Not sure what is wrong with me? Need advice.

[newguy]

i don't know whats wrong with me, but i think that i shouldn't feel the way i do.
To my close friends and direct family, some of the time i appear very hyperactive or immature in my actions. However, when i am not in this state people find it very hard to interpret my emotions as i have a very expressionless voice and do not communicate well through my facial expressions. I find it incredibly difficult and uncomfortable to communicate and discuss feelings even to those i am closest to.

I find that i am very self conscious and have a great fear of how people view me. This issue has led to an inability to develop any new or even to strenghten existing relationships in my final three years of school. My insecurities have caused me to reject great opportunities because i fear that i may fail or i think only about the negative outcomes of these opportunites. I have just completed my last year of schooling, and the final few weeks of school were very awakening in how my inner struggle has affected my life.

When i am by myself most of the time i feel sad or angry about who i am. I feel a lot of the time that i am not worthy and that noone would miss me if i were gone. These thoughts only promote my feelings of sadness, loneliness and anger, and on more than a few occassions have led me to contemplate suicide. I often find myself crying because of these feelings, but question why i was crying the next day.
I always feel tired and find it very difficult to get out of bed unless somone is depending on me to do something with them.

I have felt this way for such a long time that i know not if i have always felt like this or if there is a better outlook on life. This has caused me lately to experiment with drugs more frequently in an attempt to view life in a different light. I know that if i continue to experiment with drugs that my problems will only get worse, yet i continue to do so. I have seen my brother struggle with drugs and alcohol and the associated problems such as substance induced anxiety and depression etc, and suspected addiction to the medication he takes to treat these problems. Having observed this in my own home, i know that i will not generate a dependence on drugs and alcohol, but i need to find answers to what is wrong with myself, and at this stage i am completely clueless...

I suspect that my issues with communicating my thoughts and emotions combined with my insecurities associated with meeting new people have prevented me from seeking advice from an expert... which is why i have come here to ask the advice of you great people..i just don't want to feel the way i do anymore.

[nandm]

Welcome to SR and our mental health forum!

When I read your post I found much I could relate to. You are definately not alone in how you are feeling. I realize that you have reservations about speaking with a professional but I would encourage you to do so. My experience has been that until I sought professional help for my feelings I never really seemed to find anything more than a temporary relief that usually left me feeling worse than I did before. My drinking got way out of hand to the point of alcoholism before I finally stopped trying to change how I felt by drinking. Today my life is much better, I take medication for my mental health issues as well as therapy. I rarely find I experience the social anxiety that I did prior to seeking professional help.

[historyteach]

Welcome to SR and the MH forum!

I hope you will seek professional help. There is no need to suffer. And while no one here is a doctor, we can only share our own ESH, (experience, strength and hope.) There are many here who have experienced situations similar to yours. My own depression and anxiety led to isolation and problems until I sought professional help. And I'm much happier now as a result.

Others will be here to share their own ESH soon.
I look forward to getting to know you as we both grow in our own recovery.

Shalom!

[liveweyerd]

Perhaps you might just print out your post and take that with you to the Pdoc, breaks the ice and your fear of talking about it.
Just a suggestion. But there is effective help, so I hope you make an appmt and begin to break out of this debilitating and miserable condition.

Live

[grewupinabarn]

Newguy,
I completely sympathize with you. Distrust, fear of others, fear of failure, and the reluctance to move forward in school and to meet people - those are feeling s that I know well. It seems like you have grown up in a home that has addiction and/or alcoholism problems.
Your feelings are there because that is what addiction does - it molds the addict's mind and the minds of the people around the addict to serve its one purpose of keeping the addiction going.
Yet, these are your feelings and thoughts and only you, the thinking part of the brain, can bring these thoughts into the light and work on them. A therapist is a great help to give you the tools to do this work. It takes work and therapy does not work quickly, but you can feel the progress.
You can, CAN, get better. You have to acknowledge that this is your problem and that you need help to move forward. You can also look to your Higher Power (read/post the secular resources part of this forum if you the g_d word doesn't work for you). Many schools have counseling offices - go there if one is available. You can tame those beasts.

[Thanks2HP]

Just wanted to let you know that I can relate. I feel the same way you do. I've sought help for my depression but plan on seeing a professional to determine whether or I not I suffer from Bi-Polar II. I never considered it before because I haven't experienced a manic state until someone told me that they had been diagnosed with BP II and they hadn't experienced a manic state either.

When things are going well I'm depressed. When things are going bad, I'm severely depressed. Lately it is a huge struggle to get out of bed but I know I have to go to work.

Best of luck. Please seek help. It sounds like you are young and have your life in front of you. Don't waste the opportunity to take advantage of therapy and/or medication in order to have a better life.

Using won't help... it might seem like it but you know that in the longterm it will only cause more problems.