i need someone to talk to who doesn't know me

[questionmark]

I have had a lot on my mind lately, but is stuff i feel like I would get in trouble for if i had to admit it to someone who knew me. I know that sounds silly - but think of it like someone with a closet problem. I'm 27 years old and I have made some very bad decisions. I see a therapist less frequently as things appear to be getting better and more stable. I'm on anti-depressants and have family history of depression. I also have family history of alcoholism.

I wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic, but I know that is exactly the problem for most people - they wouldn't say they are when they are. I don't drink very often anymore, maybe once every month or two. Sometimes when I do it prompts me to keep going until I am drunk. I guess that sounds normal but in retrospect I have made some very bad decisions that wind up with me doing something very wrong once I'm drunk. I'm not talking about anything violent or harmful to people but I lack all judgement when it comes to anything and steal or vandalize things. When I look back, there was no reason for it. I don't know why I did it.

How can I solve the problem if I don't know what it is? How can I find the reasons for my actions when I just don't know why I made them? I am scared that I will never be able to fix the problem and live a normal happy life. I'm scared of making mistakes forever.

[unholy_mess]

Hi, your post sounds very similar to where I've been in the past. With regards to your alcohol use...generally people who aren't alcoholics never think of it as a possibility. Also, I would tend to say that it's not always necessarily how much or how often you drink (though that's most certainly a HUGE red flag), but the negative consequences as a result of your drinking and continuing to drink to that level though you have a history of negative consequences. And I'm a little concerned about the trigger to continue drinking until drunk once you start...that's something I've certainly experienced (as well as all of the above). I swore I didn't have a problem because I didn't drink all the time...but every time I did, I got drunk and had ridiculous consequences...and still did it. But, that's certainly a decision you have to make for yourself. And good for you for at least considering the possibility of a problem and addressing it. Oh, and I was SUCH a klepto when I was drunk! I would steal ANYTHING just for the rush! And I guess here is where I should mention that I am most certainly without a doubt an alcoholic.

I'm often scared of making mistakes forever and the only advice I can give you is first, stick with therapy, and second, take each day as it comes. The past is gone. There is absolutely nothing that can be done to change it. Try to focus on what decisions you can make RIGHT NOW. I know it sounds easier said than done. As for figuring out how to solve the problem when you don't know what it is, I'm not totally sure, but start with what you do know and address it and build from there.
And I don't know you, so feel free to talk away. Sounds like we've been in some similar places. Sorry for the novel of a response...!

[Stubborn1]

I can't say if I was ever an alcoholic per se but I was a damn good binge drinker and that's when I did stupid things. The only way for me to be in control is to not have mind altering things in me. So I quit drinking and I quit doing dumb things.
There was no root to my evil. Just bored and lacked judgement. I don't need to find an excuse as to why I did things.......I did them, I owned up to them, I made amends and now I live for today.
If you have to have a reason just look in the mirror.
Best of luck.

[nandm]

Welcome to our Mental health forum!

You have had some great responses so far and I have nothing substantial to add to them. Just wanted to say hi and welcome

[questionmark]

I've never posted on here before today but I was really happy to have gotten the responses that I did....they really mean a lot to me for many reasons.

There are a lot of factors in my life that work against me but rather than crying about it, I try to rise above. It just really hurts when I don't always succeed. I moved to the city about five years ago with the intent to start a better life for myself - in the past bad relationships were my problem - but since I've been here I've done some really stupid things - and only have myself to blame. However, after making some mistakes and essentially living here alone, I'm realizing that the city can be rather cold and heartless, and not the best place to search for support. There have been several instances before now where I thought I hated it here and wanted to leave, but stayed with the mindset that whereever I go, there I am...so I might as well stick it out here. I'm beginning to think that isn't true... I have family out of state and would rather be there. That is my support system, but I've kept myself away for no reason at all. Isn't it funny how where are can make us into someone entirely different...I don't think I would be here now if I had just stayed at home.

I've never had a problem taking responsibility after I've done something wrong, but it needs to stop happening to begin with. The fact that one response said I don't have to know what exactly the reason is - just go with what I DO know and build on it. I really take that comment to heart - it's simple and makes perfect sense.

It seems clear to me after a lot of time and careful consideration that I have a problem, and while it may not stem from alcohol, it is certainly a factor in many instances that result in unfortuante circumstances. My parents died when I was 20 and shortly thereafter I came out to the rest of my family. Being gay really wasn't a problem or factor for anything, but it seems like my heart is missing something that should be there - a void from not having my mother with me now. It was at this point everything started to go wrong for me, and has been going wrong since...by way of my own actions. That was seven years ago.

I may or may not be an alcoholic, or I may abuse alcohol in certain situations because of some other problem I have, but I am really glad that I have found somewhere that I can express how I am feeling and begin to explore it without being afraid of being put down or getting in trouble for it. That's why your supportive responses meant a lot, so thank you.

[shutterbug]

welcome!

no matter what....you seem far more equipped than most people who've been in your situation. that's awsome. I 2nd the great responses above....especially staying in therapy, keep taking inventory of what's happening and looking toward a brighter tomorrow.

hugs...and again...welcome to SR....hope you stick around and hang out with us.

Jenna

[Paulos]

Amen questionmark, amen, how can we solve a problem that we don't even know what it is... I have autism but is that the cause of all my issues that I feel? I severely doubt it's ONLY the autism, PM me asap so we can talk or come to the SR chat.