BP Town -- Open to anyone who rides the rollar coaster Pt III

[historyteach]

Oh, GOOD LUCK, Hippy!!!

Let us know how it goes, ok?
I really am interested, and I care...

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

Thanks teach, you are lovely!

Had pdoc appt this morning. It went really well. I was honest, told him the whole lot of my destructive behaviours. He has altered my meds a bit.
My anx was obvious and he certainly didn't think I was tryin to pull the wool over his eyes. In fact, I didn't have to ask him to write a letter, he offered.He dictated a letter there and then to say I was still fluctuating in mood, I was unfit for work and unfit for interview. It will be sent to me and I forward it to my work. This may backfire and prompt my work to pay me off but I don't actually care just now. At least it will get it over and done with.

I don't know why I get so worked up cos he has always been so supportive of me.

Best bit for last....He said there is no problem with me re applying for my license!

Now I just have the disability employment adviser to see this afternoon. Next chapter follows later!

Hippy
xx

[historyteach]

Oh, Hippy,
I'm SOOOOO happy for you!!!
I pray that it all works out for you,
And you are so good to lay it out truthfully to your doc!
See how it can work out so well!

Let's hope that the next phase works out just as well, but,
you know,
I have the feeling it will.

Shalom!

[crazybabie]

Hi, I hope I am not intruding here. I was DX with bipolar in 1991 along with panic attacks with agoraphobia and BPD. Thought I would check your thread out and say hello.

Angie

Normal is a cycle on a washing machine.

[hippyhippy]

Hi Angie,
you are certainly not intruding. This is a friendly welcoming thread. Make yourself at home! You sound like you have a bit going on with the triple dx. How do you/are you managing it all?

Excuse me whilst I screeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmm! I think the world is just mad! My hubs and I have a testing time coming up. His conduct at work is being investigated. In the meantime, he has been located elsewhere. There is a very real chance of him being fired. Soooooooo, both of us losing our jobs will be a great one eh? Mortgage to pay, no money.....
I feel mad cos while what happened is more than understandable, his type of work does not allow for lapses in judgement. He made a bad move. A silly move but not anything that is going to shake the world. So the spectre of this hanging over us is gonna be just fab...not!

I want to go to sleep and waken up when my families life is normal and stress free. I feel so inadequate as I realise I have to support my hubs but my default setting at the mo is STRESS ALERT. I feel so bad and wrong wanting to reach for my anti anx meds when it is his situation. I hate Benzo's but I am going to be reaching for them breakfast lunch and dinner methinks.

I wonder what odds a bookie would give for me remanining stable for longer than 3 months? 1000000000-1 probably!

Ignore me and the pity party. I just need to vent. I wish I was a stronger person just now.

Hippy
xx

[jurneyman]

Hi Hippy, I am finally starting to try working in the shop for 3 or 4 hrs a day. I am finally starting to see a few good days in a row instead of swinging back and forth between anxiety/fear and depression/hopelessness. I had no place to go, I really was at my bottom, and with no other option, I truly in my heart got on my knees and turned my insanity over to God, even though I couldn't feel his presence in me anymore, I thought I had lost all contact with Him forever. Nothing was changing I was missing bankruptcy payments, I had to sell my favorite old Martin guitar, showing God that I would sell anything I owned to pay my bills. There was no immediate turnaround but ever so slowly and painfully, I started to feel like I might want to live again, and it has got a little
better, not every day but enough to thank God, and start trying to see what I could do to start getting back on my feet. It can get better even when all hope is lost, if you remember some of my posts from months ago that is where I was. Please keep looking for what will work for you, if it feels right pray about it and do your best.

[historyteach]

Originally Posted by crazybabie

Hi, I hope I am not intruding here. I was DX with bipolar in 1991 along with panic attacks with agoraphobia and BPD. Thought I would check your thread out and say hello.

Angie

Normal is a cycle on a washing machine.

Welcome to the MH forum of SR, crazybabie!
Stick around; read the forum stickies and let us know a bit about yourself. Hippy is right; we are a friendly group here, very supportive and careing for each other. I look forward to getting to know you.

Shalom!

[historyteach]

Oh, Hippy;
I'm sorry to hear about the hubby's problems!
I hope it turns out ok. Please let us know how it's going.
But, in the meantime, you just continue doing the next right thing for yourself.
You know it's necessary, and the best for everyone involved, right?

Jurneyman,
So glad to hear you're doing better.
Sorry about the guitar...That sucks, but,
You make a good point about looking for what is right for you;
Praying on it and doing it.
It's all about doing the next right thing, now, isn't it?
Keep up the good work!

Shalom!

[crazybabie]

[QUOTE=hippyhippy;2008240]Hi Angie,
you are certainly not intruding. This is a friendly welcoming thread. Make yourself at home! You sound like you have a bit going on with the triple dx. How do you/are you managing it all?

Years of therapy, my medication and a higher power I suppose.
Today has been a good day..on a not so good day I see black or white no gray of course this will become obvious as time passes.

I have found that if I can make myself remember to look for any lil good thing no matter how small then I have found the silver lining in the clouds.

It gets really hard as all of you know and I am a rapid cycler lucky me. I care for my son who has a DX of schizoaffective and antisocial personality and he is addicted as well.

Meedless to say sometimes I do hide in my bed and hope it will all be gone when I wake up.

I will be married for 25 years on valentines day. We have three children.
That is a little about me.

[historyteach]

I have found that if I can make myself remember to look for any lil good thing no matter how small then I have found the silver lining in the clouds.

Sometimes, that's the best we can do.
Do you keep a gratitude journal? I found that it is a good thing, especial during the dark days.

I will be married for 25 years on valentines day. We have three children.

That's wonderful! I'm so happy you have a solid base of support.

Shalom!

[jurneyman]

HT, Thanks for trying to help me stay positive. It was very hard after the one person
left that I could believe, use as an example, and who was actually living, and pushing through the same mental personal HeII, and misery that defines depression, as I was at that time. Because of inspiration and guidance that I couldn't even see, I stayed and continued to try and hope it would get better, even thou I really didn't believe it.

Crazybabie, HT stated that we care very much, and we do, we don't always have the answers but will always try to help, because unless someone has been to the very bottom, they just cannot truly and fully understand the total hopelessness, when giving up, and wanting to die is an option. Nobody else but a fellow sufferer who has carried this same burden, and knows the work it takes just to get out of bed and do the basics. These I have described in detail in earlier posts, so there is no need to repeat them here. I have a long way to go, but that hopelessness has slowly dissipated, allowing me to gratefully continue trudging the path of a happy destiny. Please keep trying no matter what it takes, I have and it does get better, never as fast as we want it, but depression
in any form is not an exact science and it might take painful and frustrating trial and error. The people on this thread, who will share their personal experience, strength, and hope just might help you get through to the other side, having been there and done it.

Hippy, Please hang in there, keep trying to be persistent in looking for those that can help you, don't let the dark side win, keep faith, and try to believe that the universe has better plans in the future for you and your hubby, even like myself you don't believe, understand, or see them yet. Just try not to quit before it happens, you are a child of the universe a spirit who deserves the very best, don't forget or underestimate that power. I normally do not like to recommend a medication unless I have personally tried it. What finally did help to lower my anxiety that kept triggering my depression was ABILIFY/aripiprazole, again I am not recommending that you try this medication, just that it along with others helped me. PM me anytime, sometimes it helps just to have an
understanding target to vent at.

[historyteach]

Jurneyman,
Keep posting and letting us know how you're doing.
I've been there myself. It took years for me to get where I am today. Others sometimes forget that. I never will forget those dark days. It helps me to continue trying to do the next right thing.

And I've been on SR for a number of years now; first as a member, now as a mod. One thing I can say with certainty. People come and go all the time for any number of reasons. In the end, it only means they were ready to move on. And we bless them on their journey.

Many return. They are always welcome. Because, as Jon, the founder of SR once said, we don't shoot our wounded here. The sole purpose of SR is to get and give help and support. That's why we're here.

Shalom, friend!

[jurneyman]

HT, Thank you, and this thread again, for your support. In many posts I have given this forum almost full credit for helping me find out about BI-Polar II of which had no knowledge of at the time I signed up. I just stated how I honestly felt about a situation that I was powerless to change. Everyone has a God given freedom to make their own choices. At the time that it happened I was more in need of example then support, and if you read my post I also stated that I am continuing to try hoping it will get better even with what happened. What I try to say, I usually equate to AA. In this case just as I would tell a newcomer, no matter what happens don't change what is working, as an example your sponsor quits, or gets drunk, remember he or she is only human and not perfect. Just continue to work your program, and find another sponsor.

[hippyhippy]

Hi folks,

Jurneyman, thank yu for your message. I am so sorry you had to sell your guitar. I am glad you are finding a way out of the hole though.
Thanks for mentioning Abilify. I don't think it is as popular here in Uk as I don't know many people who are on it. At the mo, we are still persevering with the Lamotragine. If it doesn't work, I may mention it to my pdoc. I wanted to ask about Buspar too. Managing stress and anxiety needs to be key for me at the moment.

Teach

But, in the meantime, you just continue doing the next right thing for yourself.
You know it's necessary, and the best for everyone involved, right?

I will try hon. I am continuing on the path I am with work. Knee jerk reaction is to ignore the fact I am not fit for work and get myself back there in case we end up wageless. However, I am not succumbing to the knee jerk. I have to believe all will turn out alright.

Crazybabe, I am a rapid cycler too. I still fuctuate ultra rapidly in mood, but the extremes are less and shorter lived. I responded well to Lamotragine (Lamictal) but it unfortunately doesn't like me very much! I keep on getting a mad itch. Luckily very small doses are doing something for me. I am now, for the umpteenth time, trying AGAIN to rise from 25mg to 50mg. So far so good. It is usually on the 50mg dose that the itch comes back.
It will be nice getting to know you.

Situation is not great at the mo. Just trying to not let fear overtake. We (my family) have so much more than many people inthe world. If we end up having less than we do at the moment, we will still be luckier than billions of people. At some times in life, it helps to reflect on what you have, rather than what you haven't.

Love to you all.
Hippy
xx

[historyteach]

We (my family) have so much more than many people inthe world. If we end up having less than we do at the moment, we will still be luckier than billions of people. At some times in life, it helps to reflect on what you have, rather than what you haven't.

Oh, Hippy! What a WONDERFUL attitude to have!!!

Thank you for sharing that frame of mind.
It's so easy to fall into dispair when things go bad.
But, you are a shining example to all of us to remember to look at what we *have* and to be grateful!

Shalom!

[jurneyman]

Hippy, Don't be sorry about my guitar. The changing from a place of want, came from praying for courage to face the fear of losing what I had, to that of faith, hope, and acceptance. Selling it not only paid a bankruptcy payment, in my mind it freed me from the yoke of stagnation that I was trapped by.

Sacrificing that guitar, something that was the most important material object in my life for years, and my last connection to the days of alcoholism, and drug abuse, that I always in denial called partying.

It was with me during my tour in the service, and after I got out It was strapped the to the bar of a motorcycle as I traveled the country. I always said I wanted it to be buried with me. I am now slowly finding the ability to work again, and finding other way's to save my house and shop. This all happened because I voluntarily gave up something I feared I would, and never wanted to lose, to gain something more important, the ability to enjoy life instead of just enduring it. Sharing the experience of the way you are changing, looking for the positive in a tough situation, not only helps others it helps you to see by holding on to what you have, and fearing its loss, keeps you from moving on to something better. Keep looking and praying for guidance and never quit trying.

I am really not trying to tell you what to do, but just what has worked for me. I also
had to slowly increase my dosage of lamotragine, and what made a difference in my tolerance was along with the 25mg cutting another one in half to 37.5 mg instead of going directly from 25mg to 50 mg. of which I had to stay on that amount for 2 weeks before my PDr. increased it. I am now doing well on 200mg that took over 3 months to reach, I didn't care how long it took, because it was my last chance, I had tried everything else that was available.

Along with the Lamotragine I also take 5mg of the Abilify to start with, and so far it seems to be helping, I am not yelling at the computer anymore. I am now also up to 200mg's of Wellbutrin XR., and I hope this is the final combination, except an increase in the Abilify if it is needed. I know this has been a long post, but I believe nothing should be left out when dealing with medications. May God bless and guide you.

[crazybabie]

I am in the midst of a mixed epsoide. I had rather be depressed anytime than mixed. Actually my preferance is hypomania yeah not good but we all know why one would rather be hypo than depressed.

I hit full blown mania once and once was to many times for me.
I see my doctor on Thursday I hope this nixed is over by then.
We have tried everything so he says, even added synthroid to try and speed the metabolization sp? of the meds.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. Gonna go take a nap before hubby gets home.

[hippyhippy]

Hi folks,

not looking for sympathy, I sure as eck don't deserve it. Just to talk I suppose.

Positive frame of mind didn't last long...sorry.

Had a really destructive weekend.
Scared myself a bit. Thought yesterday I was going to end up in hospital. Body and brain were protesting.

The weird thing is, I knew what I was doing, it was not accidental, I knew I was playing with fire. I suppose it was a kinda s/h.

Back on the wagon again..............how many times will I say this before it is for real?

Hippy
xx

[cinderellawkids]

Im not doing well. Feel like sinking in quicksand, hate everything, just plain unhappy and eerilie calm, with moments of rage, out of nowhere.
Feel like Im barely functioning anymore just enough to get by

[historyteach]

Jurneyman,
Seems like the change in meds is doing you well. I hope it continues for you, and gets even better!

I'm sorry you are hurting, Crazy, Hippy and Cinder. But, I was struck by something in all of your posts. it seems that you're all dealing with anger? And Jurney, you were too, before the meds began helping, yes?

Anyway, I'm just wondering if the holiday season has anything to do with this anger you're all feeling. Many of us deal with emotional upsets during the holidays. We see the commercials, and our lives are definately not those "Hallmark" moments. And sometimes, it can really hurt to be alone; or to feel alone in the middle of a crowd of our family and friends. I know my depression would sometimes manifest in anger.

Anyway, it's just a thought, and perhaps, it may help if there is something to it. Reaching in; finding the answers and then, reaching out for the support we need, but, often are afraid to ask for, can help fill that empty void.

I hope this makes some sense...

Shalom!

[jurneyman]

Yes Ht, I will go into it more maybe tomorrow Time to try and get some sleep, I have
to get up early to see my Pdr and then counseling for my anger and frustration, how about that, and I didn't think anyone noticed when I kicked my front door in when I locked my keys inside, I went through that day in a post awhile back, it was the same day I grabbed a bookcase and slammed it to the floor.This didn't come from being envious of someone else's life, this is because I can't do anything this F'in depression that came out of knowhere after over 20 years of working my ass off to stay sobor,
and know I have to try and survive without the drugs and alcohol that helped me more then any anti-depressant, until recently the depression is better but the anxiety and anger is still laying just below the surface, I scared myself a few weeks ago, almost
losing control when somebody told me I was a burden on the people who still work.

[hippyhippy]

Cinders, sorry you are going through a tough time. I hope things will pick up soon.
Teach, my psychologist seems to think all my problems come from supressed anger. Things from the past, things in the present. I don’t know…maybe he is right. It is not always appropriate to share anger though. Yes, I am angry at my hubs just now but what would it do to tell him that just now? Make him feel worse and he feels bad enough as it is.
You are so right about the time of year. I have tried to convince myself I am not worried this year but I am. The past two January’s I have ended up in hospital. I hate the time of year from boxing day until about the 10th of January. It has always been a miserable time of my life, branded with fear and anxiety. I have scary thoughts and I try not to give them houseroom but I fear that all I am doing is suspending them. I truelly am scared of the time after Christmas.
Jurneyman, it is good that you have a counsellor to discuss your anger. That is a positive. I don’t know the answers but I can relate to your rage and throwing the bookacase down. I wrecked a room of my house recently…thankfully only I was in at the time.
Hippy
xx

[historyteach]

I deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder -- a depression brought on by the lack of sunshine in the winter months. Since I'm now aware of it, it can't hit me by surprise this year! LOL! I have a plan in place. I just wish I was able to go away on vacation during the winter, but, it doesn't look like that's going to happen again...
However, that's another thing to look at this time of year, for sure!

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

Teach,
have you tried one of those 'daytime bulbs? Some people say they are great for SAD. Might be wortha try if you haven't. You can buy them in UK for about£10, so I wouldn't imagine they would be expensive in US. I thinjk they are called full spectrum bulbs or something like that.

A vacation would be nice. We can have a virtual one right here in BP town! We have forgotten about our second home recently!
The camp beside the river....it is always warm and bright in the daytime. There are beavers, otters and heron among the many wildlife to be seen. The nights are cooler but crisp and clear skied...the fire keeps us warm. We fall asleep hearing the hooting of an owl, the shuffling of a hedgehog and the flutter of bats.
All is calm in BP town.

Peace and calm everyone
Hippy
xx

[jurneyman]

HT,I feel better now that I got some sleep. I will see if I can find the site that I ran across that specializes in Winter SAD. Hippy's suggesston about using the light bulbs has worked for many people, but the problem is, for the full spectrum bulbs to have any real effect, they should be used at least a couple hours a day.

I used to do my development work in the shop during the day, and then do my research at night. Since I didn't have much money, I had to be able to justify spending what little I had. At first I tried two of them at my desk, and computer, then another one behind me to radiate on a gland at the back of my neck that is supposed to be affected by lack of normal sunlight. What I personally experienced, is that they might not only help winter SAD, they reduced my eyestrain. I then installed two more, one at my drafting board, and another one at my blueprint table. Sometimes working late into the night they really were much more comforting on my eyes, because the soft natural light does not reflect. The concentrated light box is probably better. but the individual bulbs are much more convenient by being able to be used in different locations.

I had researched and tried many different bulbs over the years, and found just one that was the most efficient for my money. As a suggestion, please don't waste your hard earned money either, on cheap imitations, The bulb I found to be the best is sold by Swanson Health Products and is named the FULL-SPECTRUM COMPACT FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULB. If you would like more info send me a P.M..