When will the suffering end?

[Thanks2HP]

I don't know where to start really. I felt the need to vent some frustration. I haven't slept well in two months and have lost about 15 lbs because of worry and anxiety.


I've never known how to live this life I have been given. I felt "apart from" all my life. As a male, it is tough to be shy in American society where assertiveness and aggressiveness is rewarded. I've tried to overcome my shyness and have made some progress but still feel self-conscience and anxiety around people.

I have a touch of OCD. I remember washing my hands up to my elbows in first grade because of the "germs" marching up my arms. The sink was outside the bathroom in the classroom. Another kid noticed me doing that and teased me about it. I stopped doing it.

My mother was a Catholic and we went to church when I was really young. My father didn't attend. I had the thought that I had sinned enough to go to hell by the time I was ten so I stopped going. It was difficult to listen about love and forgiveness when things at home were so volatile.

We moved around a lot. I was always the new kid which made it even more difficult socially. At 16 I put a gun in my mouth but couldn't quite pull the trigger. I couldn't slit my wrists years later when I checked into a hotel room to end it all after getting a DUI. I know that suicide isn't the answer and seriously doubt that I could ever go through with it but I am tired of living a life that I don't know how to live.

I got married young which was a huge mistake. Sick people attract sick people. After divorcing 6 years later she was diagnosed with schizophrenia which explained a lot of things related to her behavior.

I've struggled with alcohol abuse but it has been 14 years since my last drink. I went to AA in 1989 and managed to get a little time but didn't get a sponsor, didn't work the steps and when I quit going to meetings, started to drink again. I came back into the rooms in 1994. I got a sponsor and worked the steps and life got better.

I had started dating a woman when I was drinking. We rented a house together with her 2 year old (at the time) son. I got busted for a DUI and we moved into an apartment. Somehow (gift from God) I managed not to lose my job. After going to AA I got an even better job and bought a house in '96.

I ended up living next to the neighbors from hell. They played loud music at all hours and had 3 dogs that would rush the fence every time I went outside. I tried to look at my part of the problem and tried to find a resolution. The situation got so bad we ended up in court. I knew I had to move, whether it was to a prison cell for taking matters into my own hand or to another house.

I was able to sell the house in 2004 but by then I had slowly and without being aware of it, drifted away from working a solid program of recovery.
I bought another house without really thinking it over because "they only appreciate in value". Yeah, right. Instead of banking the money and scaling down to being a renter I moved into a newer house. My gf and I broke up. Another dysfunctional relationship. I let her son live with me because at the time I thought I was more stable than she was. I live in a better neighborhood too. I haven't been much of a father figure to him although I thought I was.

The new house payment was pretty steep compared to the old payment. I stupidly thought that I would "grow into it", meaning my income would increase as time went by.

Since I was not diligent about my recovery my disease manifested itself in other ways. I became obsessive with "things" like cars and televisions. I bought too many of each. I've racked up credit card debt, a new car payment. I was into online pornography but stopped in Sept when I hit my spiritual bottom. Now I live in fear of losing my job, car and house.

Which brings me to where I am today, extremely depressed. I know I have no one to blame but myself but that doesn't make the pain any less.

I'm on anti-depressants. They help. I know I'd be more depressed without them.

I've picked up my meetings in NA which I started to attend 2 years ago. I've struggled with the concept of God, whether He is the God of the Bible or a "caring loving God as I understand Him".

I've been praying a lot, trying to turn my life over to Jesus. I've asked for Salvation and Mercy but have felt no relief.

I have also told God that I am ready to go. I can't commit suicide but would love for the pain and suffering of this life to end before I make the next mistake.

So you see, I just don't know how to do this thing called life. I thought things were going well. Life was good... but I was in my disease and was blind to what I was doing. The AA/NA programs help but I feel it is too late.

I have such an overwhelming feeling of doom. I remember reading that there were checks and balances in place to prevent another "Great Depression". Well, those checks and balances weren't really there and I believe we are in for the "Mother of All Depressions" and in fact may be at the "End Times" as the Bible states.

Well, I have to get ready to go to work while I still have a job. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't like being so negative but it is who I am and despite fighting it for years it is always with me.... sometimes at a distance other times close by.

Peace.

[nandm]

Welcome to our mental health forum!

I can sure relate to your experiences in many ways. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Has a diagnosis of bi polar been investigated. Some of your story sounds bi polar to me but I am not a doctor or therapist. Might be worth asking about though.

As a member of AA I can say that learning to apply the steps and principles to all aspects of my life has really helped. The problems you have described are all problems that the steps would help. I wish you the best on your journey.

[Thanks2HP]

Originally Posted by nandm

Welcome to our mental health forum!

I can sure relate to your experiences in many ways. Are you currently seeing a therapist? Has a diagnosis of bi polar been investigated. Some of your story sounds bi polar to me but I am not a doctor or therapist. Might be worth asking about though.

As a member of AA I can say that learning to apply the steps and principles to all aspects of my life has really helped. The problems you have described are all problems that the steps would help. I wish you the best on your journey.

Thank your for your well wishes.

I'm not seeing a therapist. I have gone to several in the past though. I haven't thought about being bi-polar because I don't have the manic "feel on top of the world" feelings in between the lows that I thought were part of that. I have always had a low grade depression that spikes during times of crisis, especially self induced ones. I just had a thought that when I was in the military, I was only exposed to danger a few times but each time I had no problems facing it. Now I'm having a tough time facing every day life.

Thanks for your response.

[Thanks2HP]

Bipolar disorder, formerly called manic-depressive illness, is a condition that affects more than two million Americans. People who have this illness tend to experience extreme mood swings, along with other specific symptoms and behaviors. These mood swings or "episodes" can take three forms: manic episodes, depressive episodes, or "mixed" episodes.

The symptoms of a manic episode often include elevated mood (feeling extremely happy), being extremely irritable and anxious, talking too fast and too much, and having an unusual increase in energy and a reduced need for sleep. It's also very common for someone to act impulsively during a manic episode, and engage in behaviors that are risky or that they later regret, like spending sprees. And in over half of all manic episodes, people are troubled by delusions or hallucinations. For example, they may think they have a relationship with someone famous, claim to be an expert in an area they really know nothing about, feel paranoid (unusually fearful), or hear voices that are not there.

The symptoms of a depressive episode often include an overwhelming feeling of emptiness or sadness, a lack of energy, a loss of interest in things, trouble concentrating, changes in normal sleep or appetite, and/or thoughts of dying or suicide.

******************

Nope, I've never been really happy. I've had a few good days here and there.

I haven't had hallucinations. Delusions, maybe. It sure feels like doom and gloom to me but I know I don't have any celebrity friends. I haven't heard voices. I don't know what it is like to experience an "unusual increase in energy" and seem to always feel tired.

I used to sleep as much as I could and didn't have trouble sleeping. It's only been the past couple of months that I can't sleep more than 4 or 5 hrs a night.

I can definitely identify with the "symptoms of a depressive episode".

" These mood swings or "episodes" can take three forms: manic episodes, depressive episodes, or "mixed" episodes."

Is it possible to be bi-polar and only experience depressive episodes?

Thanks again for posting.

[Thanks2HP]

Melancholia (from Greek μελαγχολία - melagcholia[1], also called lugubriousness, moroseness, or wistfulness), in contemporary usage, is a mood disorder of non-specific depression, characterized by low levels of enthusiasm and eagerness for activity. In a modern context, "melancholy" applies only to the mental or emotional symptoms of depression or despondency; historically, "melancholia" could be physical as well as mental, and melancholic conditions were classified as such by their common cause rather than by their properties. Similarly, melancholia in ancient usage also encompassed mental disorders which would later be differentiated as schizophrenias or bipolar disorders.

*********************

Seems like I fall more into the melancholia area than bi-polar.

[nandm]

Bi Polar type II does not have the "Highs" like Bi Polar type I. Some of the symptoms of BP II are uncontrolled or impulsive spending, hard to treat or long term depression. It sounds like you have both of these. I suffer from BP II and have never had hallucinations, manic episodes, etc..... Just a thought.

[Thanks2HP]

Thank you nandm.

At this point I'm willing to seek help from anywhere. I have a doctor's appointment coming up in Nov. I'll discuss it with him and see if I can get a referral to a shrink.

Warm Regards