BP Town -- Open to anyone who rides the rollar coaster Pt III

[hippyhippy]

Hi folks,

not been in for a long time. I have an awful time loading this site. It is very slow for me.
I have not the concentration to read everything, but I just wanted to say "Hi" and I wish you all well. Some of you I don't know, others, you know who you are.
I have been on a roller coaster for a bit. Ashamed to say that I have been drinking, pretty much every day for 3 months. Not huge amounts, but regular. I have pdoc tomorrow and it is confession time. I told him last time I would stay dry until I saw him next......
Oh well.....day no 1......

Hope to talk with you all more regularly.

Hippy
xx

[RockyGirl]

Hiya!!! I am new to BP town lol...but I have posted on SR the mental health forums before as a lot of your probably know...

I am doing okay at the moment looking forward to starting my work placement on Tuesday (working in a veterinary place)

The only problem is I can feel a manic sort of mood coming on i'm starting to get really anxious and racing thoughts again...but I had my meds adjusted yesterday so hopefully that will sort the mood out :-D

hope you are all having a lovely night...or day...wherever you are and whatever you're doing!

Aimee

[nandm]

((((hippy))))))))) you are missed when you are not around. Sorry to hear things are not going as well as when I last heard from you. Hoping that the appt with the pd doc will get things back on track for you.


Rockygirl, great to see a new face here in BP town. Pick a home site and build your house, part your trailer and enjoy our safe little town in cyberland. No rules here just speak your mind and share your experiences (good or bad), your strengths, weaknesses, hopes, support, and fears. Just whatever you feel at the moment. Just watch out for Barbs goats as they do eat the roses....lol (joke related to the very beginning on this thread)

[RockyGirl]

Originally Posted by nandm

((((hippy))))))))) you are missed when you are not around. Sorry to hear things are not going as well as when I last heard from you. Hoping that the appt with the pd doc will get things back on track for you.


Rockygirl, great to see a new face here in BP town. Pick a home site and build your house, part your trailer and enjoy our safe little town in cyberland. No rules here just speak your mind and share your experiences (good or bad), your strengths, weaknesses, hopes, support, and fears. Just whatever you feel at the moment. Just watch out for Barbs goats as they do eat the roses....lol (joke related to the very beginning on this thread)

lol ahh so it's a private joke!!!! sounds funny!

My work placement went well (first day was today) very interesting and illuminating!!! I still feel a bit weird and I'm going to ask my parents to take care of my meds because I don't feel altogether stable but yeah...it's all good apart from that!

hope you are well and good???

[least]

I often wonder why I even bother to try to do 'the right thing'. Seems like everything I do is wrong. I'm tired of getting back up only to be knocked down again. This time, I'm staying down so I won't get knocked on my ass again.

[nandm]

(((least))) sorry to hear that you feel you have been kicked down again. Life can be such a struggle for everyone but especially for those of us who also have the daily struggle of mental illness.

There are times when I wish I had a disease that was more visible like cancer because with mental illness people tend to not treat it as a disease instead we are shunned, treated "crazy", treated as second class citizens, made fun of, treated as though our disease was imaginary, etc.... We are treated in ways people would never dream of treating a "sick" person. I don't know if that is why you were kicked down or not but either way I am sorry you have to struggle so.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by RockyGirl

lol ahh so it's a private joke!!!! sounds funny!

Not really private just refers to the first part of this thread. But was fun.

My work placement went well (first day was today) very interesting and illuminating!!!

Glad to hear the work placement went well. Work can be such a struggle when dealing with mental illness. I unfortunately have been out of work for over 3 years now due to my disease. Had to retire from a nursing career of over 20 years and a paramedic career of over 12. Wish I could get paid for retirement but too young. I have filed for disability but as of this month it has been a two year fight. Still waiting for a result from that.

I still feel a bit weird and I'm going to ask my parents to take care of my meds because I don't feel altogether stable but yeah...it's all good apart from that!

Don't let the fact that you feel your parents are in a better position to deal with your meds right now bother you. I am in my mid 40's and have to set up medication sets to remember my meds. My partner also has to remind me daily to take my meds. It isn't because I don't want to take them it is simply I forget to take them if someone doesn't help me remember. I even have my partner hold onto my Klonopin because when my head goes south (into a depression) I know that I have enough there to end it all. That is why I asked her to hold them. As bad as it is when I get in that type of depression I know that even though I can't stand the thought of living I also don't want to die. It is like being trapped between a rock and a hard place with no where to go. So the safest thing is someone holding that medicine so I don't do something rash or as some people put it give up 5 minutes before the miracle.

[Zencat]

Not being bipolar myself but I would like to do a check-in...so...I hope you all don't mind if I do a half check-in being unipolar and all.

Had some anxiety the other day when my car wouldn't start. Hit with a wave of anxiety that keep me busy with challenging my catastrophizing thoughts. I was able to settle down after a wile and get into an action plan concerning my car. Then I just let go of my worries with mindfulness and living in the day. Keeping active helps me resist going to bed and triggering some old depression behavior. Well got the car fixed...feeling resourceful about doing the work needed to guard off from sliding into depression...and now waiting to go to a DRA meeting.

[least]

My exbf was one of the ones knocking me down, along with my kids. I can keep the ex from taking up space in my head, usually, but he was in my dreams last night and was even abusive in the dream! Woke up feeling awful this morning, don't know if I'm sick or just 'mental'. I have one task to be done this morning then I shall come home and see if I can sleep for a bit.

[nandm]

Sometimes I think the nightmares are worse than real life. At least in real life I have some control over the outcome but in my nightmares and dreams the outcome is out of my hands and usually winds up very negative. I wake up feeling like I have been beat with a baseball bat and emotionally I am a wreck. There are too many times that I wake up screaming and kicking. I was kicking the poor dog last night while having a nightmare. My partner woke me up and it took me a few minutes to realize where I even was. It leaves me afraid to go to sleep some nights. I guess what I am trying to say, least, is I do understand how beat up one can be from nightmares and dreams let alone real life. Hang in there you are not alone.

[hippyhippy]

Hi folks,

the dreams sound horrible nadm/least. I get some very vivid ones. Not like yours I wouldn't imagine as I don't have ptsd or memories of an awful ex. Mines are brought about by an overactive imagination and anti depressants.

Glad to hear the work placement went well. Work can be such a struggle when dealing with mental illness. I unfortunately have been out of work for over 3 years now due to my disease. Had to retire from a nursing career of over 20 years and a paramedic career of over 12. Wish I could get paid for retirement but too young. I have filed for disability but as of this month it has been a two year fight. Still waiting for a result from that.

I have just recently lost my job for good. I too couldn't get retirement as I am too young. I have disability but it is always on the threat that they could take it away from me at any time. It has caused me such grief to lose my job.


well, went to psych and I am on day 7 of being without booze. Oh how I want a glass of wine! I don't think it is booze cravings as such as I have whisky, vodka, martini, gin, beer in the house and I don't want them. It is the relaxing feeling I associate with the sitting down with a glass of chilled wine. I don't know why I am denying myself as I am behaving self destructively in every other way. I think it is just to prove to my psych that I can.

Anyway, by for now.

Hippy
xx

[least]

Woke up way too early this morning, due to the time change, I think. Have a bad backache and nothing to take for it. Have nothing scheduled for today so will just do the usual; rake some leaves, walk the dogs, and maybe take a nap just to kill time. Have a vague feeling of disquiet, anxiety, from out of nowhere. Can't concentrate or focus on anything, keep shifting from one thing to the next. Took an ativan to calm down but not so far. I hate being riddled with anxiety like this. Feel like I'm spinning around in circles and not going anywhere...

Maybe just go back to bed after feeding the dogs. Sleep is always good, especially with my dogs snuggled up against me, keeping me warm and safe. I will do my share of raking and dog walking when it's warmed up a bit. Until then, sleep sounds like a good plan, and it's my favorite thing to do.

[least]

Slept for four hours and woke up feeling dizzy and 'disconnected' somehow. Like I'm sleepwalking thru a dream or something. I'd love to go back to bed now but can't for at least another two or three hours. Go to bed too early and wake up way too early. Took some advil as my back is aching badly. Made myself eat something just for food in my stomach.

Don't like this feeling of disconnected unreality... like my feet aren't on solid ground. Really looking forward to my favorite escape: sleep.

[nandm]

Coming off the multiple meds I have been on over the past few years has seemed to have a positive effect. I went from 3 mood stabilizers, 1 anti-depressant, and 2 anti-anxiety medications to simply Lamictal and Cymbalta. I am still fighting with some of the side effects of the Abilify I just tapered off from but the irritability and feeling of needing to crawl out of my skin should pass soon. The lamictal is being raised in dosage to help control my mood swings and hopefully keep me from going manic again. I am thankful that coming off the meds has helped. I am fortunate to have a doctor that listens to me now as the one I have had over the past 8 years was very difficult to talk to since she did med management only. I think the combination of therapy and med management might be the key to this mess called bipolar for me. Only time will tell. I was actually able to go to Ikea the other day with my partner and her mother. For me that is huge since it is a crowded, noisy place packed with people. It was hard to do but I struggled through it and did not have to run out and wait in the car. That in itself is a huge improvement for me.

Still waiting on a disability hearing, it was 2 years last month since I initially filed for it. Still have too much anxiety to work a regular job. Hopefully I can get stabilized soon and not have to worry about the disability stuff anymore.

[nandm]

Really stressed and anxious tonight. I had obligated myself to taking two people to a noon meeting today. Of course that created a huge amount of anxiety for me, let alone being around a group of people I did not know well (it was a meeting I do not regularly attend). Now this evening I am obligated to go to a birthday meeting for a friend. That means being around a large group (maybe not large to some but at least 20 people) again today. I have taken the ativan I have for anxiety but it does not seem to be doing much. I may not be able to get myself out of the house to go to the meeting tonight if this continues. I hate anxiety! It disrupts my life so much.

[Zencat]

Originally Posted by nandm

I hate anxiety! It disrupts my life so much.

I know the feeling. Some days when I'm in high anxious situations that it takes so much out of me I feel spent and then later relieved that I was able to get through it all.

[nandm]

Made it to the meeting but had to take anxiety meds to get there and have lots of support from my partner and friends. I had a friend get there early and save me a seat in the back of the room near the door. I knew I could not get caught up sitting trapped in the middle of a bunch of people or I would not be able to even sit down let alone stay for the meeting. Glad it is over.

I have been a bit over stimulated this week with Wednesday's meetings and being around so many people. My partner wanted me to go shopping with her last night. I tried to get out of it but I could see the disappointment on her face so I went anyway. Not a good thing. She could see my anxiety and how I struggled while we were in the store so the shopping got cut short. I know it hurts her as she likes shopping and wants someone to do it with. I hope she understood when I tried to explain the over stimulation of the past few days being around so many people. Here I had thought I did good just to go to two meetings in one day, I never dreamed I would have to go shopping as well the next night. Tonight I am expected to do dinner and cards with friends. Here comes the ativan or klonopin...lol I try and joke about it but I know even with it I might have to cancel. Fortunately it is only two people besides myself and my partner, the lady that saved me a seat the other night and her mother. Both of whom are aware of my disease and very supportive. So they will understand if I have to cancel although they will be disappointed.

Going to spend the day cleaning house and checking in here at SR. Hopefully it will keep my mind off from tonight.

Thanks to anyone who reads these posts. They are really just a way for me to get out what is going on inside. In some ways it seems to help even though I know I could not say this face to face to anyone.

[least]

I love ya nandm!!

[SoberSomeone]

Hi. I hope I'm not intruding on this thread. It's a long thread for me to read the whole thing so sorry if I'm butting in. I'm just introducing myself. I have BPI and am an addict.

[nandm]

Welcome Sober. Always good to have a new face here. Feel free join in here in BP town anytime.

[barb dwyer]

BOO!

Just did that to watch the faint goats topple over ... LOL!

hey everyone!!!

[nandm]

PTSD has been bad today. Too many nightmares last night and too many flashbacks today. I am emotionally drained and the day is not even half through. Tried listening to the radio but that just brings on more flashbacks. I hate this! I am going to go try and paint maybe that will help.

[nandm]

It seems that the Abilify was helping to keep the nightmares under control and now that it is getting out of my system they are coming back in force. Hopefully they will level out soon as I am once again getting to the point of hating to go to sleep. I know that not sleeping can push me into a manic phase so I have to remind myself every night that I have to sleep and the nightmares will not kill me. Right now it appears the bipolar is under control although I think I am leaning toward a depression state more than anything. Slowly increasing the Lamictal but it sure makes me nauseated when I take it now, not sure why. Hopefully that will pass although there is no sign of it now and it has been a week, if anything it is worse.

[nandm]

The grade school a block away from my home burned down yesterday. Another PTSD trigger watching the emergency personnel work. Nightmare even more intense last night. So tired of all this. I am obligated to drive two people to an AA meeting in about an hour and I am struggling with anxiety about leaving the house and being around people already. Going to take a Klonopin and pray it helps otherwise I am going to have to cancel. No motivation to do much of anything. I want to go paint but that would be a waste as I would have to stop in about a half hour to get ready to go. Some days suck.

[least]

All I want to do is to be left alone, but with kids, even adult kids, that's not possible. Have to drive the youngest to school tomorrow, then have two cleaning jobs I have to do for the desperately needed money, despite my bad backache from raking leaves for days. Then tonight when I'd love to go to bed early I have to go pick up new mommy and take her and baby home. I feel selfish, but all I want is to be left alone.