said to me at another time that he will 'never ever' change his mind about my diagnoses. He is 100% certain of my condition.
However, I see him in a weeks time. I will ask him again to explain why I am all over the place.

:

I'm still not smoking. It's been Six days, 8 hours, 12 minutes and 18 seconds now. That's 126 cigarettes not smoked, saving $38.05. Life saved: 10 hours, 30 minutes. And I still have no chantix. Yesterday, I had some real cravings, but, there were some emotional moments as I was cleaning out my mom's house. I think that's what trigger them. But, I got by it, and remain smoke free!

well done you! Keep up the good work! That is a great achievement! Ciggies are dearer here. 6 packs of 20 would be about £36....$52!
When my hubs gave up, he put every bit of money in a tin that he would have spent on cigs and it really gave him a buzz to see it mounting up.

Hippy
xx

[mxchaos]

still feeling up and down still working a healthy program except for the eating have an appointment tomorrow hopefully we can sort out why things are spinning around.

[mxchaos]

Hate living life on the roller coaster. Lots of changes in the past year and they tell me I've come along way but I feel like it's not good enough. Getting sober, taking meds, sticking to meetings, working with my team and there are still parts of my life that feel so out of control.

I'd love a few days of serenity just to know that I've worked hard at a healthy life.

[hippyhippy]

Hi Peeps,

how are you all? This place sure is quiet these days.

I have just had a few days in hospital, after having a mixed episode and the most awful withdrawals from Quetiapine. I don't understand why my pdoc changed this. The Valproate I could understand, but not my quetipine. I Really wasn't well but I got out quite quickly. Thankfully I wasn't sectioned (committed)
I was having thoughts of self harm and I was scared I would lose the cool with my kid s.So, I do what any sensible/caring mother would do and asked for help, to be admitted to hospital. The doc at the hospital said he believed I was no danger to my kids, that I was having obsessive irrational thoughts brought about by the mixed episode. However, the witch who admitted me reported me to social services. I could understand if I was still in the situation (ie home) and saying I was a danger...but I wasn't. So, to ad to my ever increasingly chaotic and stressful life, we have the worry of what will happen next.

This roller coaster has so many peaks and troughs, it is unbelievable.

Anyway, how are you all? You still off the ciggies Teach?

I miss Live, Cinders, Nadm....not seen them here for such a long time.

Hippy
xx

[historyteach]

Hippy!!!
Glad to see you!
I hope nothing comes of that witch reporting yuo. You did the responsible thing! Talk about unintended consequences, huh?

I am still off the sickarettes! It's been Three weeks, six days, 9 hours, 30 minutes and 58 seconds. 547 cigarettes not smoked, saving $164.38. Life saved: 1 day, 21 hours, 35 minutes.
Nais gadol haya po!
(A great miracle is happening here! )

I hope others come back and join in. This thread is too good to let die!

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

I am still off the sickarettes! It's been Three weeks, six days, 9 hours, 30 minutes and 58 seconds. 547 cigarettes not smoked, saving $164.38. Life saved: 1 day, 21 hours, 35 minutes.

Coooooooooooool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hippy
xx