Am I Suicidal Or Is This Just Situational Depression?

[DJMH]

Without going into too many details on the back story, for those who read this and do not yet know of me, my wife took the kids, the dog, the furniture and split on 9/26 because of my alcoholism.

About 10 years ago, I had some suicidal thoughts, but got over them fairly quickly.

On the 26th, I bought a bottle of Whiskey and a box of sleeping pills, called my sister in law (Wife's sister) and told her goodbye. A local police officer arrived in the evening for a well visit check, and he calmed me down to the point that I made it thru the night.

That was a Friday. By the next Friday I had suicidal thoughts again. At this point I had worked on my note, and started devising a plan. I have spent a lot of time online looking at sites dealing with death. They seem to be the only thing holding my curiousity these days. (Well that, and the big book of AA).. I am not going to list them here. Needless to say there is a lot on the web about suicide, death etc.

Yesterday I had a talk with an attorney my friend recommended to me and he told straight, that if I cant get an attorney hired before the 7th of November, I am screwed.

I love my children my mom and I cant stand the thought of this. However....I am very concerned that if I get an attorney, my finances are going to be shot and if I dont they will be worse. As her attorney will take me to the cleaners.

So.....what is the heck is wrong with me anyway? Freud.....are you out there?

[Stubborn1]

First you need to not even attempt suicide so it goes on your record if you ever want to see your kids. It's normal to feel doomed when all that happens. It will clear up in time. Drinking only prolongs the process. Once you quit drinking and face those demons and work on them then you can start to build a happy life for you and those children can visit.
The legal system is not set in stone so if there is an order you can always take her back. There are free legal services out there if you do run out of cash. Money is just material.
You are in a depression and you need to get help to go through this. It's tough when we are taken out of our normal routine. Things can get better. Make some phone calls and get in a group of peers. We are here for you.

[DJMH]

Nope....I cant take her back. It's all her choice that I made for her with the drinking. What scares me, is this constant fascination with death. I read somewhere one time that people who have had suicidal thoughts, one of the warning signs is when they start thinking and researching more about it.

[Freedom1990]

Consuming alcohol only compounds existing depression. Please get some help for yourself for the alcoholism/depression.

I lost a lot, including 2 marriages, over my addictions/alcoholism, and today I am clean/sober and have a lot to live for.

[nandm]

I strongly suggest speaking with your doctor regarding how you are feeling. No matter whether the depression is situational or chemical it is still very real and needs to be treated. The suicide of a parent is not a legacy any child deserves to be left with. Even if you don't feel your life is worth saving for you please take your children into consideration here. All too often the survivors of a family member who has committed suicide are left with guilt that lasts the rest of their lives. Do you want your children to always question if they were the reason you did it? Even a note does not change the questions and guilt and often times just leaves more questions than answers. Drinking at this point will not help, it is what helped get you into this mess in the first place if I am understanding your post. Now would be a good time to apply the program of AA not only will it help with the drinking but it will give you the tools to get past this mess. Please see your doctor, go to an AA meeting, call legal aid, throw out the alcohol, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[bodychek]

My ex-wife walked in on me one night lying with each of my 2 children (5 and 3 yrs old) and telling them goodbye... She promptly called the police and they "talked me down". I joined AA and began taking the 12 steps about 6 weeks later and to date have not thought seriously about suicide.

My suggestion, if you cannot stop drinking or drugs long enough to clear your mind to make a conscious decision on recovery then you need to seriously consider treatment. Addicts/alcoholics in the state you (and I) are in have lost the ability to reason, especially when we are drunk/loaded.

This is serious sh!t. Don't deny the feelings that you have, acknowledge them and seek help. As you recover your life will improve and you won't ever have to worry about not seeing your kids. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for them.

I realized that I didn't have the right to f*ck up my kids later in life my being the dad that "offed himself". I had to realize that suicide was the ultimate selfish act of a selfish, self-centered alcoholic. I have now gotten help and have a new life.


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"my mind is a terrible thing, and it must be stopped..."

[shutterbug]

As someone who has had a lot of serious thoughts of suicide over the past several months...I can see that you are right on the edge and need to reach out to others to serve as some support for you right now.

The current situation is an obvious reason to make a person depressed, but your mention of suicidal thoughts 10 years ago also means something else might be going on.

The comments above are good ones. Especially seeking out the help of a doctor. I strongly recommend finding a good psychiatrist and think you might benefit from a full evaluation from a psychologist. When I did mine, i was curious as to what someone in the field might see that I might not have known of or been able to pick up on. It was a pretty simple series of tests lasting about 4 hours.

If you have good insurance coverage...I would suggest IMMEDIATELY seek out a psychologist or liscensed therapists for no less than weekly visits to talk about the things going on right now. They have had patients dealing with similar thoughts and situations and most can offer TONS of suggestions we would never have thought of on our own. My first one suggested a day treatment program for my severe depression. I'd never heard of such, but was VERY thankful to learn of it and start getting daily help for my illness.

If you are back in a situation of thinking at that moment about following thru with any of your thoughts....for your kids sake....call 911. Do NOT be afraid to go to the emergency room!! For your children's sake!!

You are right in that those who commit suicide tend to mention it to others first...and become more interested in the act....BUT in the same token...reading about it will ONLY make you think about more often and more seriously than you already are.

Listen to the things Nandm said about how such an act would affect your children. It will scar them for LIFE!! Seriously. I know that well. My aunt died from either an intentional or accidental overdose when she was 38...and left an 11-year-old and a 6-year-old behind. The youngest daughter was riped completely from her older sister and our entire family....I've only seen her once since....by a near miraculas set of events thru my job and her school that day.

And the older daughter, now 19, has only seen her sister a handful of times in the past 8 years. She dropped out of highschool, and earlier this year was drugged and raped, she can't/won't hold a job....and even tho she DID finally get her GED...she is now 2 months pregnant and moving in with her boyfriend, who also has no motivation for his future. She finds it wonderful that she will now get WIC and other free $ from the state b/c of the pregnancy.

Oh, and did i mention that not only has she started using drugs and drinking....but she's also been SELLING prescription drugs to make extra cash!

You might think our family is horrid and that we must live in a bad-infuential town, but that's not such. She has been in church all her life, up til recently, and our town is quite conservative, with very little crime, comparitively.

I just wanted to share that true story of just how ONE untimely death in my family affected the children of the dead parent. If you truely love them....NOTHING is worth leaving them...especially in such a detrimental way of suicide. Don't worry about the money issue either!! Even if you DO end up in debt over your head....what's a bad credit score compared to having your children around you??

Lastly....to answer your initial question: Yes, you are definetly suicidal. Yes, the situational aspect is a huge part of that. But regardless of if it's all situational OR a combo of situation and an underlying clinical depression issue......the bottom line is that you MUST seek help from those people with degrees and medical liscenses to help get you safely thru all this. Your kids deserve for you to at least try. Right?

(((hugs)))
Jenna

[historyteach]

Good experience shared from all above.
Please take heart to it and make yourself a plan to see the doc asap, if you haven't already.

How are you doing today?

Shalom!