losing my serenity

[Lilyflower]

Try as I may, there is just so much going on right now that I am feeling that bubble of anger growing inside of myself and feel like I am about to blow.

Exabf is supposedly coming this weekend to get his stuff from my house, which after 7 months of holding for him, I decided he needs to get it or I am dumping it. So needless to say despite all his ''I can't afford a van, i have no money, I have no were to live'' bs that I have been hearing and letting go on for months, he actually manages to get a van.

Told him I don't want to see him when he comes, I will leave his stuff outside for him to collect, to which I got a torrent of 'whys?' 'Don't do that, if you do that you are just being cruel/sh*tty', 'I want to see you to see how you are'. The whole week of dealing with him has really bought me to a low point. I haven't even been on the phone to him much (2 or 3 times in one day, over a week). But the whole thing has brought up so many feelings.

I found out his dad kicked him out and he is living with someone and has been seeing her since the summer, from his sister. Which was a kick in the guts. Poor girl, he is now milking her for all she's worth (he ain't working). I guess I wasn't ready to hear that, it bloody hurt.

Then I have had a letter from the council over the tax debt from last year. It went unpaid as at the time we were literally living on 15p packs of noodles for dinner, no gas, no electric etc etc. They have decided, despite much communication between me and them, that they will take my debt monthly from my earnings, which will sum about £300 a month including this years tax too. They are not chasing him for what he owes, as I am willing to pay and in contact with them they will get it from me, as we are ''joint and separetly liable''. Urrrgh! So mad, going to speak to consumer credit council about that to see if I can fight their decision.

So then with that in my mind aexbf decides to completely deny he owes me any money toward our shared debts. Little F**ker!!!! I am sooo mad!!!!

I went too far and began to bad mouth him, he hit all my buttons, and I allowed myself to get sucked in and let it verbally rip, I told him I hated him for what he had done to me. I went too far, I didn't like what I did. I didn't like me at that moment. I have forgiven myself, I know I am still recovering, still making forward steps. I tried to call him, no answer so ended up leaving a message to say I regretted saying I hate him, I don't.

I have lost my serenity dealing with this this week. I cannot wait for the weekend to come and go. I want his crappy belongings out of my home and I want him completely out of my life, don't want to look at his manipulative, twisted persona ever again, don't want to hear of him, speak to him, nada! I will take the bugger to court when/if ever I can afford it and get my money back that way, or perhaps actually, one day when I am feeling more serene, I may have the inner peace and clarity to write this off as a major life lesson and never allow this to happen to me ever again.

I want this over. I have let this go on too long. Wishing now I had stood my ground earlier and made him get his things or threw them. I guess I wasn't ready back then, and I was ready now. I am where I am meant to be, thats what my HP tells me.

Big bump in my recovery road, but getting through it, one day at a time....

Thanks for listening
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[historyteach]

(((Lily)))

I'm so sorry that you're hurting.
I know I stayed with my ex for way too long myself. And then remained emotionally attached for much longer, allowing myself to be hurt even longer. Then, the time finally came when I was really ready to say "goodbye" without the rancor or the pain. Only then was it over for me.

I hope that day comes for you soon. You deserve your peace.
In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself.

And come here to share as much as you need.
That's why we're here.

Shalom!

[nandm]

[Lilyflower]

Thanks folks, feeling much more positive today!

Hist - Already split with him, just the fall out to deal with!

Love and serenity!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx