Chicken or the egg?

[JoeJ]

Tonight I attended a meeting on SR's very own chat room, one that I hope you all will check out if you haven't already. The meetings are pretty awesome these days.

The topic was "Mental Illness and Addiction", and it made me think about my own situation a bit.

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Before I go any further, I'd like to say that I know there ARE people who DO have long term mental health issues that are separate from addiction, and I don't want to belittle anyone's problems. This thread is for people whose mental health issues and addictions are closely intertwined and would like support and the opinions of others in their own journey to face their demons. If what I say doesn't apply to you please don't flame me, because I don't claim to know anything about mental disorders unrelated to recovery, and really, what I do say is only theory, because I certainly don't have recovery "figured out" yet.
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My story in a nutshell:
I started doing drugs when i was quite young, around 10. For those years I was using, I don't remember having any deep emotional problems that didn't stem directly from the abuse I was putting myself through. I'm now 17, and experiencing bouts of deep depression now that I'm more or less clean. For a long time I thought that maybe I was just a down person when all the drugs were taken away, I used words like "slug" and "worthless" to describe myself. I figured that it was just the lot in life of an addict (or THIS addict, at least) to use drugs to avoid some innate misery while the drugs themselves caused even more, in an endless cycle. I thought it was something I couldn't break, or at least that the only alternative was so bleak that living like I was actually felt like the safer route.

I've started to think of these post-drug feelings as a form of separation anxiety, separation from the crutch that I thought I needed in order to deal with life. I used and used and used to feel good, and when it started getting painful and ugly, I used to feel better again. It's no wonder so many people, myself included, have such a hard time with life after the drugs, its the only life we knew! We stuffed our brains with so many chemicals, for such awful reasons, that our whole stimulus-response systems are hardwired in radically different ways than normal people. It also doesn't help that we use drugs that produce feelings that are much stronger than we could ever produce in normal life. It's hard to be satisfied with life as it is if you're used to living in an altered state.

While normal people find happiness in living a quality life, pursuing their passions and making something of themselves, we're used to taking the easy route. Our road to happiness takes no real discipline, aside from a will to feed into it. Fresh from active addiction, we have no tools to cope with the world around us because we oftentimes don't even know what a good life is supposed to be, much less how it's achieved.

Most of the time, people new to recovery have it in their minds that all that's needed to restore sanity in their lives is time away from their D.O.C., I think that's wrong. It's our living and thinking that are sick, we need to actively create entirely new ways of being fulfilled and happy. Of course many of us feel depressed or hollow when we get clean, we've just given up the only way we know to be happy.

Maybe that's why twelve step programs and religion work for many people, they're new ways for people to view the world that give them purpose. Evidence of this in 12 step programs is the commitment system, where people accept responsibility for a task and are depended on to do them. I believe one of the greatest strengths of a good 12 step program (from what I've seen with my father, I'm not heavily involved yet myself) is the community element. As addicts, whether we choose a program, religion, whatever, we need some sort of structure in life to keep us strong through our suffering first and foremost, but also give us something to build off of.

I also believe that although drug use warps the mind and explains much of an addict's inability to cope, healthy people don't turn to drugs in the first place. I think addicts are made early in life, way before the first drink or hit or whatever. Behind each one is some underlying problem that made the person run in the first place, and that problem MUST be followed to it's root and confronted. While changing habits can help fix the damage we did to ourselves while using, only through confronting our demons can we fix the personality defects that made us prone to addiction. For me it's childhood trauma that's haunted me for years. As soon as I discovered drugs and how they could make all that pain go away, it was game over.

So, after that looong rant, I'll finish with this: it's both the chicken and the egg. Take a person who already has emotional issues, give them something that will deaden the pain and let them have at it for years, then take away their crutch and what do you have? An addict in early recovery; someone suddenly confronted not only by what they originally ran away from, but also a lifetime of bad choices that have changed who they are and how they think. With depleted endorphins and no tools to cope, early recovery is a very dark time. While that sounds depressing, it gives me hope. Being able to identify the formula that makes someone like me means I have the chance to change things this time around. I'm not a broken human being after all.

[puterdude]

"Most of the time, people new to recovery have it in their minds that all that's needed to restore sanity in their lives is time away from their D.O.C., I think that's wrong. It's our living and thinking that are sick, we need to actively create entirely new ways of being fulfilled and happy. Of course many of us feel depressed or hollow when we get clean, we've just given up the only way we know to be happy."

Joe, you strike me as a very articulate and intelligent person indeed. I think you are right on the money with your post. While you acknowledge your theory doesn't apply to everyone, it certainly applies to many, and apparently you as well. You are on the right track...you've identified the reason(s) why you turned to drugs. That's the key to moving forward with your life in healthy and rewarding ways. You've got the intelligence to do whatever you want with your life. You are already using that gift to help others...keep using that gift to help yourself enjoy a satisfying life!

--mike

[endzoner]

WOW Joej ... wow ... so well said and I can see the great changes in your life coming at you thu your words .. what ever it is your doing like i said last nite keep doing it . cuz it sure shows that what ever it is , its definatly workin for you ! big time so happy things are changing for you and in time will even get better and clearer for you .. lots of luv and hugs .. Endzy

[Fluxion]

Well done! I think you absolutely nailed it. Have you ever considered a career in the field of recovery? You have tremendous insight. Thanks for the post.