Need A Friend

[justjo]

Everytime I think about posting I feel sick but I think its time I reached out. Dont know whats wrong with me. You see, Ive always had to be the strong one, always had to be there for others, the arm, the solid post since I was a kid.
Its hard for me to even say whats happened, because I dont reach out to people. Have no friends and I think because Im the one who was always there for family, they cant even see Im depressed.
I left my job 4 months ago and started my own business but the last few weeks I cant even face another person. Im finding it hard to go out. I keep slapping myself, you know (wake up girl) but this dreaded feeling keeps pulling me down. I dont feel that theres anyone I can talk to, no-one because (I) dont show feelings, I find it even hard to cry. Ive been having bad thoughts and its scaring me. Im not suppose to be like this and Im even embarrassed about the post, Im sorry.
Can anyone help me?

[applesncream]

I understand what your going through. Seems like others are more emotional and needy. When your the strong one it's hard when you need the arms around you. Our skin is tough and sometimes gets depressing. I am just like you. I will be here for you .k. I don't come on much but if i see ya i'll give you a shout out. Just love who you are and how you are, and try to reach out as much as you feel comfortable with, you will be fine .

[Shulamite]

You say you 'are not supposed to be like this'. Like what......human.....frail and vulnerable as the rest of us?

It seems more powerful to be the caretaker who displays no need, who negates herself to be there for everyone else. I know this only too well myself. But I am learning it is not.....it is a lonely place full of deceit.

It is the strong who show their humanity, who reach out for support and help when they need it....who allow themselves to be known. Just as you have done.

Thank you for reaching out to everyone here with your humanity. I pray comfort and blessing for you, and that you take great care of yourself today..

[Astro]

Originally Posted by justjo

Im not suppose to be like this and Im even embarrassed about the post, Im sorry.

You don't need to be sorry or embarassed for anything. We can only be pillars of strength for so long, but everyone has the need sooner or later to let their guard down and feel what they need to feel. Being emotional, expressing our pain, that's being human. Since I've been clean and sober, to suppress those emotions brings about even more pain.

What's worked for me is reaching out for support, talking to people in recovery and going to meetings. Sometimes it means sitting in a group, crying, and letting everyone know that I'm hurting. Usually it ends with people loving me when I don't feel like loving myself.

(((hugs)))) going out for you

[peaceteach]

My very dear friend told me something when I did learn to reach out to others. I was also the strong one who handled everything so well, minimizing my problems so successfully my family honestly didn't know how terrible my life had gotten. My good friend said that she considered it an HONOR that I would reach to her for help. She felt that most people feel that way, that it is an honor when a friend feels they can confide in them and ask for support. You might be surprised to know that someone in your family or circle of friends would actually be honored to be your friend and support system. I'm sorry you feel so alone, as I do know what that is like. Perhaps you can force yourself to join a "group" in the public sector, a book club, knitting, exercise, where others who are looking for a friend might also be attending. It would take guts to be a joiner, I know. But if you don't do this for yourself, who will? Be kind to yourself, Justjo, okay?

[justjo]

Im a sulk, your replies made me cry. Well, I cried, what a relief, cos it was nice to know someone cared, thanks.

Tah, yes, I am lonely and its scary. I thought about it over the weekend somewhat, and I think whats happened is that I was in a pretty powerful job before this and knew 100's of people (mainly customers), looked after family, solved their probs (worst thing I did) but I was sick.
The job and everything was killing me, too much stress, Id had enough, couldnt cope anymore. Basically collapsed and wanted quiet. Well I got it alright. Now I realize I dont know anyone and my family are busy doing their own thing. Ive been working on my business but I feel desperate some how. I realize I dont know even know ME. What have i been doing for all these years? Working thats all, not living and its like I need to start again but dont quite know how.
Like I said, Im not suppose to be like this, Im suppose to be the confident, no problem girl ready to put arms around someone else and now I cant even tell anyone how Im feeling. This sounds dumb but I feel embarrassed, I cant even tell my other half. Hes kind of like me, off doing his thing too. I hate being vulnerable to him. My AS called me Sat night with all her dribble and I felt like saying, do you have any idea how I am. but figured whats the point. Thats how it is, alot of us have addictions or seem selfish. I want someone to care about me for a change, oh, wouldnt that be nice! But this morning I got up and thought, well girl, its up to you to get on with it, so Im going to try today and then tomorrow.

[blue pansy]

Justjo,
Your post is something that I could have written. Actually I came in here looking for someone who maybe felt the same as I do and see if I could find some way to drag myself up.
You are not alone, believe me!!!
I could have written your first post myself and this feeling of being all alone is really not how I usually feel. I too try to pick everyone else up and listen to their problems and try to help them if I can. I'm a real codie in that way.
Right now I wish there was someone's shoulder that I could cry on, but........
Nope, they're not there for me either.
So I'll spend today doing stuff around the house and wishing it wasn't November, grey, rotten, cold November.
Tomorrow I'll get out of the house, see if I can find something, someone anything to do and get myself out of this. Maybe the sun will come out, that would be a great help.
Jo, I'll check back with you and we can see how we're doing, it got to get better!!!!
blue

[IO Storm]

Sometimes a good, well deserved cry is necessary. Sometimes we feel

lonely when someone is in the next room. I have no idea why I would say

this to you, but that is what came to me. Well, I do understand.

You're not crazy..just pent up. Getting it all out here is a healthy

way to "unstuff"..a little. If you want to.

So, here's another shoulder Justjo... :

[michael35209]

Sorry to hear your feeling this way. I am also feeling that way. Lonely, scared and just not right in the head. I will pray for you.

Love,
Michael

[Vintersemestre]

If you're depressed you should really seek treatment... what you're describing sounds like the onset of major depression. What kind of "bad thoughts" are you having?

[badlad]

sounds like you just need a personal shoulder just for you jo

[justjo]

Oh WOW.. I wish I knew you all. It is so nice to have that caring, you know. You all got me crying again, whats happening LOL.. Really, thankyou, I have needed this for sometime I guess. I really didnt have anyone to talk to (not joking). I know I have a hub but I dont know,,, I just dont want to be needy. Cant explain that one to you.
I was having thoughts about how to end it (nuts hey) for a few weeks but my 3 boys faces keep popping up and cos I am strong, I slap myself in the head. I think because I couldnt talk to anyone and alone I figured whats the point but Im not stupid.
Yesterday and today I made a big effort and went out working on my business and Ive just popped back for lunch (girls gotta eat doesnt she?) and I feel better. I just have to push myself and I thought about some voluntary work to meet people.

[historyteach]

Voluntary work is a great way to meet people, and to get a better sense of who you are too. So is taking a class at a community college or your local library or place of worship. See what's offered. You'll meet people with similar interests that way, and who knows what can develop from that?

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please see this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html (If You Are Feeling Suicidal)
Please do not minimize those types of thoughts. It's a serious sign of trouble. Don't be afraid to call emergency if need.

You are a child of G*D,
worthy of all that is good in the world.
Allow yourself the opportunity to remember it once more.
We're here to remind you, until you can remember it yourself.
Please take care of yourself.

Shalom!

[deerwalk]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, Justjo. I don't have too many people to talk to in myl ife either, and I feel like nobody's really interested in anything I have to say anyway... I draw when I feel down. It's cliche, but I can create my own little world, and nobody ever has to see it. I can disclose all the details I want in my work and I don't have to hide a thing because it's just for my eyes. Maybe you can do something creative to help you feel better? A craft might be a nice thing. It takes time and gets your mind off things. It helps to get lost in a presonal project.

[familyhonors]

good friends really do make the difference

[familyhonors]

actually choosing and keeping them does

[deerwalk]

How are you today, JustJo?