It makes no sense

[rudeawakening]

I'm sitting here in my chair, in my living-room, in my house, for almost 3 weeks now for no apparent reason other than I must be depressed.

What makes no sense is I'm not on any drugs, I'm not drinking (not that I drink much), I don't have any thoughts of harming myself, I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere.

My birthday was a few days ago and didn't do anything, never left the house.

I have disassociated myself from my friends and people in general and resided to being alone. I know this is unhealthy, but yet I feel justified in my actions. I tend to push people away from myself when I get into a defensive survival mode.

I make feeble attempts to find work for my business, I don't follow thru.

I know I have been discouraged with the economy, the elections and my business is suffering from it, but I am in a good position. Non of it makes sense as to why I have completely withdrawn from everything.

I did work around the house 2 weeks ago and I felt accomplished. I have been planning on doing more work, but then its like I just completely forget or have no motivation... no its more like a deer dead in the middle of the street with a car coming. I'm unwilling to spend the money for a few things I want to buy for the house. I do know that I am the type of person that needs a challenge and needs to be productive in order to be happy.

Usually I get over this in a couple days, but this time it has ahold on me and its not letting go. I am depressed and I don't really know why and I just don't know how to get myself out of this mess. I realize I'm probably in the middle of my "Mid Life" but this crap has to stop, It makes no sense.

[historyteach]

Hi, rudeawakening;
And welcome to the MH forum of SR!

I took a quick look at your previous posts, and noticed that you've also had a recent break up with your g/f and are an ACOA. Those things, compiled with the economic recession the country is experiencing, (which councelors say is causing stress at very high levels in the population), your personal disappointment in the election and business problems and the change in the seasons/clock can add up to problems for the best of us. If you have a tendency for seasonal depression, (seasonal affective disorder -- SAD - brought about by the shortening of hours of sunlight), to begin with, these additional problems could definately put you over the edge.

There are many ways to deal with seasonal affective disorder. But, I do suggest you make an appointment with your doctor first. Only a doc can diagnose you. But, there are light boxes available that are supposed to work wonders. And of course, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually are always important. Medications and therapy with a counselor are also available if needed. With some of the issues with which you are dealing, it may be a good idea to talk to an objective trained listener.

Of course, we are always here, too, with a sympathetic ear, and our own ESH, (experience, strength and hope), to share. Feel free to read around the forums. Take what you need and leave the rest. Share your thoughts and feelings. We're a friendly group here that cares about each other.

Shalom!

[jurneyman]

Rude awakening, I can not only relate to your situation. I am existing in the middle of it. I also own my own business that has been built from the ground up. Last spring I was putting in way to many hours, to try and make payments on a bankruptcy, that was caused by not being able to work due to a serious physical problem, surgery to repair the damage. and then months of rehab. I wasn't able to work for a little over a year.

Then last spring I got taken out by depression, which put me in a chair in my living room staring at the wall or out the window. I shut the phone off, quit looking at my mail, hardly ate, and getting up to go to the bathroom was almost to much work, I thought about finding the bed pan I had in the hospital to use so I wouldn't have to move. I keep looking at the clock waiting until it was time to go to bed since it was the only thing I had to look forward to during the day. I had no interest in anything, nothing, I didn't for almost 4 months. I left half eaten frozen dinners in the sink, and never took the garbage out.

I couldn't leave my house, afraid one of my customers would see me, and want the work that had been paid for, the guilt of not being a man of my word to my customers many of who were friends, and had helped build my business back up from the bankruptcy. I couldn't go out in the shop and try to do something/anything, I just couldn't, and it almost put me over the edge. I didn't want to face the loss of everything, after I had worked so had to keep it. I just was not able to do anything positive for myself, I was stuck to that chair as if by a heavy weight holding me there and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't push myself enough to overcome it.

Long story short, I found this board and found out that I was Bi-Polar II, something that I had never heard of before. I went to a PDr. and started working at finding a medication that could help me, that is where I am now, please don't wait as long as I did, don't be too proud to find help, and consider the suggestions that History Teach shared with you, for the most part on this thread, they come from experience. It will get better, but no matter how hard it is, it has to start with you. If you can force yourself to just get to a DR. like I did, just try, even if you don't want to. Let today by posting on this board, and asking for some help, be the start, keep the momentum going, just getting started is 90% of getting something done. This board has helped me with valuable information, and supported me, even when I didn't really want it but needed it. Anytime you might want to stop in for any reason. believe it or not there are people in this world who care about what you are going through, and want to help. Good luck, and hope to see you again.

[rudeawakening]

Thanks Jurneyman,

My depression goes way back to childhood and throughout life. I have found that when the actions of other effect my well-being, I withdrawal and cut off ties with not only the offensive people, but the people that have an association with them as well (mutual friends).

I sometimes feel my self worth ties in with my accomplishments.
I have accomplished my goals in life and I can look back and see that it took dedication and sacrifice as well as discipline. This has carried me over the last 10 yrs more or less and while I felt a sense of purpose, I also did it alone.

I no longer feel a sense of purpose, I feel like I'm just here.
I am finding myself struggling with the ways of modern society.
Everywhere you look is crime or violence.
The internet, a wonderful place to learn and reach out about anything our hearts desire, only to be used to expose the ugliness hidden within human nature.
You cannot even turn on the TV without some type of drama, violence, cruelty or how our kids are becoming heartless monsters.


I no longer feel secure with the direction of this country or the economy.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but when I listen to today's comedians I shake my at the witless jokes that don't even make any sense. What happen to the intellectual entertainers that made you think, that respected your intelligence..?

I feel like my mind is dieing a slow death cause by the lack of stimulation.

I took a quick look at your previous posts, and noticed that you've also had a recent break up with your g/f and are an ACOA. Those things, compiled with the economic recession the country is experiencing, (which councelors say is causing stress at very high levels in the population), your personal disappointment in the election and business problems and the change in the seasons/clock can add up to problems for the best of us. If you have a tendency for seasonal depression, (seasonal affective disorder -- SAD - brought about by the shortening of hours of sunlight), to begin with, these additional problems could definately put you over the edge.

Thank you but I am quite aware of all this already.

There are many ways to deal with seasonal affective disorder. But, I do suggest you make an appointment with your doctor first. Only a doc can diagnose you. But, there are light boxes available that are supposed to work wonders. And of course, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually are always important. Medications and therapy with a counselor are also available if needed. With some of the issues with which you are dealing, it may be a good idea to talk to an objective trained listener.

Yes I'm aware of all this as well, but I'm afraid that I'd go broke before some quack would do me any good.

If you have really read what I had said in previous posts, you would have realized that what I'm doing is releasing (what I call) the toxins that is poisoning my soul. I am using this site as a way to release cleanse myself.

Do you think anyone in their right mind think that people with some type of issue really bare their souls to a therapist or anyone else for that fact in person ?

I agree that we all have pasts and it amazes me when i hear people say "get over it"... unfortunately its not that easy for some of us. I don't think people honestly intentionally hang on to their pain, but at the same time its this very pain that make us who we are, who we become.

Do you really believe that I would even dare say half of what I have said here on this site to someone that knew me ? You're fooling yourself if you think I would.

Ever meet someone with a above average IQ but isn't intellectually educated ? I look at him every day.

I was one of those kids that teachers would say was gifted or had the ability to be more, but they never figured out how to teach me. My parents response was to punish me or criticise me for not doing better.
I suffer from ADD, slightly dyslexic and I was hyper sensitive before I learned to control my emotions.

I have gone through half my life struggling with lack of self-worth until I realized its not my fault for my past short comings. I was never taught how to cope with a lot of things in life which has lead to a lot of trial and error on my part. I have learned to work around a lot of this and have succeeded in many areas in my life.

Looking at what I have accomplished, places I've seen and things I have experience despite the challenges I've faced in my past, only makes me question why the hell am so depressed, why I'm sitting here in my chair totally unmotivated.

This site allows me to cleanse the ugliness that hides in the corners on my soul, to evaluate myself, my situation and my next course of action.

I need to find myself again
I need to regain my sense of humor

[jurneyman]

Rude awakening, I hope you don't take any of the following as me trying to tell you how to run your life I am just sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I was misdiagnosed with ADHD because of some of the same symptoms that you described in your post, it wasn't until I went to a PDr. to get to the cause of the deep depression that I was suffering through. It wasn't until then, that I found I was actually Bipolar II which in the hypomania stage it could mimic the inattention that I showed in school. I also have a fairly high IQ which is common in those who have Bi-Polar II. Being intelligent is just the ability to acquire knowledge at a higher level, it did not mean I was smarter, I was just able to figure things out quickly, and adapt to any situation. Because of me thinking I could find out all about what was controlling my ability to function, I could figure out a way to fix it myself. Because of this site I was able to find what I really needed, by going to a PDr. who is professional, and it was through his help that I was finally able to find some relief from my self imposed misery. I am still working on the process, it is slow but I can feel progress is being made.

[justjo]

Hi Rudeawakening, If you read my last post 'need a friend' you will see Im right where you are now. I know how you feel. I cant understand it either, this morbid feeling of loss & numbness unexplained. I am trying to build a business from scratch and now Im waking up all hours of the night with a sick feeling of what am I going to do.
I cant give you advice but Im finding that if I really push myself and get outside, I come home feeling much better. Mind you, I make a plan, get there and hesitate, then, I have to say 'whats the worst thing that could happen to me' if I actually do this. Nothing!! Its a horrible feeling of 'will be people accept me' but sometimes I think this is where it started for me anyway.
I really wish you well and as I need friends too right now, you can pm me anytime ok.
Jo

[historyteach]

Actually, I *do* know that people in their right minds go to counselors and bare their souls to them.
I do.
And it's been a tremendous help for me over the years with multiple issues. How about that!

And anyone who tells you to "get over it" is showing their own ignorance of depression. You are not required to listen to ignorance. But, you already know that, don't you.

What you would dare say to someone else is all about trust.
And when you find a good counselor, you don't have that problem.
I speak from my own experience here.
You share your fear. I understand that fear. It took a long time for me to get past it in order to speak freely.

But boy, the truth really does set you free!
Perhaps, one day, you will know that feeling.

As for expense, well, there are county mental health centers that work on sliding scales, based on your income. And they have docs who can prescribe meds too. Just so you know.

And in the meantime, you've got lots of good information here. People have shared their experience, strength and hope with you. You get to take what you need, and leave the rest. You asked for support. I shared what worked for me. It's what we do here.

Take what works for you.
And if it's not working,
Why not try something else that's working for another person?
Who knows? It may just help you too... :>)

And we're all intelligent beings here.
We do care.

Shalom!